I wish I could see in to the future. Just a little bit. A few weeks, maybe. A month or two. That's it. Nohting ridiculous or anything. I just wish there were a way for me to get a sneak peak of my life a short distance in the future. I don't want winning lotto numbers or anything. No sports scores to bet on. Nothing like that. I just want to know what lies ahead for me. To prepare.

Maybe if I could just ask one question a week and have that questioned answered for me. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Who will I be doing it with? These are all just small questions. Really insignificant in the grand scheme of things... I don't see how it could hurt to know. Really. Could it?

They say that humans only really use about ten percent of their brains. Looking around myself, I figure I'm probably running at around 8.5 percent. That leaves 91.5 percent of my brains' abilities that are untapped. Now, I don't have plans for another two hours. I think, in that time, I am going to try and turn myself in to a magic eight ball of sorts. I am going to try and harness all that untapped energy inside me and see if I can get a glimpse into the future to answer one of my questions.

I'm going to go sit on my porch, assuming the lotus position, and face west, towards the setting sun. I will let it's light and it's warmth wash over me as the cool breeze whisks over me and through me. A long breath in. And a long breath out. At first my thoughts will be of you. They always are. And I'm okay with that. With my eyes closed I will see your face. Your smile. I'll feel you with me and then I'll let you pass through me as I begin to focus on all the possible visions of my future. I will let the vision of each future in to my mind for just a moment. hardly enough time for it to even sink in. And then I will let it go, to be replaced by something new. Breathing in and Breathing out. Soon, when my imagination has run its course, I'll focus on the blackness that surrounds me and wait for the true vision of my future to surface and fill that void inside me.

And if that doesn't work... well... at least then it'll be time for dinner.

What do you think?

Yeah... that's what I thought.

Reply Hazy. Please Try Again.

Fading up and fading down. Fading in and Fading Out....

my eyes drift closed and the world around me begins to slip away. what i see before me now is a world all my own. i can still hear the music playing softly in the background. dave mathews drifts in to fleet foxes in to garbage. listening to the sounds and not the words. feeling the bass beat gently, setting the pace for my heart. the music fades away slowly as a dream starts to take hold. not quite asleep yet, still in control. but the dream has defiitely begun.

...

Burning up and burning down. Burning in and Burning Out...

my eyes drift closed and the world around me begins to slip away. the music pounds around me, loud and angry as i lie there completely still. so anxious, so ready, still here, though, still waiting. yellow flames dancing. flickering.

...

Not sure why I'm leaving all that up there. usually I go back and delete stuff like that. it's not very good. it doesn't really say anything. I don't even think it really gets the point across that I want it to. And yes, there is a point.

Maybe it's just not quite ready to come out yet. And to answer your question... yes and no.

...

Sometimes, when there's something inside me that I want to say, especially when it isn't easy, I tend to ramble and talk my way through until it finally comes out. I do the same thing when I write. I know what it is that I want to say... I just can't seem to say it... I don't think I'm quite ready to, actually. Maybe that's the problem. ... Well, "problem" isn't really the right word. I think that's the reason, though. It's not a problem. When the time is right, I'll just up and say it.

...

I'm going to post this... but only for a limited time. I seems like a general waste of space, even if the internet is really quite large. I said I was posting, though, so I'm going to post. I'll take this down as soon as I have something more respectable to replace it.

Until then, dear reader, I appologize....

I'll keep the door unlocked

If you promise not to knock.

You can slip in and I'll never know

I'll never see you come, I'll never hear you go.

Don't worry, I'll never ask you to stay

Just so long as you promise you'll never go away.








I had a dream and in it we were together. but it wasn't now. it was then. way back when.... we were just kids, not knowing what we were doing, just knowing that what we were doing was right. you were in my arms and i was in yours. your lips were pressed against mine and mine against yours. everything was pure and everything was simple. the way it was meant to be. days turned in to nights and nights turned in to days into weeks in to months and i wanted to be with you more and more and i needed you in my arms more and more and now it's just... and i'm just... and we're just.... but things are just.... i just wish that... and i hope that... but all i can ever do is just hold on and enjoy the ride.





I rise before I fall. Hand in hand. You with me. On the ocean. Our ship sails.
Nothing around us. But water and waves. Nothing can touch us. It's the ocean that saves.
We float away.
We float away.


...

This and nothing more.... This and nothing more.

...

there is no avoiding destiny... all things lead to one thing and all you can hope to do is be ready when it happens.

...

This, and nothing more.

I am very awake right now. That might not seem like a big deal to most of you, but it does to me. The issue is that it is currently 4am. Actually, that's a lie. It is now 4.50am. That means I've been up for about 50 minutes. I'm not sure why I'm up, but I am.

What does one do at 4am? Well, this particular someone, on this particular night, has done absolutely nothing productive. I have spent much of the last hour reading posts on Facebook while searching for a job in the greater San Diego area. So far, no dice. On the job front, I did have several interesting notes to read on FB.

I think it's funny how, earlier, I really wanted to be awake but couldn't keep my eyes open... and now that I really want to be asleep, I can't keep them closed. Perhaps I'll throw on a movie... that usually puts me right out.

I honestly thought that there was going to be something more in here... soemthing meaningful... something deep.... but... apparently not.

I think I'll go to bed, actually... see how that pans out.

Wish me luck!

woke up and all i could think about was kissing you. that last kiss in the driveway. feeling you warm in my arms. not wanting to let you go. not wanting to leave you. breathing you in slowly and deeply, taking in everything. and then your lips pressing against mine. my heart melted. my body melted. but my soul, my spirit, was reborn and now it burns with a new fire. it burns for you.

Can anyone tell me that it will all be okay? That everything will be the same? Life must go on, but everything changes.

My cousin died. He was no spring chicken, but he was no old turkey, either. I didn't even know he was sick. I'm not sure what happened yet. I'll make those phone calls tomorrow.

I haven't been close to Bob for years. A few emails back and forth. The occassional family function. That's about it. Honestly, even growing up, I never saw him all too often. On average, I'd say, we saw each other once every other year or so.

I remember his wedding. The day he married my cousin Emily. It's one of my earliest memories. I must have been six years old. The wedding was at my aunt and uncle's house in New Jersey. My sister and I were there with my dad, I don't remember if my mom was there or not. It was summer, and it was hot. There were so many family members there. Tents were set up. The aisle they walked down was a stone path leading through a garden (I'm pretty sure they got married in a cabbage patch.) I remember running around with my sister, searching for whichever waiter had the pigs in a blanket. I must have eaten a hundred tiny hot dogs that day. By the end of the reception I was so tired I just sat down in one of the tents watching in wonder at the air above the food tables, watching it shimmer because of the heat.

A few years later, after my mom's stroke, my sister and I were up visiting my aunt and uncle in jersey over the summer, so we popped up to Albany to visit with the cousins. At this point, Emily and Bob had three kids. Two girls from Bob's first marriage and one daughter of their own. Bob was outnumbered four to one. When I was there, we holed ourselves up in a side room with a computer and we played a baseball game together. We talked about baseball and the Mets and we played that computer game and it was because of him that I fell in love with the sport. He filled a hole in my heart that, at the time, I wouldn't let my father fill.

A few years later I spent another week one summer with Emily and Bob and their family up in Vermont and, really, I looked forward to seeing him more than anything else. This time we had a nintendo and played a different baseball game, one with graphics and everything. We almost drove up to Montreal to watch a Mets game, but there wasn't a game that day, so we went to the mall instead and spent the day at an arcade.

It's those memories that I will cherish the most.

I can't even imagine how Katie and Amy and Ang and Matt must feel right now. And Emily.... my heart goes out to all of you...

Bob, you will be missed.

There's a story in me that I just can't tell. The whole thing is still playing out in my mind and in my life and I just don't know exactly where its going or how it will end and to try and guess at this point would just be foolish so I'm going to let this run on sentence run on and on and let that be it for now.

Today has to have been one of the laziest days of my life. Seriously. For starters, I stayed up kinda late last night. Like, 2ish. Not too bad in the grand scheme of things, but still. Well, I woke up at around 9.30 this morning and checked my email and whatnot... you know, the whole morning routine... and then started watching Obama stuff.

That didn't last too long, though. I remember him leaving a church and then I remember bullet proof limousines.... aretha franklin... biden swearing in.... wait, what? swearing in? I should be awake for this. So I sat up and watched as the a minority became president of the united states. Kinda cool.

Then... well... I don't really remember what happened after that. I think I slept a little more. Then I started my movie marathon.

It wasn't intentional. I mean, I didn't plan on spending my entire day off on the couch watching movies... .but... well... I did.

First, I watched Eagle vs Shark. It was ok. A love story involving two... well, I'm not sure what to call them... nerds? that would be the best description I can think of... but the characters weren't developed enough. Not really something I'd reccomend, but it didn't pain me to watch it. Well, maybe a time or two, but not on the whole.

Next came the Ice Storm. I've been wanting to see that movie for a Long time, but just never got around to it. It was a family drama. Kept me interested throughout. It wasn't until the end, though, that I realized that the movie I'd actually been wanting to see for a long time was Ice Harvest, not Ice Storm. Oh well. Still liked it well enough.

Finally came Smart People. I'd never heard of that one before today, but figured I'd give it a shot. After all, it had Ellen Page. Another family drama... but this one had a lot more humor in it. I liked it. Of the three, I'd say it was the one I liked the most.

Next on tap for the evening was chatting with my favorite Laura in the whole world. In fact, we're still chatting now. How 'bout that? I took a Myers/Briggs type personality test and it told me that I was ESFP. I think that's BS.

Oh well. I'm going to get back to chatting.

You folks have yourselves a good evening and I'm sure I'll see you tomorrow...

This weekend was pretty huge. Actually, pretty huge doesn't even begin to describe this weekend. I'm not really sure that I am even capable of telling the whole story the way it deserves to be told... at least, not in my current state of mind.

No, I'm not drunk. I'm just tired. And I have to work in the morning. You know... Work... that thing I haven't done since the meeting on Thursday? Yeah... That. Work. In the morning.

So tired....

Actually, I'm going to sleep and just write this up tomorrow. Probably better for us all that way.

TBC....

Ok. Slept. Woke up. Worked. Home. Back.

I still can't do this weekend justice. No way. But I'll try. Thursday, after work, I drove down to South Tampa to have dinner with the Watson's. They owed me a dinner, so it was their treat, which was nice. We went to Ceviche's. It's a Spanish Tapas place. Very cool. We split a huge carrafe of Sangria, and ordered in rounds, instead of all at once. Each round we each chose a dish and split everything when it came. Oh my goodness.... SO good! We all agreed that I had the best picks of the evening. Everything I picked was amazing.... Shells stuffed with spicy veal sausage... scallops in a creamy wine sauce... roasted quail over a bed of spinach.... for realz. SO good. So, so good.... Then, on my way home, I dropped by the Ale House for a frothy beverage or two with Galovic and Tom. Good times.

Slept in on Friday. Ooops! Drove up to G'ville and had lunch at McCallisters. On my way up there, I had a sudden urge to see if my Ex wanted to get together and catch up for a few. I didn't have her number in my phone, but I was pretty sure I remembered it... apparently not. Number not in service, or something like that. I tried going through my email, but I can only see the last 30 Days worth on my phone. No dice. Oh well. Maybe next time... If there is a next time... At McCallisters, I had Broccolli chedder soup in a bread bowl and a sweet tea. oh yeah. Pure. Goodness. Then I went to Devil's Millhopper to wander around with my camera. It was about fifty degrees outside, kind of sunny and amazingly nice. Definitely went back to my car to get my sweatshirt, though. Definitely. After that came dinner with JC and the Sunshine Band at Satchels. For those of you who don't know of Satchels... I'm sorry. They only make the best pizza in the entire world. I feel perfectly comfortable putting myself out there and saying that they make the best pizza in the whole freakin' Milky Way Galaxy. Oh yeah. That good. Next stop was.... well... more of a stutter than a stop. I went down to The Dugout to meet Bennie for a few beers... so, I had a few beers and left before he got there. Then I went to the Swamp to meet Bordo Baggins.... but I was early. So I meandered across the street to The Copper Monkey for a few beers.... Then met Comrade Bordinski at The Swamp where we had a few beers, talked to strange women about ice skating and the perils of smoking and had a grand ol' time. Before I move on, I just have to say that at some point in the night, I saw this one girl from across the bar. It was a brief glance, but our eyes met and there was a flash of recognition, and then it was gone. I remembered her from somewhere, but I had no idea where. It was weird.

Saturday. Funday. Woke up early, then fell back asleep. Then woke up again and made my way to UF's campus to wander around with my camera. Had a good time seeing old places and remembering all sorts of shinanigans that took place around campus. Good times... Then I met up with Mike for the UF Men's Basketball game. Way fun. And... who do you think was sitting in the section right next to mine? JTrain's wife! How 'bout that.... I popped over to talk for her for a bit. I can't believe that I hadn't seen her since her wedding! Craziness! I need to make a trip up to Jax! Anyway... Now... Guess who was sitting in the seat in front of me? Yep, you got it! Mystery Girl from the night before! What are the odds? We spent the entire second half of the game trying to figure out how we knew eachother... turns out she knew some people that I went to high school with... but that wasn't it. Still have no clue, but I added her to my FB, so I'm sure we'll figure it out someday... and if not... who cares? One can never have too many Gator Alumni Friends!! After the BBall game, took another quick tour of campus taking pictures with Mike, then slowly made our way to the Ale House. Wow. It wasn't the original gang, but it was still a solid turn out and a lot of alcohol. I had seven shots of Jager and Mike had more. We got a ride home from a new friend and passed the heck out.

Sunday was... well... recovery. Breakfast with the new friend, another quick trip to campus, then back to tampa. Lunch at Giordano's, desert at Cold Stone, then dropped BordoBordoOxenFree at the airport and then went home to crash. Woke up to an Instant Message that was followed by a three+ hour phone call that included an invitation to move to L.A.

I'm still smiling... though not as much, because Batgirl hasn't been feeling well today. I don't think it has to do with talking to me... but one can't be sure.

And that was my weekend. Time for me to make some dinner and get ready to play some tennis. I hope you folks had a wonderful weekend of your own!

I don’t know when it happened. All I know is that at some point over the last few months I’ve fallen madly in love with someone who lives, roughly, 2534.11 miles away. I can’t pinpoint any one single thing that put me over the edge, just so many little things. I do know the very first moment I thought it might be possible, though.

She gave me a fish.

Not a real fish, either.

A Facebook fish.

I was bored and needed to make a quick Status change on the website, so I typed the first thing I could think of… David has lost his fish. And then I went to work.

When I came home, I had a present waiting for me. Dandelion had given me a fish with a note saying, “lookie what I found…” It was a virtual fish, but still, it made me think, “wow, this girl is cute.” I immediately changed my status to, David has lost his phone number…

It didn’t work.

Not exactly, anyways.

I did not get her number. Not then. It did spark a line of conversation that lead to chatting instead of just leaving each other messages. The first night we chatted for an hour or so. The next night was about the same. Then the hour became two and then three and then four and a week of talking every night became a month which became two and now four months with us talking just about every single night.

Just like each hour we talk passes like a second, each month has just flown by. I can’t tell you when it happened, but it did. Now I love it that he first thing I think about in the morning is the same as the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep: her. I can close my eyes and see her smiling at me. I can remember what it was like to feel her lips pressed against mine. I can remember the feel of her hot breath on my neck. The sound of her breathing softly in my ear. The taste of her skin.

Its been weeks since I’ve seen her and it’ll be months until I see her again, but I can’t stop thinking about her. And I’m okay with that. Life has a funny way of working itself out sometimes, so I guess I’ll just strap myself in and enjoy the ride.

I'm Ready....

I'm ready for you now
Ready like I never was before
I'm ready for you now
Ready for you to knock on my door
I can let you in
I can open up
I can let you in
Like I never have before
I'm ready
I'm ready for you now
I'm ready
I need you now

People say I'm strange...

They do. I've had several people tell me that today. Two at work, one after work and two over IM all the way from Californ-i-a.

I think they're right.

I'm not feeling quite with it tonight. I slept on my wrist funny last night and woke up in so much pain I threw up a little. Just a little. I popped a Magic Pill and went off to work.

Got home and toughed it out for a little while... it was just a steady throb... all... day... long... I was laying there on the couch after lunch watching a movie. I watched Bridge to Terebithia. I'd never seen it before... and I'd never read the book. I enjoyed it. It wasn't great... but I liked it. The little girl was cute. I probably would have had a crush on her if she were in my class. Cute and weird.... right up my ally.

But, yeah, I was talking about me not being quite right today...

Popped another pill after the movie.

All I could think about was my wrist... no matter what I was doing, my thoughts drifted to the steady throb.

So I did it.

It's worn off by now... I feel my wrist, but it's not bad. I'm typing, afterall, so it couldn't be TOO bad. But it's still left me feeling a little funny.

I also watched Life is Beautiful tonight.

I'd never seen that one before either.

Good flick. I'd recommend it to anyone.

I'm going to Gainesville on Thursday to watch the National Chompionship Game.

I'm getting sleepy.

I'm also going to G'ville next Friday.

If there were a roadsign in front of me right now, it would read "Good Times Ahead."

And that makes me happy as a clam.

And speaking of clams....

I'm going to shut mine and go to sleep.

Figures, the one night I don't have to worry about getting up the next day, I'm going to bed early. I mean, it's barely 1am!

Oh well...

Off I go.

sometimes i think i'm crazy. i really do. especially on im.

FRIEND (12:30:09 AM): im trying to blog but you keep distracting me, so im gonna shut you out for like 15 minutes
Doobers18 (12:30:16 AM): wtf?
Doobers18 (12:30:18 AM): you can't do that!
FRIEND (12:30:18 AM): hahahaha
FRIEND (12:30:20 AM): i need to
Doobers18 (12:30:24 AM): !!!
FRIEND (12:30:27 AM): sorry
Doobers18 (12:30:30 AM): fine.
Doobers18 (12:30:32 AM): I see how it is.
Doobers18 (12:30:33 AM): fucker.
FRIEND (12:30:38 AM):
Doobers18 (12:30:39 AM): go
Doobers18 (12:30:40 AM): go
Doobers18 (12:30:44 AM): write your fucking blog.
Doobers18 (12:30:47 AM): see if I fucking care.
Doobers18 (12:30:49 AM): ignore me.
Doobers18 (12:30:51 AM): everyone else does.
Doobers18 (12:30:54 AM): maybe I'll call Batgirl
Doobers18 (12:31:00 AM): or im you.
Doobers18 (12:31:02 AM): it's all the same.
Doobers18 (12:31:05 AM): silence....
Doobers18 (12:31:08 AM): nothing.
Doobers18 (12:31:11 AM): no love.
Doobers18 (12:31:13 AM): no respect.
Doobers18 (12:31:15 AM): just
Doobers18 (12:31:16 AM): empty
Doobers18 (12:31:17 AM): space
Doobers18 (12:31:24 AM): good thing I have my beer to cheer me up
Doobers18 (12:31:27 AM): or at least
Doobers18 (12:31:29 AM): make me forget
Doobers18 (12:31:31 AM): for a little while
Doobers18 (12:31:36 AM): nursing the bottle
Doobers18 (12:31:43 AM): like I was a baby
Doobers18 (12:31:45 AM): drinking
Doobers18 (12:31:46 AM): to feel alive
Doobers18 (12:31:57 AM): but now
Doobers18 (12:31:59 AM): drinking
Doobers18 (12:32:04 AM): to feel ... nothing at all.
Doobers18 (12:32:07 AM): to numb the pain
Doobers18 (12:32:12 AM): to numb the world.
Doobers18 (12:32:19 AM): because the world is pain.
Doobers18 (12:32:23 AM): that's all it brings
Doobers18 (12:32:24 AM): sorrow
Doobers18 (12:32:28 AM): heartache
Doobers18 (12:32:32 AM): pain.
Doobers18 (12:32:45 AM): life is pain.
Doobers18 (12:33:00 AM): sometimes I close my eyes and wish it would all just go away
Doobers18 (12:33:15 AM): I feel the sweat pouring down my back as I take another sip from the bottle
Doobers18 (12:33:21 AM): it's almost empty now
Doobers18 (12:33:22 AM): just like me
Doobers18 (12:33:28 AM): warm
Doobers18 (12:33:29 AM): empty
Doobers18 (12:33:30 AM): and alone
Doobers18 (12:33:34 AM): the last of it's kind.
Doobers18 (12:33:36 AM): once it's gone
Doobers18 (12:33:38 AM): it's gone
Doobers18 (12:33:40 AM): forever.
Doobers18 (12:33:45 AM): but really
Doobers18 (12:33:47 AM): is that so bad?
Doobers18 (12:34:07 AM): since when are endings something to be feared?
Doobers18 (12:34:15 AM): they shouldn't be
Doobers18 (12:34:22 AM): endings are really just beginnings.
Doobers18 (12:34:43 AM): when life ends, an eternity without it's pain begins.
Doobers18 (12:34:49 AM): ok.
Doobers18 (12:34:52 AM): I can't do this anymore.
Doobers18 (12:34:56 AM): I'm really not this depressed.
Doobers18 (12:35:03 AM): it's hard to come up with shit like that when you're smiling.
Doobers18 (12:35:05 AM): fucking hard as shit.
Doobers18 (12:35:07 AM): old shit.
Doobers18 (12:35:08 AM): hard shit.
Doobers18 (12:35:12 AM): petrified poop.

Another Year Gone... Year End Review Take Two

Wow. Two Thousand Eight... Gone. Done. Another year in the past. It's kind of crazy looking back on it. So much happened. So many adventures. So many things that were typical Me and so many more that we not.

It started off with a New Year's Eve bash in Gainesville with the reuniting of the Triumvirate of Cool and never really slowed down.

Lots of random women throughout the year...

Wait.

That didn't come out right.

Not at all.

First off, by "lots" I really mean two. But that's a lot for me.... And by "random" I mean... well, ok. They were both random.

In the beginning of the year I started talking to a fellow bby'er up in North FL. She found me on Myspace through a friend of a friend of a friend or something like that... turns out we had emailed back and forth through work about a dozen times prior. I think she stalked me to myspace. :) Either way, it was fun... Still is, but in a different way. Back then we were both hardcore flirts.... now? she's engaged. :) heh... strange days, my friends... strange days....

While we're still on the begining of the year, I suppose I should mention my accident. It definitely changed the course of my entire life.

Well, maybe.... maybe not.

Either way, it was an experience.

I broke both my wrists playing basketball. It sucked. I mean, it was fun dunking the basketball (on a 9 foot rim) and for the rest of my life I've got a great story... but actually having two broken arms was a pain in the... well... arms. So, I broke them on a Sunday night... went to the ER... was told only one was broken and I should see a surgeon first thing in the morning. Only there was a slight problem. The Mets were playing the Marlins in Miami's home opener the next day and I had tickets. No way I was missing that. I had my friend drive me down to the game (he had a ticket and was already planning on coming so it's not like I just had him chaeuffer me to Miami and back... he was going anyways). I remember the game, but vaguely. I was popping Vicatin like they were tic-tacs. Went to see the specialist on Tuesday morning, found out both wrists were broken and one needed surgery. Got sliced that night and became a Bionic Man. Took 2 Wednesday and Thursday off work, then went back in on Friday. Grrr... me tough man... grr....

Anyways... that lead to many smaller adventures over the following weeks... I will spare you the details, but just know that I had a good time in spite of the pain. I even started bowling again, with the broken wrists. Probably not the smartest move... but I suppose I'm not the smartest guy, so it's ok.

The summer of 2008 brought ProjectCali... a week-long trip to San Diego to visit Bordo Baggins when he moved out there.

Good times... Good beer.. Good friends....

Can't wait to go back!

That was really the highlight of the summer. I'm sure I did other stuff, I just can't think of what that stuff may have been.

Then came the fall...

That's when things got interesting.... again.

I lost my fish.... and got a replacement as a gift. That was in early October. That fish was given to me by none other than Batgirl. I just happened to send her a message one day on Facebook, even though we hadn't talked in over ten years and, really, we were never more than acquaintances. In fact, all she even remembered of me was that she thought I was a nice guy... a bit snobbish, but nice. Can you believe that? She thought I was a snob in high school.... I can't believe that... but that's what she thought. To be fair, though, I had her confused for somebody else in elementary school. Turns out she didn't even go to my elementary school. Anyways...

We've talked just about every day since.

Just before Christmas we went on our first date.

I gotsta say... Best First Date Ever. That's all I'm going to say.... but it had to be said.

Just before the new year, I had another first date. It was fun and all... but noone compares to Batgirl. If she were to call me right now and ask me to run away with her, I would finish my load of laundry that's going right now, pack my bags and be on the next plane to Anywhere.

So that was Last Year In A Nutshell.

It kinda makes me wonder what Two Thousand Nine will have in store for me...

2008 Year In Review

For those of you just joining me, every year on or around New Year's Eve I write up a nice little recap of the previous year and throw out a few goals that never seen to come to fruition.

Last year, my goals were to get my wisdom teeth out (still there), fix my deviated septum (still deviated) and get in better shape (still weigh the same amount as last year and look about the same, minus the hair). Yeah. None of that happened.

None of it.

So what did happen?

I know you're curious...

Actually, you're probably not. If you're reading this now, you've probably been with me in either body or spirit the whole time.... But I'm going to tell you anyway, because that's just what I do.

This is going to be weird for me to write since I started it happy and am now continuing it sad. I won't tell you why I'm sad here, though, because it's SO 2009 and not belonging in the '08 recap.

So... where to begin....

I keep thinking of stories to tell... but not sure which details to leave in and which details to leave out... I don't even want to write this right now, but I know that if I don't, I won't.

argh.

can't concentrate.

2008....

It sure had it's ups and downs.

I broke both my arms.

That was, most literally, up and then crashing down.

I was incredibly selfish in 2008. More so than I ever have been before in my life.

Looking back on it, that was really the theme of the year for me. I don't feel bad about that, either. I spend so much of my life, so much of my time, so much of my energy trying to make other people happy. I've been like that my whole life, putting other people's needs and wants before my own. That's always been my thing.

2008, though... 2008 was different. Now, when I say that I was selfish... that's just in comparison to every other year in my life. For most people, I was just living life the way it was meant to be lived.

The reason I broke my arms playing basketball is because I was in such a good mood I thought I could dunk a basketball. The reason I was in such a good mood was because I was in lust and was actually doing something about it. Not on the basketball court, but at the time. That's atypical for me. It was fun... but it didn't work out. But hey, at least I tried.

I also fell in love this year. It started in the beginning of October. Because of Barletta. It's been such a strange trip. It seems like we've been talking every day for years, not just months. But still. We've talked just about every single day for four months. Some nights it was for a few minutes. Most nights it was for an hour or two. On several occasions it was until the sun came up. I knew she was special almost right away.

Argh.

I'm not going to do this right now.

So how was that selfish? How could falling in love possibly be considered selfish? Well.... because it's what I wanted to do, not what she wanted to do. Again, not getting into the details right now so you'll just have to trust me on that one...

I'm tired.

Today has been a long, long day...

What a wonderful start to the new year.

It's not all bad, mind you.

The future is ripe with opportunity. I'm not giving up on that one.... it's just being placed on hold... indefinitely. In the meantime, though, the possibilities are endless. I mean, there are still 364 days left in 2009. In January of last year I never would have predicted the events of last year... not in a million tries... so I'm not about to try to guess what this year will hold for me.

Here's hoping for more smiles than tears. More friends than enemies. More good than bad. More love than hate.