I came across something, today, that made me think of something else. A long, Long time ago, I blogged the lyrics as well as the video to this song...
Twice I turn my back on you
I fell flat on my face but didn’t lose
Tell me where would I go
Tell me what led you on, I’d love to know
Was it the blue night
Gone fragile
Was it both men
In wonder steady gone under
Was it the light ways
So frightening
Was it two wills
One mirror holding us dearer now
Thought I had an answer once
But your random ways swept me along
Colossal signs so I got lost
With so many lovers singing soft
Was it the blue night
Gone fragile
Was it both men
In wonder steady gone under
Was it the light ways
So frightening
Was it two wills
One mirror holding us dearer now
... when I think of the song, I think of the video... and sometimes I feel like the skeleton but more often than not, I am the bird. Right now, I'm the bird.
....
I'm still lost about what I want to do right now. I'm afraid that whatever choice I make will be the wrong one. Part of me, though, knows that no matter what choice I make, it will be the right one.
The smart thing to do would be to stay.
I know I'm not going to get either of the jobs I applied for...
I just don't know.
Right now I am definitely leaning towards staying here if I don't get one of those positions... but... I really want to move out there. I'm growing restless here.
I've grown in to the person I'm going to be here, but I know I can be more.
....
I want to
I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon this surface for the birds
the birds,
the birds.
You want me?
Well, come and find me.
I'll be waiting
With a gun and a pack of sandwiches,
And nothing... nothing... nothing....
You want me?
Well, come and break the door down.
You want me?
Come and break the door down.
I'm ready... I'm ready... I'm ready...
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I cannot stay all sleepless like you could.... because I cannot play a lullabye like it should...
....
I haven't blogged much lately.
Nope.
Sure haven't.
Unmotivited.
Tired.
Working a lot.
Need a break.
A break from a lot of things.
There's something I don't want a break from, though... but...
It is what it is.
Isn't it?
It sure appears to be.
But things aren't always what they appear...
This is, though.
So....
Yeah.
....
I'm at war with head versus heart, its always this way.... My head is weak, my heart always speaks before I know what it will say
....
i'm only happy when it rains... i'm only happy when it's complicated... i know you can appreciate it... i'm only happy when it rains... i love it when the music's bad... maybe that's why i feel so sad... pour your misery down... pour your misery down on me...
...
Something is going to happen... I just don't know what.
I don't know what I want right now, either.... that's what makes it really hard. I mean, there are a lot of things that I want... but how many of those things are really good for me? Is a cheeseburger at 1am really the answer? i don't think so....
Speaking of cheeseburgers... my weight has been doing funny things lately. Not sure what the deal is, but I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. then gained back 10. then lost 5. then gained the 5 back.
anyways... i'm tired. so very tired. cannot wait until friday... my day off.... not sure what I'm doing yet, but I think a trip to Bradenton for a 5 scoop reeces pieces sunday might be in order. not sure if I want to make that drive alone, though, just for some ice cream .. ..... ...... we'll see what happens, I guess.
....
I haven't blogged much lately.
Nope.
Sure haven't.
Unmotivited.
Tired.
Working a lot.
Need a break.
A break from a lot of things.
There's something I don't want a break from, though... but...
It is what it is.
Isn't it?
It sure appears to be.
But things aren't always what they appear...
This is, though.
So....
Yeah.
....
I'm at war with head versus heart, its always this way.... My head is weak, my heart always speaks before I know what it will say
....
i'm only happy when it rains... i'm only happy when it's complicated... i know you can appreciate it... i'm only happy when it rains... i love it when the music's bad... maybe that's why i feel so sad... pour your misery down... pour your misery down on me...
...
Something is going to happen... I just don't know what.
I don't know what I want right now, either.... that's what makes it really hard. I mean, there are a lot of things that I want... but how many of those things are really good for me? Is a cheeseburger at 1am really the answer? i don't think so....
Speaking of cheeseburgers... my weight has been doing funny things lately. Not sure what the deal is, but I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. then gained back 10. then lost 5. then gained the 5 back.
anyways... i'm tired. so very tired. cannot wait until friday... my day off.... not sure what I'm doing yet, but I think a trip to Bradenton for a 5 scoop reeces pieces sunday might be in order. not sure if I want to make that drive alone, though, just for some ice cream .. ..... ...... we'll see what happens, I guess.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Knowing.... or not
I cannot seem to fall asleep at night anymore.
I can't.
Its like I just can't turn off my brain anymore. It used to be so easy, too. I mean, normally I am the least stressed person I know. In fact, I usually have this ability to suck the stress out of my friends and let it just dissipate into oblivion leaving them calm, cool and collected.
Right now, though, I just can't seem to fall asleep. There is just too much going on for me to just be able to relax and let it all go. There is just too much uncertainty--too much that I don't know--and it's killing me.
In four days the company I work for is announcing a major restructuring. Of my six peers, two of us will still have jobs similar to the ones we are currently in. The other four will be offered a lower position or a severance package. I have never wanted to finish third so badly in my entire life.
That's right, I want to be laid off.
I want that severance.
If I get it, then I am selling all of my furniture, packing up my car and driving from Florida to California to move in with a friend out there and start fresh. That severance package will double the amount I have saved for the move and make being unemployed bearable... at least for a few months. That severance package will give me enough cushion to find a job that I want while still living the lifestyle I am used to.
If I get offered one of the new positions, though... if I get told that I'm the best person they've got and they just cannot stand to lose me... if I'm told, in four days, that I still have a job, I'm screwed. I mean, I could still move out to California, but with half as much money. Yes, California, land of twelve percent unemployment. California, land of a 46% cost of living increase. Land of beautiful beaches, beautiful mountains and beautiful people. Where I have friends and family.
I keep going back and forth. If I get offered a severance package, I'm gone like Tron. If I don't, though... can I still afford to move out there?
I just don't know right now.
So that leaves me in a bit of a pickle right now. My entire life--my entire future--hangs in the balance. As the all mighty Clash once put it... Should I stay or should I go?
I can't.
Its like I just can't turn off my brain anymore. It used to be so easy, too. I mean, normally I am the least stressed person I know. In fact, I usually have this ability to suck the stress out of my friends and let it just dissipate into oblivion leaving them calm, cool and collected.
Right now, though, I just can't seem to fall asleep. There is just too much going on for me to just be able to relax and let it all go. There is just too much uncertainty--too much that I don't know--and it's killing me.
In four days the company I work for is announcing a major restructuring. Of my six peers, two of us will still have jobs similar to the ones we are currently in. The other four will be offered a lower position or a severance package. I have never wanted to finish third so badly in my entire life.
That's right, I want to be laid off.
I want that severance.
If I get it, then I am selling all of my furniture, packing up my car and driving from Florida to California to move in with a friend out there and start fresh. That severance package will double the amount I have saved for the move and make being unemployed bearable... at least for a few months. That severance package will give me enough cushion to find a job that I want while still living the lifestyle I am used to.
If I get offered one of the new positions, though... if I get told that I'm the best person they've got and they just cannot stand to lose me... if I'm told, in four days, that I still have a job, I'm screwed. I mean, I could still move out to California, but with half as much money. Yes, California, land of twelve percent unemployment. California, land of a 46% cost of living increase. Land of beautiful beaches, beautiful mountains and beautiful people. Where I have friends and family.
I keep going back and forth. If I get offered a severance package, I'm gone like Tron. If I don't, though... can I still afford to move out there?
I just don't know right now.
So that leaves me in a bit of a pickle right now. My entire life--my entire future--hangs in the balance. As the all mighty Clash once put it... Should I stay or should I go?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Garbage - The Trick is to Keep Breathing ... And much, much more!
She's not hte kind of girl
Who likes to tell the world
About the way she feels about herself
She takes a little time
In making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight against the tide
Lately
I'm
Not the only one
I say
Never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
maybe you'll get what you want this time around
Can't bear to face the truth
So sick he cannot move
And when it hurts he takes it out on you
Lately
I'm not the only one
I say
Never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
She knows the human heart
And how to read the stars
Now everythings about to fall apart
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around?
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want htis time around?
The trick is to keep breathing...
.... ... ... ....
I had lots of dreams last night. Very restless. Very.
Had a dream I was back in LA.... or that could have been a memory.
And then I wasn't.
Had a dream I sold all the funiture in my apt in preparation for my move. I was sitting on my living room floor reading a book, texting someone.
Had a dream I was in Times Square eating lunch. Watching people go by, waiting for someone who never came.
Had a dream I was driving down a tree-lined road somewhere up north. The sun was barely peaking through, casting shadows across the road. I was racing someone, but couldn't see who, couldn't tell if they were ahead or behind. The road curved back and forth, up the side of a mountain. So fucused on accellerating and braking, trying not to lose control, but coming so close at every turn.
And then I wasn't.
I was sitting on the beach. The Santa Monica Pier was to my right. I had my camera and was taking pictures of a couple people surfing. It was warm, but not hot. I could feel the afternoon sun on my chest and shoulders. I was living through my lens, not thinking about the rest of the world. Only seeing, capturing, saving.
Had a dream I was on a stage, holding a microphone. There was a band behind me. I knew the music but not the words. I looked out into the crowd and could only see one face. It was yours.
And then I was awake. No more dreams until tonight.... well... except for the one I'm living in.
Who likes to tell the world
About the way she feels about herself
She takes a little time
In making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight against the tide
Lately
I'm
Not the only one
I say
Never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
maybe you'll get what you want this time around
Can't bear to face the truth
So sick he cannot move
And when it hurts he takes it out on you
Lately
I'm not the only one
I say
Never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
She knows the human heart
And how to read the stars
Now everythings about to fall apart
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around?
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want htis time around?
The trick is to keep breathing...
.... ... ... ....
I had lots of dreams last night. Very restless. Very.
Had a dream I was back in LA.... or that could have been a memory.
And then I wasn't.
Had a dream I sold all the funiture in my apt in preparation for my move. I was sitting on my living room floor reading a book, texting someone.
Had a dream I was in Times Square eating lunch. Watching people go by, waiting for someone who never came.
Had a dream I was driving down a tree-lined road somewhere up north. The sun was barely peaking through, casting shadows across the road. I was racing someone, but couldn't see who, couldn't tell if they were ahead or behind. The road curved back and forth, up the side of a mountain. So fucused on accellerating and braking, trying not to lose control, but coming so close at every turn.
And then I wasn't.
I was sitting on the beach. The Santa Monica Pier was to my right. I had my camera and was taking pictures of a couple people surfing. It was warm, but not hot. I could feel the afternoon sun on my chest and shoulders. I was living through my lens, not thinking about the rest of the world. Only seeing, capturing, saving.
Had a dream I was on a stage, holding a microphone. There was a band behind me. I knew the music but not the words. I looked out into the crowd and could only see one face. It was yours.
And then I was awake. No more dreams until tonight.... well... except for the one I'm living in.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sometimes I wonder what the members of Pink Floyd were on when they wrote thier songs....
Bike -
I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like.
It's got a basket, a bell that rings
And things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could, but I borrowed it.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I've got a cloak it's a bit of a joke.
There's a tear up the front. It's red and black.
I've had it for months.
If you think it could look good, then I guess it should.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I know a mouse, and he hasn't got a house.
I don't know why I call him Gerald.
He's getting rather old, but he's a good mouse.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I've got a clan of gingerbread men.
Here a man, there a man, lots of gingerbread men.
Take a couple if you wish. They're on the dish.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I know a room full of musical tunes.
Some rhyme, some ching, most of them are clockwork.
Let's go into the other room and make them work.
...
Sometimes I wonder what the members of Pink Floyd were on when they wrote thier songs. And sometimes I wonder if I should try some.
I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like.
It's got a basket, a bell that rings
And things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could, but I borrowed it.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I've got a cloak it's a bit of a joke.
There's a tear up the front. It's red and black.
I've had it for months.
If you think it could look good, then I guess it should.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I know a mouse, and he hasn't got a house.
I don't know why I call him Gerald.
He's getting rather old, but he's a good mouse.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I've got a clan of gingerbread men.
Here a man, there a man, lots of gingerbread men.
Take a couple if you wish. They're on the dish.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things.
I know a room full of musical tunes.
Some rhyme, some ching, most of them are clockwork.
Let's go into the other room and make them work.
...
Sometimes I wonder what the members of Pink Floyd were on when they wrote thier songs. And sometimes I wonder if I should try some.
there are so many things that I wish I could just say to you.... but i can't... so I guess that leave sme here saying it for all the world to see.
Even though I know only, like, 3 people read this... thanks V, Leann and... well, whoever that third person might be....
I've actually written a LOT over the last few days... so mahy words.. so many feelings... decisions... so much random crap that was just deleted and lost to the deep dark depths of cyberspace.... Now that I'm here and typing again (and quite a bit less sober than I've been in a while) I feel like I should sayy something of some sort of substance ( even though my eyes are closed and I myself am not even bothering to read this madness)
here's the thing, though... all the stuff I want to say, I can't... not because I dont' want to, though... but because I'm about to fall asleep. At this point I'm tired tnough that I'm just ready for sleep to come take me.... and i'm ready for that...
maybe... but... maybe... but... but... maybe.....
the world hangs in maybe.
Even though I know only, like, 3 people read this... thanks V, Leann and... well, whoever that third person might be....
I've actually written a LOT over the last few days... so mahy words.. so many feelings... decisions... so much random crap that was just deleted and lost to the deep dark depths of cyberspace.... Now that I'm here and typing again (and quite a bit less sober than I've been in a while) I feel like I should sayy something of some sort of substance ( even though my eyes are closed and I myself am not even bothering to read this madness)
here's the thing, though... all the stuff I want to say, I can't... not because I dont' want to, though... but because I'm about to fall asleep. At this point I'm tired tnough that I'm just ready for sleep to come take me.... and i'm ready for that...
maybe... but... maybe... but... but... maybe.....
the world hangs in maybe.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
walking in to that room was the hardest thing I've ever done. I closed my eyes and just let one foot fall in front of the other, carrying me in. I remember being ovewhelmed by the smell. that smell that is somehow both sterile and reaking of the dead and dying that you can only find in hospitals.
...
walking out of that room was the hardest thing I've ever done. I clsed my eyes and breathed in her sweet smell one last time. one foot in front of the other, slowly and deliberately. no regrets.
...
I really don't feel like going to work today. I just feel like crawling into a little ball and pulling my covers over my head and waiting.
Not sure exactly what I'd be waiting for, but I'd know it when it came.
...
Sometimes I wish I believed in God. I wish that I could look deep down inside myself and find something greater than me. I wish there was this higher power that I could ask to make everything right in the world.
...
I really don't feel like going to work. But I need to. I need to get dressed and get moving and get my day started so that it can end. I haven't even gone in yet, and I'm already counting down the minutes to leave.
My vacation was amazing, but then I came back. And now... well.... now is now and I want it to either go back to being then or just get on with being later.
I want to escape.
To disappear.
I wonder if I could sell everything I own and just disappear to another country and just wander around doing odd jobs to survive. I wonder if I could even do that in this country. That would be ok too.
I wonder how long it would take me to hike from coast to coast.
I wonder how much it would cost.
I wonder if I would be a better person after doing it.
I wonder if I would just be the same.
I wonder all sorts of things... about myself, about her, about my friends and my family, about my future and my past. I wonder about who we are and how where we've been shapes where we're going.....
oh, and speaking of going.... I'm going to get ready for work.
sorry for this random ramble, I just.... I dont' know. If I can't espace for real, I may as well escape here for a few.
...
walking out of that room was the hardest thing I've ever done. I clsed my eyes and breathed in her sweet smell one last time. one foot in front of the other, slowly and deliberately. no regrets.
...
I really don't feel like going to work today. I just feel like crawling into a little ball and pulling my covers over my head and waiting.
Not sure exactly what I'd be waiting for, but I'd know it when it came.
...
Sometimes I wish I believed in God. I wish that I could look deep down inside myself and find something greater than me. I wish there was this higher power that I could ask to make everything right in the world.
...
I really don't feel like going to work. But I need to. I need to get dressed and get moving and get my day started so that it can end. I haven't even gone in yet, and I'm already counting down the minutes to leave.
My vacation was amazing, but then I came back. And now... well.... now is now and I want it to either go back to being then or just get on with being later.
I want to escape.
To disappear.
I wonder if I could sell everything I own and just disappear to another country and just wander around doing odd jobs to survive. I wonder if I could even do that in this country. That would be ok too.
I wonder how long it would take me to hike from coast to coast.
I wonder how much it would cost.
I wonder if I would be a better person after doing it.
I wonder if I would just be the same.
I wonder all sorts of things... about myself, about her, about my friends and my family, about my future and my past. I wonder about who we are and how where we've been shapes where we're going.....
oh, and speaking of going.... I'm going to get ready for work.
sorry for this random ramble, I just.... I dont' know. If I can't espace for real, I may as well escape here for a few.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
anger and pain
lost and lonely
pieces of me
fall away
one cruel word at a time
I turn my back
shelter from the wind
from the rain
from the world
it all comes down
reach out to me
bring me back
show me the way
bring me back
and make me whole again
lost and lonely
anger and pain
the world picks me apart
one piece at a time
there's nothing left
but rotten bones
piled on the floor
with all the rest
waiting
anger and pain
lost and lonely
the wind picks me up
and there's nothing left
lost and lonely
pieces of me
fall away
one cruel word at a time
I turn my back
shelter from the wind
from the rain
from the world
it all comes down
reach out to me
bring me back
show me the way
bring me back
and make me whole again
lost and lonely
anger and pain
the world picks me apart
one piece at a time
there's nothing left
but rotten bones
piled on the floor
with all the rest
waiting
anger and pain
lost and lonely
the wind picks me up
and there's nothing left
that didn't take long...
I'm already blogging... already.
It's just what I do when I'm thinking. It's a way for me to help me get my thoughts and feelings organized, even if I don't really know what they are.
Like right now.
What am I thinking?
I don't know.
A Lot.
What am I feeling?
I don't know.
More than I want to.
My heavy bag is back up. My hands are wrapped. My shoulders burn. My back is screaming. My shorts are soaked in sweat. My knuckles are begining to bleed.
And my feet are cold. I can't figure that one out... it just doesn't seem to go along with all the rest, but it's there.
Those are all things that can be controled, though, so it makes it better.
It makes it easier.
There is so much of the world that is completely out of our control. Whether a penny lands on heads or on tails. Who lives and who dies. Who falls in love with who. There are no hard and fast rules that govern these things and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to control them.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't care or that life doesn't hurt sometimes. I'm just saying that, sometimes, there are just some things you cannot control and you just shouldn't let those things control you.
It's okay to be angry. It's ok to be sad. To be hurt. These things are all natural and good in their own way. They let you appreciate the everything else that the world and that life have to offer.
And they let you appreciate all the things that you Can control.
... Speaking of which... I'm going to hurl myself back at the punching bag... A Perfect Circle is turned up to drown out the world. The blinds are shut. It's dark. My heart is pounding and hurting and wants to hurt something back. I'm sorry, punching bag. I choose you.
I didn't want to know
I just didn't want to know
Best to keep things in the shallow end
Cause I never quite learned how to swim
I just didn't want to know
Didn't want
Didn't want
Didn't want
Didn't want
Close my eyes just to look at you
Taken by the seamless vision
I close my eyes
Ignore the smoke
Ignore the smoke
Ignore the smoke
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call it aftermath, she's turning blue
While I just sit and stare at you
Because I don't want to know
I didn't want to know
I just didn't want to know
I just didn't want
Mistook their nods for an approval
Just ignore the smoke and smile
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a perfect color for your eyes
Call an optimist , she's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
While I just sit and stare at you
I don't want to know
It's just what I do when I'm thinking. It's a way for me to help me get my thoughts and feelings organized, even if I don't really know what they are.
Like right now.
What am I thinking?
I don't know.
A Lot.
What am I feeling?
I don't know.
More than I want to.
My heavy bag is back up. My hands are wrapped. My shoulders burn. My back is screaming. My shorts are soaked in sweat. My knuckles are begining to bleed.
And my feet are cold. I can't figure that one out... it just doesn't seem to go along with all the rest, but it's there.
Those are all things that can be controled, though, so it makes it better.
It makes it easier.
There is so much of the world that is completely out of our control. Whether a penny lands on heads or on tails. Who lives and who dies. Who falls in love with who. There are no hard and fast rules that govern these things and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to control them.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't care or that life doesn't hurt sometimes. I'm just saying that, sometimes, there are just some things you cannot control and you just shouldn't let those things control you.
It's okay to be angry. It's ok to be sad. To be hurt. These things are all natural and good in their own way. They let you appreciate the everything else that the world and that life have to offer.
And they let you appreciate all the things that you Can control.
... Speaking of which... I'm going to hurl myself back at the punching bag... A Perfect Circle is turned up to drown out the world. The blinds are shut. It's dark. My heart is pounding and hurting and wants to hurt something back. I'm sorry, punching bag. I choose you.
I didn't want to know
I just didn't want to know
Best to keep things in the shallow end
Cause I never quite learned how to swim
I just didn't want to know
Didn't want
Didn't want
Didn't want
Didn't want
Close my eyes just to look at you
Taken by the seamless vision
I close my eyes
Ignore the smoke
Ignore the smoke
Ignore the smoke
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call it aftermath, she's turning blue
While I just sit and stare at you
Because I don't want to know
I didn't want to know
I just didn't want to know
I just didn't want
Mistook their nods for an approval
Just ignore the smoke and smile
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a perfect color for your eyes
Call an optimist , she's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
While I just sit and stare at you
I don't want to know
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sometimes words just aren't enough
I'm still on vacation. I'm blogging from Mike's place in San Diego. It's kind of hard to decide which stories to tell and how, exactly, to tell them in a way that will truly give them justice.
I mean, let's start with Day 1. I woke up at 7.30 or so last Tuesday for absolutely no apparent reason. I felt the same way that morning as I did when I was 5 years old visiting Florida for the first time and was on my way to Disney World. I packed my bags, checked them a dozen times, watched some TV to distract myself and just drove myself to the airport early. The flight was really not very exciting... which I am totally ok with. Upon arriving in San Diego, Mike and I grabbed some mexican food and some mexican brews and followed that up with some Tilted Kilt. It was his first time there, so we decided to do it right. How did we do that, you ask? Well, by walking our waitress to her car and getting a ride home from her. Yeah, we really are that good.
Day 2 was a mixed bag. I really didn't do anything during the day. Mike was at work and I did a little bit of shopping for some clothes to wear for the rest of the week, then went back to mike's place and watched baseball highlights all day. Wednesday night, though, was a different story. We went to a Pesach Sedar at Mike's coworker's daughter's place. It was a great time. Met some cool people and some good old fashioned jewfun. We followed that up by meeting up with Sean at The Local. Who's Sean, you ask? Just your friendly nieghborhood bartender. He kept our glasses full and was quite friendly. Good times.
Day 3 was nice and chill... Did some apartment hunting with KT, then met up with Mike for some Gator Club happy hour. Well, that consisted of me, mike, kt... and 2 other guys. after that, we met up with some more of mike's friends at another bar in Pacific Beach (PB for those in the know.) They were playing some weird mixes, but a lot of it worked pretty ok. Found out there were Jager Girls. Kind of like Miller Light Girls, only with Jager. Yum. From there we met up with Risa at another bar. So tired... KT fell asleep while leaning up against me near the bar. Yeah, we lamed out and went back to Risa's place to crash. KT in the guest room, mike on one couch, me on another, Risa outside hanging out on her back porcth. My phone buzzes. Risa friend requested me. I accept almost immediately. My phone buzzes again. Risa sent me a message saying, "If you're up, get out here and hang out!" I'm tired, but really, why not? I head out there and hang out with her and 2 guys she randomly met at the bar that night. They were from NorCal originially and both moved to SoCal not too long ago. They were pretty cool. At one point, it was just me and one of the guys hanging out under the stars talking about life in Cali. Somehow the conversation got to politics, the economy and religion. He actually got in my face when I told him that I was agnostic. It was 4am so I figured that would be a good time to crash.
Days 4,5 and 6 were spent in LA. They went by like a dream. Surreal and wonderful and and and and and and and.... yeah.
yeah.
Back in SD now.
One more night.
Then home.
Home.
Argh.
argharghargh.
sigh.
There's more, but I'm hungry. I think it's time for lunch.
Tonight = wings.
I mean, let's start with Day 1. I woke up at 7.30 or so last Tuesday for absolutely no apparent reason. I felt the same way that morning as I did when I was 5 years old visiting Florida for the first time and was on my way to Disney World. I packed my bags, checked them a dozen times, watched some TV to distract myself and just drove myself to the airport early. The flight was really not very exciting... which I am totally ok with. Upon arriving in San Diego, Mike and I grabbed some mexican food and some mexican brews and followed that up with some Tilted Kilt. It was his first time there, so we decided to do it right. How did we do that, you ask? Well, by walking our waitress to her car and getting a ride home from her. Yeah, we really are that good.
Day 2 was a mixed bag. I really didn't do anything during the day. Mike was at work and I did a little bit of shopping for some clothes to wear for the rest of the week, then went back to mike's place and watched baseball highlights all day. Wednesday night, though, was a different story. We went to a Pesach Sedar at Mike's coworker's daughter's place. It was a great time. Met some cool people and some good old fashioned jewfun. We followed that up by meeting up with Sean at The Local. Who's Sean, you ask? Just your friendly nieghborhood bartender. He kept our glasses full and was quite friendly. Good times.
Day 3 was nice and chill... Did some apartment hunting with KT, then met up with Mike for some Gator Club happy hour. Well, that consisted of me, mike, kt... and 2 other guys. after that, we met up with some more of mike's friends at another bar in Pacific Beach (PB for those in the know.) They were playing some weird mixes, but a lot of it worked pretty ok. Found out there were Jager Girls. Kind of like Miller Light Girls, only with Jager. Yum. From there we met up with Risa at another bar. So tired... KT fell asleep while leaning up against me near the bar. Yeah, we lamed out and went back to Risa's place to crash. KT in the guest room, mike on one couch, me on another, Risa outside hanging out on her back porcth. My phone buzzes. Risa friend requested me. I accept almost immediately. My phone buzzes again. Risa sent me a message saying, "If you're up, get out here and hang out!" I'm tired, but really, why not? I head out there and hang out with her and 2 guys she randomly met at the bar that night. They were from NorCal originially and both moved to SoCal not too long ago. They were pretty cool. At one point, it was just me and one of the guys hanging out under the stars talking about life in Cali. Somehow the conversation got to politics, the economy and religion. He actually got in my face when I told him that I was agnostic. It was 4am so I figured that would be a good time to crash.
Days 4,5 and 6 were spent in LA. They went by like a dream. Surreal and wonderful and and and and and and and.... yeah.
yeah.
Back in SD now.
One more night.
Then home.
Home.
Argh.
argharghargh.
sigh.
There's more, but I'm hungry. I think it's time for lunch.
Tonight = wings.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
pops
I had a pretty good night tonight. I talked with Batgirl about plans for the weekend and I talked with Bordo about plans for the week+end and I went out to dinner with some friends and I watched a movie with those same friends and when I was driving home, I started thinking.
Dangerous, right?
Isn't it illegal to think and drive?
Wait... no.. that's drink and drive.... oh well. w/e.
I'm not sure where this thought came from, but all of a sudden there it was.
I wondered what my dad would think about my life. What he would think of where I am, the decisions that I've made and the future that lies ahead of me.
it's not like I was one of those kids always seeking my dad's approval or anything. In fact, his love was unconditional. It seemed like, growing up, there was little i could ever do wrong in his eyes. Well... besides misbehaving. What I mean is that whenever there was a decision to be made regarding my life or my future, he let me make it. No matter what my decision was, he backed me in it. He would give me advice when I asked for it, and even when I went against it (which wasn't very often) he supported me.
Over these last few years I have made a LOT of decisions. Some of them pretty big. Life changing. And I know some of them weren't the best decisions. I won't call them mistakes, because they led me to where I am today.... but they certainly weren't the smartest. The easiest example to pick is that I should never have moved to Tampa on a whim, without a job. That was not smart.
I still think it was the right thing, though.
As for this next move... If you were to look at my life, where I am right now, I'm happy. I really am. I like my job and I'm in position to excell in it. I love my friends here. At almost any given time I can make a phone call and have someone to meet me out for dinner or drinks or a movie or whatever, really. My life here is good and every day it looks a little better.
But I'm leaving.
Again.
Is this a decision that my dad would approve of?
I think it is.
I really do.
I never got the chance to become friends with my dad as an adult. I mean, we were friends. We were great friends. But I was so young when he passed away, I wasn't nearly as mature as I am now, and I never got to know him as I know my friends now. What I do know, though, is that he lived via his heart. His work wasn't his passion, it was just a means to an end. A Paycheck. His passion was his family. His parents, his sister, his neices and nephews, his cousins and his children. He loved my sister and I so much, he treasured us when we moved down to Florida to live with him. He didn't always make the right decisions, but he did what he thought was best for us. He did what he thought was best for our family, sacrificing more than my sister and I ever knew.
So, yeah, I do think he would support my decision to pack up and move out west. He would call it my Manifest Destiny. He would tell me that I needed to do whatever it is that I thought would make me happy. He would hate to see me go, but he would love to watch me grow, whether through success or through failure. As long as I followed my heart, he would understand.
Dangerous, right?
Isn't it illegal to think and drive?
Wait... no.. that's drink and drive.... oh well. w/e.
I'm not sure where this thought came from, but all of a sudden there it was.
I wondered what my dad would think about my life. What he would think of where I am, the decisions that I've made and the future that lies ahead of me.
it's not like I was one of those kids always seeking my dad's approval or anything. In fact, his love was unconditional. It seemed like, growing up, there was little i could ever do wrong in his eyes. Well... besides misbehaving. What I mean is that whenever there was a decision to be made regarding my life or my future, he let me make it. No matter what my decision was, he backed me in it. He would give me advice when I asked for it, and even when I went against it (which wasn't very often) he supported me.
Over these last few years I have made a LOT of decisions. Some of them pretty big. Life changing. And I know some of them weren't the best decisions. I won't call them mistakes, because they led me to where I am today.... but they certainly weren't the smartest. The easiest example to pick is that I should never have moved to Tampa on a whim, without a job. That was not smart.
I still think it was the right thing, though.
As for this next move... If you were to look at my life, where I am right now, I'm happy. I really am. I like my job and I'm in position to excell in it. I love my friends here. At almost any given time I can make a phone call and have someone to meet me out for dinner or drinks or a movie or whatever, really. My life here is good and every day it looks a little better.
But I'm leaving.
Again.
Is this a decision that my dad would approve of?
I think it is.
I really do.
I never got the chance to become friends with my dad as an adult. I mean, we were friends. We were great friends. But I was so young when he passed away, I wasn't nearly as mature as I am now, and I never got to know him as I know my friends now. What I do know, though, is that he lived via his heart. His work wasn't his passion, it was just a means to an end. A Paycheck. His passion was his family. His parents, his sister, his neices and nephews, his cousins and his children. He loved my sister and I so much, he treasured us when we moved down to Florida to live with him. He didn't always make the right decisions, but he did what he thought was best for us. He did what he thought was best for our family, sacrificing more than my sister and I ever knew.
So, yeah, I do think he would support my decision to pack up and move out west. He would call it my Manifest Destiny. He would tell me that I needed to do whatever it is that I thought would make me happy. He would hate to see me go, but he would love to watch me grow, whether through success or through failure. As long as I followed my heart, he would understand.
Friday, April 3, 2009
swimming with the fishes
Last night I had the strangest of dreams. I realize this is absolutely nothing new for me, but I figured I would share anyways. I mean, it's not all that often that I remember my dreams, so when I do, it must be significant, right?
Ok. You're right.
Probably not.
But still.
Last night I had a dream. And in that dream we were here and we were there. I was me and you were you, but we were different and we were the same.
I know that's a confusing way to start, but the dream just had that kind of feel.
The feel of surreal.
So, the two of us that were here.... well... we were pretty much the same. We were together, but we weren't. We led two complete seperate lives. Never seeing each other, but always feeling close. we drove to our seperate jobs in our seperate cars. afterwards, we went out to dinner with our seperate friends and finally went home to our seperate apartments, slept in our seperate beds and woke up in them to do it all again. Every single minute, though, of every single day, I could feel you with me. I would pause at work and find myself smiling, thinking of you, and you would do the same.
And the two of us that were there... well.. we were pretty much the same. We were together, but we weren't. We woke up every morning just the way we'd fallen asleep... right next to each other. We would go together to work and send each other messages while we were there. We would meet for lunch every single day and, at the end of the day, we would go home together where we fall asleep in our bed together just to wake up to do it all again.
Both of these days, both of these lives, happened at the same time. A snippet of one, then a snippet of the other.
And I woke up in the middle of the night feeling.... I don't know exactly what I was feeling. Maybe it was nothing in particular, maybe it was just Feeling.
And I woke up with both dreams, both lives, still fresh in my mind, and it made me think.
Watching them both together like that made me feel like neither one is perfect.
Nothing is perfect.
And that's ok.
...
on a side note... i do have a crush.
...
another side note... you have the ability to be anything you want to be.
...
one more side note.... life can be an adventure if you want it to be. every single day can bring you closer to a different dream i fyou let it. open your mind, open your eyes, open your heart and let the world in.
Ok. You're right.
Probably not.
But still.
Last night I had a dream. And in that dream we were here and we were there. I was me and you were you, but we were different and we were the same.
I know that's a confusing way to start, but the dream just had that kind of feel.
The feel of surreal.
So, the two of us that were here.... well... we were pretty much the same. We were together, but we weren't. We led two complete seperate lives. Never seeing each other, but always feeling close. we drove to our seperate jobs in our seperate cars. afterwards, we went out to dinner with our seperate friends and finally went home to our seperate apartments, slept in our seperate beds and woke up in them to do it all again. Every single minute, though, of every single day, I could feel you with me. I would pause at work and find myself smiling, thinking of you, and you would do the same.
And the two of us that were there... well.. we were pretty much the same. We were together, but we weren't. We woke up every morning just the way we'd fallen asleep... right next to each other. We would go together to work and send each other messages while we were there. We would meet for lunch every single day and, at the end of the day, we would go home together where we fall asleep in our bed together just to wake up to do it all again.
Both of these days, both of these lives, happened at the same time. A snippet of one, then a snippet of the other.
And I woke up in the middle of the night feeling.... I don't know exactly what I was feeling. Maybe it was nothing in particular, maybe it was just Feeling.
And I woke up with both dreams, both lives, still fresh in my mind, and it made me think.
Watching them both together like that made me feel like neither one is perfect.
Nothing is perfect.
And that's ok.
...
on a side note... i do have a crush.
...
another side note... you have the ability to be anything you want to be.
...
one more side note.... life can be an adventure if you want it to be. every single day can bring you closer to a different dream i fyou let it. open your mind, open your eyes, open your heart and let the world in.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
she comes softly in the night
her footfalls are barely audible on the carpet
but i know she is there
i can smell her coming in to the room
i heard the water in the shower stop
i could picture her toweling off
putting lotion on her long, smooth legs
i heard the water in the sink turn on
teeth being brushed
a few minutes later
the door opened
and that's when i could smell her
the smell of soap and levendar
she was being quiet
trying not to wake me
but i was already awake
and smiling
and waiting
and as soon as she slipped into the bed beside me
i slipped an arm around her waist
and pulled her close to me
and kissed her softly on her shoulder
and her neck
and her cheek
and finally on her lips
as she wrapped her arms around me
and we fell asleep as one.
but i know she is there
i can smell her coming in to the room
i heard the water in the shower stop
i could picture her toweling off
putting lotion on her long, smooth legs
i heard the water in the sink turn on
teeth being brushed
a few minutes later
the door opened
and that's when i could smell her
the smell of soap and levendar
she was being quiet
trying not to wake me
but i was already awake
and smiling
and waiting
and as soon as she slipped into the bed beside me
i slipped an arm around her waist
and pulled her close to me
and kissed her softly on her shoulder
and her neck
and her cheek
and finally on her lips
as she wrapped her arms around me
and we fell asleep as one.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Late and late and late and late....
take my hand
and together
let's go where we haven't gone before
take my hand
and let's
make our way
through the dark
together
take my hand
and let's
do this
take my hand
and let's
make our way
through the dark
together
take my hand
and let's
do this
together
I close my eyes and your face is all that I see
At this point there really is no hope for me
so just take my hand
and come with me
just take my hand
and let's
just take my hand
and let's
just take my hand
and let's see where it leads.
and together
let's go where we haven't gone before
take my hand
and let's
make our way
through the dark
together
take my hand
and let's
do this
take my hand
and let's
make our way
through the dark
together
take my hand
and let's
do this
together
I close my eyes and your face is all that I see
At this point there really is no hope for me
so just take my hand
and come with me
just take my hand
and let's
just take my hand
and let's
just take my hand
and let's see where it leads.
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