So, I totally slept with my dream...
or maybe i dreamed in my sleep?
the way things are moving right now
its just so hard to tell
sometimes i go a little crazy
just like you
sometimes i go a little crazy
just to be like you
you slap my face
and break my heart
but i come back for more
because its my favorite part
take it back
take it back now
lets pretend it didn't happen
lets pretend we're not real
just ghosts in the night
passing
whispering
and gone
like we were never here
not a trace
but a memory.

...

i'm bored.
and don't want to pack
you should pack for me
no
see
this is why i need a woman
to pack for me
i wish i had a camera to bring to tampa with me
but i broke mine
sux, i know
i broke my good camera
its out to service
hopefully they don't fix it
hopefully they junk it out
if they do, i already know what i'm getting
sony nex-5+lenses
part of me wants mine back
but more of me wants the new one
that's just the way i am
even when I have something pretty badass
I always want a new one after a year or so
new ones are shiny
i like shiny
i think that's the jew in me.
i could be wrong
if you look at that as if it were about women, though
that's not quite it
i don't care if the women are shiny
shiny is actually a sign of oily skin
i just love the chase
i always have.
i think that's why i get bored in relationships...
when the chase is over and i've got what i want... what's the point in going on?
i think that's why i go for crazy
because the chase goes on and on
because, with crazy, even once you've won, things can change in an instant
and you have to start over again
bam
fresh chase
it's like hitting the reset button every once in a while...
yeah...
reset.

addiction

its like i'm addicted to beauty. and simplicity.

every day i find myself visiting the same websites.
http://www.ffffound.com/ http://www.mymodermet.com/ http://www.svpply.com/ http://www.fastcompany.com/
these sites are my window in to a world so much unlike my own
magical
beautiful
its the world i live in my mind and in my heart
just not the world i currently live in.
the world i live in now is more like this
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Alabama-Towns-Failed-Pension-nytimes-93215960.html?x=0

sometimes i do strange things.
sometimes i do things i know i just shouldn't do
i say things i shouldn't say
and i tend to say them at the oddest times
just last night i told someone that i think they're beautiful.
well, first i txted "wake up" to the wrong person... and then i told that person that i think they're beautiful.
i mean, it's true...
very true.
but still... i had no place in saying it
but i said it anyway
i just tend to do things like that

anyways...

pizzle.

Fast

So much has happened since the last time I dropped by... it's crazy ridiculous.
like.
crazy.

.... Ok, so maybe that's not exactly true. Maybe it's not actually true at all. Either way, though, I guess that's ok.

Recently I have confirmed that I am both an asshole and a really great guy, so there's nothing really new there.

I'm trying to think of something fun to update you with, but I'm really at a loss...

I mean, New Years plans are being set, which is good. Very good. Tampa is going to happen. A nice dinner, Friends, and then... well... and then something, but I don't know what yet. Should be a good time no matter what, though. I decided not to do the Outback Bowl on NYD... 'though with it being Meyer's last game and all, maybe I should have just gotten the ticket. Oh well, too late now.

I dunno... there's more I want to say, I'm just not in the habit of blogging lately, so I can't find my words.... I can't find my rhythm.

I ain't got the flow.

too much starting and stop
ping

no tone.

no nothing.

my fingers are tired, too... they don't want to type. everytime they stop moving it takes more
and more
and more
to get them going again.

once they're going, they're in that zone... dancing over the keys.
but then
they
stop
.
laid to rest
i need someone to increase the beyonce.

Eff You See Kay

Seriously. wtf is wrong with me? It's like I missed the day in elementary school when they taught you how to cope with life.

I just found out that my X married the guy she started dating a month after we split. Fuck that and Fuck her. Why is she allowed to be happy while to this day I still can't figure out what I want? I just went through a box of old stuff and found a stack of letters and cards she wrote to me. I'm not sure why I kept them all, but I did. Not anymore, though. Gone. Poof. A match and a minute and they're gone. Memories that can't come back.

Argh.

So many things are slowly killing me right now... not the least of which is life.

I miss my dad.

A lot.

Its been 8 long, long years since the last time I said that I love you and you actually heard me. Tomorrow marks 8 years since you died.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss talking to you. You were one of my best friends. you weren't the perfect parent, but you did the best that you could.

I went for a drive earlier today. Sunroof open, windows down. Feeling the cold air rushing around me. I don't know what it is about driving that relaxes me, but it does.... it lets me escape. The faster I go the better. That feeling of being so close to the edge of control, the speedometer slowly creeps up. eighty then ninety. one hundred miles an hour and the wind screams in my ear. one hundred ten, then twenty miles an hour. the air so cold it stings.

I tear down my rearview mirror because I'm tired of looking back.

Completely Blank

she's electric. when she touches me. she sends shivers down my. spine. she moves me. in ways i never knew. when she touches me. i'm alive.

...

i mourn each passing breath because i know each one brings me closer to the day that i have to live a life without you

...

Tell me a story. A story about you. If you do, I'll tell you a story about me, too. I've got some good ones, you know. Stories about how good it is to be alive. Stories about how hard it is to live without someone. I've got stories about being a kid wishing I was older and stories about being older acting like I was a kid again. You name it, I've got it. The thing is, the story that has shaped me the most. The story that has made me who I am. I just can't tell you that one. Not yet. It'll come, though. I promise you that. Tonight, I will tell you any story but that one.

...

I have three blank canvases sitting on my living room floor. I bought them a little while ago with the silly pipe-dream of dipping a brush in to some paint and turning all that white into a piece of art. Abstract, of course. I didn't delude myself into thinking I had real talent. I just wanted to create something that would be my own. Instead, those three canvases lay bare on my living room floor still covered in plastic. The paint still sits. Unused. The brushes are clean. Time and time again I've picked up the brushes and painted imaginary brush strokes on that canvas, picturing a finished work of art. Right now I'm seriously considering hanging the pieces as they are. Completely blank.

tell her that i miss her.
tell her that i love her.
tell her that i'll never be the same.

\\\\\]]]]]/////
/////[[[[[\\\\\

A day is a day...

is just another day.



Life tried to teach me a lesson. Yes it did. Flash back to Wednesday. It was just another day like every other day and every other day and every other... well... you get it, don't you? It was nothing special. Well, it was a day off work, if you count that as special. I woke up, had a snack, watched some TV, nothing groundbreaking. I didn't discover the cure for cancer or anything. I did get a buzz from a friend asking if I wanted to go out for lunch, though, so I did.



I thought that would be a nice excuse to get off the couch.



I was right.



I had a perfectly lovely sandwhich and a nice tall brewskie with a friend. The day was shaping up to be just grand.



I ran a few errands on that side of town, and figured I'd swing by work real quick on my way home. Y'know, to get a few things done. Nothing big. What should have been ten minutes turned into an hour and ten minutes. Nothing new there, either. Just a day like any other day.



Or so I thought. This is where life decided to get me.



It was my day off and I was at work. I do that a lot. Apparently too much.



As I was walking to my car, I looked up to see a flock of seagulls flying above me. Not the '80's band, mind you, but an actual flock of seagulls. At that moment a memory came flooding back to me. My elementary school in NY was near the water, so we had tons of seagulls flying over head every morning. All the kids used to wait outside of the school until the morning bell rang and we would line up in our classes and walk, single file, to our rooms. There was this one kid who always wore a leather bomber jacket whenever the weather was cool enough for him to pull it off. Every morning he was wearing that jacket, one of the seagulls above would take aim and drop a load on him, leaving a white streak down his black jacket.



I know you think I'm exaggerating by saying that every time he wore the jacket he got crapped on, and you're right. But it happened often enough that no one would stand around him before that morning bell wrang.



So I was thinking about that poor kid who got perpetually covered in pooh when I felt something on my arm.



Seriously?



I'm walking through the parking lot smiling to myself at the memory of Bird-Pooh-Boy when a seagull takes carefull aim and drops a bomb right on my arm.



I mean.... seriously?



That's what I get for working on my day off...



Wednesday night was fun, though... I went to see Sublime feat. Rome and The Dirty Heads.







The music was amazing, the bartender forgot what I had on my tab and the women were plentiful.



Only problem with the women is that everyone I ended up talking to either smoked or was still in high school. Both of which are deal breakers for me. The latter makes me feel like a dirty old man and the former makes me smell like a dirty old man.



For the record, I approached the smokers and I was approached by the high schoolers.

Girl sits down next to me: Hi! These guys are awesome!

Me: Seriously. I never heard of them before this year, but my friend got me hooked.

Girl: Me too! This song is totally my favorite!

We both bob our heads to the music enjoying the sweet, sweet melodies...

Me, trying to make some conversation: I've never actually been to this place before. Have you?

Girl, makes a pouty face: No! My parents NEVER let me go to the good shows, but I totally got them to let me come tonight!

Me, with a smile on my face while I realize this girl is, like, 17: Parents suck!
Girl: Totally.

We both kind of look around as the song ends. The lead singer says something about never being in Alabama before and everyone in the crowd screams at the top of their lungs to welcome them.

Me: So... are you from around here?

Girl: Yeah! I go to _______ High School! You?!?

Me: Nope, I just moved here a few months ago...

Girl: Oh! Do you go to Faulkner?!? I know Soooooooo many people there!

Me: Nope, I graduated college already...

Girl: Really?

Me: Yeah, back in.... 2002.

Girl: Oh....

The next song starts and we both start singing along. The girls eyebrows begin to furrow as she does the math in her head. I can see her thinking "ok... he's a little older. he already graduated college, that's sooooooo cool... wait... he graduated college in 2002? i was in 4th grade when he graduated college..."

Girl: oh...

Me: Yeah.

Girl: ...

Me: Yeah....

Girl: ...

Me: Well... I love this song... I'm going to listen to it from over there.

Girl: Yeah...

Me: Enjoy the show!

Girl: yeah... you too...



awkward.

I fell in love again today.
I couldn't help it... I never can.

She is my night.

sometimes I wait for her, sitting at the foot of my bed
she walks
slowly
across the room
and brushes her hair back as she smiles
the way she looks at me
its like we share a secret
a secret so private
so ours
that we share it with just a look
as she gets closer
just out of reach
she whispers my name
and i
just
.
.
.
.

pieces of me.

I've gone into hiding. Avoiding the world. But not really.
I'm becoming more transparent.
I wish I could just disappear.
Spoon.
I look back at everything and realize that I was set up to fail. I never saw what 'good' really looked like. All I saw were pieces.
Never what the puzzle looked like when it was all put together.
I'm great at finding the smooth edges and building the frame, but when it comes to filling in the middle, I'm completely lost.
I came close once, but couldn't quite find all the right pieces.
Since then it seems like the only thing I'm good at is helping other people get all their pieces in place.
That's a great thing, don't get me wrong
I just want to see a clear picture of my life instead of all the pieces of the puzzle mixed together.

Every time I step away for a while it takes me a little while to get back into things. I'm nto sure why I haven't been writing. It's not like I don't have anything to say... I always have things to say.

I just don't always know how to say those things.

Or maybe I don't know which things to say.

It'll come though...

Soon.

This is just a start.

Headaches spawn words

and just like that its back to old times. we hit the dance floor and our bodies move close together. her fingertips trace words on the back of my neck. the things she says and the way she moves all send the same message. things are, now, as they were ten years ago when nights like this were more common. it didn't matter that so much time had passed. didn't matter that we weren't kids anymore. it didn't even matter that we lived in different worlds now. things are as they always have been. feelings haven't faded. they haven't just disappeared. the difference is that now there's just no chance for us to actually act on the things we say. no matter what was said between us, what secret messages that only she and i knew, nothing would ever happen. nothing ever had. And that was somehow comforting. It made what we were doing ok. I woulnd't say the things I said to any stranger, lest I actually be taken seriously. And she wouldn't say those things to anyone but me. But she did, because I was safe. We were outlets for each other. A way to live another life, even if it was only for a few hours.

...

life became beautiful the day i met you.

...

there's just something about being another year older and not a bit wiser. I look around and while the walls have changed, what's inside hasn't.
...
a penny for your thoughts
a nickel for your kiss
a dime if you tell me that you love me
...
this is my rifle
this is my gun
this one's for fighting
this one's for fun
...
The world is a crazy place
filled with crazy people
doing crazy things.
...
I have rediscovered Tazo Tea. It's wonderful.
...
Every dark cloud has a silver lining
Every thorn has its rose
Its always darkest before the dawn.
horsepucky.
...
despite
all
my
rage
i
am
still
just
a
rat
in
a
cage
...
Sometimes I dream that I'm falling
or that I'm failing.
Sometimes I dream that I'm in Mexico
in a mariacci band.
I reach out to feed the wolves
as they nip away on my hand.
Chasing.
Chased.
Sometimes I dream like I'm falling
or that I'm failing
And I'm just waiting for this dream to end.

My First Proposal - Revisited

I've proposed to seven different women. One of them said yes. I think you all know what happened there, but I'm not so sure you know about all the others.
Actually, I lied already. I only wrote three sentences in that first paragraph and one of them contained a lie. Can you guess which one? I'll give you a hint... it wasn't the first and it wasn't the last. Got it? Okay, maybe you don't got it so let me spell it out for you. The second sentence was a lie. It wasn't intentional. It just wasn't true. Several of them said yes... or at least they didn't say "no." I only actually married one, though, and that's what I meant. I didn't mean for this to be a sticking point, I just wanted to be up front with you from the beginning. And speaking of the beginning, why don't I just get this story going and tell you about the first time I ever proposed.
I was forced into it.
Seriously.
I didn't want to do it, but she forced my hand. She even gave me the ring that I was supposed to give her when I asked. It was plastic. And pink. And I think my teacher actually gave it to her just for this purpose. She was all for the union, even if I was hesitant. We were in pre-school, so the teacher thought it was all fun and games, but I knew better. I knew Allison was looking for a lifelong partnership, but at five years of age, I just was not willing to make that kind of commitment.
I remember sitting on some steps leading from the school to the playground. It must have been recess (although it was pre-school, so what isn't recess when you're that young? I think it was just outdoor-controlled-madness as opposed to indoor-controlled-madness, but either way, we were definitely outside and sitting on steps at school.) She kept saying that we should get married and I kept giving her all sorts of perfectly logical reasons why we shouldn't.
When I told her, "We’re only five!" she would counter with "that's, like, a bazillion dog years! We can have a puppy wedding!" I never owned a dog so had no idea how old we were in dog years. Allison - 1 :: David - 0.
I said, "we don't have any money, how can we have a wedding, we can't even buy a cake let alone a car or a house, I'm in no position, financially, to support a family!" She responded with, "I have a cupcake and we can live with my parents, they like you!" I couldn't argue. When she produced the cupcake from her backpack, it looked delicious and her parents really did like me. Allison - 2 :: David 0.
I started to get worried, so I started reaching, "But I'm Jewish and you're a shiksa, it would never work out between us. My mother controls me and my grandparents would disown me if I married someone outside my faith!" I thought I had her with that one! I could smell victory and a life of bachelorhood and debauchery. But she was wiley, that Allison... She came back with the only thing that could throw a monkey wrench in my sterling logic, "what's Jewish?" Damn. She had me again. I was five, I didn't know what Jewish meant! I was barely able to dress myself let alone understand the complexities of my budding relationship with god! Allison - 3 :: David - 0.
She handed me the ring and told me to put it on her finger. I was out of excuses. I held the ring and looked into it's glossy pink surface and I could see my future. And that future was a frightening, frightening place. I could just see it now…
Engaged at five years old. Married by the first grade. I would move into her parent's basement until I hit puberty and moveI into her bedroom. My family would disown me, but, upon hearing that in middle school, I would decide to start myself on the track to become an accountant they would welcome me back with open arms after Allison converted to Judaism. In high school, on our tenth anniversary, we would get into a huge fight and I would call my friend with a car and he would pick me up and I would stay at his house for a week. We would make up and forget what the fight was even about. We'd move to the city after high school. I'd go to college, get my degree in accounting while she studied to become a teacher. Upon graduation we move back to the suburbs and celebrate our 14 year wedding anniversary and our 21st birthdays at the same time with the first bottle of wine we'd purchased legally. Our first child would be a boy and we would name him Alec, after my dad. The second would come two years later and we would name her Sarah.
It was all happening too fast. I was still five years old holding that pink, plastic ring. She was looking at me with those clear blue eyes.
I slipped the ring on her finger and she kissed me on the nose.
It was love.
But it didn't last. We went to different kindergarten schools.
Sometimes I wonder if she still has the ring.
I wonder if she married an accountant.

Wanderlust

It feels like everything is just spinning around in circles.

It's starting to take hold of me again. I've started researching Belize. Dreaming. Planning. How much money do I make? Ok... now how much can I save? Will that be enough? It will. I can do it. 5 years. If I get lucky I could do it sooner.

Seattle or Portland? Those could work too. Probably sooner. Definitely sooner. But definitely a different life than Belize. A much different life than bama. Much different than Florida, too. More my style. More so than Belize.

I don't know where these thoughts of me in a tropical paradise come from. That's not my style. I like the beach, but I'm not in love with it. I like cities too much to abandon that for an island. Don't I? I think I do. What do I really know, though?

Not a whole heck of a lot, I can tell you that right now.

What would I do in Belize? Like, what would I do for a job. How would I earn a living. I'm not a farmer. I don't grow things or raise things or even make things. Maybe I could open a resort of some sort. The only business skill I really have is communicating with people. Maybe I could do some sort of sales or marketing for an existing something or other.

Or maybe staying in the states is really the best bet for me.

Moving out west.

Not Cali, though... for how much I love it there, I just don't think it's the right fit for me. Don't get me wrong, if the opportunity presented itself there's a definite chance I'd take it, but I don't really see myself there. Not long term.

Long term.

That's a concept I don't really know much about.

It seems like my life exists in six month increments.

Planning for this trip.

Going here.

Going there.

Moving here.

Moving there.

Maybe Belize.

Maybe Portland.

Maybe Detroit.

Wait...

Detroit?

Who knows any more... I sure as heck don't.

For now, though... it's 16 Days until Vegas with The Crew. After that, it's 6 months until.... well, we'll just have to see about that, won't we?

When I can't sleep....

When I'm just laying in bed and I can't sleep, I've gotten in the habit of writing little notes in my phone. The following are a bunch of little snippits that I've written before falling asleep:
...
i do what i do
and i do it well
i just dont' do it very often
so it can be hard to tell
i won't say that it's easy
but i will tell you this
when i do pull that trigger
i never miss
...
there's something about her... she reminds me of.. the past. of things I used to want. things I used to be. What I was becoming... but I've become something different. someone different. What you see really is what you get... and you ain't seen a damn thing yet
...
her ink is her art
and with it
she's won my heart
...
i want to change the world
i want to make something so big
so huge
that life just won't be the same when i'm done.
if you love me
let me know
and we'll fly so high that we'll never see the ground again
just let me know
and i'll make your dreams in this world
just let me know
and i'll re-make this world
just let me know
and we'll be king and queen of this world

Cool New Watch

Who needs a watch face? I was roaming the interwebs tonight where I came across this gem. Full touch screen allows you to pull up the time when you want it, and you can set the alarm to vibrate when you need a reminder of a specific time. I know I don't always want to lug my phone out every time I want to see what time it is, so I definitely still wear a watch... Mutewatch.... the watch in disguise!

http://www.mutewatch.com/

there's just something about a night with you on my mind
its like i can still feel you with me
the smell of your hair right after you got out of the shower
the way my hand fit on the small of your back

Dreams - D.H. Lawrence

all people dream, but not equally.
those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds
wake in the morning to find that it was vanity.

But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people,
for they dream their dreams with open eyes,
and make them come true.

there was something almost scary about how empty her eyes were.

there was no love or joy.

no anger or sadness.

just an empty ocean of green and blue.

My eyes are closed right now.
I'm laying on my couch.
The lights are off.
The music is low.
Deep breaths in and out.

The world moves in ways I don't even pretend to understand.

It's like a see-saw.
A yin and a yang.
As one moves up, the other moves down.
There's balance in it, though.
There is no tipping over.
There is a bottom, followed by a slow, steady rise up.
There is a peak followed by its inevitable drop back down.

It's about trying to makesure the good outweighs the bad.

....

on a completely unrelated note... I thnk I finally realized what My Type is... I dig smart chicks.
Scientists are sexy.
There's just something about a chick with a passion for what she does...
and and someone who wants to make more of this world, whether its through creation or discovery or understnading...
someone who can speak
and write
and listen
and understand....
That's what I'm looking for.
and if she's cute too... well...t hat's just even better....
...
looking forward to the future.

Worlds Apart

I would follow you from Maine to Spain

Even thought I know it ain't sane

The fire in my heart's fueled by propane

And all it needed was a little light

When you came by it was love at first sight

Now I think about you ever day and night

Even though I know it ain't right

...

She wakes up periodically and tells me to slow down, she doesn't like it when I drive this fast. As soon as she falls back asleep, I press my foot gradually down on the accelerator. I pick up speed slowly, a sudden acceleration would wake her up in a heartbeat. She doesn't even realize that the reason I'm speeding is because I'm tired. So tired.

Everything around me is becoming a blur and I just want to be home and in our bed. My bed. Any bed. She sleeps and dreams about tomorrow, while I drive and think about today. Things have changed between us. She doesn't see it because, well, she's asleep. I never saw it before because I just didn't want to. I chose to live my life with blinders on.

...

Everyone makes mistakes, but I don't think I'll ever understand why you had to be mine.

Sometimes I dream that I'm falling
or that I'm failing.
Sometimes I dream that I'm in Mexico
in a mariacci band.
I reach out to feed the wolves
as they nip away on my hand.
Chasing.
Chased.
Sometimes I dream like I'm falling
that I'm failing
And I'm just waiting for this dream to end.

i watch them walk
hand in hand

yesterday someone asked me what i thought about
life

i really didn't know what to say.

i thought about it for a while. i really did.

i felt around deep inside me trying to find something
trying to find some answer

i reached into my pockets and found nothing but change and lint.

i didn't have any answers.

i looked around me

the sights, the sounds.
the smell and the feel of the room around me.

none of this was life.

none of this held any answers.

i walked for days

there were too many people
too many places
there were too many things
too much space
too muchw waste

i looked around me
and
all
i
saw
was

I think I've managed to say everything I have in me to say already.

Apparently they're right... there's no such thing as an original idea anymore.

I guess I'll go back to watching Community.

oh well.

step
by step
walking in a memory
night
by night
dreaming away the pain you've given me
day
by day
praying that someday you'll set me free

It's funny how this blog started out to be my outlet for Serious Writing and not just the random rabble I became known for on Myspace. This was supposed to be what I showed prospective publishers to showcase my brilliant prose and witty views on life.

Oops!

Oh well.

I guess this is just some kind of regression to the mean...

...

For all the things I didn't say
For all the times I didn't stay
I want you to know
I need you to know
That I never, ever want you to go.

...

No matter what you say, I'm still a fan of hugs

...

I was going to say something else, but I realized that I can't. Not now. Not yet. Not here.

...

Sometimes I think the backspace key is my best friend.

...

I dunno. Sometimes I look back on my life and wonder why I made some of the decisions that I made. I wonder why I loved the people I've loved. I look back and see that there are a few commonalities. each one of them were so incredibly different in so many different ways, but there has always been that one thing they've all had in common.

a quick hello

Hey there, how's it going?
I haven't seen you around in, like, forever. Maybe a little bit longer even.
It's good to see you.
Nono, I mean it... it really is good to see you.
I've kinda missed you.
I mean, I have missed you.
I think about you all the time.
Well, no, not like that... not ALL THE TIME... but I do think about you a lot. I think about the way things used to be. I think about us. I think about the way WE used to be.
It's not like that, exactly...
No... It's not that either...
I mean, I don't really know what to tell you...
No, it's not that I don't WANT to tell you... I just don't know exactly what to say. I think about you. I miss you.
Do I love you? That's a hell of a question... Do you really want me to answer that?
Really?
Ok... Do I still love you.... well... yeah. I mean, I never stopped loving you. That's not something I can just turn on and turn off. It's not something I can just wish away. They say that time heals all wounds, right? Well fuck that. Time can't take away all the nights we spent together. Time can't fix what it feels like to wake up without you by my side. Yeah... Do I still love you? Yes. Yes I do.

random bits from the last few days... done with this, though, and ready to move on to the next one

Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking of



...



If you really love someone, tell them. Don't worry about looking ridiculous. What's really ridiculous is passing up the opportunity to tell someone that your heart is invested in them.



...



Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they've got.



...



Now that you're gone



My days are so, so long.



...



To live is the rarest thing in the world.



Most people just exist.


...


How do you let people go? How do you say goodbye to everything you know, everything you are? Life has this funny way of never stopping, never slowing down. Never letting you catch your breath. Every day the world changes. People change. But at the same time, everything is the same. SSDD. Same shit, different day.
...
what is it you're writing on that sheet of paper?
is it something meant for me?
i do think you're something special
sitting underneath that tree.

dream a litlte dream of me

give me something to dream of

give me a piece of you

i need a little something, baby

i need something new

every word that is spoken

every promise has been broken

i need a little something, baby

i need something new

your reasons are like seasons, they just keep on changin

she drives me absolutely wild, but I know she's not right for me at all.
I can't help but flirt, even though it feels kind of wrong.
Somehow she feels a little like my kid sister... only... my kid sister who is incredibly hot. y'know?
You probably don't... I'm not even sure I know.
...
that was from a few days ago. don't mind that, but i'm going to continue on with this anyways.
I don't even know what i want to say right now.
nothing really.
i don't have anything to say.
i was really just hoping that i'd sit down at the keyboard and inspiration would just strike me.
i was wrong.
maybe i should just go to sleep.
g'knight, babe, and have the sweetest of dreams...

every day i want you more and more and every day brings new light and new hope and new beginings and every day ends exactly the same without you by my side.
....
flittering in and out
touching
briefly
softly
whispering
gently
gently
and gone again
....
passion is a candle that burns at both ends
...
2hot 2handle 2cold 2hold
...
I wait even though I know I shouldn't
So I'll just say goodnight.

dreaming of being

and there we were
face to face
your hands in mine
you leaned forward
and i
well
i did too
eyes closed
lips touching
kissing
dreaming
of
being
...
io che non vivo senza te
...
iron and wine
playing in the background
whispering
words
and rocking us to sleep
knowing you're there
is like dreaming
dreaming
of being
...
Ok.... so here's a question: Are we supposed to want to grow up, or do we just have to?
I can't tell you how many times I stayed up all night with friends and watched the sun come up before going to bed. Sometimes it was with guy friends... sometimes it was with girl friends... sometimes it was with girlfriends. Either way, I miss that. I miss not having to care about tomorrow. I miss being young and knowing that the only thing that matters is Right Now.
To me, that's what being young is. Living in the now. As long as you're doing that, you're staying young.
Right now, everything thing I'm doing, everything I'm planning, is for tomorrow and I can feel time just slipping away. I can feel myself getting older. Growing up. I feel like I should be sipping some Scotch talking about Municipal Bonds and What My Handicap Was Last Time I Shot A Round Of Golf. Well... I don't play golf. I don't own bonds. I am starting to like Scotch, though, so I guess I can't knock that.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want to grow up. I want to stay 20 forever. ... ok, no... 24? no... hmm... how bout if you take the highlights from each year of my early 20's and mash 'em together and that's where I'd like to be.
I don't know anymore... everything's just so.... what it is, y'know? you do. I know you do. I think you do, anyways...
my eyes are closed....
my breathing is slow and deep....
if I stop moving my fingers I think
i just
might
fall
asleep
and then i'll be
dreaminig
of
being

You Can't Fix What Isn't Broken

.... And she became beautiful. I really don't know how it happened. Nothing changed about her. She stayed exactly the same. It was something in me. A part of me changed.
Her brown hair resting on her bare shoulder.
The way she cocked her head to the side just a split second before she laughed, it was as if she had to let the joke sink in for just a split second longer before she could decide if it were funny.
They say that if you smile, the whole world smiles with you. Well, that is definitely not true of everyone, but her smile was so... true... she smiled with her entire body... every time she smiled, whoever was with her didn't even have a choice, they had to smile right along with her.
She was smart, too. So damn smart. We would talk about work and she had so many ideas, things that were so different from the way we did things, so different from the way that most of us even thought of things. She just saw things in a way that no one else seemed to. I would bring up a new problem, a new challenge, and just watch her think it out. She would carefully brush her hair back behind her ears and she would just start to concentrate so hard on a spot just a few feet in front of her face. It was like she could see things that we couldn't. Her eyes would furrow as she dismissed idea after idea without even sharing them. Sometimes she would chew on her lip before a sly smile would start to creep across her face and she would let us know what she was thinking.
I saw these things every day for so long without actually Seeing them. Then one day, it hit me. Everything about her hit me all at once. Everything I hated about her became things that I loved, and everything I loved became things that I couldn't live without.
I never told her, though.
I couldn't.
Some things just aren't meant to be.

Ten for Everything, Everything, Everything

why does it seem like i'm always sitting at the intersection of life and... not life.

...

last night i picked up my phone as it rang and i just let it ring. it went to voicemail. my phone rang again, and i ignored it again. the third time i didn't even look at it. it became a piece of the background. white noise. i don't remember how many times the phone rang or how many times i let it ring. i was just lying in bed wishing it were someone else on the other end of that phone call.

...

i couldn't look you in the eye and say what i wanted to say. i couldn't do what i wanted to do. when i could look in your eyes, i could see that you were more than just a little disappointed. you didn't see me, you saw what you wanted to see, what i helped you see. you saw what wasn't there. and here i am, expecting too much, looking at a fallen angel.

...

I've been on a Tool kick lately. Falling asleep listening to them every night. Listening to them right now. I think I should switch it up a bit. Maybe throw on some Zep. Yeah, I think that's what I'm going to do. I've noticed my thoughts have been wandering... a little dark... a little depressed... a little... well, yeah. see above.

...

I'm not going to sugar coat this at all... I do not like Alabama.

It's not fun.

I asked someone what's fun to do around here and I was told to watch High School Football on Friday nights.

Really?

Is this Texas?

I can't do it.

Maybe it's because I haven't found my Place here... In Gainesville it was the Ale House. In Tampa it was... well.. the Ale House and then DB's... oh how I miss DB's. And the Gainesville Ale House for that matter. Well, not the GAH itself, just the people and the good times there. The problem is that the places I went here were all full of smoke... and everyone seemed to know everyone else from High School. Bars full of good ol' boys and country strong girls. Yeah, that's right. More of them are Country Strong than Country Sweet...

But I'm still new here.

Maybe I'm just not seeing this place for what it is.

Maybe quaint is what I am, not what I ain't.

I'm going to give it time.

I'm going to give it a fair chance.

It's definitely not starting off on the right foot, though, I'll tell you that right now.

...

Anyways... my foot is asleep. I'm sitting on the floor since I still don't have my furniture yet and I can't decide on a freakin' couch. I'm thinking I might kidnap a girl from work and have her come furniture shopping with me and pick me out a couch since I certainly can't seem to pick one out for myself.

but, yeah. foot. asleep. not good. finishing blog.

Star Wars Kicks

Okay, so I'm normally not so enamoured with STUFF like this ... but... I mean, really... check these kicks out!

www.starwars.com/vault/collecting/news20091208/index.html

I mean, seriously... SO cool. I can't decide which pair to get...

you and your sweet smile
you and your tantalizing ways
you and your honey lips
you and the sweet things you say
you and your wild, wild ways
one day you just up and walked away

but i can forgive you for that now
because you taught me something
something that took half my life to learn
when you give all of yourself away
just tell them to be careful with my heart

you took my love
thought you took it all
you took my love
and now you're gone

but i'm not breaking down
and i'm not falling apart
i just lost a little faith
when you broke my heart
given a chance i might try it again
but i won't risk it all this time

I'd save
a little love for myself
enough to mend
my broken heart again
one day i just might love again
one day some sweet smile might turn my head
one day i just might give all myself away
one day...
one day.

I still think about you....

I still think about you. The weirdest things remind me of you. Movies. Songs. Pictures I see in magazines. Every day, though, there's something.

To me, the magic is still possible.

There was magic. For a while there was.

The instant it became real, though, the magic disappeared for you.

I still believe, though.

Magic can be real.

It can last.

It kills me how I can be one way on here but can't bring myself to be like this out there. This, though. This is who I really am. This is how I think. This is how I want to be. This is how I wish I was.

You brought more out in me, on her, than I thought I had... That's why, out there, I was so scared. I knew I couldn't be who you thought I was. I knew I couldn't be who you wanted me to be.

I knew I couldn't be me.

And now?

You're the one I compare everyone else to.

You're the one no one measures up to.

I know you're not perfect.

I know you're not perfect for me.

I don't believe in perfect, though.

Magic, yes.

Perfect, no.

Things don't always work out.

Things will not always go my way.

Life is cruel.

And life is good.

I know you're happy. And most of the time I am too. But for at least a few seconds every single day.... I still think of you.

so here i am desperately hoping that writing will help me sleep.
i don't really have a topic to discuss.
i'd ask one of my friends what to write about, but... well... it's 5am. they're all asleep.
i should be too.
i mean, the reason i'm up is pretty obvious.
obvious to me, anways.
the movers should be here between 1 and 3.
all my stuff will be on its way to alabama.
alabama.
ala
freakin'
bama.

when i moved down to tampa, people were telling me that i was starting a new chapter in my life.
well, that wasn't quite true.
it was really just an extension of the same life i had before.

this move, though.
this one is a little different.

i very, very rarely feel stressed out at work.
that's about to change big time.
i mean, i still plan on having fun.
and i still plan on Making it fun.
but there's real pressure this time.

also, when i moved to tampa, i was moving to a place where i had quite a few friends.
this time, though, i don't know anyone.
i'm sure i'll meet people
i have no doubt about that.
it's just going to be a different sort of life than what i'm used to.

so... yeah.

that's about it.

i'm going to try to sleep again.

wish me luck!

this is what i was thinking while i was driving today.

of course there are regrets. things i wish never happened. there are seconds, minutes, hours, even days that hurt so much i wish i could never think of them again. but there was so much more than just that. so many hours that i wish had lasted days and so many days i wish never ended.

do i have regrets? of course i do... but do i wish We had never happened? not on your life. i wouldn't trade one second of the good times we had even if it meant we never had any of the bad.

with every day that passes, though, the memories slowly blur together. what was real is now merely what is remembered.

i was going to write about that Other thing that happened the day of the picnic way back in the day, but i'm just not up to that tonight...

right now my thoughts are elsewhere...

right now i'm thinking of the move.

it's a big move.

a huge one.

i'm saying goodbye to a life i've known for years and years. i mean, i've only been in tampa for the last 2.5 years or so.... but before that was g'ville.... and cape coral. even the cape is city like compare to where i'm going.

i'm just really looking forward to going up there to make a change. i get to go someplace new... someplace that doesn't know me... and i get to teach them what working in retail is all about. it's real easy... there's no great secret behind it... all you have to do is be able to make decisions. that's it. what's right for the customer and what's right for the business. you find those answers and you mush them together and you get a profitable store. bam. like magic.

anyways... tomorrow is, most likely, my last day of work in wesley chapel... it's going to be weird.
good
but weird.

Fifteen.

So, last night's story doesn't really tell you quite how bizzare the dating scene was for me when I was younger. Let me try a different story...

Take a step with me into the Way Back Machine and let's travel to the year 1996. For all you young people reading this, I need you to use your imagination a little bit. I need you to picture a world without the internet. I know, I know... How could there be a world without instant pornography? Trust me, it was a terrible, terrible place. A friend of mine was pulled out of public school by his parents to be home-schooled, so to communicate with each other we were forced to discover the wonderful world of the BBS (Bulletin Board System.) The BBS we joined was run by our local newspaper. According to Wikipedia, a BBS is a computer system running software that allows users to connect and log in to the system using a terminal program. Each BBS would have anywhere from a single access line to ten or so lines to dial in to. So basically, what would happen is this: we would dial in to the BBS using our old-school-analog-modems and post bulletins on forums or even join chat rooms with local residents where we could discuss local news and events. What would really happen, though, was completely different.

Most of the kids (under the age of 21) would be in one chat room while most of hte adults would be in another. There were a few of us, though, that would transcend that age barrier. I was accepted in both the kids' room and the adults' room even though I was only 15. That was where I met Teresa. Normally I change people's names to protect the innocent, but not this time. For some reason whenever I try and think of a fake name for her, Teresa is the only name that comes to mind... so... T is who'll she'll be.

T was in her mid- to upper-twenties, married and with two kids. She was cool. I would post crappy teen-angsty poetry and she would tell me how great it was. She would start each night in the kids' chat room until more adults logged on, then move over to the grown up talk. The funny part was that most of the conversations were pretty similar... the adults just used bigger words.

That summer after my junior year of high school I was on the BBS at least every other night. I would go out with my friends after dinner and we would hang out until midnight or so, then I would head home and plop onto the BBS and talk with that crew until... well... who knew. Sometimes it would be an hour, sometimes we would talk until the sun came up. No school, no worries. The cool thing was T was right there with me most of those nights.

Over that summer I got to know her pretty well. Extremely well. I heard all sorts of stories about her job as a nurse at the local hospital. She told me about what it was like for her growing up in Indiana. I told her about all my teenager issues and she'd just listen and give me impartial advice. If I was ever being stupid, she had absolutely no problem telling me. After a while, she even started talking to me about some of her problems. I know what you're thinking... Why would an adult look to a kid for advice? There must be something wrong with her... Well... that's not really how it was. What you have to bear in mind is that we were not meeting in person. It was only on the BBS and my writing style really hasn't evolved that much over the years. So while I really was young, sometimes it was hard to tell.

After a few weeks of chatting, T's husband decided to log on every once in a while. He started talking with me, and I was more than happy to chat back. He was T's husband, he had to be cool, right? I was too young at the time to realize that he was just jealous. Extremely jealous. He wasn't logging in to take up his wife's new hobby, he was there to spy on her. One night while T"s husband was out with friends, she told me that she wasn't happy anymore. We talked for a long time that night. Well, SHE talked for a long time that night. I was just there to listen.

Fast forward another few weeks. In that time a bunch of us from the BBS organized a picnic where we could all meet and hang out nd have fun in person instead of just in a chat room. We decided on a neutral location - a park just on the boarder of the two cities the BBS was host to. We had about 20 people say they would definitely make it and about 20 or so maybes. It looked like it would be a pretty solid gathering.

There was only one catch for me to be able to show up. I needed a ride. I was still just 15. No driver's license. Turns out that I was on the way for T, so she offered to give me a lift. Unfortunately T's husband couldn't make it out to the picnic. Shucks. Neither T nor I were disappointed. The guy was pretty much an ass.

Once at the park, T and I parted ways: she went with the adults and I went off with the kiddies (there's a whole other story in here, but maybe I'll tell you that one tomorrow.) Once the grill started going, everyone gathered together to talk and eat and talk and eat and drink and talk and... well.. you get it. As more and more people at their food and went back to playing Frisbee or throwing around the football or whatever else it was that they were doing that afternoon, those of us who stayed at the tables moved closer and closer together and gossipped. Slowly our numbers dwindled and eventually it was just T and I. We sat there, just the two of us, for an hour or so. We were just talking. Joking around. Generally just enjoying being able to talk to each other face to face instead of through a keyboard. Eventually, though, I got pulled away (I will definitely tell you that story some night...)

As teh sun dipped below the tree line, the party was declared officially over. We packed up all of our things and said our goodbyes as if there was a chance we'd never see any of these people again. It's a good thing, too, because I really didn't see a lot of those people ever again. I mean, we'd talk almost every night, but we never rounded up a group like we did that day.

The drive back to my place was mostly quiet as we were each absorbed in our own thoughts spurred by all of the day's happenings. It wasn't until we were back in my driveway that we really started talking again. She told me which of the adult's rumors were true and I filled her in on what was going on with the younger crowd and we joked about who would be dating now that they'd met face to face and we compared what we thought people would look like to what they were actually like in person. Eventually, though, there was a silence between us. A slight pause between laughs.

She said that she really had to get going...

I told her that I was so glad to put a beautiful face to that name on my computer screen...

She leaned over to give me a hug goodnight.

Just as she was beginning to let go, though, I turned to give her a kiss on the cheek. She was doing the same thing. Both of us had our eyes closed.

I felt my lips touch hers.

Just barely.

I opened my eyes and her face was just an inch away from mine. Her eyes were still closed.

Our lips were just barely touching and I didn't know what to do. I mean, I knew what I wanted to do... but...

I know it was just a fraction of a second, but it felt like an eternity. Do I kiss her or no? A thousand thoughts ran through my head and just as I felt her begin to move, I leaned in towards her.

It wasn't a deep, passionate kiss, but it was still one I will never forget. Her lips, soft and sticky from her lipstick, pressed against mine.

After the kiss, she pulled back and smiled at me.

We said goodnight and I watched her from my front porch as she drove away.

I stood there for a little while before going inside--collecting my thoughts, waiting for my heart to stop pounding, waiting for the blood to rush back to Other parts of my body, waiting until I felt it was safe for me to take another step without fear of my legs giving out on me.

For Theresa I'm sure that was just a quick peck goodnight. For me, though... it was... amazing. I fell in love with her during that kiss. I would have done anything just to taste her lips one more time. Alas, it was not meant to be... afterall, I was still just 15...

I'm not sure why it happened, but while I was driving down to SoFla the other day, I started thinking about my (mis)adventures with the opposite sex. I've told you guys about the mad crush I had back in the day and, as I mentioned, nothing ever came of that. Well, there were a few other exploits that I had more luck with. But here's the thing... Every single one of those experiences was a tad bit bizzare.

The weird thing is, I don't even remember how I met all of these girls. Not that there were a whole ton of them, but still.

I remember going to the movies on a first date with a girl. I don't remember her name, but I can remember what she looked like. She had longish, wavy dark brown hair. it went down just passed her shoulders. It was cold out and she was wearing a sweatshirt. I remember barely watchign the movie.

no, we weren't making out.

we were talking through the whole thing. I distinctly remember getting shushed at least a dozen times.

after the movie was over, we sat on the trunk of my car in the movie theater parking lot and just talked.

we were there so long the cops started circling us and, when we were the last car in the parking lot, told us we had to leave.

It was a good night.

And now here are two facts that I realize, in retrospect, are totally related.
Fact 1: All we did was talk... I never made my move.
Fact 2: There was no second date.

I was too caught up in the fact that this girl was even out on a date with me and we were hitting it off that I didn't want to blow it by trying to kiss her.

Anyways... this wasn't even the story I meant to tell y'all tonight. Oh well, it's the one you got. Deal.

...

On a completely unrelated note, I was flipping through some old blogs recently and came across something I kinda liked :

I would dance with you.

I'm not sure what started that train of thought... but it's true. I would. And if you ask anyone I know, they'll tell you that dancing is Not what I do. But for you? I would. I would dance just to be close to you, moving with you, smiling and laughing and having fun with you. Even if there was no music, I would dance with you.

....

And I will leave on that note... eyes closed and already dreaming of holding you close and moving to the music that only you and I can hear. ... .. ... Now if only I knew who "you" were....

Drunken Rabble

So, for those of you who don't know... I'm moving to Alabama.

I know. I threw up a little when I found out too.

But, seriously, it's a good move for me at work and really, what's holding me down in Tampa? I mean, I do have amazing friends here and it will be hard, very hard, for me to leave them. But I know that no matter where I am, I'll have them if I need them.

my mind is racing faster than my fingers are typing.

I haven't really done this in a while... it's like I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say.

I mean, i know i'm supposed to say anythign ... everything ... but... it's just that... i don't know.

that's usually how it goes for me,t hough, isn't it?

I have these grand plans... these perfect ideals... and when it all comes down to it, that's all they are. they're not actions. they're not real.

now, there are some exceptions to that last statement... and those exceptions are the moments in life that I will remember every detail of for the rest of my life. the smells. the tastes. the feel. the way my heart raced towards the unknown.

those are the moments i live for.

I just typed out a list of moments that i'll never forget.... but... some things just aren't meant to be shared.

those are the images i see whenever i am in that moment between being awake and dreaming. those are the people i think of any time i need to feel needed.

so... yeah. where do i go from here?

i've been asking myself that question for a long time now... maybe this move will help me find that answer.

she wears her heart on her sleeve. she is the most pure person i've met in a while. a long while. i think that's why i'm so scared. well, maybe scared isn't really the right word. cautious. that would be more accurate.

i know she means well. and i know that what she tells me is true. at least, it's true for now, anyways. but really, what is her intent? i've asked and she claims that she doesn't know. fate will have its way, she says.

i don't buy that, though.

what i do buy, though, is how tired i am.

my fingers feal like they're made of lead, my nose is running as if it were a river, and my eyelids just don't seem to want to stay open.

So a tissue and some sleep seem to be jsut what the dr ordered.

good night world.

be kind.

rewind.

i once lived in a house

where we left the lights on all the time

people walked through the front door

and stayed for days



i once lived in a house

where the music played all the time

everyone had smiles on their faces


...


down, down, down
some things just happen
i didn't mean to let you down
but some things happen
so we can be carried back up again

...

i saw her today
and she took my breath away

...

i thought i heard your voice whisper a secret in to the dark

...

there are some things i like more than others
there are a few i like more than most
and the only one i love is you

...

lets go see what the world thinks of us now

i
traced
a
line
on
her
back
with
my
fingertip
and she let out a sigh
that sent a
shiver
down my spine

...

there's more here, I swear there is... it just doesn't want to come. there's just too much going on right now to be able to pinpoint one singe thing to think about let alone write about.

can you hear it coming?
it's the future.
and it's here.
now.

I always sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door. I didn't always. I remember when we lived at The House I slept on the side closest to the window. When it was really cold and we were covered in heaps of blankets, I would slide my leg over to the marble window sill just to feel the cold on my skin in stark contrast to the warmth I'd feel from you.

...

So, I played basketball last night with a bunch of guys from work. I was talking about it today with one of my coworkers. At first we were talking about our aches and pains in our old age, and then we started talking about the games themselves. I mentioned that I couldn't wait to play again to make up for all the shots that I missed. He just looked at me for a second and kind of laughed. He said that a couple of the guys were talking earlier that morning about all of the crazy shots that I made and no one really noticed all the ones I missed.

I think its so weird how so often all I see are the shots I miss and totally lose sight of all the amazing ones that I make.

what happens when the whole world turns it's back on you?

...

so, there she is, standing in front of me, needing me. needing someone to love her. to tell her she's beautiful. to tell her that she's needed. to tell ehr that there's nobody else like her.

there she is. standing in front of me needing to be fixed. needing to have her pieces put back together again.

...

and that's where my problem really is.

I like putting pieces back together.

I liek putting together what was once broken.

I jsut have this problem that once the pieces are put back together, they realize they're better off without me.

sigh.

sleep.

i saw all the lights and it seemed like they were just lining up and so i followed them. i followed the string of lights as far as they would take me. well, that's not exactly true. i followed them as far as I could go. i never found where they ended. it seemed like they just went on forever. but now... now what? all i can do is lay here in this miserable heap out in the middle of ... in the middle of somewhere. i almost said in the middle of nowhere, but that wouldn't have been right. i'm definitely somewhere. i just have absolutely no clue where that might be.

...

i saw the movie Up In The Air yesterday. I liked it. Consider this to be my spoiler alert, because i'm going to talk a little about the movie and, even thought i doubt i'll say anything major, i figured i should give you a heads up nonetheless.

Actually, you know what? now that i'm actually laying in bed, i can't seem to really keep my eyes open.

I think I'm going to crash.

l8r g8rs.

blowing bubbles

:'


:0


:O


:x


The End.

there was a place that i used to call home
somehow
at some point
it became just another place
...
i take her clothes off
she takes mine off too
the sad part is
i can only think of you
she touches me
and i feel your skin
with my eyes closed
it's your arms i'm in
...
new years
new fears
new tears
and lots
and lots
and lots
of new beers
...
cheers
...
i need to stop. i need someone to help me. someone to hold me. someone to tell me that it's all going to be ok. i need someone to lie to me. someone to tell me that it doesn't really matter. that life will go on.