walking in to that room was the hardest thing I've ever done. I closed my eyes and just let one foot fall in front of the other, carrying me in. I remember being ovewhelmed by the smell. that smell that is somehow both sterile and reaking of the dead and dying that you can only find in hospitals.

...

walking out of that room was the hardest thing I've ever done. I clsed my eyes and breathed in her sweet smell one last time. one foot in front of the other, slowly and deliberately. no regrets.

...

I really don't feel like going to work today. I just feel like crawling into a little ball and pulling my covers over my head and waiting.

Not sure exactly what I'd be waiting for, but I'd know it when it came.

...

Sometimes I wish I believed in God. I wish that I could look deep down inside myself and find something greater than me. I wish there was this higher power that I could ask to make everything right in the world.

...

I really don't feel like going to work. But I need to. I need to get dressed and get moving and get my day started so that it can end. I haven't even gone in yet, and I'm already counting down the minutes to leave.

My vacation was amazing, but then I came back. And now... well.... now is now and I want it to either go back to being then or just get on with being later.

I want to escape.

To disappear.

I wonder if I could sell everything I own and just disappear to another country and just wander around doing odd jobs to survive. I wonder if I could even do that in this country. That would be ok too.

I wonder how long it would take me to hike from coast to coast.

I wonder how much it would cost.

I wonder if I would be a better person after doing it.

I wonder if I would just be the same.

I wonder all sorts of things... about myself, about her, about my friends and my family, about my future and my past. I wonder about who we are and how where we've been shapes where we're going.....

oh, and speaking of going.... I'm going to get ready for work.

sorry for this random ramble, I just.... I dont' know. If I can't espace for real, I may as well escape here for a few.