I think I am the happiest depressed person in the whole world.
It's weird.
There's so much more that I want out of life and so many things that I wanted to happen that haven't. So many things that I wanted to work out that haven't. Some days I feel like just giving up. I close my eyes and try to will myself out of existance.
That never works.
No surprise there, right?
I open my eyes and there is still a world around me.
Friends that love me.
Family that loves me.
There are still adventures that I haven't found yet.
Shoot, there's a good majority of the world that I haven't found yet.
And most times I don't think I've even found myself.
Actually, I know I haven't found myself.
I don't even really know where to look.
I write all the time. About my life. About my thoughts. About my feelings.
You'd think after all this time I'd know myself better than anyone else.
Maybe that's the problem afterall... I know myself too well, and I just don't like what I see.
Maybe what I really need is change... ... but I think we all know that I'm afraid of change.
Change scares me, which I think is why I do it so often. Its my way of thrill seeking.

I really don't know, though.

What I do know is that I have this feeling deep, deep inside me and every night I fall asleep alone it grows a little bit deeper and a little bit darker and it eats away at the smile that I wear so well. It makes my laugh a little more hollow.

Anyways... I'll go on wearing my smile and ... and, well, that's all I know to do, so I s'pose I'll just stick with that.

Goodnight, dear reader. Good night.