two thousand and nine.

every year aroudn this time i take a little while to reflect back on the year that was.... i don't feel like doing that right now.

i just got back from jacksonville where i was visiting my friend, his wife and their newborn. the baby is only 2 weeks old. so tiny. so beautiful.

while driving back, i started thinking about what i'd write here and i started to think about some of the new years eves in my past.

i remember one in gainesville. pretty much All of my friends had gone home, but i was working so had to stay in g'ville. daver threw a party in the yellow house and invited me... i didn't have anything else going on, so i went.

i didn't the party would be much fun for me since i didn't really know anyone, so i decided to bring a date--a bottle of captain morgan. when i got there, it turned out i was right. i didnt' know anyone there other than daver. well... i was half right. i did end up having a good time. i polished off the bottle of cap'n and even found a replacement date for the remainder of the evening. i'm pretty sure her name was megan. it could have been sarah, though... or jennifer. i'm really not too sure.

i ended up passing out on a couch that night, with her in my arms.

i woke up early the next morning, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and grabbed her a blanket before i left.

it looks like this new years will be pretty similar. going to a party where i'll only know one person and i'll be bringing the same date--captain morgan.

maybe i'll give you my thoughts on 2009 this weekend... or maybe i won't.

Tonight I got to watch a family who hasn't been all together in over a year spend Christmas with each other.

It was pretty cool.

Definitely a little jealous, though...

Moms, dads... grandparents, neices, nephews... husband, wife... and me.

Now, it's not like I felt out of place or anything, good conversation and even better food are always welcome... none of it was Mine, though. It had that Borrowed feel. While I was there, I was family. Right now, though? Well, they're still family and I'm still, well... just me.

Not that I'm alone in this world or anything like that. I have friends, good friends. The best friends, and I love them like family.... and when I'm with them, I really am a part of their families and I love them for that. I really do.

But every single time I make that drive home the empty car acts as my reminder.

I think that's why I have this incessant urge to move around so much. It's not that I'm not happy where I am, it's just that Home is Where the Heart is, right? Well, where's your heart? With your family. Not that you have to live with your family your whole life to be happy, but no matter where you are in the world you always have someplace to go back to... I suppose I'm just looking for that place I can go back to.

Life has been flying by... Its like everything is in fast forward.

Sometimes it seems liek 5 years ago was just yesterday... six months ago just happened. Just now.

Today?

A mere blip.

Blink and you might have missed it.

I remember laying in the grass in frong of Nikki's house in Cape Coral when I was 10 years old. In the summer, we used to just lay in hte grass and watch the clouds pass over us and we would be amazed at how time passed so very slowly. Now it's like a year passes in the blink of an eye.

Christmas is almost here.

It's so close.

I can feel it.

Working in retail tends to beat a person down during this time of year, so, when I say that I feel that Christmas is almost here... well, Trust me. I know Christmas.

When I think back tgo all the Holidays that have passed since those days laying in the grass with Nikki... well... there's so much that has happened.

And there are so many things that are running through my mind right now.....

To some, I want to say goodbye... You were my world. You were everything I ever wanted You made me feel like wherever we were, if we were together, we were home. there were just too many other things that pulled us apart and I'd like to think we are both better having been together and we are better apart.

To others, I want to say... well, I don't know what I want to say. You were my dream. You are my dream. When I think of everything I want, I think of you. there is no such thing as Perfect, though. And sometimes dreams shoudl remain just that... dreams, where things can be Perfect.

And to others, well... timing is what it is and long ago fate decided that things should be as they are.

As for the future... well... I can't say.

Things were what they were,
They are what they are,
And they will be what they will be.

In the meantime, though... in this time where there is no time... Know that a part of me still loves you... and that part of me will always love you... and I hope that you are smiling because I know that, no matter what happens, as long as you are in my heart, I can smile too.

i look around
and don't really know where i am.
All i see are photographs of a life that never really was.
I see you.
And I see me.
And I see a whole world around us
that never will come to be.

A wind blows through the trees
and the leaves come falling to the ground at my feet.
I can hear traffic in the distance.
I can feel your hand close around mine
and i remember.
I remember the way things could have been.

...

wow.
You are absolutely beautiful.
I just wanted to let you know.
:)

...

Some things break
Others just break down
Nothing lasts forever,
Girl.
Nothing lasts forever,
Not in this world.
So, break it,
Girl.
Break it.
Before it even has a chance
To break you.

it's not that i can't sleep... its just that I don't want to.

I've been wandering around the internet looking at all sorts of thigns other people are telling me are cool.

Some of those things are cool... some are ok... some, meh. some not at all.

right now, as i lay in my bed, good ear burried in my pillow, i can barely hear the music that's playing while i'm both mesmerized and entertained as I watch the letters magically dance across my screen as my fingers run across the keyboard.

I noticed that while I was on facebook. I was typing something and the letters just seemed like they were chasing the cursor on the screen.

Two thoughts came to mind.

The first was that I was watching a greyhound race. the cursor was the little stuffed rabbit being chased by starved dogs. would they ever catch the rabbit? only if I ran out of things to say....

The second thought was that it wasn't me making the words appear on the screen.... the words are there all along. All I'm doing is moving that cursor to reveal the words one letter at a time. it was as if everything was layed out already, and all i had to do was give it little pushes and slowly the story would unfold right before my eyes.

I think that's what i'm giong to go to sleep to tonight... the thought of a future beginning to unfold.

hey baby
don't you cry
keep those tears inside
and save the hurt for someone else
he wasn't worth the effort
wasn't worth the time
just let a week go by
and pretty soon you'll be feeling fine

yeah baby
that's right
just stay with me
and everything will be all right
i'll hold you close
i'll squeeze you tight
just don't look back
and pretty soon you'll be feeling fine

I think I am the happiest depressed person in the whole world.
It's weird.
There's so much more that I want out of life and so many things that I wanted to happen that haven't. So many things that I wanted to work out that haven't. Some days I feel like just giving up. I close my eyes and try to will myself out of existance.
That never works.
No surprise there, right?
I open my eyes and there is still a world around me.
Friends that love me.
Family that loves me.
There are still adventures that I haven't found yet.
Shoot, there's a good majority of the world that I haven't found yet.
And most times I don't think I've even found myself.
Actually, I know I haven't found myself.
I don't even really know where to look.
I write all the time. About my life. About my thoughts. About my feelings.
You'd think after all this time I'd know myself better than anyone else.
Maybe that's the problem afterall... I know myself too well, and I just don't like what I see.
Maybe what I really need is change... ... but I think we all know that I'm afraid of change.
Change scares me, which I think is why I do it so often. Its my way of thrill seeking.

I really don't know, though.

What I do know is that I have this feeling deep, deep inside me and every night I fall asleep alone it grows a little bit deeper and a little bit darker and it eats away at the smile that I wear so well. It makes my laugh a little more hollow.

Anyways... I'll go on wearing my smile and ... and, well, that's all I know to do, so I s'pose I'll just stick with that.

Goodnight, dear reader. Good night.

All you need is love, love is all you need

There is nothing you can do that can't be done

Nothing you can sing that can't be sung

Nothing you can say but you learn how to play the game

It's easy



There's nothign you can make that can't be made

No one you can save that can't be saved.

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you

in time - it's easy



All you need is love.



There's nothing youc an know that isn't known.

Nothing you can see that isn't shown.

Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

It's easy



All you need is love.



...



every day i dream myself dreaming with you

every night i see myself seeing you

it's like i can see what you can't see

and i can feel so much more than you feel

living in a world that just isn't real



...

I left the " ... " up right up there thinking I was going to come back to write more, but now that I'm here, I'm not sure what to say.

I mean, there's a LOT that I'd want to say, I just don't have anyone to say them to. Y'know?

Y'do. I know you do.

I feel like I'm on the verge of sadness. I'm so close to the edge that I can see it and I can just barely begin to feel it and I know its there. It hasn't overtaken me yet. Not by any means, but...

I'm not sure if its the craziness at work, the impending holidays or just that i miss my family so much, but it seems like I start feeling like this every year around this time.

Either way, I find myself turning to all-to-familiar vices a bit more frequently lately... alcohol and my xbox. I suppose I've been turning to my keyboard lately, too. Of the three, I'd say the keyboard is the most healthy. 'though I guess there's a bit of a snag with that, since I do like to drink a wee bit before I write.

Now, before you start worrying about the fact that I turn to alcohol when I get sad, please bare in mind that tonight I had about 4 or so drinks over a 6 hour period. Yesterday, 1/2 a beer. Night before that, 2 drinks all night. It's been more about frequency than volume.

Anyways... I've become quite the rambling man and, since it's just after 3am, I think I'm going to try and turn my brain off and hope for sweet dreams... wish me luck!

Last night was a very, very strange night.

I sat down to write about what happened, but it was just too much randomness to really make sense of things (so I just posted song lyrics instead.)

I've had a day to really let things soak in, and now, here I am, trying to get things straight.

Work was, well... work. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Right off the bat I should have realized something was happening. I got in my car to drive home and thought "I sure hope I have a few beers in the fridge..." and, within seconds, I received a txt from Tom asking if I wanted to meet him out for a few beers.

Umm...

Yeah. Duh.

I met him at DB's.

As I was pulling into my parking spot, another car pulled in to the empty spot next to me. From that car emerged two of the most beautiful, slutty girls I have seen in a long time. I mean, thier dresses were so tight and so short that they really didn't leave a whole lot up to the imagination.

Unfortunately, that's really their only involvement in the story. I just thought they deserved mention because they obviously tried very hard to make sure they were oggled.

Tom gets to DB, we talk about work. We talk about life. We talk about beer. And we drank beer. Several beers, in fact. And not any weak stuff, either.

None of this is out of the ordinary, yet. I understand you're waiting for some sort of plot twist or big event and I promise you that it's coming.

It is.

It's pretty big.

But I'm not going to get to it tonight. I'm so freaking tired that I'm surprised I even made it this far.

Don't worry, though, I promise I'll finish the story... I mean, I haven't even told you about the psychic yet and that's really the whole point. She wasn't at DB's, but she was a friend of someone we met at the bar there.

anyways.... sleep is calling my name... I promise I'll tell you the rest sometime over the next few days.

I promise.

Trust me, it's worth it.

Anyone Else But You - Moldy Peaches

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkye on your back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyonce can see in anyone else but you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why cna't you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I will find my niche in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumble packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Dave, I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

its funny how music has this way of working its magic on me.

I was totally about to write something mildly depressing... I mean, I opened up this blog and was about to start typing when, just before my first keystroke struck, a new song started playing.

Immediately my fingers stopped. my thoughts stopped and were whisked away by the sweet, sweet song.

Anyways... where was I?

No clue.

The thought has escaped me.

so, right now i'm so tired i could just...
well...
sleep.

but that would be too easy and as you all know, i'm not a fan of doing things the easy way.

So instead, here I am, with you.

I've missed you.

I really have.

Now that I'm back, this all feels so natural. So right. But while I was gone, I tried to come back several times. I did. I'd be about to knock on your door and then hesitate. I didn't know what I'd say. I thought it would be.... complicated. But it's not.

I'm here.
You're here.
We're together.
And it's right.

Anyways... there are a few things I wanted to talk with you about tonight, but I think I might be tired enough to just pass out right now....

So I'll save those stories for anohter day.

Sleep well, Dear Readers...

spice and rice

it seems like it's beena while since I've actually written anything on here.

it's not like I don't have anything to say... It's just that I don't really want to say the things that I'm thinking. maybe its that i don't want to think the things that i'm thinking.

it's not like I'm thinking Bad things... they're just not always the Best things.

or the smartest things.

So let's move on to other things, shall we?

yes. lets.

So, I both started and finished house shopping.

That's right.

Started.

And finished.

No, I didn't actually buy a house, but I decided home ownership just isn't right for me at this juncture.

Instead, what I want to do is travel the world.

You see, I've been on bunches of vacations. Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Chicago, New York, Las Vegas, San Diego, Los Angeles.... well, you get the point. All of those places are in the continental US. I've never been out of the country. Not even Canada. The closest I've ever come was once, when I was about 13 I was visiting Vermont and we talked about going to Canada. Then last time I was in San Diego, we climbed a mountain and saw Mexico.

So, since I've already got quasi plans for all my vacations in '10 (Seattle, Vail, Cali, Colorodo again) I won't be making any trips to other countries until '11.

Exciting stuff, I know.

Anyways... I'm going to go rot my brain.

You folks enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy doing.