Bandito Loco

Pumpkin: [Standing up with a gun] All right, everybody be cool, this is a robbery!



Honey Bunny: Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya!

Motive: I need a little extra cash for the move across country. Not a lot... but a little.

The Research: Did some light reading on The Geezer Bandit currently making his rounds across SoCal. That lead me to look into capture rates and average hauls as well as specific training bank employees have around robberies. I also read lots of stories about people getting caught--I mean, the best way to learn how to succeed is by learning how to fail, right? And since, in this case, failing leads to jail, I can't really afford to fail my self, so I'll have to learn by reading how others have failed before me. I also read several success stories. Most of those successes shared one commonality: They were one-time events, not attempts at a crime spree, in which the robber moved quickly and quietly and then disappeared.

The Plan:

1. Purchase a microwave and several car batteries in the backseat of my car (to be used later).

2. Tape up my rear window as well as a passenger window. Also cover the roof of my car. This will allow me to change the appearance of my vehicle quickly as well as cover identifiable marks (gator head in my rear window)

3. Dress appropriately. Hoodie, wig, fake facial hair, fake other-identifiable-mark-like-a-tatoo.

4. Rob bank. Calmly approach teller, hand them a note politely requesting $20,000. Whisper "Give me the money or I. Will. Murder. You." The key is to do it calmly and quietly while aslo emphasizing those last four words. Saying, "give me all the money or I'll kill you" is too trite--too hollywood. Saying "I will murder you" is much more intense and violent. Think about it. Once the money is in the bag, just calmly walk out the door.

5. This is where the microwave comes into play. There are banks out there that put tracking devices as well as dye in with the money. By throwing the bag into the microwave for a few minutes all electronic devices should fry, thus eliminating the tracking devices. I have no clue if this would disable the dye, but if it did, bonus! if not... well, i was getting screwed there anyways, right?

6. Leave the scene. Drive away calmly and pull into the nearest parking garage/apartment complex/generic location as possible to remove the window coverings from the car. Also take the money out of the microwave and search it for trackers/dye/etc. Ditch those devices if necessary.

7. Don't rob another bank. End my life of crime. The best way to not get caught robbing a bank is simply to Not Rob A Bank. The second best way not to get caught is to Not Rob Another Bank. I'm not doing this to become a career criminal after all... this is just a one time thing to supliment my income for my move. I figure I'll do it in a state where I have no ties. Louisiana or something. Somewhere I won't go back to anytime in the forseeable future. Certainly not somewhere I live or plan on living.

...

Disclaimer: I have never nor do I plan on ever robbing a bank. This has been a complete work of fiction. If you are reading this and thinking, "hmmm... I wonder if this guy is the bank robber we're looking for..." I urge you to read the rest of my blog for two reasons. 1: you might enjoy it. 2: you would realize that I am smart enough not to post a plan of a bank robbery I was about to commit on the internet and then to Facebook. Unless this extreme disclosure of my plans is just a clever ploy to throw you off my trail! After all, who in their right minds would post their bank robbery plans on Facebook! no one! this COULDN'T possibly be the guy!!

Confidence Game

I've learned a lot about myself over the last few weeks.

Normally I am very self conscious. I am. Its true. I'm an incredibly shy person who, most times, doesn't think much of himself.

I know it doesn't seem like it most of the time and I certainly know that is NOT how I should think... but it is.

The reason I end up being so social is because I like to push myself. I enjoy doing things that scare the crap out of me. I mean, I'm scare shitless doing it... but... I do it because I know I shouldn't be scared.

Does any of that make sense?

Its like heights. I'm afraid of heights yet, a few years ago, walked to the edge of a cliff. Fear gripped my heart and I was drenched in sweat, but I did it anyway because I knew there was nothing I should be afraid of. Same thing at work. I'll take the lift 20 feet into the air to pull down a TV even though I'm so scared that I can't move my feet once I'm off the ground. I'm afraid, but I shouldn't be, so I do it anyway.

woah

where was I going with this?

Oh yeah... confidence.

I don't usually have it.

I might talk big game sometimes, but that's all it is.... talk.

There are some things that bring out extreme confidence in me, though.

Two things.

Racquetball and Spades.

I wish the two things were, like, talking to women and job interviews... but no.

Racuqetball and Spades.

This weekend we played a game of Spades and, even though my team was losing at the time, I was sure we were going to win. There was no doubt in my mind, even as the other team was doubling us in points, that my team would win. That I would win. Everyone in the room knew it, too. Trust me, I let them know. I talked non-stop for about an hour.... just spewing shit because I knew that no matter what the current situation was, I would win.

I did win, by the way. My team did, anyways. I couldn't have done it without the hard work of The Team.

I had such confidence that it was gushing out of me. It was a good time.

I just wish I could be like that all the time.

There's really no reason that I can't be. I mean, its obviously in me... I'm just scared when I'm not in my element.

That's something I should work on.

I've been saying that my whole life... but this time its different.

New beginings and all that jazz.

Wish me luck!

Click... Click... Boom!

As per your request, here's the story of how I almost got shot in the head.

Let me start this off with the question in the survey: Have you ever almost died? My answer was something along the lines of "yes, I was almost shot in the head once" or something like that...

Now, for those of you who did not grow up as little boys, I can tell you that I have almost died hundreds of times. Seriously. If you were to review the highlights of just Dave On A Bike throughout the years, you'd see me hit by 2 cars (the first left me sprawled on the car's hood when I was about 9, the second left me on the side of a road a bit dazed for a few minutes as the driver drove on as if it never happened.) I almost drowned while attending Summer Camp at the local YMCA when I was 6. I mean, really... from the ages of 8 to about 12 we had neighborhood Stick Wars where we used to fight eachother with tree branches.

Death is not something most young boys consider when they dart in and out of traffic on their way to the comic book store... it just isn't. But I digress...

This is to be the tale of my near demise.

Picture this: Cicily, 1946.. your aunt Lisa and I... er, wait, wrong story... Make that Cape Coral, 1991. I'm 11 years old and my friend Nicky and I are walking across town one Saturday afternoon to grab some lunch at McDonalds. This was not a new thing to us... we did it all the time. The two mile walk was always an adventure. We'd stop in as many stores as we could on the way. Tasting as many free samples in the grocery stores as we could. Once the people serving those tasty little morsels started refusing service, we'd grab a cart and race around the store until we were kicked out, then move to the next retailer. But one Saturday we got sidetracked.

Not too far from our neighborhood Nicky spotted something in the gutter. A smile broke across his face as he realized what it was. A revolver. Badass. Or at least the 11-year-old's version of Badass (probably just "Cool" or something of that ilk.) It was loaded, too. Way cool. Thoughts of food immediately were left behind as we took our new treasure back to our Tree Fort.

Once secure in our hide-out Nicky aimed the gun at a random piece of wood that was waiting to find a use in the fort and squeezed the trigger.

Nothing happened.

He did it again.

Nothing happened.

A bit dissapointed, he relinquished the gun to me. It was suprisingly heavy for being so small. I remember that. I knew it wasn't plastic, but still... it had more wieght than I though it would have. I pulled the trigger while I aimed at imaginary glass bottles. My aim was true as evidenced by the glass-shattering sound Nicky made every time the hammer clicked dully on the dud rounds in the chamber.

Nicky's turn. Only this time he pointed the gun at me.

I wanted none of that, and told him so. My mama didn't raise a Complete fool. A fool yes, but not a complete one.

Nicky laughed it off and pretended to shoot me in the head a few times. Click... click... click... I started to walk away. I was not playing anymore. He just laughed it off saying that the gun was broken, nothing would happen. Click.. .click.. click... I told him I was still leaving, I didn't like him doing that. He aims the gun at his mailbox saying that I was just being a baby. Click.. boom.

The front of his mailbox blew open as the round tore right through it. We both screamed and ran. I went to my house, Nicky to his. After a few minutes my phone rang. It was Nicky telling me to get over to his house, so I did. We told his mom we found the gun, but not that we tried to use it. The police were called and they sent someone to pick up the weapon. I made Nicky give me a Nintendo game to square the fact that he almost shot me.
...
So there you go, folks. I was one trigger pull away from dying before I ever made it to high school.

My feet are cold, but I'm thinking of you.

So here's what I'm thinking...
you and me.
lets run away together.
it doesn't matter where we go
but wherever it is
we can be together.
life doesn't have to be hard
it doesn't have to be complicated.
if i could have anything in the world right now
it would be you.
if i were living a dream
that dream would be with you.
i'm not sure you realize this,
but every time i hear your voice
my heart melts
and ever time i see your face
i lose any thought i may have had.
you are a precious treasure.
...
its true.
i don't make shit like that up.

Lets watch a movie together

Watching Romeo+Juliet. These are my random thoughts throughout the movie.

I'm 27 minutes in, so you don't get the first few thousand, but you'll get the rest.

Claire Danes is amazingly gorgeous. Paul Rudd is a tool. In this movie. He's awesome otherwise.... in this movie, though, not a fan.

I think this movie made me really love love. It was all a combination of Bill's words and Claire Danes being hawt and sweet and innocent and how young i was when I watched it.... All those things... and more, I'm sure.

Did my heart love 'til now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty 'til this night.

Right now things are... complicated. To say the least. You all know how I am... and right now... I just don't know what I want. I mean. I do. But I don't. I wish I did. I really do wish I did.

The problem is... I know exactly what I want. I just know that i shouldn't want what I want and I should be happy with what I have.... but....

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and she is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

and oh... she is fair. she is everything i could ever want. at least she is from what i can see. ay, that is the rub. for right now I can only see so much. a whole world could be hidden from me. i have a suspicion, though... i have this horrible, sneaking suspician that in this i am not wrong. i am so often wrong in such things i just.... i want. i need. i dream.

Oh, will you leave me so unsatisfied?

What satisfaction can you have tonight?

The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine

I am officially 48 minutes in to the movie and I'm already tired of typing.

21 minutes of rambling while I watch.

I certainly don't remember a boy's choir singing Prince. Did that just happen?

Oh, wait. It must have. There's Michael from LOST again. The whole world is upside down. At least he's not wearing a dress this time.

The soundtrack! The hits just keep coming... that's right Everclear!

Oh shit.

Lovefool.

I think this movie is why I liked that song.

mmmm... Claire Danes.... She was my Zooey.

Right now, Zooey is my Zooey, though.

mmm.... Zooey.

Quirky makes me happy. That's come up in conversation a bunch of times lately... There's a fine line betwixt quirky and downright crazy. I have this tendency to allow that line to blurrrrrr in my mind, though. distracted by... I'm not sure, really. The want for something new, I suppose. The want for wanting. The need for needing.

Two random side notes: I'm in a hungry phase. Can't stop eating. Mmmmm... fooooood! To try and weather this storm in a slightly more healthy way than usual I have purchased a dozen yogurts, two boxes of cheery-Ohs and tomorrow I will purchase a dozen bagels, a loaf of bread and a pound or two of roasted turkey breast.

That was side note number one. The second thing that I wanted to mention was that it is now 2:46 in the A.M. and I just watched Romeo slay Tybalt. While I did thusly yawn, my eyes are still wide open. Sleep has been bansh'd and banishment is a fate worse than death for I cannot live out of fair Verona's walls.

Get Thee To A Nunery!

I realize that quote is not from this play... but... I think it whenever I think of Shakespear.

Well, that and "I Bite My Thumb At Thee" ... but that one is for a different reason. I remember when we were reading this play in high school... English, freshman year. I can't really tell you how it started but it did... This one girl, Kate and I used to bite our thumbs at each other. Every once in a while when we'd see each other, one of would just bite our thumbs and cry out, "I bite my thumb at thee!"

Shit's getting serious here. Juliet has to marry paul rudd. A worse fate their could not be. She said she'd rather die than marry paul rudd. paul rudd has no clue he's hated.

The plan is in place. She will be dead, but not. Four and Twenty hours she will lie in a state no better than death. But she will rise. And when she does she will find her Romeo by her side. This all shall be true, but not as she her guide has so planned.

He really should have just used BBM to msg Romeo.... at least then he would have known that his message never made it. Just sayin'.

There is inherent pain in love. If there is no pain, there is no love, for to be that vulnerable... there is no chance that a stray arrow will strike at thee. While it might not strike you down, it will most certainly bring you to your knees.

what light through yonder window breaks, 'tis the east and you... you are exactly what you are and I am exactly what I am.

And on that note I will watch Romeo drink his drink and I will watch Juliet take death from his lips

and knowing who i am

I will lean back and close my eyes

and dream

of stealing sleep

from her sweet kiss.

My Next Life

This is totally stollen from Woody Allen via Reddit, but I liked it, so I'm posting it for you guys to enjoy:

In my next life I want to live backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, more room every day and then, BAM!

You finish off as an orgasm.

A Brand New Day

I've only seriously prayed to god for one thing in my entire life.

I prayed for that one, single thing every day for a long, long time.

Some nights I wonder what life would be like if that one prayer was answered. Where would I be? Who would I be?

I wonder what the lives of everyone I've touched would be like. How they might be better or how they might be worse.

Its all very Its-A-Wonderful-Life-y

And its all very pointless. I know that. Trust me, I do.

It makes me wonder, though, about all those people out there who continue to pray... have any of theirs been answered?

I would have to imagine that some of them have. I mean, even its by dumb luck, I'm positive that some people have prayed for something to happen and then had that thing happen.

Its not that I think that I'm not doing it right and they are.

I'm fairly close to positive that it doesn't matter how you do it or where you do it or who you even do it to (wow, that sounded kind of dirty, didn't it?)

Maybe all that matters is that you do it.

The power of positive thinking.

If you can dream it, you can be it.

Maybe praying for something is just a way for us to envision ourselves doing something or being something and by actually seeing that state of being we are better able to make the right decisions to get ourselves there.

So here it is. My first prayer in about 20 years.

Hello up there. Its me. Dave. I haven't done this in a really long time so I'll be the first to admit that I'm not really sure how this all goes. I figure I should start with small miracles before moving on to the big ones. Before I ask for anything, though, I just want to say thanks for all that I do have. I want to thank you for my family and my friends. I want to thank you for my pretty decent health, I don't have too many complaints there. I want to thank you for the creme bruele in my belly and the food in my fridge. I want to thank you for all the beauty that is in the world and in my life.
Ok, enough buttering you up. Here's my first request back in this prayer game. Please God, Lord, Allah, Yaweh, IDGAF or whatever it is you'd like to be called... Please let the sun rise in the morning. Like I said before, though, I figure we should keep this thing easy to start before we move on to the more serious stuff.

This is Dave, signing off.

ramblin' rose

Maybe the reason I haven't been sleeping well lately is because I haven't been writing. That's definitely a possibility. I have all these pent up words and they're fighting so hard to get out that my eyelids aren't strong enough to stay closed and keep them in... maybe.

...

So here's the deal. If I were to write our story out a million times it would go a million different ways, but each one would end the same way: with us growing old together.

...

I'm begining to need a cahnge again.
I need something
and I need it soon.

...

Have you ever seen the movie Yes Man? Well, I have... of course of I have... it has Zooey in it... Anyways... I think I'm going to do that on my next day off.

I'm just going to say Yes. Well, to anything within reason. If its possible for me to do it, I will. Or at least I'll try. I will Unleash The Power of Yes!

...

Girls poop.

When I was younger, I never thought about that. I mean guys talk about going to the bathroom. Some guys even show off what they've done to their younger brothers. And their younger brothers' friends. Guys go to "drop a duece," or "drop the kids off at the pool" or maybe they just go "read a magazine." Whatever you want to call it, we announce that we're doing it. Most girls don't do that.
It wasn't until I was older that I realized that girls fart. They poop. They do everything guys do, just more discretely.

I guess that's what it all boils down to, then, doesn't it? The fundamental difference between the sexes is that men are brought up to be proud of their bodies while women are taught to be ashamed of them.

...

This morning, my little cousin asked me what it was like to be in love. The kid is only 11, so I wasn't really sure how to describe the feeling to him in a way he would understand. So I told him it felt just like this... and then I smacked up upside the head.

mmmm.....

So let me start by saying that I have not been sleeping very well lately.

That has definitely affected my thinking.

Everything is skewed a little bit towards the extremes right now.

Right now, though

Right this very now

All I can think about is you.

I know that I've told you that you are amazing

And I'm pretty sure that you believe me.

You do.

I know you do.

Because you can't help but know its true.

I feel right now

Just like I did back then

Only more

So much more.

Its still a sort of puppy love

But that's just because thats how I love

Like a puppy.

With lots of tongue. :)p

its been way too long.

I haven't been writing lately. And I can't really say for sure exactly what I've been doing instead... watching movies? sleeping? Going out? I dunno... I guess it doesn't really matter why NOT, all that really matters is that I'm not.

I am now, though.

sorta.

I haven't actually said anything yet, have I?

I've just been rambling.

Nothing new there, though, right?

Right.

So, here's the thing. I want something new.

I know exactly what I want, but I can't have her, so... I'm stuck.

I've been in this position before and I know exactly what I did and I know exactly how it turned out and I don't plan on doing that again.

But...

There's always a but...

But this time its different!

I sound like an abused spouse... I swear, its different this time!

But it is.

I'm not allowing myself to go too far. I'm not going all in.

Trust me, though, I would if I could... I can't, though, so I won't.

I do want something, though, so I'm going to work on that.

And that's why I havent' been writing.

I need something in order to be able to write.

I need that kick

That inspiration.

I need Her.

My muse.

In the meantime, though, I'll try and see what I can do without Her.

a scene

The curtain rises on a dark stage.

A woman screams in frustration.

A man's voice, coming from the opposite end of the stage chuckes and says "Honey..." in a calming tone.

A glass shatters on the man's side of the stage.

The stage lights come up, slowly, to reveal the scene.

A woman stands with her back facing the audience. She is wearing a little black dress. Her hair is slightly tussled. A man is standing opposite her, facing the audience. He is dressed in a tux, though his bowtie is undone and his shirt is untucked. There is not much furniture on the stage. The woman is standing next to a table. A high top surrounded by four chairs. There are a number of wine glasses on the table, some knocked over, as well as several empty bottles of wine. The man is standing behind a large recliner, taking cover. The man and the woman each has a spotlight on them, but the rest of the scene remains fairly dark.

The woman lets out another cry of frustration and heaves another glass at the man.

He dodges out of the way as the glass explodes against the wall beside him. As it does, the woman lets out a giggle.

Man (still calm) : Hey, hey hey! Let me explain!

Woman (loudly) : You Can't Just --

Man: Not to you. To them. Let me explain to them...

The man guestures to the audience. The woman turns to see who the man is talking about and recognizes the presence of the audience.

Woman (exhasperated) : Fine!

She throws her hands up in the air in frustration and makes her way to sit in the recliner. As she does this, the Man makes his way towards the front, center of the stage. As the two pass each other, the man attempts to pull the woman by her hips in to him for a kiss, but she spins deftly out of his reach and plops gracefully into the chair, giggling away. The Man shakes his head and smiles as he reaches center stage.

Man: It wasn't always like this. We used to love each other--

Woman: We still love each other

Man: Ok, fine. We still love each other. But it used to be different

Woman: Much different

Man: Fine. We love each other, but it used to be much different

Woman: Better.

Man: Better. Wait. Better?

(He looks over his shoulder at the Woman, to find her smiling back)

Woman: Different.

Man (looking back towards the audience, smiling) : So as I was saying... We love each other. We always have and

(takes a peek back at the Woman)

Man: and we always will. It used to be different, though. Less of these types of fireworks...

(He picks up one of the wine glasses off the table and hurls it at the wall above the Woman. As the glass shatters above her, the Woman lets out a short scream followed by laughter)

Man: and more of these types of fireworks...

(The man turns and runs towards the woman, he drops to his knees and slides towards her. As he does so, the woman pulls her feet up onto the chair and giggles. when the man reaches her, he springs to his feet, lifting her off the chair. She screams again, laughing as he spins her around the room in his arms. they're both laughing. he puts her back down in the chair and them moves behind her, behind the chair, standing over her. He leans down.)

Man: Do you remeber when we first met?

Woman: Nope. I've completely blocked that from my mind.

Man: Well I haven't...

(The stage lights go on all the way to reveal the rest of the stage. It is a high school classroom. The teacher is standing at a chalkboard on the far right of the stage, facing the left. The desks are in three rows of four, heading back towards the left side of the stage where the Man and the Woman are seated. All the desks are filled except one. The corner desk, at center stage. All the students are talking excitedly as the teacher writes on the chalkboard. As the bell starts ringing, all the students settle down and face the teacher.)

Teacher: Welcome to Contemporary Lit. I believe I have had every single one of you before, but just in case you've forgotten over the summer, I am--

(A boy comes bursting in to the room. He quickly takes a look around the room. He sees the last empty desk and rushes in to it.)

Teacher (obviously annoyed) : I am Mr. McCourt. And you, sir, are late.

Woman (from her spot in the chair) : You were always late.

Man: Hush now, I'm trying to tell a story here....

....

And that's the start of my play. So the whole thing unfolds like that. The couple tell the story of what took them from meeting in high school to the event that leads them to throwing wine glasses at each other; making amusing comments and interuptions the entire time.

What do you think?

August? Really?

I can't believe this month is almost over.

I have a birthday in a week in a half.

This will be my first birthday in quite some time that I won't be celebrating in Vegas.

That makes me sad.

Honestly, it breaks my heart more than just a little bit.

At first, it didn't really bother me... I mean, I'm still going to celebrate Davetember in style... Just not Big Baller Style.

This isn't going to be my big, introspective look at the year that has passed... but... looking back at all the decisions I've made over the last few years that have ultimate lead me to be in the position I'm in... well... I'm not sure Present Me agrees with some of the stuff Past Me decided to do.

They say that everything in life happens for a reason, though... but really, who the fuck are "they" and where do they get their information?

I saw, when life gives you lemons, suck it up and eat 'em if that's all you've got. Sure, you'll make that goofball sourpuss face for a few, but really, having lemons is better than not having anything at all, right?

Something About Women That Bugs the Crap Out of Me

Ok... so I realize that with the title above, the subject of this blog is pretty vague. There is one thing that has been top of mind lately, though. And that is dreams.

Not so much the dreams themselves... What happens in a dream is completely out of anybody's control. What kills me, though, is when a women gets upset at me for something I did or did not do in their dream.

Seriously, ladies... If I had any control over what I was doing in your dreams it would certainly NOT be whatever it was that would lead you to be pissed off at me.

I had this one X who's subconscious thought very little of me. I can't tell you how many times she had dreams about me killing her (I think that was from watching too much Dexter) or abandoning her in strange places (too much LOST) or cheating on her (no clue where that one came from...) And each time she would have one of those bad dreams she would be pissed at me the entire next day. It was ridiculous.

She wasn't the only one, either. There have been others. And each time it happens, there's nothing to do but throw my hands up in the air in frustration and appologize for my dream-self.

My question is, why doesn't it ever work the other way? Why can't I get me a little mornin' lovin' when I do something awesome in a dream? C'mon, ladies... I'm sure for every misdeed I may do in a dream there's at least one good thing. I'm not all bad, am I?

If there were some good to counterbalance the bad, I would be much more inclined to accept whatever fate the dreamworld had for me... but if it's just the bad? Well that just isn't fair...

On a side note: I shouldn't drink coffee after 9pm. Especially if its been a while since I've had caffine. Wooooooooodiggity, its 1:35am!!

I close my eyes and I squeeze them tight

and she was a rocket
and i had a parachute
and i was ready to hang on
for as long as i possibly could

...

you with your switchblade posse
i'll get my guns from the south

...

Ok, so here's the thing:

The thing.

...

Seriously, though, there is something there.
... well, not THERE as in, where I just typed, but its there
somewhere
so I guess I'll just let it out.

I'm in like.

Not love.

Like.

As in, I'm kinda smitten.

Like a kitten.

Only not.

There's a catch, though. There always is with me.
Always.
This one's a repeat, though.
That's new.
Usually I pick different ways to fall for the wrong people. This time, though... this time its something I've done before.

That's right, I've become smitten with someone who lives on the wrong coast.
The west coast.

argh.

Very frustrating.

Very.

Here's the thing, though:

The thing.

Ok... it wasn't funny the first time and it certainly wasn't funny this time, but I did it again.

Like I was saying, though, before I interupted myself... this one is different. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "they're all different. we've been down this road before..." but..
but..
but...
this time she really IS different.
She's the most random person I've ever met. In a good way.
She's.. well.. I don't want to get into that, because there's always a chance, no matter how slight, that she'll end up reading this....
So lets just say that I think she's neat-O.

And right about now, as I'm laying here in bed, hardly able to keep my eyes open... I would give just about anything in the world to have her by my side.

Unfortunately that is not going to happen so I'm just going to have to curl up in bed, maybe listen to some Mumford & Sons and hope I drift away to sleep where I can dream some happy, happy dreams... unless she calls, then I'll go for a 4 mile stroll around my neighborhood in the middle of the night.

I'm hoping for the stroll.

Bad Things

When you came in
The air went out
And every shadow
Filled up with doubt
I don't know who you are
But before the night is through
I wanna do bad things with you...

I'm the kind to sit up in his room
Hearts sick and eyes filled up with gloom
I don't know what you've done to me
But I know this much is true
I wanna do bad things with you...

I wanna do real bad things with you

And she was beautiful...

It took a moment.
That was all.
She made me smile.
I touched her skin.
She brushed back her hair.

She was beautiful.
She was all I'd ever need.

L.Zepp - Going To California

Spend my days with a woman unkind

smoked my stuff and drank all my wine

Made up my mind to make a new start

Goign to California with an aching in my heart

Someone told me there's a girl out there

with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair

Took my chances on a big jet plane

never let them tell you that they're always the same

The sea was red and the sky was grey

wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today

The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake

as the children of the sun began to wake

Seems that the wrath of the Gods

Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow;

I think I might be sinking

Throw me a line if I reach it in time

I'll meet you up there where the path

Runs straight and high

To find a queen without a king,

They say she plays guitar and cries and sings

Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn

Tryin to find a woman who's never, never, never been born

standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams

telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems

...

And with that I will let Ledd Zeppelin guide me through my mountain of dreams

Goodnight, world.

goodnight.

wine. lots of wine.

Ok.
I need to set the record straight.
There are some people out there who think my other blog is my main one.
You are incorrect.
This is my main escape from reality.
The other blog is more of a professional thing. I used it the one time to vent my .... frustrations(?) there.

This blog, though... this is wehre all the magic really happens.

This is where you learn about all the inner workings of All That Is Dave.

If its something that's had a great affect on me, its almost definitely here.

And I'm talking about in a personal way.

My mom.
My dad.
My sister.
My friends.
My many loves.
All here.
All an open book.

I may tell stories...
I may state fact that aren't 100% truth.

But every feeling.
Every emotion.
Everthing that really counts...
That's the truth....
...
....
.....
...... ......
...
Right now?
you want to know what's going on rihgt now?

I suppose I'll tell you...
Deja Vu.

Everything that's happening right now
feels like its happened before
...
and i'm afraid
more than just a little afraid

i'm guarded.

i'm....
well...

I'm the same as I've always been.

head over heels
head first
headstrong

I'm constantly looking around at my life and figuring out what's important
what i really want

i look at what other people have
and i look at what i have

and i try and figure out what it is that i want

i try and figure out what it is that i really want

what's important

what i can't live without

It was over before it even started

One night to be confused

One night to speed up truth

We had a promise made

Four hands and then away

Both under unfluence

We had divine sense

To know what to say

Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above

To lean on Wouldn't be good enough

For me,

No

One night of magic rush

The start of a simple touch

One night to push and scream

And then, sweet relief

Ten days of perfect tunes

The colors red and blue

We had a promise made

We were in love

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me,

No

To call for hands above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hands of the devil

And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth

Sharing different heartbeats

In one night

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me,

No

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me,

Wouldn't be good enough

For me,

No.

Wouldn't be good enough

For me,

No.

...

I really wanted to grab my mic and make this an audio blog. I think I've done that before.

Actually

I know I have.

I've just never posted them that way.

It seems like whenever I'm talking, I'm stumbling over the right words

trying to figure out the right thing to say

even as I'm saying them all wrong

But whenever I'm at my keyboard, everything seems to flow... the words come. They just always seem to sound right.

At least they do for the most part.

Even when they don't sound right, they are always true. I mean, with the exceptions of the stories I sometimes tell... those aren't always true, but the meaning behind them--the feeling behind them--those are always true.

...

I saw the play Frankie and Johnny the other day... I liked it.

The actors were good and the play was good, but I don't think the actors fit their roles.

I definitely related with the main guy, though. Minus the fact that he was fresh out of prison. I, personally, have never been to prison. But the whole point of the play is that this guy hooks up with this girl and then doesn't leave. She tries to push him out, but he tries to convince her that its more than just a one night stand.

He says things he shouldn't.

He moves too quickly.

He scares her away.

But he's persistant.

He doesn't relent.

He doesn't let her just push him out the door.

They get to know each other.

They share their stories.

By the time the sun rises, he's still there

And she's glad he is.

There's a line in the play that really stuck out to me. At one point during the play, Frankie tells Johnny:

Everything I want is in this room.

I think about that line...

Everything I want is in this room....

and I look around

I look around at my room

and I look around at my life

and I can feel it

Everything I want is close

its not here

but its close

I can almost feel it.

I can tell you this, too... as soon as I find that one missing piece there is absolutely nothing that can make me let go.

That, my friends, is a promise.

Tonight I Played In The Rain

don't ask me what she'd say... if you want to know, just ask her for yourself. i'm tired of the questions and i'm tired of the way this just keeps going around in circles
...
i asked her where she wanted to go and her answer was Everywhere
i asked her what she wanted to do and her answer was that she wanted to Be Happy
she asked me where i wanted to go and i answered Anywhere With You
and she asked me what i wanted to do and i answered that i wanted to Be Happy With You
...
i thought there was going to be more... instead it looks like there is going to be sleep.
you should go to sleep too.
its late.
we're both tired.
we'll pick this up another time.
promise.

The Key to Happiness

Its simple, it really is, being happy. I was going to draw this out and explain how I discovered they key to being happy. I was going to have this whole big build up and then leave you with that final epiphone. But I'm not going to. I'm going to be straight up with you and tell you right now. The key to being happy is watching the sun rise. That's it. Its that simple. Watching the sun rise is the key to happiness, and now I'm going to tell you how I came up with that.

First, lets start with the two most obvious. The sun rise is beautiful. I mean, have you ever watched one? Like, really watched it? It's fucking amazing. The dark night slowly fading away to reveal that pre-dawn light where everything is just kind of there and the explosion of color as the sun peaks over the horizon filling the formerly gray world with color. Its beautiful. And when you think about it, what is "being happy" if its not living a life that is beautiful.

The next obvious reason is the whole metaphorical one. You know... A new day, new beginning. A fresh start. If yesterday was bad, then its the sign that yesterday is completely over and today has begun. Anything that needs to be left behind is officially behind and we are free to begin anew. If yesterday was great, well then today provides us with another opportunity to experience that greatness. The sun rise brings with it a blank canvas upon which we can create anything we desire.

Ok, those were the obvious ones. Those were the reasons that anyone can see just by watching the sun rise. I will highlite three particular sunrises that brought me to my conclusion.

The first sunrise I ever remember seeing was the day after my mom had her stroke. I was seven years old and had no idea what happened, let alone what was going to happen to me over the course of the next few months. I knew that my mom was sick and I was staying at a friend's house down the block. Even though it had been a light night--a scary night--I couldn't sleep. I remember sitting up most of the night in my friend's living room gripping a flashlight that I used to keep under my pillow to keep the monsters at bay. That whole night I stared at the window waiting for... I don't know what I was waiting for. I guess I was waiting for the night to just come to an end. I was waiting for a new day to start. I was waiting for someone to tell me what was happening--waiting for someone to tell me that everything was going to be ok. Really, though, I guess I was probably waiting for my mom to come home. As the stars began to fade away and the trees that had been invisible all night slowly came in to focus I moved my vigil from the living room floor to the front stoop. The air was still warm. It was late August. I was wearing my spiderman pajamas and still gripping that flashlight as if letting it go was letting go of the only light I would ever hold close again. I was sitting there thinking whatever it is that seven year old boys think about during rough times. And then the sun started rising. I saw shadows where there weren't any before. Color was creeping in to the sky. It all happened so fast. The sky went from grey to orange to yellow and then the sun burst up so quickly I couldn't stop rubbing my eyes and then there it was. The sun hung just over the treeline, a golden ball surrounded by deep orange in the now blue sky. I remember being amazed about how fast it was. Being surrounded by darkness, then the sun rise--so amazing--and then just like that, it was a day just like all the others I'd seen before it. And, right then, that was exactly what I needed. Something beautiful and amazing followed by a day like any other.

The second sun rise I shall use as proof for my hypothesis took place while I was in college. I know I've told you guys that I used to go for longs walks with my friends back then, but for those of you that are new to The Life of Dave.... I used to go for long walks with my friends back then. There were only three people that really accompanied me on these late night treks. One I married, the other was Mary and the third was Bryan. It didn't matter which of the three it was, all of the walks went about the same way. Actually, scratch that. At some point the walks with the one I married turned into more than just walks, if you know what I mean... but besides that, they were all the same. The walks would usually start around midnight, we would talk about whatever it was in the world that was bothering us and we never cared where we went. We walked just to be outside and enjoy each other's company. On one such walk (this one with the one I married) we ended up stopping by a friend's graphic design lab in the middle of the night to bring him a snack, knowing he'd be there working late. He did that. While there, he told us about the late nights he and his fellow students would be up so late working that they pilfered a key to the roof to go up and watch the sun rise as a break from the computer screens. We thought this was a fantastic idea and vowed to return at dawn to enjoy this ritual with a close friend. Fast forward a few more hours, more than a few miles and we returned to the same place. The three of us went up to the roof of the Fine Arts building where there were already chairs set up for the students to unwind. We sat on that roof talking until the sky began to get just a shade lighter. As we talked, our eyes kept darting back to the horizon waiting for that first great ray of light to break. After about twenty more minutes of gray sky, we realized that it was just too overcast. The sun had risen behind a layer of clouds. We all just looked at each other with such disappointment on our faces. The company could not have been better, but the thing that had brought us together never came. Looking back on that night the main thing I remember is that feeling that something was missed.

Flash forward a few weeks and the opposite happened. I was on a walk with Bryan and we just talked the whole night. At one point we realized that the sun was going to rise shortly, so we went to a building where my friend Kate was working ridiculously early. We kidnapped her from her office and dragged her outside where we just watched the sun rise over the campus. After the beautiful show, we went back inside and continued talking for who knows how long. We shared something that day and we were all happy. Thinking back to how content we were after watching the sun rise makes the disappointment for missing it with the girl I loved that much worse.

So there you have it, folks... Whether you're staying up way too late or waking up way too early you should treat yourself from time to time.

Watch the sun rise.

You won't be disappointed.

The Human Torch

I think if I were going to be any superhero, it would be The Human Torch. Not because he's was one of the Fantastic Four... Not because I think it would be cool to jet around town as a giant fireball... No. I would be The Human Torch because, well, that's what I already am.

I'm like a million degrees right now.

The AC is running, my fan is on full blast and I'm lying in bed sweating. It's kinda gross.

Normally what I do in situations like this is an ice cold shower and a shave. Its officially summer when my beard disappears. It'll come back. most likely very soon. But tonight? Tonight it's going away.

...

Hi friends.
I have an idea...
Just for tonight
Lets pretend.
Lets pretend we're the Lost Boys
Chasing each other
And being chased
By the evil Capt. Hook.
Lets fly together
And be free.
Lets pretend
Just for a little while.
Lets pretend we're spies
On a secret mission...
A secret mission of fun!
Tonight, dear friends
Lets pretend.
Lets pretend.

...

It could have been anyone... anyone... we are not alone. We come. We know. We come. We stay. You won't remember. We won't remind you. We come. We know. We come. We stay. You won't remember. We won't recognize each other

...

She wrote my name across the bathroom mirror in her lipstick.
It was surrounded by a heart.
The counter was covered in her tears.

...

I asked you once
I asked you twice
And its not something I can ask again.
If you say no
Just one more time
If you say no
I just don't know
If I can hold on
Hold on
Hold on

...

My fingertips are tingling. And no, I haven't been drinking. I don't hear the ocean right now, though, which is a good thing. I thought I was going to go crazy for a little while there. It was close this time. So close. Those times.. when the ocean comes.. its all i can hear. Lowercase i, but when the ocean is here, i'm not really me. i'm a shell. filled with nothing but that sound. in a way its a relief to hear something in that ear. its been so long since i've heard a voice on that side. a whisper.

she used to whisper secrets in that ear. after the hearing was gone. i could feel her breath barely escaping as she said things i can only imagine.

...

I'm starting to fade. Time for that shower and shave.

Think cool thoughts.

All my love...

Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light
To chase a feather in the wind
Within the glow that weaves a cloak of delight
There moves a thread that has no end.
For many hours and days that pass ever soon
the tides have caused the flame to dim
At last the arm is straight, the hand to the loom
Is this to end or just the begining?

All of my love,
all of my love,
all of my love to you now.

...

Life can be.... complicated. But it doesn't have to be. It can be as simple as you make it. There are choices, decisions, risks, consequenses, pitfalls and pratfalls around every corner. Or you can step back and not worry about the day to day madness that is life. You can look past all those trees that stand in the way and see the forest for all of its beauty. You are the future. Your plans. What they may be leading up to. Or you can look closer to those every day disasters and find even the tiniest bit of beauty within them. The smells, the sounds, the colors and the feel of everything that makes up this world around us. There is beauty in everything if you choose to see it.

...

The cup is raised, the toast is made yet again
One voice is clear above the din
Proud Aryan, one word, my will to sustain
For me, the cloth once more to spin

All of my love,
all of my love,
all of my love to you now.

...

I fell in love again today.
its been a little while since that's happened.
the sideways glance over her shoulder
I couldn't help it.
it was fleeting, though.
we shared a drink
and a dinner
and a goodbye.

...

Yours is the cloth, mine is the hand that sews time
his is the force that lies within
Ours is the fire, all the warmth we can find
He is a feather in the wind

All of my love,
all of my love,
all of my love to you now.

sometime, sometime, sometime, sometime

All of my love,
all of my love,
all of my love to you now.

I get a little bit lonely,
Just a little, just a little, just a little bit lonley,
just a little bit lonley

The Story of Cherry - Part One

And we called her Cherry. I'm not really sure how she got that name, or why. That's just what we called her. She was beautiful. Beyond words. I'm not sure why I keep saying "was" like she's gone. She is still here. Still with us. Still beautiful. She's not Cherry anymore, though. That name just kind of faded away. Lots of things faded away that summer.
I haven't really told you much of anything yet, have I? Let's start with the basics. I was raised on journalism, so I'll go ahead and answer the Five W's and the H.
Who? Cherry was... well, she was just cherry. She's got a name, but if I were to use her real name you would know exactly who I was talking about and I'm not about to do that. You know me... I'm Dave. What more do you need? Everyone else is everyone else. The names of the side characters in this story don't really matter. I mean, they're all my friends and huge parts of my life, but in this story, in this place, all names will be changed to protect the innocent and guilty alike.
What? This is the story of how Cherry became Cherry and then... didn't.
Why? Because I can't sleep and you, apparently, have too much time on your hands
When? This was the infamous summer of 2002. AKA - Our Summer of Love AKA - Beach Blanket Bingo-a-Go-Go AKA - Oh Two? Oh No!
Where? To make it easy, we'll pretend all the events that follow happened in Gainesville. They didn't, but I'm not too keen on telling the whole story. I like leaving a bit of mystery to the whole thing. If you weren't there, you weren't there. There can be no substitute for the real thing.
How? My god if I only knew how, I wouldn't have let it happen the way it did... but it happened. We'll call it fate. Maybe karma... maybe just shit luck.
So there you have it. Gainesville. 2002. Me. Cherry. A wicked twist of fate. Kids, this is not the story of how I met your mother....
She whispered in my ear. That was my first contact with her. We were at Market Street with our bottomless mugs just minding our own business, throwing darts when she slipped up behind me and whispered in my ear, "Hide me!"
I turned around to see an angel. Albeit a very drunk angel, but still. She looked over her shoulder and said it again.
"Hide me."
I had no idea what to do. It didn't help that I was already pretty gone myself. So I did the first thing that popped in my head.
I said OK.
I raised my glass to my buddies, downed the rest of my beverage and turned to the angel that appeared so suddenly over my shoulder. I just looked at her for a second, taking everything in. Her hair was swept down over one nearly bare shoulder. Her dress was markedly out of place where everyone else in the building was wearing shorts and T's. Her eyes were so wide and so glassy. They definitely showed a look of mild concern, though, so I knew I shouldn't hesitate anymore before I lost my chance. Taking one more look around I saw a guy trying to move through the crowd. He was dressed in a suit. They looked like they belonged together.
She looked me in the eyes and said the word that pushed me into action.
"Please?"
That was my queue.
Without even thinking, I just lifted her over my shoulder and pushed through the crowd and out the front door. To this day, I can't tell you why I did it. Why didn't I just pull her towards the corner of the bar with the rest of my friends where she wouldn't be noticed? Why didn't I sneak her up the back stairs, behind her mysterious pursuer? No clue. I did what I did, though, and once I picked her up there was no turning back.
The rest of that night was kind of a blur. I remember putting her down eventually. Maybe two or three blocks away. We went to another bar. She was so fucking beautiful. We got a ride from someone... her friend? My friend? I couldn't tell you. We were at an apartment. It was loud so we went for a walk. She never told me who she was hiding from or why. Not that night, at least. I remember someone driving me home.
And that's about it.
When I woke up the next morning, I had a wicked hangover and a phone number written across my arm in black Sharpie. It took me two days to get that scrubbed off, by the way. I tried to remember exactly what happened after I left Market Street but could only recall the few snippets I just mentioned. All I had was the number on my arm and a name.
As I got ready to call the number, I realized something, though. I didn't actually have a name. All I had was a number. Shit. Oh well. I called it.
It rang.
Twice.
Then she picked up.
"Hello?"
I didn't know what to say. This was a girl I picked up and carried out of a bar the night before. We had a good time and as far as I know, we didn't have "A Good Time" if you know what I mean... and here I was calling her the next day without even knowing her name? If you know me, and since you're reading this I know you do, you know that is NOT something I do.
"Anyone there?"
Shit.
I was still on the phone.
...
.....
.......
And then I said it.
I don't know why, but I did.
"Cherry?"
"Oh, Dave. Good morning!"
The fact that her voice sounded so chipper while I felt like the bottom of a lumberjack's shoe pissed me off a little.
The fact that she recognized my voice and recognized my name definitely made me smile.
The fact that I called her "Cherry" and she responded was just plain confusing.
Well, folks, its 3AM and I just got through telling you how we met Cherry, so I'll just fast-forward a bit for ya.
We talked for a while that afternoon. Ended up grabbing lunch. Swapped stories from the night before, trying to hammer down some specific details, which we didn't. And she told me why she was hiding. I'll tell you that tomorrow night. Just know that after that night, she became a part of our group. Instant friend. It was pretty epic.
Oh, one more thing... To this day, when I think back to the first time I met Cherry, I will always remember how struck I was by her beauty. Never again had I felt caught so off guard by someone. It was just... Wow.

Settling

The world thrives in the tiniest of places. I'm not sure what made me think of that, earlier, but it's amazing, isn't it? Life is everywhere. Things are alive in places that life just doesn't seem to belong... but it's there. Pretty cool stuff.

On a slightly different topic... I was talking to someone the other day about relationships in general and, inevitably, past relationships came up... people seem to be intrigued by the fact that I was married. It feels very strange to me, too, don't worry. But the conversation turned to what people look for in a relationship partner, at what point to get married, and at what point you might have to call it quits.

A majority of the conversation turned into a debate about settling. You know.. when you settle for someone who's not perfect because... well, because they're there. On the one hand, why should you ever settle for what isn't perfect? Marriage is a commitment that should last a lifetime. Can you spend the next 60 years with someone other than THE ONE? And let's say you do settle... what happens when you finally meet the perfect person? You're stuck with what you've got.

On the other hand, though... What are the odds the perfect person even exists for you? I have a clear vision of what perfection is... of that woman from my dreams... but I have never met her. Never seen her. Never talked to her. Never glanced out the window of my car to see her driving in the lane next to me so that I could post some freaky message on craigslist in the hopes that she, too, is reading those creepy posts on craigslist. Am I willing to wait until I die in the hopes that someone meeting the thousands of little requirements to become My Perfection comes along? Heck no.

When I got hitched the first time, was I settling? Hell yeah. My ex was nowhere near My Perfect Woman. Not even close. But she made me happy. She met enough requirements that I thought, "You know, I could probably find someone who meets more of my requirements, but this one makes me happy 80% of the time just by being by my side." And folks, that's requirement numero uno for me.

So yeah, I settled. And you know what? If the right person comes around I'll probably settle again. I'm not planning on waiting around forever for My Perfect Woman who may or may not even exist... I plan on finding someone who makes me happy most of the time. Someone who I love. Someone who loves me. Someone who likes Macaroni and Cheese with hot dogs. I'm an easy guy to please...

I'm not saying that I'm giving up on being happy, quite the opposite, actually. I'm giving up on waiting to be happier. Life is good and life is NOW. Life is not about waiting for what might be, it’s about reveling in what IS.

And that, dear friends, is what I have to say about THAT.

Peace out, my faithful brethren... and eat those veggies because who knows? Maybe the world WON'T end tomorrow.

now i'm smiling too

words fly, like bullets, through and through
nothing hurts more than thoughts of you
the sound of angels, she whispers run and hide
she's not whispering to me. she's gone. i know she'll be fine.

She wore a green dress. she knows it drives me crazy to see her in that green dress. there's nothing more intoxicating than seeing her red hair resting on the shoulders of that green dress.

...

his face looked like a piece of plastic stretched over his skull. his features were a little too tight. his face had the oddest sort of shine that made it unnatural. and his smile--it seemed to stretch wider than any smile should. it didn't make him look happy. somehow whenever he smiled he looked hungry, like he was trying to lure you closer to grab hold of your soul and just tear it right out of you

...

her voice sounds so sweet. it really does. there's just something about the way she speaks that makes me remember what it was like to be young. there's an energy in her eyes that make me want to just be outside letting the sun beat down on me and just be free. it's not really that she reminds me of someone i knew when i was a kid, she reminds me of everyone i knew as a kid she sings and smiles and laughs and lives like nothing else matters outside of that one single moment. i saw someone say a mean thing to her once and you could see the pain of those words flash across her face. if you saw a picture of her in that instant, you would have thought she was witnessing a horrible attrocity of some sort. and then a moment later, it was gone. a small smile was back on her face and she said something, i don't know what, that made the other person start to laugh. just like that, everything was right again. i've never seen anyone have that kind of power over everyone she meets. with her, the old adage is true... smile and the whole world smiles with you. let me prove it to you. i'll close my eyes and picture her smiling. see? now i'm smiling too.

Breathe. Just breathe. One breath after the other.
One foot in front of the other.
Moving.
Steadily.
Forward.
Everything around you is constantly changing
Your friends
Your family
Your life
The ground beneath your very feet.
Changing.
That change is the only thing that is constant.