every night, lately, i've been falling asleep the same way. I'm not really sure what to make of it. it's not a conscious thing... it just kind of happens.

I lie down on my back and close my eyes. I pull my sheet over me and revel in the fresh colness of the previously empty bed. after a short time, though, i begin to get warm. the sound of the ceiling fan becomes noticable. something jsut isn't quite right.

So I gurn over onto my left side. My good ear is burried in the pillow, so the world becomes silent. the ceiling fan is no more. the cars outside are silenced. all that remains is me and my bed. i pull my second pillow in to me. i get warmer and warmer, so the sheet slowly makes it's way off me.

still too warm.

i roll over on to my stomach, completely uncovered. the ceiling fan blowing the cool air on to my bare back.

the cool is nice, but the sound of the fan drives me nuts.

i roll over on to my back. i turn my head again to face the empty room, once again bringing sweet silence.

it doesn't take long after that. sleep sneaks in and steals me away from the world.

every night it's the same routine.

even right now, i'm on my couch, on my back, ready to turn over and shut out the world so sleep can take me away...

Starry Night

Her bedroom walls were white and bare, except for one thing hanging above her bed. One of those reproductions of Starry Night. It's edges were worn and one of the corners had been ripped completel off. One time I asked her how long she'd had that picture hanging, unframed, above her bed. Years and years. That's what she told me. Nothing definitive. Just years and years.

All the things we did under that Starry Night... and I'm not just referring to sex, though we there was plenty of that. It seems like, back in those days, we spent all of our time in that bed, under those Stars. We watched movies together, read books together, played cards. So many Saturday mornings spent in each others arms, planning the rest of our lives. So many late, late nights spent whispering in each others ears. Telling of our dreams and fantasies. Confessing our sins but never looking for redemption and never receiving any judgement, only acceptance.

We were so young back then. It's been so many years, I wonder if that painting is still hanging above her bed. For some reason it makes me feel better thinking that it is...

pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name?

i'm a singer in my home
living life all on my own
right now i just can't sleep
and i'm feeling weak
my soul begins to bleed
no body's listening to me
not even the trees

...

an angel
rising above
everything
she has built up in her path
seeing the sky
again
for the first time
seeing the moon
again
for the last time

change has come
she brings it herself

strong
when she has to be
weak
when she can be
happy
when she wants to be
alive
when she's with me

...

it's just a broken heart, son, not like you've passed away

...

in innocnece lies beauty
and regret

...

i'm trying not to let...
but can't help to....
i just am who i am
and i am who i am
three oclock
she is lost
i'm alone
i am lost
she's alone
we're together
but we're not
she knos me well
i just am who i am
nd i am who i am
lay it out now
tell the truth
let me see
what you see
let me be
who you are
there's a space
and it's empty

...

what's puzzling you? it's the nature of my game....

everything has its place - bits'n'pieces

everything has its place
i just don't know where mine is right now
...
i know i can do better. try harer. be more.
...
someone better slap me before i start to rust, before i start to decompose
...
my heart races at its daily pace and when i see you, i think it might
i think it might
i think it might
i think it might just burst
...
its easy when you're sad, sad like me
...
my fingertips on your bare back send sparks across the room
...
i woke up every morning last week with a headache so bad i thought simply dying might be easier than opening my eyes
...
will you stay here
in my arms
just for a while
maybe for one more song
one more album
one more hour
one more night
will you stay here in my arms
until i never wake up again
...
who is amy?
...
i swear i thought you were... oh.. wait... apparently i was mistaken
...
green.yellow.black.shades of grey
...
here, let me just show you...
...
ain't nothin' but a g thang
...
i could look into those blue eyes forever
i could get lost in them
i could get lost and never even try ti find a way out
i coud live in those eyes and be happy
...
listen
to the sound
of life
all around you

cops+robbers

such good music.... seriously. My Recently Added Playlist on iTunes = Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Phoenix ( as well as Lonley Island and the new Eminem ) .... such good music.

it's like i'm not really here--notreally sitting on my living room floor.

i'm floating in a sea of dark and sound.

it's nice.

peaceful.

I've actually got a few stories to tell... Not sure how much I'll give you tonight and how much I'll hold for another time, but ... well, why not just get into the nitty gritty, eh?

Today was fun. Well, not the entire day, but the drive to work was more than just a little badass. I know what you're thinking... you're thinking, "How the heck could a drive to work be fun?" I'll tell you how... A police chase!

That's right. A police chase. And the best part... I was the one being chased!!

Don't get too excited or concerned or anything... it wasn't a high speed chase, but it was amusing to me anyway. Here's what happened...

I was sitting at a traffic light waiting to turn on to the highway. A car pulled in to the lane next to me and a Florida State Highway Patrol car pulled up behind him. My first thought was, "Doh! Setting the cruise control to 72mph... No speeding for me!"

So when the light turned to green, I accellerated pretty quickly, jetting up to about 75mph. Not too fast. I kinda tore off the line, though. Fortnately for me, the car the cop was behind started going extremely slowly.

The cop changed lanes to get behind me.

The slow car did the same before the cop had a chance to pass him.

I set my cruise control for 75mph and watched the cop in my rearview mirror as my radar detector started blaring.

I kept switching lanes, weaving in and out of traffic, looking like I'm flying down the highway, but really, everyone else was just going below the speed limit.

The cop kept weaving in and out as well, trying desperately to catch up, but never going faster than 80mph because traffic wouldn't let him.

As he gets closer, my radar detector starts blaring, and I can actually see the person in the passenger seat with the radar gun trying to point it at me.

Logically, I dodged behind a semi truck so he couldn't get a read on me.

Mind you, this entire time I'm only going a few miles per hour over the speed limit...

I was having fun, though... finally, the cop caught up to me and I gave a little wave as they passed me.

I don't think they were looking.

Oh well... I had fun.

Anyways.... I just realized that story wasn't as interesting to tell as was to live through, so... I think I might just call this blog done.

a new dream

I had a dream
and that dream came true
and I just didn't
didn't know what to do
she was an angel
from the skies above
it should have been
been an easy love

....

she's a misfit
she's a misfit
playing games
playing those games
those painful games
tugging at my heart
pulling at my heart
tearing apart my lonley heart

it all started way back
in cold, cold october
I was ready
ready for you
I just didn't know
what you would do

....
okay, I think Im done...
I mean, I could go on
I know I could go on
I'm just listening to quick music
writing quick thoughts
thinking dark thoughts
wishing things were different
but too scared to change them
and reallyI don't know what I would change
It seems like,right now, everything is in limbo
waiting to find out what's going to happen
I just wish i knew
one way or the other
am I staying
or am I going?
once that's settled
I think I'll be ready to do something again.
I hope I will, anyways.
reckless abandon
breakand be broken
run
run
running
full speed ahead
leap of faith
(for the faithless)
I do know, though
that everything will be alright
I'll wake up from this dream
and start another
and maybe that's what I'm doing now
waking up
still groggy
a little disoriented
trying to figure out
what day it is
what time it is
not quite sure
where I am
or where I should be
still waking up...
the sun shining through the blinds
pulling me gently from my sleep
and into a new day
a new life
a new dream....

singing in my sleep...

it's three o'clock
four o'clock
five o'clock
we've been running all night
hand in hand
through the wet grass
through the wet grass
hand in hand

telling stories
writing stories
living our own story
all night long
collapsing in the wet grass
laughing
smiling
out of breath
out of time
out of luck
out of
this world

you look in my eyes
and all I see is
love
love
love
love
love
love

and all I feel is
love
love
love
love
love
love

and all we are is
love

and then the sun comes us
and washes us
in its arms
and it washes us
in its warmth

and I look in your eyes
and all I see is
and all I feel is
and all we are is

and all I see is
and all I feel is
and all we are is

and we were running all night long
hand in hand
through the wet grass
through the wet grass
hand in hand

That certain smell...

Some things just remind you of certain other things. It doesnt' matter how much time has passed... it's just the way it is.

Whenever I smell a certain mixture of sweet and tangy, I'm reminded of a flavr of Babalicious gum that I was chewing the first time I ever watched the movie Labyrinth. The association is so strong, that whenever I watch that movie, I get that taste in my mouth.

This afternoon I saw a commercial for a mouthwash. I wasn't really paying attention to it at all, but at some point a woman in the commercial must have just finished swishing and spitting and she looked up into the mirror/camera and smiled and breathed in sharply through her teeth. That reminded me of her. She used to do that whenever she finished brushing. I'm not sure exactly why, but every time she did that I wanted to kiss her and tell her how much I loved her.

Hearing that sound today, that simple little hiss, made me miss how it felt when everything was right with her.

blah.

... i keep thinking sad thoughts.

.... ok... i'm just going to go to sleep.

Good night, cruel world... goodnight.

Innocence

She stands there looking so innocent. Her hands in her pockets, staring down at her feet. Her hair hangs down and I can only see her face when she steals that rare glance in my direction. I look at her from across the room and see her as I've never seen her before. All at once I see her as the woman she is now and what she must have been as a child.

She doesn't say a word and so neither do I. I just walk across the room and wrap my arms around her. Her hands find their way to my lower back and she pulls me in to her. She presses her face against my neck and I can feel the warmth of her tears.

She whspers two words into my ear and then slips away...

"I'm sorry."

gotta get out of the sunlight. gotta get out of here.

you just walked in to my life and completely changed me
you made me who i am
who i always was
you made me happy to be me

but you scared me a little, too
I was never so ... loud ... before i met you
i hardly said a word, though

the whole experience was just
strange

it was Me, and it wasn't
parts of it were me being everything i ever wanted to be
and parts of it were me being exactly who i always was

but alas, it was not meant to be
and now i sit here on my living room floor
just as i did a year ago

have i changed?
if so, was the change good or was it bad?

i think a part of me has changed
and for the better
i said things and did things i never would have done before
and now i know i can do them

there was some disappointment
and some hurt
and sometimes those feelings are still there

but really, what relationship doesn't have
disappointments
and hurt?

what defines those relationships
are the smiles
and the laughs
and the late night conversations
and all the other good things
that define a friendship

so where does that leave me now?
lost and alone
but i'm ok with that
for now

the day of reckoning is coming in two weeks
and we'll just have to wait and see
what happens
next

will i stay or will i go?
once that decision is made
it'll be time to start again
one way
or another.

i hear your words
and i feel your touch
and i.
yes i.
and i.
yes i.

it's deeper than the ocean

divided by the sound
and the light

it's deeper than the ocean
but i can still feel.

I think I've lost my mind again
Her blue eyes
I think I'm beginning to go insane
Her hand in mine
I'm not really sure if this is real
I think I've lost my mind again

I asked her to be my Valentine
Her blue eyes
Even though it's already come and gone
Her hand in mine
She smiled and she laughed and I died
And I think I've lost my mind again

Her blue eyes
Her hand in mine
Her name off my lips
Her sweet, sweet kiss
I think I've lost my mind again

Her blue eyes
Her hand in mine
Her name off my lips
Her sweet, sweet kiss
I think I've lost my mind again
I think I've lost my mind again
I think I've lost my mind again....

she sings my name and opens up my heart

No longer.... no longer

What you ask

Strange steps

Heels turn black

The cinders... the cinders

They light the paths

And these strange steps

Take us back... take us back.

Flow sweetly, hang heavy

You suddenly Complete me

You suddenly Complete me

Flow sweetly, hang heavy

You suddenly Complete me

You suddenly Complete me

No wonder... no wonder

Other half

Strange steps

Heels turn black

The cinders... they splinter

And light the paths

And these strange steps

Trace us back... trace us back.

Flow sweetly, hang heavy

You suddenly Complete me

You suddenly Complete me

Hysteric, hysteric

Hysteric, hysteric

Hysteric... hysterical.

don't hesitate

i wont
comprimise
the way
i feel
i am
not willing
to go
not able
to lose
again

i won't
lay down
disappear
close my eyes
i won't
compromise
my self
my heart
my soul
i can't

random thought while decompressing from my interview

if you trace the last year in reverse, i can't even begin to count the number of times you'd be found in my arms, in my mind or in my heart

Talk About It - PF

For millions of years mankind lived just like theanimals
Then something happenend which unleashed the power of our imagination
We learned to talk

Theres a silence surrounding me
I cant seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me

I think I should speak now _________ why wont you talk to me
I can't seem to speak now ________ you never talk to me
My words wont come out right ______ what are you thinking
I feel like I'm drowning _________ what are you feeling
I'm feeling weak now ________ you never talk to me
But I cant show my weakness ______ what are you thinking
I sometimes wonder _______ what are you feeling

Where do we go from here
It doesnt have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

Why wont you talk to me _________ I feel like Im drowning
You never talk to me ________ you know I cant breathe now
What are you thinking _________ were going nowhere
What are you feeling________ were going nowhere

Why wont you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
Where do we go from here
It doesnt have to be like this

All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

more awake than i want to be

all that you are
and all that you were
is all i ever wanted
and all i ever needed

gonebut not forgotten
you will forever be
an integral part of me

memories
old and new
the sweetest memories
of me and you

are all that i have
and all that i need
and sweet memories
are all they will ever b

eand all that you are
and all that you were
your eyes
your smile
your voice

but wait
just a second now
please wait
just a minute more

it's too late
for all of that, now
too late
for anything.

Perfection

There is no such thing as perfect. The perfect moment, the perfect day, the perfect person, the perfect love. none of these things really exist.

everything has flaws if you look close enough. in the right light. under the right circumstances. everything has flaws. there are no exceptions.

I woke up early this morning and went to a park to watch the sun rise. It was almost cool out, but not so cold that i regretted wearing short sleeves. I walked through the grass, taking off my sandals to let my feet feel the cool, wet grass between my toes. I found a spot out in the open and sat down. I could feel my jeans absorbing the morning dew. I leaned back and i could feel my hands sink into the dirt. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and just sat there listening. feeling. it was so cool and quiet. the only sound i could hear were of some birds in the distance. i could feel the first rays of sun hit my skin, so I ipened my eyes. The sun was just beginning t opeak over the trees, a beautiful golden orange. A florida sunrise.

It was perfect.

But it wasn't.

I looked around, but couldn't find what wasn't there.

I stood up and walked back to my car, the sun still rising behind me.