i honestly have no clue what i want right now. i mean, i know i want you, but i also know that i can't have you.
that's a distraction.
i don't blame you.
i can't blame you.
it's just who you are.
and it's just who i am.
if things were different
then things would be different.
but they're not.
so
as i lay here
in the dark
alone
thinking of you
i just have to wonder
are you thinking of me?

sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing.... i just kind of act on impulse...
I don't always mean it.
I promise.
Sometimes it just happens.
you've always known that, though.
well
maybe not always...
but
as long as you've known me.
random.
impulsive.
whole.
it's how i do.
who i be.

but now, i think i'm ready for the opposite.
maybe.
i think.
possibly.
i dunno.
i think so, though.
we shall see,
shant we?

its all a blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

sometimes i think that i want too much....

i just don't know what it is.

i mean,

i have this general idea of what i want...

i can see its shape,

but it's fuzzy,

and sometimes it seems so fucking far away.

...

life is a puzzle

with millions of pieces.

some days those pieces just seem to fall into place

other days

it's a fight just to keep the whole thing from falling apart.

...

i know, i know

we've been down this road before

i've felt these things

said these words

and looked into your same, sad eyes

and every time i hope for something different

but every time

its just the same

...

i wonder what she thinks every time she sees my name.

am i just a blip on the screen?

here and then gone again.

fleeting.

or do i linger in her thoughts

in her dreams

the way she's always here with me?

...

I shed my skin again

and I shed my skin again

hoping to begin again

hoping it's not the same old thing again

if not now, then when?

it must be time to shed my skin again.

...

I want to be on the beach right now.

My feet in the cold sand

The moon reflecting on the water

Lights in the distance

Sounds of music and laughter

Being hushed by the surf.

...

Some nights i love writing like this... little snippits of thought. nothing complete. nothing whole. no real beginnings and no real ends. like a page from life. every story is ongoing. there are no ends. there are callbacks. and memories. regrets. laughs. inside jokes. dreams and nightmares. everything comes back.

anyways... this didn't end anything like it started. i had an idea. a plan. i had something to say. instead, i leave you feeling... incomplete. maybe whatever it is that i'm missing will come to me in my dreams....

but

probably not.

a raincloud looms in the sky above me. a breeze picks up and sends a chill right through me. I look around me, in the relative darkness, and see that the streets are empty tonight. there's no one around me, but... there is. i can feel you with me, always, in my heart. i miss you most in times like this. not because i need you. you taught me long ago that i am perfectly capable of surviving in this mad, mad world alone. i miss you because i want to share these times with you. i want you to share in my adventures. i want to hear what you have to say about the decisions that lie ahead. i want your input. your guidance. your support. and your love. i miss you talking to you, pops.

My So-Connected Life

This blog has almost nothing to do with Claire Daines. Almost. I never really got into the show, My So-Called Life. It was very short lived and, from what everyone says, absolutely amazing. Maybe it's because I'm a guy. Or maybe its because I actually enjoyed High School, and wasn't really involved in any heavy drama or anything. I don't know. I do know these two fundamental facts, though.

1. When Claire Danes played Juliet, I totally fell for her. I can't really pinpoint exactly what it was about her.... but I was done.

2. The world is a different place now.

I saw pictures of my friends baby within an hour of him being born as they were posted on Facebook.

Another friend isn't feeling as highly motivated heading into finals week as he normally is.

Someone I went to High School with, but I don't think I've ever actually said a word to, was "on [her] way home and can barely move" about an hour ago.

Via Twitter I know that my cousin misses his ex girlfriend, but not enough to get back together with her and get married.

I know that another friend is excited about a new WoW tweak.

I know that Rain Wilson is making jokes about Obama's health care reforms.

And I know all these things no matter where I am or what I'm doing. My blackberry allows me to cyber-stalk my friends through status updates, uploaded photo's and random texts. I know more about what my friends are doing now than I did when I was in college actually hanging out with them, because now can follow what they're doing when we're not in the same room or even the same state.

I have been in touch with family members and old friends that I never would have been in contact with if it weren't for the wonders of modern technology.

My So-Connected Life indeed.

I'm one of the worst culprits I know. Even now, while I type this, I have a browser window open with Facebook, where my current status is: I drank a five hour energy drink 3 hours ago thinking I was going out. now I'm not. shit. (posted 3 hours ago).

I have AIM open with an away message stating: I'm here. Somewhere. Bored. Awake.

I have my Cellphone right next to my keyboard eagerly awaiting texts.

This is the world we live in.

Some people say that all this technology separates us. Divides us. They say that technology has turned us in to Virtual People. There is even a movie coming out this summer called Surrogates about a possible future in which people don't even leave their living rooms. They just plug into their computer and control a Virtual Self to traverse the world in their places.

I disagree.

There have always been hermits. People who would rather be alone than with others. Technology allows them to do so, while still getting some form of interaction, whether it's through blogging or social networking or even mmorpg's like WoW.

But for me and countless others, this new ConnectedLife is about just that: being Connected, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

i remember the last time i heard your voice. you weren't saying goodbye. you were saying

...


i remember the last time i touched your skin. you were touching mine, too.

...

a new direction
a new way
a new dawn
a new day
a new me
a new you
a new color
a new hue
a new start
a new life


...

I want to create something. I want to be a part of something that's never been done. Never been tried. Never been seen. Never even thought of. I want to take something that's broken and make in whole. Make it new. Make it REvolutionary.


I want to change the world.


Now all I have to do is figure out how...

Woohoo!!!!


I hope.

thoughts and thoughts and thoughts

Smile and the world smiles with you... Frown and... well... you're probably the only one that's miserable.



...



I'm looking forward to life.

...

I can see
by the way you look at me
that you're thinking "we"

...

there's just something about you.... I can't quite put my finger on it.... you're cute beyond cute.

...

i'm dragging my feet

...

play with fire and you Will get burned

...

I swear I only wanted a beer or two tonight, but DB's is so awesome, they just kept bringing me more. Not entire pints... or goblets... but samples... I say I don't really like IPA's and I'm given about five samples of differnt flavored beverages... different strengths.. different levels of Hoppiness... Essentially, five additional shots of beer. None of them particularly weak, mind you.

But anyways... all that hoppiness has got me thinking (and that's usually a dangerouse thing, isn't it?)

Have you ever seen that movie Good Luck Chuck? It's about a guy who appears to be a good luck charm for the ladies... after they sleep with him, the next man they meet is the one that they marry.

Sometimes I feel like that guy. Not exactly, mind you, but in a way...

never mind... I guess this isn't something i really feel like talking about right now. I'm just not exactly sure I can say exactly what I want to say withought farging it up.

...

I'm excited for tomorrow.... for a few different reasons. I'm having dinner with an old friend tomorrow night, and I'm really excited to see her. I think it'll be the first time I've ever hung out with her without the usual TFR crew, so it'll be interesting.... fun, I'm sure, but interesting. Before that, though, on my way home from work, I'm going to stop by and visit a new friend. We'll just have to see how that goes.

In any case... I have to be at work in about 8.5 hours. I realize that's not too bad, but I've pretty much been on the go from 6am until 1am, so I really should crash.

I plan on being asleep within ten minutes of posting this blog.... so... you folks have yourselves a wonderous evening....

The Mysterious Tale...

There was definitely something that I was going to write about tonight...

There's a problem, though.

I have absolutely no recollection what it was.

That happens a lot. I'll be thinking something all day--I'll have the entire blog written out in my mind, and then when it comes time to sit down and write.... it's gone.

I do have a pretty good story that would fill this space quite well, unfortunately it is not one that can be put to print.

No evidence, you see....

So here's what I think should happen.

Let's pretend I told the story. I'll tell you what to do, and you just pretend you read something that would illicit such a response.

Ok.

First... Nod your head slowly, as if you're hearing the beginning of an amusing tale.

Now smile, mildly amused.

Quick! Now look suddenly shocked!

Start to laugh awkwardly....

Gasp in amazement!!!!

Let out a Guffaw! If you have a beverage nearby, take a mouthful of liquid and then either laugh so hard it comes out your nose or it sends a spray across your monitor.

Chuckle as the story winds to an end.

THE END.

I hope you enjoyed... I know I did.