so here i am desperately hoping that writing will help me sleep.
i don't really have a topic to discuss.
i'd ask one of my friends what to write about, but... well... it's 5am. they're all asleep.
i should be too.
i mean, the reason i'm up is pretty obvious.
obvious to me, anways.
the movers should be here between 1 and 3.
all my stuff will be on its way to alabama.
alabama.
ala
freakin'
bama.

when i moved down to tampa, people were telling me that i was starting a new chapter in my life.
well, that wasn't quite true.
it was really just an extension of the same life i had before.

this move, though.
this one is a little different.

i very, very rarely feel stressed out at work.
that's about to change big time.
i mean, i still plan on having fun.
and i still plan on Making it fun.
but there's real pressure this time.

also, when i moved to tampa, i was moving to a place where i had quite a few friends.
this time, though, i don't know anyone.
i'm sure i'll meet people
i have no doubt about that.
it's just going to be a different sort of life than what i'm used to.

so... yeah.

that's about it.

i'm going to try to sleep again.

wish me luck!

this is what i was thinking while i was driving today.

of course there are regrets. things i wish never happened. there are seconds, minutes, hours, even days that hurt so much i wish i could never think of them again. but there was so much more than just that. so many hours that i wish had lasted days and so many days i wish never ended.

do i have regrets? of course i do... but do i wish We had never happened? not on your life. i wouldn't trade one second of the good times we had even if it meant we never had any of the bad.

with every day that passes, though, the memories slowly blur together. what was real is now merely what is remembered.

i was going to write about that Other thing that happened the day of the picnic way back in the day, but i'm just not up to that tonight...

right now my thoughts are elsewhere...

right now i'm thinking of the move.

it's a big move.

a huge one.

i'm saying goodbye to a life i've known for years and years. i mean, i've only been in tampa for the last 2.5 years or so.... but before that was g'ville.... and cape coral. even the cape is city like compare to where i'm going.

i'm just really looking forward to going up there to make a change. i get to go someplace new... someplace that doesn't know me... and i get to teach them what working in retail is all about. it's real easy... there's no great secret behind it... all you have to do is be able to make decisions. that's it. what's right for the customer and what's right for the business. you find those answers and you mush them together and you get a profitable store. bam. like magic.

anyways... tomorrow is, most likely, my last day of work in wesley chapel... it's going to be weird.
good
but weird.

Fifteen.

So, last night's story doesn't really tell you quite how bizzare the dating scene was for me when I was younger. Let me try a different story...

Take a step with me into the Way Back Machine and let's travel to the year 1996. For all you young people reading this, I need you to use your imagination a little bit. I need you to picture a world without the internet. I know, I know... How could there be a world without instant pornography? Trust me, it was a terrible, terrible place. A friend of mine was pulled out of public school by his parents to be home-schooled, so to communicate with each other we were forced to discover the wonderful world of the BBS (Bulletin Board System.) The BBS we joined was run by our local newspaper. According to Wikipedia, a BBS is a computer system running software that allows users to connect and log in to the system using a terminal program. Each BBS would have anywhere from a single access line to ten or so lines to dial in to. So basically, what would happen is this: we would dial in to the BBS using our old-school-analog-modems and post bulletins on forums or even join chat rooms with local residents where we could discuss local news and events. What would really happen, though, was completely different.

Most of the kids (under the age of 21) would be in one chat room while most of hte adults would be in another. There were a few of us, though, that would transcend that age barrier. I was accepted in both the kids' room and the adults' room even though I was only 15. That was where I met Teresa. Normally I change people's names to protect the innocent, but not this time. For some reason whenever I try and think of a fake name for her, Teresa is the only name that comes to mind... so... T is who'll she'll be.

T was in her mid- to upper-twenties, married and with two kids. She was cool. I would post crappy teen-angsty poetry and she would tell me how great it was. She would start each night in the kids' chat room until more adults logged on, then move over to the grown up talk. The funny part was that most of the conversations were pretty similar... the adults just used bigger words.

That summer after my junior year of high school I was on the BBS at least every other night. I would go out with my friends after dinner and we would hang out until midnight or so, then I would head home and plop onto the BBS and talk with that crew until... well... who knew. Sometimes it would be an hour, sometimes we would talk until the sun came up. No school, no worries. The cool thing was T was right there with me most of those nights.

Over that summer I got to know her pretty well. Extremely well. I heard all sorts of stories about her job as a nurse at the local hospital. She told me about what it was like for her growing up in Indiana. I told her about all my teenager issues and she'd just listen and give me impartial advice. If I was ever being stupid, she had absolutely no problem telling me. After a while, she even started talking to me about some of her problems. I know what you're thinking... Why would an adult look to a kid for advice? There must be something wrong with her... Well... that's not really how it was. What you have to bear in mind is that we were not meeting in person. It was only on the BBS and my writing style really hasn't evolved that much over the years. So while I really was young, sometimes it was hard to tell.

After a few weeks of chatting, T's husband decided to log on every once in a while. He started talking with me, and I was more than happy to chat back. He was T's husband, he had to be cool, right? I was too young at the time to realize that he was just jealous. Extremely jealous. He wasn't logging in to take up his wife's new hobby, he was there to spy on her. One night while T"s husband was out with friends, she told me that she wasn't happy anymore. We talked for a long time that night. Well, SHE talked for a long time that night. I was just there to listen.

Fast forward another few weeks. In that time a bunch of us from the BBS organized a picnic where we could all meet and hang out nd have fun in person instead of just in a chat room. We decided on a neutral location - a park just on the boarder of the two cities the BBS was host to. We had about 20 people say they would definitely make it and about 20 or so maybes. It looked like it would be a pretty solid gathering.

There was only one catch for me to be able to show up. I needed a ride. I was still just 15. No driver's license. Turns out that I was on the way for T, so she offered to give me a lift. Unfortunately T's husband couldn't make it out to the picnic. Shucks. Neither T nor I were disappointed. The guy was pretty much an ass.

Once at the park, T and I parted ways: she went with the adults and I went off with the kiddies (there's a whole other story in here, but maybe I'll tell you that one tomorrow.) Once the grill started going, everyone gathered together to talk and eat and talk and eat and drink and talk and... well.. you get it. As more and more people at their food and went back to playing Frisbee or throwing around the football or whatever else it was that they were doing that afternoon, those of us who stayed at the tables moved closer and closer together and gossipped. Slowly our numbers dwindled and eventually it was just T and I. We sat there, just the two of us, for an hour or so. We were just talking. Joking around. Generally just enjoying being able to talk to each other face to face instead of through a keyboard. Eventually, though, I got pulled away (I will definitely tell you that story some night...)

As teh sun dipped below the tree line, the party was declared officially over. We packed up all of our things and said our goodbyes as if there was a chance we'd never see any of these people again. It's a good thing, too, because I really didn't see a lot of those people ever again. I mean, we'd talk almost every night, but we never rounded up a group like we did that day.

The drive back to my place was mostly quiet as we were each absorbed in our own thoughts spurred by all of the day's happenings. It wasn't until we were back in my driveway that we really started talking again. She told me which of the adult's rumors were true and I filled her in on what was going on with the younger crowd and we joked about who would be dating now that they'd met face to face and we compared what we thought people would look like to what they were actually like in person. Eventually, though, there was a silence between us. A slight pause between laughs.

She said that she really had to get going...

I told her that I was so glad to put a beautiful face to that name on my computer screen...

She leaned over to give me a hug goodnight.

Just as she was beginning to let go, though, I turned to give her a kiss on the cheek. She was doing the same thing. Both of us had our eyes closed.

I felt my lips touch hers.

Just barely.

I opened my eyes and her face was just an inch away from mine. Her eyes were still closed.

Our lips were just barely touching and I didn't know what to do. I mean, I knew what I wanted to do... but...

I know it was just a fraction of a second, but it felt like an eternity. Do I kiss her or no? A thousand thoughts ran through my head and just as I felt her begin to move, I leaned in towards her.

It wasn't a deep, passionate kiss, but it was still one I will never forget. Her lips, soft and sticky from her lipstick, pressed against mine.

After the kiss, she pulled back and smiled at me.

We said goodnight and I watched her from my front porch as she drove away.

I stood there for a little while before going inside--collecting my thoughts, waiting for my heart to stop pounding, waiting for the blood to rush back to Other parts of my body, waiting until I felt it was safe for me to take another step without fear of my legs giving out on me.

For Theresa I'm sure that was just a quick peck goodnight. For me, though... it was... amazing. I fell in love with her during that kiss. I would have done anything just to taste her lips one more time. Alas, it was not meant to be... afterall, I was still just 15...

I'm not sure why it happened, but while I was driving down to SoFla the other day, I started thinking about my (mis)adventures with the opposite sex. I've told you guys about the mad crush I had back in the day and, as I mentioned, nothing ever came of that. Well, there were a few other exploits that I had more luck with. But here's the thing... Every single one of those experiences was a tad bit bizzare.

The weird thing is, I don't even remember how I met all of these girls. Not that there were a whole ton of them, but still.

I remember going to the movies on a first date with a girl. I don't remember her name, but I can remember what she looked like. She had longish, wavy dark brown hair. it went down just passed her shoulders. It was cold out and she was wearing a sweatshirt. I remember barely watchign the movie.

no, we weren't making out.

we were talking through the whole thing. I distinctly remember getting shushed at least a dozen times.

after the movie was over, we sat on the trunk of my car in the movie theater parking lot and just talked.

we were there so long the cops started circling us and, when we were the last car in the parking lot, told us we had to leave.

It was a good night.

And now here are two facts that I realize, in retrospect, are totally related.
Fact 1: All we did was talk... I never made my move.
Fact 2: There was no second date.

I was too caught up in the fact that this girl was even out on a date with me and we were hitting it off that I didn't want to blow it by trying to kiss her.

Anyways... this wasn't even the story I meant to tell y'all tonight. Oh well, it's the one you got. Deal.

...

On a completely unrelated note, I was flipping through some old blogs recently and came across something I kinda liked :

I would dance with you.

I'm not sure what started that train of thought... but it's true. I would. And if you ask anyone I know, they'll tell you that dancing is Not what I do. But for you? I would. I would dance just to be close to you, moving with you, smiling and laughing and having fun with you. Even if there was no music, I would dance with you.

....

And I will leave on that note... eyes closed and already dreaming of holding you close and moving to the music that only you and I can hear. ... .. ... Now if only I knew who "you" were....