Friday, July 31, 2009

when you look at my face, what do you see? a friend? a lover? your future? your past? tell me what i mean to you



...



I've been thinking a lot lately....



...


if i've said it once i must have said it a million times... i think i'm in love again

i just wish i knew her name

...

we're the ones who make the world what it is.

...

sometimes i think i care too much... and other times i just wish i cared at all.

...

i just wanted to come over and say hey

i couldn't help but see you from across the way

and you're definitely the most beautiful girl i've seen all day

wait, where are you going? I think you should stay

give me just a sec and hear what i've got to say

i'm not just here to play

this is serious business, ok?

ok.

just follow me to the floor

we'll dance and talk a little more

just a taste of what's in store

then we'll hit the door

back to my place

make love, not war

wait, wait, don't go

there's one more thing i want you to know

....

and just like that i was too tired to write anything else

that'st he endof my rap game... at least for tonight.

sometimes i wish i knew where crap like that came from... i think it'[s from listening to too much eminem... makes me think all white kids can rap.

So not true. I'm about as anyways... i cna't even keep my eyes open anymore. my fingers are doing just fine, cilck clacking away at the keyboard with no no hopes and no fears. no angst, but no cheer.

ok

i've said it before and i'm saying it for real now. i'm out like a trout, so don't forget to peace out and eat your vegetables!! whatwhat! sleep.

Of all the girls I've met...

Ok... honestly, I think she is one of the beautiful people I've ever met. Seriously. Everthing about her from the way that she talks to the way that she walks.
The way that she flips her hair to the way she just doesn't care.
The music that she likes.
The way she laughs.
Her smile.
Oh lord her smile... They say, "Smile and the whole world smiles with you" ... well, with her it's true. She smiles with her whole face, her whole body, and you can't help but be happy too.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

She & Him

I thought I saw your face today
But I just turned my head away
Your face against the trees
But I just see the memories
As they come
As they come

And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

I saw it glitter as I grew
And loved a girl I never knew
I thought this place was heaven-sent
But now it's just a monument
In my mind
In my mind

And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

The cars and freeways implore me to stay
Away out of this place
My mother said, "Just keep your head And play it as it lays
"The cars and freeways implore me to stay
Away out of this place
My mother said, "Just keep your head And play it as it lays"

I somehow see what's beautiful
In things that are ephemeral
I'm my only friend of mine
And love is just a piece of time
In the world
In the world

And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Thoughts of an upcoming birthday...

I drove down to Cape Coral today to visit an old friend... one of my oldest friends, actually. This is one of the first people I met when I moved to Florida when I was eight years old. The drive down here is two hours, so I had plenty of time to do some thinking, so think I did.

With all the recent planning for my birthday extravaganza, i started to think about which birthday its going to be for me. My thirtieth. I'm turning thirty. After that point, when i write my age it will start with a three instead of a two.

How weird is that?

Craziness.

Pure insanity.

I'm turning thirty.

I'm not upset or scared or angry or anything like that. I'm just.... surprised. Not that I didn't think I'd make it this far, just that I didn't think I'd get here so quickly.

My twenties are a blur. Not from week-long drinking binges or anything like that. It's a motion blur, like when you take a picture of a race-car going twohundredmilesanhour with a POS digital camera.

I'm not even sure I remember my twentieth birthday... that was the year I was with Michelle, though, I remember that. Still living on campus at UF. That was the year Marco turned 21 and we had our first bash with alcohol. We drank beer, did lemon drops and somehow Marco ended up putting his ass through Amar's sister's wall (we actually had to re-do the drywall before she moved out.)

My twenty first was great. Dinner and drinks at Chili's and then back to ARF for a mini-party. I drank a fifth of SoCo, dare me to drive? I invited Regina, but she didn't come. We weren't friends yet. Tracy did, though, and so did Mike. That's not the night they met, though. I think I said good-bye to Tracy at least a dozen times. I also think I threw up in my shower that night, but it was clean by the time I woke up and none of my roommates ever told me they cleaned it up, so maybe it was just a bad dream. Even though Regina wasn't at my party, she was around shortly after. We were together every night, basically, for the next five years or so.

Twenty two through twenty five were all spent with regina and old friends in Gainesville. Things were good. Plans were being made. The future was becoming more and more clear. I graduated college and worked for bedbathandbeyond, then for the Department of Otolaryngology at Shands and then at BestBuy and the Gainesville Sun. Things were good.

And then I turned twenty six and things weren't so good. Regina and I were divorced. I was still working for Bestbuy, but I was starting to grow apart from some of those old friends. Thankfully, though, I made some new friends and started a new phase in my life. This was the start of the Era of Ale House. The waitresses knew us by name and as soon as we'd sit down we would have a pitcher of Miller Light and a handful of frosty mugs. Nikki, I still love you, and if you would have me, I would take you anywhere. And it was here that I took my first road trip. Gainesville to Tampa to Pittsburgh to Cleveland to Chicago and then back to Gainesville. By myself. I watched a lot of baseball, met a lot of amazing people and put a lot of miles on my car. It was two weeks of asphalt and hotels. Baseball and beer. Good times.

Twenty seven was my next road trip, this time with Mike. Gainesville to Vegas to Chicago to Cleveland and back to Gainesville. Amazing. People say that after 3 days in Vegas you should get out while the getting is good. We were there for six days. It was pure madness. Beer Pong at Blondies. You scratched my sunglasses! The long walk home. Best. Vacation. Ever.

When I turned twenty eight I moved to Tampa for no particular reason. On a whim. Unemployed and unconcerned.

In the year I've been twenty nine I've traveled to San Diego and LA, Vegas, Cleveland and I'll be going back to Vegas and San Diego for my thirtieth birthday. It's been the year of vacations (and for some reason it feels like I'm missing one...)

So, my early twenties were all about staying the same. Staying in the same place with the same people doing the same things. My later twenties have been about change. New places and new faces. I'm proud to say that I've probably lived more over the last five years than some people live in their entire lives. I'm not saying that to brag or anything like that. I just find it amazing that I've found the courage to do some of the things that I have done and I can only hope that I can continue to live a life as happy as the one I've lived these last few years.

I do have goals and aspirations and all that jazz... but my number one goal is to be happy. And even if that's the only goal I reach, I'll be ok with that...

Sunday, July 26, 2009

heading down the road
the devil driving my car
the top down
the wind blows
she speeds up
as the sun drops

there's nothing like
the devil's body
pressed up against yours
her hot breath
whispering in your ear
dont' listen to what they say
it's worth your soul

...

You called me after midnight
Must have been years since we last spoke
I slowly tried to bring back
The image of your face from the memories so old
I tried so hard to follow
But didn't catch a half of what had gone wrong
Said, "I don't know what I can save you from"
I dont' know what I can save you from
I asked you to come over
And within half an hour you were at my door
I'd never really known you
But I realized that the one you were before
Had changed into somebody
For whom I wouldn't mind to put the kettle on
Still i don't know what I can save you from
I dont' know what I can save you from

- Kings of Convenience

...

There's no harm in asking, right?

...

Never is too absolute... and Forever is a very, very long time... so why don't we just go with Maybe and Another Time?

...

The bitter taste fades as I float on down that lazy river

...

eyes closed
remember to breathe
feeling my heart beat in my chest
slowly
and slowly
and slowly
until
finally
it doesn't

....

i need to feel you
here next to me
i need to feel
your heart next to mine
i need to hear you
say those words to me

...

what i am to you
is not real to you

sex in the morning

is almost as good as writing in the morning.
or maybe its the other way around
or maybe its not even close
i dont' know

i had the most vivid dream last night
more vivid than dreaming of being fired

i was on an adventure
costa rica, i think.

i was on the beach, breaking open a few coconuts
just like i did when i was a kid

she was there too
her hair was dark, dark red
her eyebrow was pierced
and so was her lip

i'm not sure who she was
i don't think she's starred in any of my other dreams
but the way we looked at each other
i know she'll be back

we wandered the beach
sometimes together
sometimes alone

the sunset was amazing
fire sinking into the ocean

when my alarm went off this morning
i didn't even move to turn it off
i tried to hold on to that dream as long as possible

but alas
it wasn't meant to be.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

memory cards


sometimes it's fun to go through memory cards just to see what's on them.

I miss California.

I want to go back.
Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, July 22, 2009




I took a picture today. it wasn't beautiful or special in any way. it was a mere shot at the sky while driving home from work.


an ordinary day.

an ordinary sky.

an ordinary life.


I'm not really sure why i took the picture. there was nothing about the day i really wish to remember. nothing worth saving. nothing worth capturing.


the picture just... is.

and always will be.


... the wonders of the internet.


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I just woke up from a nap... it was really quite amazing. was watching a movie. Slacker. it put me to sleep. cult classic? maybe. not sure i'd want to be a part of that cult, though. what was the point? i don't know.

the nap.

the nap was amazing.

absolutely absolute.

been wondering what the point in Life is, lately. are we meant to wander, or do we really have a purpose? not that i'm looking to find god, or anything like that... just musing. trying to find out which reality is the one worth living in. the reality in which i make This decision, or That one.

i lost something. something i can never get back. i didn't mean to let it happen... it just slipped through my fingers.

i need another adventure. my life seems stale. it's not bad. not at all. i'm probably having more fun, leading a more full life these last few weeks than i have in a long time. there's hardly a night that goes by that i'm not up to some sort of shinanigans. i just need... something bigger.

any suggestions?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Hurt is a funny thing. I'm wathcing a movie where the guy's girlfriend leaves him after college to move to another country. Prague of all places, go figure.

Anyways, before she leaves, she invites the guy to go, but he doesn't... he can't leave the life he has behind.

So, she leaves.

He stays.

She calls.

He ignores.

She calls.

He drinks.

She calls.

He sleeps around.
He's miserable.
He thinks about her.
He writes about her.
He dreams about her.

She stops calling.

The movie isn't over... it's still going.... but I'm guessing that's what happens.

It's strange to see these people.... these kids... at 22 years old, acting and talking like my friends and I do now.... like we did when We were 22... and when we were 16.... and when we were 12...

We do the same things and we say the same things... The only thing that changes is where we are.

I keep seeing myself in these characters. I always do. I need to work harder on making myself a character.

What if we did have a love affair? Do you think it would really last?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I'm not exactly sure what to write about here. Right now.

Mixed emotions.

Happy and... not.

But mostly happy.

Went on a mission today... and failed.

Found my new sunglasses, though... didn't buy them. way too much $$$

Anyways... I want to be more random.

biggity biggity bam!

.... I'm feeling kind of uninspired at the moment though ....

damn.

oh well

maybe next time.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Late one night I saw you there
Staring at me from across the bar
Everyone was dancing
So I got up and took you with me
On to the dance floor
We moved to the music
And we were born in each others arms

...

i was going to say more but i didn't have the words

...

where did you go with my broken heart

...

falling from above
you took it all with you
as you crashed right through me

...

take it back
take it all back
take back what you said
and what you did
and lets start over
with only what we truly mean

...

my fingers miss the feel of you

...

there's no need to hide anymore
no need to run

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I don't remember ever being as small as she was. Maybe its just the perspective of being older. Of being taller. She just stood there, with her hands clasped in front of her. She wasn't quite crying, but you could tell how upset she was by the way she kept fidgeting. The entire time her mother was talking to her, she didn't take her eyes off her shoes. I just wanted to hug the poor girl. To protect her. No one so small deserved to be yelled at like that.

...

She has no idea what strange steps lie in front of her. She just looks at the world around her and knows that everything she sees is hers for the taking. She reaches up and pulls a star from the sky and puts it on a thin silver chain around her neck.

...

Her smile says that she's innocent, but her eyes say something completely different.

...

Does perfection exist in another person?

...

What ever happened to the days where kids were just kids?

...

At some point I changed. Looking at myself in the mirror, I know I am not the same person I was when I woke up this morning. So, really, I'm left with one question... who am I?

...

All the houses lined up in neat little rows. All the little girls with their little shoes with their little bows. All the little boys with grass stains on their clothes.

...

Hush

Quiet now.

Just let the music wash over you

And in to you

And through you

...

My eyes are closed. It's so close to being that time....

Friday, July 3, 2009

Innerscope




ack!


It's been, like, MONTHS since I've written anything! What's Wrong With Me!?!


A lack of inspiration, perhaps?


Certainly not a lack of perspiration. It's hot as balls right now. I've got the AC pumpin and the fans blowin. My clothes are strewn across my living room floor and I'm sipping on a tall glass of iced tea wearing a sweatband I soaked in water and put in the freezer for a few hours.


I'm hungry again, too.


This isn't good at all.


We're talking five square meals a day and I'm certainly not working out. Its all just getting burned off. Literally. Its like I'm on fire.


I wrote a story a long time ago inspired by this state I'm in. It was about a guy who just got so hot he set someone on fire. Or did he? He was kind of halucinating.... I never said it was a good story, but I wrote it nonetheless.


The idea was there, though.


I had it stuck in my head and I had to let it out.


At the time I as obsessed with the idea of writing a story from the point of view of someone who's point of view was skewed.


Like reading Batman from the view of the Joker. You can't really trust the narrator, but you don't know that from the start. You start off thinking that the view you're getting is the Right view... but it turns out that its very, very wrong.


At first the idea was just to write about someone who was kind of evil... the badguy.... but instead it came out as someone crazy. Going crazy. You can see it as the story developes, but there's nothing flat out telling you. You just have to assume at some point that what you're seeing isn't exactly real.


I thought it was a good concept... I just didn't really execute properly.


I think that's something I could revisit now. It's been a lot of years and I'm much more familiar with crazy than I was back then.


I look around myself now and wonder if this is sanity.


The line is thin, and so often I wonder which side I'm on.


It really has been a whie since I've written anything... it feels kinda nice. my fingers dancing across the keys making their own beautiful music.


In fact... the music is s nice that its actually lulling me to sleep.

So let me leave you th this, dear reader....


What would you do if you found out that you're ownpersonal narator wasn't quite trustworthy? What if hat inner voice of yours started giving you bad intel Intel you Knew as false? Would you start to listen or would you go against your greatest instinct and ignore it?