your reasons are like seasons, they just keep on changin

she drives me absolutely wild, but I know she's not right for me at all.
I can't help but flirt, even though it feels kind of wrong.
Somehow she feels a little like my kid sister... only... my kid sister who is incredibly hot. y'know?
You probably don't... I'm not even sure I know.
...
that was from a few days ago. don't mind that, but i'm going to continue on with this anyways.
I don't even know what i want to say right now.
nothing really.
i don't have anything to say.
i was really just hoping that i'd sit down at the keyboard and inspiration would just strike me.
i was wrong.
maybe i should just go to sleep.
g'knight, babe, and have the sweetest of dreams...

every day i want you more and more and every day brings new light and new hope and new beginings and every day ends exactly the same without you by my side.
....
flittering in and out
touching
briefly
softly
whispering
gently
gently
and gone again
....
passion is a candle that burns at both ends
...
2hot 2handle 2cold 2hold
...
I wait even though I know I shouldn't
So I'll just say goodnight.

dreaming of being

and there we were
face to face
your hands in mine
you leaned forward
and i
well
i did too
eyes closed
lips touching
kissing
dreaming
of
being
...
io che non vivo senza te
...
iron and wine
playing in the background
whispering
words
and rocking us to sleep
knowing you're there
is like dreaming
dreaming
of being
...
Ok.... so here's a question: Are we supposed to want to grow up, or do we just have to?
I can't tell you how many times I stayed up all night with friends and watched the sun come up before going to bed. Sometimes it was with guy friends... sometimes it was with girl friends... sometimes it was with girlfriends. Either way, I miss that. I miss not having to care about tomorrow. I miss being young and knowing that the only thing that matters is Right Now.
To me, that's what being young is. Living in the now. As long as you're doing that, you're staying young.
Right now, everything thing I'm doing, everything I'm planning, is for tomorrow and I can feel time just slipping away. I can feel myself getting older. Growing up. I feel like I should be sipping some Scotch talking about Municipal Bonds and What My Handicap Was Last Time I Shot A Round Of Golf. Well... I don't play golf. I don't own bonds. I am starting to like Scotch, though, so I guess I can't knock that.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want to grow up. I want to stay 20 forever. ... ok, no... 24? no... hmm... how bout if you take the highlights from each year of my early 20's and mash 'em together and that's where I'd like to be.
I don't know anymore... everything's just so.... what it is, y'know? you do. I know you do. I think you do, anyways...
my eyes are closed....
my breathing is slow and deep....
if I stop moving my fingers I think
i just
might
fall
asleep
and then i'll be
dreaminig
of
being

You Can't Fix What Isn't Broken

.... And she became beautiful. I really don't know how it happened. Nothing changed about her. She stayed exactly the same. It was something in me. A part of me changed.
Her brown hair resting on her bare shoulder.
The way she cocked her head to the side just a split second before she laughed, it was as if she had to let the joke sink in for just a split second longer before she could decide if it were funny.
They say that if you smile, the whole world smiles with you. Well, that is definitely not true of everyone, but her smile was so... true... she smiled with her entire body... every time she smiled, whoever was with her didn't even have a choice, they had to smile right along with her.
She was smart, too. So damn smart. We would talk about work and she had so many ideas, things that were so different from the way we did things, so different from the way that most of us even thought of things. She just saw things in a way that no one else seemed to. I would bring up a new problem, a new challenge, and just watch her think it out. She would carefully brush her hair back behind her ears and she would just start to concentrate so hard on a spot just a few feet in front of her face. It was like she could see things that we couldn't. Her eyes would furrow as she dismissed idea after idea without even sharing them. Sometimes she would chew on her lip before a sly smile would start to creep across her face and she would let us know what she was thinking.
I saw these things every day for so long without actually Seeing them. Then one day, it hit me. Everything about her hit me all at once. Everything I hated about her became things that I loved, and everything I loved became things that I couldn't live without.
I never told her, though.
I couldn't.
Some things just aren't meant to be.

Ten for Everything, Everything, Everything

why does it seem like i'm always sitting at the intersection of life and... not life.

...

last night i picked up my phone as it rang and i just let it ring. it went to voicemail. my phone rang again, and i ignored it again. the third time i didn't even look at it. it became a piece of the background. white noise. i don't remember how many times the phone rang or how many times i let it ring. i was just lying in bed wishing it were someone else on the other end of that phone call.

...

i couldn't look you in the eye and say what i wanted to say. i couldn't do what i wanted to do. when i could look in your eyes, i could see that you were more than just a little disappointed. you didn't see me, you saw what you wanted to see, what i helped you see. you saw what wasn't there. and here i am, expecting too much, looking at a fallen angel.

...

I've been on a Tool kick lately. Falling asleep listening to them every night. Listening to them right now. I think I should switch it up a bit. Maybe throw on some Zep. Yeah, I think that's what I'm going to do. I've noticed my thoughts have been wandering... a little dark... a little depressed... a little... well, yeah. see above.

...

I'm not going to sugar coat this at all... I do not like Alabama.

It's not fun.

I asked someone what's fun to do around here and I was told to watch High School Football on Friday nights.

Really?

Is this Texas?

I can't do it.

Maybe it's because I haven't found my Place here... In Gainesville it was the Ale House. In Tampa it was... well.. the Ale House and then DB's... oh how I miss DB's. And the Gainesville Ale House for that matter. Well, not the GAH itself, just the people and the good times there. The problem is that the places I went here were all full of smoke... and everyone seemed to know everyone else from High School. Bars full of good ol' boys and country strong girls. Yeah, that's right. More of them are Country Strong than Country Sweet...

But I'm still new here.

Maybe I'm just not seeing this place for what it is.

Maybe quaint is what I am, not what I ain't.

I'm going to give it time.

I'm going to give it a fair chance.

It's definitely not starting off on the right foot, though, I'll tell you that right now.

...

Anyways... my foot is asleep. I'm sitting on the floor since I still don't have my furniture yet and I can't decide on a freakin' couch. I'm thinking I might kidnap a girl from work and have her come furniture shopping with me and pick me out a couch since I certainly can't seem to pick one out for myself.

but, yeah. foot. asleep. not good. finishing blog.

Star Wars Kicks

Okay, so I'm normally not so enamoured with STUFF like this ... but... I mean, really... check these kicks out!

www.starwars.com/vault/collecting/news20091208/index.html

I mean, seriously... SO cool. I can't decide which pair to get...

you and your sweet smile
you and your tantalizing ways
you and your honey lips
you and the sweet things you say
you and your wild, wild ways
one day you just up and walked away

but i can forgive you for that now
because you taught me something
something that took half my life to learn
when you give all of yourself away
just tell them to be careful with my heart

you took my love
thought you took it all
you took my love
and now you're gone

but i'm not breaking down
and i'm not falling apart
i just lost a little faith
when you broke my heart
given a chance i might try it again
but i won't risk it all this time

I'd save
a little love for myself
enough to mend
my broken heart again
one day i just might love again
one day some sweet smile might turn my head
one day i just might give all myself away
one day...
one day.

I still think about you....

I still think about you. The weirdest things remind me of you. Movies. Songs. Pictures I see in magazines. Every day, though, there's something.

To me, the magic is still possible.

There was magic. For a while there was.

The instant it became real, though, the magic disappeared for you.

I still believe, though.

Magic can be real.

It can last.

It kills me how I can be one way on here but can't bring myself to be like this out there. This, though. This is who I really am. This is how I think. This is how I want to be. This is how I wish I was.

You brought more out in me, on her, than I thought I had... That's why, out there, I was so scared. I knew I couldn't be who you thought I was. I knew I couldn't be who you wanted me to be.

I knew I couldn't be me.

And now?

You're the one I compare everyone else to.

You're the one no one measures up to.

I know you're not perfect.

I know you're not perfect for me.

I don't believe in perfect, though.

Magic, yes.

Perfect, no.

Things don't always work out.

Things will not always go my way.

Life is cruel.

And life is good.

I know you're happy. And most of the time I am too. But for at least a few seconds every single day.... I still think of you.