Honey Bunny: Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya!
Motive: I need a little extra cash for the move across country. Not a lot... but a little.
The Research: Did some light reading on The Geezer Bandit currently making his rounds across SoCal. That lead me to look into capture rates and average hauls as well as specific training bank employees have around robberies. I also read lots of stories about people getting caught--I mean, the best way to learn how to succeed is by learning how to fail, right? And since, in this case, failing leads to jail, I can't really afford to fail my self, so I'll have to learn by reading how others have failed before me. I also read several success stories. Most of those successes shared one commonality: They were one-time events, not attempts at a crime spree, in which the robber moved quickly and quietly and then disappeared.
The Plan:
1. Purchase a microwave and several car batteries in the backseat of my car (to be used later).
2. Tape up my rear window as well as a passenger window. Also cover the roof of my car. This will allow me to change the appearance of my vehicle quickly as well as cover identifiable marks (gator head in my rear window)
3. Dress appropriately. Hoodie, wig, fake facial hair, fake other-identifiable-mark-like-a-tatoo.
4. Rob bank. Calmly approach teller, hand them a note politely requesting $20,000. Whisper "Give me the money or I. Will. Murder. You." The key is to do it calmly and quietly while aslo emphasizing those last four words. Saying, "give me all the money or I'll kill you" is too trite--too hollywood. Saying "I will murder you" is much more intense and violent. Think about it. Once the money is in the bag, just calmly walk out the door.
5. This is where the microwave comes into play. There are banks out there that put tracking devices as well as dye in with the money. By throwing the bag into the microwave for a few minutes all electronic devices should fry, thus eliminating the tracking devices. I have no clue if this would disable the dye, but if it did, bonus! if not... well, i was getting screwed there anyways, right?
6. Leave the scene. Drive away calmly and pull into the nearest parking garage/apartment complex/generic location as possible to remove the window coverings from the car. Also take the money out of the microwave and search it for trackers/dye/etc. Ditch those devices if necessary.
7. Don't rob another bank. End my life of crime. The best way to not get caught robbing a bank is simply to Not Rob A Bank. The second best way not to get caught is to Not Rob Another Bank. I'm not doing this to become a career criminal after all... this is just a one time thing to supliment my income for my move. I figure I'll do it in a state where I have no ties. Louisiana or something. Somewhere I won't go back to anytime in the forseeable future. Certainly not somewhere I live or plan on living.
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Disclaimer: I have never nor do I plan on ever robbing a bank. This has been a complete work of fiction. If you are reading this and thinking, "hmmm... I wonder if this guy is the bank robber we're looking for..." I urge you to read the rest of my blog for two reasons. 1: you might enjoy it. 2: you would realize that I am smart enough not to post a plan of a bank robbery I was about to commit on the internet and then to Facebook. Unless this extreme disclosure of my plans is just a clever ploy to throw you off my trail! After all, who in their right minds would post their bank robbery plans on Facebook! no one! this COULDN'T possibly be the guy!!
