what is music to you?

is it a reflection of who you are? or you a reflection of what you listen to?

i heard a story once about a surgeon who was struck by lightning. he lived. a few weeks later he had a strong urge to listen to piano music. he had a dream he was listening to piano music that he had written himself. so, he took a few lessons and wrote the song he'd heard in his dream.

How odd is that?

There have been studies done that show that musical training increases the connectivity between both sides of the brain. Does this mean that teaching kids how to play music can make them smarter? I mean, just think of how structured music is and what that kind of training would prepare you for...

I dunno... just something to think about.

Mind you, I have no musical training and I'm a fucking genius.

I'm just see through faded, super jaded, out of my mind

Loke the coldest winter chill, heaven beside you, hell within

...

My fingers feel like weights on the keyboard. I want to write. My brain is whirring... but... my fingers aren't moving.



well, they are right now.. but barely.



mostly they're just sitting on the home keys.



my b.
...
ok. it's the next day. all that stuff before this was written yesterday. I usually delete that crap, but this time I just closed out of it and somehow it got saved, so consider this Part B.

.... I still don't know what I want to say right now, though.

I am rather uninspired.

I need a story.

A good story.

I mean, tonight there was the thing with Obama's engineer... but... no... and there was the one about the chick who wanted someone, anyone, so badly that she was flirting hardcore with anyone within reach, including both Tom and a 50 year old guy telling stories about how he saved small children from a burning orphanage.

those aren't Inspired stories, though....

I could tell the tale of DB's... where half the employees know me by name. I met a new waitress tonight... I forgot her name, but she's only been in the States for about a year now, and she was amused when I told her the only german I knew was Ich Leibe Bumson. The spelling might be off, but she got the gist of it when I said it. She was mildly amused.

really, though... that's about it.

I think maybe i should just go to sleep and let tomorrow bring its own adventure, no matter how large or small.

so, dear reader, i wish you a good night and dreams so sweet they give you cavities.

I remember the first time we slept together. Well, that's not quite right... I didn't sleep at all that night. I set it up perfectly, though. We went for a walk, late at night. That wasn't unusual for us. That was actually kind of Our Thing. We would meet up around 11pm or so and walk around campus and talk and do all sorts of random things like sneak in to random building and write positive messages on classroom chalkboards.

On that particular night, though, when I walked her to the door I suggested we watch a movie before calling it a night. The Princess Bride. Who could say no to that? We sat on her couch and started watching. It wasn't long before we were both out cold. The voice of Miracle Max woke me up, so I watched the rest of that scene ("Everybody knows ‘to blave’ means ‘to bluff’...") and then woke her up.

We were both exhausted and half asleep. I was in no condition to walk to my dorm room even though it was just about a hundred feet away.

I suggested she let me just sleep with her.

It was the only logical thing.

She thought about it.

She said yes.

We made our way to her room and slipped in to her bed.

She was out immediately.

I propped myself up on one elbow and looked over at her, watching the slow rise and fall of her chest as she slept so peacefully.

I'm not sure how long I watched her there, but finally I let my head rest on the pillow next to hers and closed my eyes.

The bed was a twin, so our bodies were pressed up against each other. I could feel her body move with each breath she took. I could also feel my own heart pounding in my chest.

I was there.

In her bed.

Having her so close just felt right.

I realized my eyes were open again.
I forced them shut.

Tried to stop thinking of her.

Tried to stop thinking at all.

It didn't work.

It never does.

My arm was asleep.

Holy crap.

Pins and needles! Pins and Needles!!!

Weight shift. Move the arm. Maybe I should roll over. Shit. Wall. Damn twin size dorm beds! Ok, I can do this. Prop myself up, twist. Shit. The covers. Ok... roll over. Reach back over and make sure she's covered. Ok. Shit. She moved. Where'd the pillow go? Shit. Ok. I can prop my head on my arm. She moved closer. If I move my arm I'm going to elbow her. Possibly in the face. That would Not be good. Ok. Maybe I can push her over. Gently. Very gently. Ok. Maybe not. Roll back over. She's so cute. Her hand reaches out and I take it in mine. It is cold. Very cold. How can her hands be this cold? Now my hand is cold. Great. Her cheeks are red. I want to lean over and plant a kiss on one of them. She's still sleeping, though, that would be weird. Maybe she'd like being woken up by a kiss, though. No. She has to be awake for our first kiss. That would be too weird. Way too weird. What was that? There's a light coming from under her door. Did her roommate hear us? Does she know I'm here? Have I met her roommate before? Wait. Yes I have. She was nice. She rolled over! yes! More room! Now I can... wait... no... she's back. I love the way no matter how's she's laying down she manages to press her legs against mine. They're not cold at all. I want to kiss her so badly right now. Can I wake her up and then kiss her? Would that be weird?

... Ok... So you get the point. It was a long night. When she woke up and went to class, I went back to my place and slept all day.

And speaking of sleeping... I think I'm going to try and do that now.

There's no one in bed with me, so it shoudn't be quite that hard to fall asleep... wish me luck!

I'd post this, but my internet appears to be down. Shit. This happens WAY too often.

good night good night

Why is it that i can rarely fall asleep when I want to anymore? I missed the opening drive of the Giants game tonight because I was passed out on the couch... but now that I'm lying in bed ready for sleep I'm writing this. It's not like my nap was all that long. Twenty minutes tops. And I know that wasn't enough to really refresh me. I mean, I was pretty freakin tired... Although, based on my current level of awakitude, it must have been enough.

sigh.

Maybe if I start to use some ancient relaxation techniques I'll be able to just zone out until I'm no longer awake. Do you think that'll work?

I don't.

It rarely does... But here's what I try. I find a nice, comfortable position. Close my eyes. Take a deep breath. let it out slowly. take another. and out. Now I focus my mind on my feet, I tense those muscles for just a second, and then let them relax. then move to my calves. tense and release. quads. tense. release. and slowly work through every muscle... even my fingers...

but like i said... that almost never works... so maybe just the blog. which, I s'pose, is just a tense and release of the brain muscles.

you folks have a good night.

I'm going to listen to some Zooey Deschanel.

mmm....

zooey.

The Crane Wife

And under the boughs unbowed

All clothed in the snowy shroud

She had no heart so hardened

All under the boughs unbowed

Each feather, it fell from skin

'Til thread bare while she grew thin

How were my eyes so blinded?

Each feather, it fell from skin

And I will hang my head

Hang my head low

And I will hang my head

Hang my head low

A gray sky, a bitter sting

A rain cloud, a crane on wing

All out behond horizon

A gray sky, a bitter sting

she cuts like a knife

I always swore I'd never be that guy

that you'd never see me on my knees

but last night you had me begging, baby

you had me begging please please please

I just don't know what came over me

the minute you said that you wanted to leave

I couldn't bring myself to even breathe

...

the last time i felt this way was... umm... well... yesterday.

imagine that.

...

i can hear your voice

calling out my name

it brings me back

i open my eyes

and still feel like i'm in the dream

you run your hand

across my cheek

and what i feel

is definitely

definitely

real

...

I dance a lot when I'm alone

...

I'm looking for my place in this world. trying to figure how i fit into this giant puzzle we call life

...

i dream in black and white, she dreams in pantone

...

if you had to do it all over again, would you?

I wish it were cold outside right now. Like, see your breath cold.
While we're wishing for things, I may as well make it somewhere else... somewhere not tampa. at least, not where I am right now.
I would go for a walk.
that's really what I would do right now.
I'm not tired...
I mean, I am gtired... I'm exhausted... I'm just not sleeping.
I want to thorow on a thick pair of jeans, some nice warm sox, a long sleeved shirt and a nice warm sweatshirt and go for a walk in the biting cold.
I don't want it to be like here... I don't want to walk along a street with way too many cars driving by at 2.30 in the morning.
I also don't want it to be one of those fabled Gainesville walks... I don't want to walk along streets that are usually bustling, but are now empty. Gainesville late at night has that ghost town kind of feel to it. it's very well lit, so sometimes its hard to remember that its the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, I've had some amazing nights walking around that particular ghost town. bringing life to roads and rooms that aren't used to seeing people in the wee hours between dusk and dawn. not sober people, at any rate.
no, that's just not what I'm feeling right now.
If I'm going to take a walk alone in the cold, I want it to be in a place that's meant to be traveled alone. maybe a path cutting through an open field, lit only by the light of the moon and the stars. a cold wind whpping across the empty space. i pull my hat low to cover my ears and i plunge my hands deep into my pockets. I breathe slowly, and every time I exhale I can see the my breath freeze in midair, right befor emy eyes.
There's a forest out to my left. I've been in it many times, but not right now It's just a little too dark to be woandering around in the woods... tonight it's just the path through the fields.

laying here with my eyes closed and a nice mix of phoenix, tegan and sarah, and the yeah yeah yeahs playing on my computer; just laying here thinking of tht walk in the cold has got me feeling more relaxed and more tired than when I started. And really, that was the point.

I'm going o try this whole "sleep" thing all over again one more time....

If i'm not asleep iwthin the next 30 minutes, please, call mr sandman for me and have him send something my way. i'd be much obliged.

something weird is happening....
i just don't know what it is
...
she never saw him coming
and once he was there
there was nothing she could do
...
check once
check twice
be sure
...
there's just something about the taste that i can't get out of my mind
i want it
i need it
i want it
now
please
...
pierce
...
play on, playa
...
kids do the darndest things. today I heard a little boy talking to his dad... the kid said, "Dad, can I tell you a story?" the dad said, "of course." So the kid tells his story, and it went a little somethign like this: "Today, I was walking behind someone."
The end.
That was the story.
The kid looked so proud.
So did the dad.
...
Oh D!
...
If I had to do things all over again, I'd only do them a smidge differently. Just a smidge.
...
If only somebody warned me
...
snakebite

Oh, what a difference a day made...

What a difference a day made

Twenty four little hours

Brought the sun and the flowers

where there use to be rain

My yesterday was blue dear

Today I'm a part of you dear

My lonely nights are through dear

Since you said you were mine

Oh, what a difference a day makes

There's a rainbow before me

Skies above can't be stormy

Since that moment of bliss

That thrilling kiss

It's heaven when you

Find romance on your menu

What a difference a day made

And the difference is you

....

switch you lens and then wait a second.
now shoot.
now from a different angle.
again.
good.

...

listen to the big machine
whatever you do try not to scream
listen to the big machine
and forget about your dream

...

the things we did and the things we said
none of those things
are ever dead

...

stepstepdrop

...

that kiss... that kiss... it all comes back to that kiss... our first kiss... our last kiss...there was a lifetime in that kiss... the cold wind trying to tear us apart, but all it did was force us closer together... every part of you touching every art of me... your lips... so sticky sweet... there was heat between us, during that kiss... enough to keep the whole world warm... there was a lifetime in that kiss... and then it was over... that kiss...

Tonight I am dining on ashes. Feasting on the bittersweet taste of the past and of the future that never will be.

Talking about old friends and old times. Old flames and old fizzles.

Talking about what could have been if only I'd .... or if only she'd.... or if only we'd... but we didn't because we couldn't. Or wouldn't. Looking back its kind of hard to tell which it was. But looking back, it really doesn't matter.

I miss those times. And I miss those friends. And sometimes I think I miss them a little too much. Sometimes it feels like I'm clinging on to those times, trying to recreate them. Trying to re-live them. Trying to stay forever young by association.

Ok. My phone keeps ringing. My Facebook keeps dinging. My eyes keep drooping. Apparently I wasn't meant to blog tonight.

Laila Tov!

Lost and Found

I'm hoping the reason I can't sleep is because I haven't been writing.

Somehow I doubt that's the problem, though.

I think it's because too much of my life is in a state of transition.

Nothing is home.

And frankly, I'm not sure exactly what I want to be home.

A part of me wants to move to California and start over.

Another part of me really doesn't want to start over again. That part likes where I am. That part wants to settle down in this area and really live my life instead of just going through the motions on a daily basis.

I dunno, though....

...

I'm addicted. I can't stop even though I know I should. I don't want to, though.

...

Her words are as soft as her touch, and they both drive me absolutely wild.

...

When are we?

...

For those of you wondering, I did have an amazing time on my birthday. Thank you Gabe, Mike, KT, Maria and Layla for making it a trip I will never forget.

...

We are the Triumverate of Cool.

...

wrap my heart in bands of rosewood

...

I ask myself the same questions over and over and each time i expect a different answer, but each time i only get the truth

...

i close my eyes and feel your hands on my chest, my neck, my face. i kiss your fingertips. I smile and open my eyes, wishing you were here with me

...

I hope I never forget the way it felt to have your lips pressed against mine.

...

I got sidetracked again.

that happens a lot.

...

Is it better to be lost or found?

I'm hoping the answer is Lost, because I haven't been Found in a very, very long time

Ten Million Years

it's such a simple thing.

i never feel this way.

i have nightmares

i have dreams of you gone.

there is something in you i want today.

so hide the bones away beneath the yellow lines.

you're scared of what you lose

or what you might gain this time.

i love you more than i should.

i would wrap my heart in bands of rosewood.

i love you more than i should.

i would stay beside you here ten million years.

you see yourself in the mirror.

you see yourself at night.

you see yourself in the gutter, baby

you see yourself like a star shining bright.

i love you more than i should.

i would stay beside you here ten million years.

every minute every hour

every second you take me over.

every night of every day i wait i take

i know i take but i love you more than i should.

i would stay inside you here ten million years.

...

Tonight someone asked me a few questions... I'm not sure where they came from, but she asked, and I answered. She started with:

Do you believe in Soul Mates.

I said no.

She asked why.

I said that I didn't think that would be fair... that if there was only ONE person in the Entire World that was meant for you, what are the odds you'd ever find them? Would that mean you'd spend the rest of you life alone? Or even if you married someone who wasn't your soulmate, what would that mean? Would that mean you'd be destined spending the rest of your life waiting for someone else? My theory is that any one person can fall in love with any other person if in the right situation.

She said that was kind of sad, unromantic.

I said that it wasn't just that... I mean, there is romance and there Are people out there with whom its easier to fall in love. Some people are just plain more compatible than others. With some people, all it takes to fall in love is a look. With others, it takes more. Either way, though, it's work.

Then she asked if I'd ever fallen so completely in love that I'd lost all reason.

My answer? Duh... I go crazy and lose all reason whenever I fall in LIKE with someone, let alone love...

She said, You know what I mean...

And I said, yes, yes I know exactly what you mean. And I used recent examples to help prove my point.

She then asked if I'd ever been so crazy in love that I thought I couldn't live without the person.

I hesited before I answered.

I thought about it.

Hard.

I didn't want to lie or to tell a half truth.

When I answered,

The answer was Yes.

...

i would wrap my heart in bands of rosewood.
i love you more than i should.
i would stay beside you here ten million years.

...

Ok... I'm going to go grab some Zzz'z.... I'll give you a little recap of my vacation another time. Good night, dear reader. Good night.