I had a dream last night and it was so incredibly vivid that it still feels real.

I was with Batgirl and Matty and at first we were in some sort of stadium for a concert. Before the show, we kept moving from one set of seats to another, trying to find the best viewing angle. After bouncing back and forth a few times, we ended up getting in trouble by the security people, so we ended up having to run.

So we ran into the heart of the stadium, flying down hallways and bounding down stairs. At some point, we weren't in the stadium anymore.

We were in some sort of hospital.

We made it down to the ground floor and came bursting out of a pair of glass doors.

It was just getting dark outside.

There was about fifty yards of parking lot and then a treeline. All we had to do was make it to those trees and we'd be home free.

We ran.

I heard something behind us.

There were about ten cops, all with guns drawn.

They started shooting.

I yelled for Matty and Batgirl to drop to the ground, and they did.

I wasn't so lucky.

I got shot right in my lower back.

I cried out and slammed to the ground.

I told Matty and Batgirl that I'd thought I'd been shot, and they took a quick peek at my back and confirmed.

The police started shouting something at us.

Matty and Batgirl kept low to the ground and crawled off into the trees, leaving me behind.

The police made their way towards me, cautiously. And slowly. So incredibly slowly. I could feel the blood pumping out of the hole in my back, soaking my shirt.

I closed my eyes and just concentrated on my breathing..... in and out... in and out... there was nothing else in the world except that... in and out....

Finally they made it to me.

They rolled me over on to my back so they could get a look at who I was. Once they saw my face, they realized that they didn't shoot who they thought they did.

At this point, someone else came bursting from those same double doors I had moments earlier. Once again, the police opened fire.

They missed.

All of them.

So they started chasing the person.

In and out.... in and out.... breathing slow and deep... waiting for someone to help me.... I could feel the bullet in my back. I could physically feel it there inside me.

After what seemed like an eternity, a couple of nurses emerged from the hospital with a gurney. They put me on it and wheeled me inside.

I was in a bright white hospital room.

The doctor walked in and said a few things, I don't know what.

All I could feel was the fire in my back.

The doctor made a joke and the nurses laughed, then left the room.

I could feel the doctor's hand on my back, pressing down near where the bullet went in, trying to find where it went.

I opened my eyes and saw who the doctor was.

It was Batgirl.

The nurse at the door, who had brought me in, was Matty.

Batgirl stuck a finger into the hole in my back and pulled out the bullet.

I screamed.

And then I woke up, about ten minutes before my alarm went off.

My back still hurts.

My Fifth Proposal--Revisited

Here's a thing about me that you may or may not have noticed. I always seem to fall in love with the wrong people. Its not that there is anything wrong wtih the people I fall for--not really, anyway. The problem always seems to be when I fall in love with them. My timing is absolutely attrocious and has been my entire life.

I fell in love with Jackie my freshman year of college. It was 1997. I loved wearing jeans, didn't own a single pair of khaki pants, wore more flannel shirts than polos and wore my Teva sandles no matter what the weather was. Needless to say, I was not looking to impress any ladies at the time. I was all about being with my friends and having a good time. I made it an entire week at the university before I found someone I wanted to be with. There was one problem, though. Mark found her first.

That's actually how I met Jackie. Mark brought her along as his date to my birthday dinner that year. He had just met her a few days before and thought it would be cool to introduce her to all of our friends at the same time. I almost feel sorry for the girl. You would too if you knew all of my friends, trust me. As it happened, Jackie and I sat next to each other and talked the entire night. At one point, she even said that she was cold, so I took off my flannel and gave it to her to wear.

Needless to say, we hit it off pretty well. Turns out she and Mark did too, though. Not about to interfere with Mark, I accepted my place as Just-a-Friend.

Jackie and I started hanging out more and more as the year went on. I can honestly say that I'm not sure exactly how it started, but to this day I'm glad it did. One night, we found ourselves walking from one side of campus to the other. Instead of heading to our dorms, we just kept going. I have absolutely no idea what we talked about that first night, or any of the thousands of other nights for that matter, but I just know that we kept walking and talking through the night. Actually, what we talked about doesn't even matter. Not in the slightest bit. It was how we felt as we were walking that really mattered. We were free. Free of all our friends, all our families, all our stress and all our worreis. We would talk about whatever popped up be it serious or silly and no matter what, we knew the other person wouldn't judge or make fun--well, ok, so we'd make fun of each other all the time, it was all in good spirit, though.

One day Jackie and I were hanging out in the common area of our dorm, shooting some pool. We did that a lot. Neither of us were very good, but it was right down stairs and it was free. Hard to argue with that. Well, on this particular day, Jackie was telling me about her ex boyfriend from high school. Eventually, that lead us to talk about Mark, which was always a little tricky for me. Afterall, Mark and I had been friends for years and here I was, crushing on his girlfriend. Well, on that particular day, Jackie started talking about how she didn't think that Mark would be able to commit to her.

I had just racked the billiard balls and was about to break when she said that she thought he might dump her.

I looked up from the table and into her eyes and told her that he would be crazy to ever let her go.

She smiled.

Without breaking our eye contact, I sent the cueball flying for my Break. Smack! Crash! And I smiled back. It was perfect. I couldn't have set that situation up better if I tried.

Her eyes darted to the table, then back to me. Then back to the table. Then back to me. And she started laughing.

I looked to the table to find that my break was not as impressive as I'd hoped. I mostly missed. It was actually kind of sad. I started cracking up.

I re-racked and let her break. We finished the game while talking about other things. When we were finished, though, we sat down on a bench near the pool table. We just sat there, not saying much. I looked over my shoulder at her, and she was looking back at me.

I gave her a little half smile and took her hand in mine.

My heart was racing out of my chest.

I couldn't believe what I was doing. I was actually holding her hand. I looked down, just to make sure. Yep. I was holding her hand. Crap. What now?

I looked back up into her eyes and said, If neither of us are married in fifteen years we should so get hitched.

She pulled her hand away from mine and hit me, laughing. At that, we decided to call it an afternoon and went back up to our rooms.

I realize that wasn't much of a proposal, but looking back on it, if she would have said that we didn't have to wait fifteen years, I would have said OK and gotten married on the spot. To this day we are still good friends. She did get married, though. And not to me, so it looks like that ship has sailed.

I do miss our walks, though.

A Little's Enough

I never said that I was perfect. I only said that I would try.

I'm on my knees... whispering please.. please... please don't go.

It feels like we've been here before. standing right where we are.

Looking up at the same bright stars.

I can already see in your eyes that you forgive me for being me

......

....

.

.....

Ok. Enough of that. it's not going anywhere. It feels like I'm broken tonight. The right words aren't coming to me. I can't say whatever it is that inisde me that needs to be said.

I am on fire, though... I can say that. And it would be true. Not in the most literal sense, but in the sense that I'm so freakin' hot that it feels like I could just melt away... I think that's the secret to how I've been losing weight lately... I've been burning everything up. I was wearing a t-shirt when I started typing this.... it has since smoldered away into ashes. And even those ashes are gone now. completely incinerated.

It's kind of scary, actually. I mean, it's just after Christmas and I'm going to have to put on my AC. That's just not right.

....

There are times when I don't know when to stop.

Sometimes I keep going.

I keep doing things

I keep saying things

I keep making tiny adjustments, tiny corrections

Trying to make things just right.

Really, though, most of that isn't necissary.

Most times, a little really is enough.

I think I just inspired myself to stop writing tonight.

Because, really, I could have just said that I loved you and that would have been enough.

Good night, dear reader.... and may you sleep the sleep of children and dream of things for which there are no words.

I can't believe this is all happening.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know... I just don't... I don't know.

Monday was... beyond words.

Like, these are words. Right here. Lots of them. Well, not lots yet... but words nonetheless... now, look twenty feet to the right of these words. That's how beyond words it was.

For serious.

I can honestly say that it was everything I hoped it would be. It's like I can still feel ... well, we won't get in to that.

But then it was over.

And I was driving home.

And I won't see Batgirl again.

I mean, I'll see her again someday... but not for a long while. Months at best. So... I don't know. I mean, I really... but I'm not sure if.... and even if she.... could it really be....? I mean.... argh. I just don't know.

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to be vague and meaningful and emotional and guarded all at the same time? I mean, I want to tell you everything, but I can't. Not right now.

Things need to be settled first.

All in due time, my friends.... all in due time.

One more thing... real quick.. before I go...

I can't stop thinking about Batgirl. it's driving me nuts. :)

I dont' care if you don't... I don't care if you don't.... I don't care if you don't care....
I don't care if you odn't.. I don't care if you don't... I don't care if you don't care...

...

I want a cookie.

Seriously. I do.

A peanut butter cookie.

From Subway.

Not cooked all the way.

But warm.

mmm....

I love cookies.

You know what I miss? I miss Oreos. I do realize that I can just go out and buy some and eat some and they'll be delicious, but it's not the same. So I guess it's not really the Oreo that I'm missing... it's the memories I have of the times I used to eat them as a kid.

Do you remember Jim Henson's Storyteller series? It was on back in '88... That was the year I first moved down to Florida... The show opened with the following line "When people told themselves their past with stories, explained their present with stories, foretold the future with stories, the best place by the fire was kept for... The Storyteller. "



And that's what it was... an old guy and his dog telling stories by a fire. I used to watch it with my dad and sister every week it was on. We would turn off all the lights in the house and then the three of us would pile on the couch to watch. We would each have a mug of cold milk and we would share a box of Oreos.

The show itself was amazing, and, really, so was the experience of watching it as a family.

Good stuff.

It makes me feel all warm inside.

Here, Let me share a bit of it with you before I go to bed...

hmm... it won't let me embed it, so I'll just have to give you a link.

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oF5KBsbSoMg

dragons, popsicles, racecars, christmas trees, hula-hoops, outerspace. ♥

I ask for something to write about and this is what I get. Sheesh. What am I supposed to do with that?

I guess we'll find out....

...

Chip looked over his shoulder and smiled at what he saw. His entire crew was moving so fluidly they looked as if each person knew exactly what the other was thinking. He had trained them for moments just like this, though. Chip began to smile as he felt the air begin to crackle; the tell-tale sign that his ship, The Luku, was about to enter hyperspace. Just a few more seconds and they would be free, just another ship sailing through the infinite depths of outerspace.

Nothing is ever that easy, though, and Chip knew it. His current cargo was worth more than the ship that was transporting it, and the Luku was no cheap freighter. A quick scan of the shps radar showed a slight irregularity moving closer and moving quickly. It could only be Fa' Ching of the infamous Dragons. The way the "irregularity" moved was purposeful, though not direct, so as not to draw attention to itself.

Chip barked orders at his crew and they moved without thinking, without questioning. As the Luku's captain, Chip had brought his crew through many tight spaces and not a single blemish on their criminal records. As a smuggler and a thief, Chip was a legend. As a ship's captain, he was both revered and loved for both his respect for his crew and for his ability to assess a situation and react appropriately before anyone else had even registered the need to act.

....

Yeah, I'm not feeling that space cowboy story. But... for those of you who were in to it, the precious cargo was going to be a racecar stolen from Fa' Ching's private collection. Not sure where I was going to go with that, though. I've never attempted to write anything taking place in space, so... who knows.

...

A quick hop, skip and a jump back to Earth brings us to the next section of this blog.... Many of you know that I've been a little under the weather, lately. That's old news. Well, for some reason, whenever I get sick, everyone I know seems to have the perfect remedy for whatever ails me. The best remedy, suggested to me many times over the years by a friend who shall remain nameless to protect his innocence, is to receieve oral sex. In his words, "Fuck time... It's Head that cures all wounds!" And really, I'm not sure I can argue with that...

I did hear something new this time, though. A friend of mine suggested I grab a combo pack of dayquil and nyquil (which I did) and a popsicle (which I didn't.) Apparently the popsicle is another form of cure-all. I can see how a nice fruity popsicle could help soothe the throat. But for me, whenever I think of popsicles... at least now, I think of this:



And really, I'm okay with that... I just equate popsicles with girls pleasuring themselves.

Huh... Now that I'm thinking about that... I guess I do feel a little bit better.

Guess that works after all.

...

Throughout my life I have has some amazing friends. It's really true. I honestly can't think of a single time in my life that I didn't have at least one friend that I'd take a bullet for. Not in a vital organ or anything, but in an appendage, for sure. Along with those friends have come some pretty amazing families, too. There have even been a couple of families that have taken me in as one of their own.

When I was in Cape Coral, though, my best friend, David's, mom really took me in. They lived just down the street, so I was over there all the time. I remember when I first met them. It was before they'd actually moved in to the neighborhood. David and his mom were in the neighborhood visiting her sister, and I saw them sitting outside one day. I'd never seen this new kid before, so invited him to come play with us down at the tree-fort. His mom said it was okay, so he came with. We ended up back at his aunt's place later that afternoon where his mom made us lunch. I must have made quite the impression, because I was invited over to their place the next weekend.

Not long after that, they moved in to the house at the end of my block. I spent so much time there over the next few years, it was kind of ridiculous. To this day, David's mom is the only parent of a friend that I call by her actual name. Every other parent of a friend I call Mr or Mrs Whoever. But David's mom was Jane.

I still remember what it was that really made me feel a part of that family, though. It was the first year they lived in the neighborhood. Christmas. Not too big of a deal for me... you know, being Jewish and all... but Jane invited me over to help decorate their Christmas tree. I'd never done that before, so I said sure. The three of us threaded popcorn onto fishing line, strung lights in neat circles around the tree and placed ornaments in a way that would look both random but also with purpose. By the end of the night, the tree looked perfect. Or so I thought. Jane brought out the final ornaments. The first was one that she made when she was in first grade, the second was one that was given to David by his grandparents for his first Christmas, and the third was one that she made for me for my first Christmas with them.

I decorated their tree with them every year after that. Even my Junior year of high school when David and I weren't as close as we had been before, I got the phone call letting me know it was time to decorate and I was there to do it.

...

awww... that was nice. I hate to follow that up with a trite story about hula-hoops. 'Though I do have a fond memory of a hula hoop contest during Project Graduation.... but it's just not the same.

Anyways, It's quite warm here, so I think I'm going to close up the windows and turn on the AC. In December. Sheesh.

You are a butterfly. Beautiful, precious and unique unto yourself.

Beauty is such a strange beast, though. It means so many different things to so many different people. And really, I'm just one person, but it means so many different things to me, too.

There is so much beauty in the world and there is so much beauty in ourselves and in each other, we just have to choose to see it.

I'm not saying that there aren't ugly things or ugly people... I'm just saying that sometimes we have to look past all the ugliness in the world and focus on the beauty.

Recently, I was told that I am in love with love.

I can't agree more.

Nothing in this world makes me happier than being happy.

Strange, I know, but it's true.

Right now, you make me happy.

You really do.

And I love you for that.

In the past, there's always been one big thing that's driven me over the edge from Like to Love, whether it was a love of baseball, a wild nature or just the way she fit in my arms... there was always that one thing that did me in.

Here's the thing about you, though.... there is no one thing.... there are just so many tiny things that make you perfect. I'll spare you the "How doth I love thee, let me count the ways" speech, but it's defitely there.

I can barely even open my eyes right now. I should just post this before it's too late, even though it seems like such a week place to end off.

Don't worry, though! I'll be back soon enough....

mama she told me to watch out for girls like you
she warned me, yes, she told me just what to do
she told me just what to say, she taught me how to leave
she told me just what would happen if i wore my heart on my sleeve

...

I close my eyes and I see a snapshot of you and me together and we're happy. we're so happy. You can see the sky behind us and it's so blue. deep blue. and there is this one thin line of clouds and they are so very white. Not enough clouds to ruin the day. Just one thin line making it's way across the sky, giving shade only to those who need it.

...

I close my eyes and I see a snapshot of you. It's from before we met. you say you odn't remember where its from, but the way I've seen you look at that picture, I know you do. You're not smiling. Your friends tell me that you smiled a lot back then... but in this pcture, you're not. This picture is the truth. No guards, no walls, just you and the camera.

...

I close my eyes and I see a snapshot of myself from just before we met. I have a slight smile on my face, like I almost know what is about to happen... but the smile also shows that I'm not ready for it. For how strong it will be. For how fast it will hit me. I'm on the verge of being happy and I don't even know it.

...

I think I thought I saw you there

...

when I was surrounded by the world around me you were the only one who saw me who helped me who saved me... you reached out through the crowd and took my hand and guided me through the madness and your smile kept me warm and your arms kept me safe and your love kept me alive.... while everything was stacked up... stacked against us... you carried us through... i was weak.. and now i'm strong... and now it's my turn... it's my turn.. it's my turn to love you... i will hold you tight and i won't let go... i won't stop even if you're telling me no.... i'll see you through to the other side... and if you don't want me then... if you don't need me then.... then at least i've paid my debt to you.... when you're surrounded by the world i will be there to help you and hold you and save you... i'll reach out through the crowd and take your hand and guide you through the madness....

...

maerd ot peelsa

Mmmm...

Yeah.

That's it.

Right there.

ooooh.

That's the song I wanted to hear. Perfect timing. I think it, and then it plays. I think I just had an eargasm.

But that's not really what I'm here for. I'm here, writing, for two reasons... the first of which is because of have nothing else to do right now. Sad, I know. The second is becaues I did something last night that I haven't done in a long, long time.

I slept in my bed.

Weird, right? Well, for you it's weird because most people sleep in their beds. It's what beds are for. Well, for sleeping and for fu... well, you know, doing the nasty. For me it's weird because I haven't slept in my bed since... well... since the first day I talked to Her.

I'm not sure if the two are related. I mean, it's not like after that first conversation I was like, I can never sleep in this bed again! But for some reason, when I went to bed, I couldnt' fall asleep... so I moved to the couch. The next night, same thing. So the next night, I just fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. Same the next night... and the next...

And then we were talking so late that, by the time we were ready for bed, I was too tired to get up and would just sleep where I lay.

And then, even on the nights we went to bed early (relatively speaking, of course) or even the nights we didn't talk at all, I would sleep on the couch.

Granted, I have a very comfortable couch and just a so-so bed... but still. That's weird, isn't it? Two months or so without sleeping in my bed?

I think part of the problem is that the bed seems so empty with just me in it. I realize how sappy that sounds, but... it's true. How could I go from spending hours talking to Her about everything under the sun to that cold, empty bed?

Answer: I couldn't. So I didn't.

Until last night.

Last night, I needed my bed.

On Sunday I started to feel sick... my throat was hurting, my head was hurting, my nasal passages felt like a freeway in nyc at 4.30 on a friday afternoon. Then... I didn't go to sleep. Not until 9am, anyways. When I woke up at 11am, my entire body hurt. every muscle. every bone. every nerve. everything. I braved the day, though... for a few hours, anyways. then I came home and napped... woke up, made dinner, went to the store to buy some nyquil/dayquil and then napped again. Woke up for a few hours, talked to some peeps for a bit, then took a nyquil.

I was so hot.

I was sweating.

I took a quick shower and crawled into my ice cold bed, wrapped myself in a blanket, curled into a ball and slept until morning.

mmm... bed.

I haven't decided if I'll go back to it tonight.

We'll just have to wait and see if She shows up.

I'm pretty sure She won't... at least, not until I'm already asleep.

Five more days.

I think it might be Slideshow time.

Then maybe a movie...

And then sleep... somewhere.

That is all I have to say right now.

Actually, that's not true. There's more. And my lunch has about 20 more minutes in the oven, so I may as well utilize the time to express some emotions.

It feels like I'm falling.... Actually, no... I can't keep my eyes open anymore... I think I can get a five minute nap in before lunch... I'm going to give it a shot.

Oh, and, I miss you too, babe, and I can't wait to fight my way through that thorn bush

Shut your eyes, I'll spin the big chair

And you'dd feel dizzy, light and free

Falling gently on the cushion

You can come and sing to me...

It happened again. I swear I didn't mean it to, but it did. You do the tiniest thing and I fall in love with you all over again.

It didn't even take a full twenty words.

But... ... .. . .. ... ... yeah. The words seemed to fall down on me and fall down in to me and wrap themselves around me and around my heart, to keep it warm and safe and loved.

Okay... I've become hopelessly distracted. I may or may not get back to this later....

was completely distracted.... but it happened againd and again and again....

I woke up completely drenched in sweat. Its so cold in the room, though, that I'm shivering even though it feels like my entire body is burning up. I've been awake for almost an hour, but the dream is still with me, seeping out every pore as my body tries to cleanse itself.

It started off so well, too. I thought it was going to be a happy dream.

We were together. At last. Driving together in a strange city, I'm not sure quite where. We were talking just loud enough to be heard over the rain rap-tap-tapping on the winshield about the most trivial things. Her hand was resting on mine and just the feel of her touch sent electricity up my arm. My eyes were locked on the road as I tried to navigate the strange roads in the rain, but I could hear in her voice that she was smiling.

Everything was gold. Solid gold.

We pulled off the road when we saw a large white building, thinking it would be a good place to keep out of the rain for a little while. That was not a good idea. It turns out the building was an abandoned hospital and we met up with a group of pretty young people who were planning on spending the night there. That's right. Commence cheesy horror movie.

One by one the pretty young people were killed by a mysterious stranger. Running. Screaming. Hiding. We stayed together, though, She and I. We never left each other's side as we fought for survival. We saw some horrible things happen to some very pretty people, but we were powerless to stop it, we could only save ourselves.

I'll skip over the gory details, so let's fast forward to the end of the dream...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We are the only two left alive. Everyone else who stepped foot in the hospital was dead and, in many cases, in several pieces. We had made it to the roof, though, and started climbing down the fire escape so that, finally, we would be free of the nightmare. We slowly crept down, step by step, being so careful that we wouldn't be spotted by the killer. Finally, our feet hit the dirt outside the hospital. We're almost free. I take her in my arms and we kiss, so thankful to be alive.

Stealthily, we make our way to the car. As we get close, though, we can alerady tell that something is wrong. The doors are covered in bloody handprints. We sneak closer. Closer. Closer, so that we can get a better view. About fifty feet from the car, we can see that there are two people sitting in it.

Our only way out, blocked by, what turns out to be, two killers working in tandem. I pick up the biggest stick I can find to use it as a weapon so that we can finally escape. She was one step behind me as we made our way closer. Fourty feet.... thrity feet... twenty feet... ten.... and that's when we saw them.

Their clothes were torn. They were covered in blood. A large knife lay on each of their laps as they just sat in the car tending to each others wounds.

We stopped dead in our tracks, our breath caught in our throats as we waited for the killers to turn so we could see their faces. After a few minutes that seemed like hours, they did. I heard a scream behind me, but I couldn't make a sound. I just stood up and stared. My stick--my weapon--fell from my hand.

The killers looked at us and just smiled. The faces so familiar, but twisted with pain and hatred.

It was us.

We were the killers.

I turned back to make sure She was ok. To hold her. To tell her that I loved her. But she was gone.

I turned to face the car and looked into my own eyes. I clenched my eyes closed, hoping that when I opened them, it would all be over.

I could feel her hand close around mine and she whispered in my ear that it was all going to be ok. Slowly, I opened my eyes and found that I was back in the car. I looked outside and there was nobody there.

I closed my eyes again and sighed. Had any of that actually happened? I turned to face her. She was covered in blood. So was I.

We were the killers.

And that's when I woke up. I need to take a shower. I feel dirty.

Two Part Blog

Twice I turn my back on you

I fell flat on my face but didn’t loose

Tell me where would I go

Tell me what led you on I’d love to know

Was it the blue night

Gone fragile

Was it both men

In wonder steady gone under

Was it the light ways

So frightening

Was it two wills

One mirror holding us dearer now

Thought I had an answer once

But your random ways swept me along

Colossal signs so I got lost

With so many lovers singing soft

Was it the blue night

Gone fragile

Was it both men

In wonder steady gone under

Was it the light ways

So frightening

Was it two wills

One mirror holding us dearer now

***

Okay... So I was going to make this a two part blog tonight... the first being what I posted above... The video for and the lyrics of the song Twice by Little Dragon... and the second part was going to be from me.

But nwo that I'm sitting here in front of my keyboard with a blank screen in front of me I just can't think of anything to say... so I'll leave you with another song:

Love of mine some day you will die

But I'll be close behind

I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white

Just our hands clasped so tight

Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black

And I held my toungue as she told me

"Son fear is the heart of love"

So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see

From Bangkok to Calgary

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down

The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about

Cause we'll hold each other soon

The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Then I'll follow you into the dark

***

I hate to say it... but I think I may have fallen in love with you today. I can't quite say what it was, but the thought of not being with you suddenly became too much to bear.

If only...

If only...

If only....

The Power

For those of you who don't already know, I am terrified of heights. I'm not sure why, exactly... I just always have been. I'm okay in airplanes.... I love flying... but when it comes to lookin gover ledges or being up on ladders, I start to sweat. My knees get weak. I start feeling lightheaded. It's not good. Not good at all.

Well, there was a period of time my senior year of high school that I was sort of seeing this girl. I mean, I was definitely seeing her... it's not like she was invisible or anything like that... and we hung out a lot for a period of time... mostly at night... kind of like dating... except that I only kissed her once, so it was more like we were friends.

Anyways... The fact that I hung out with a girl and wasn't really dating her wasn't what I meant to talk about. I was talking about my insane fear of heights. So, I know you're wondering why I bring the girl up. Well, I bring her up because of where we used to hang out. The Midpoint Bridge.

That doesn't mean anything to most of you, so let me fill you in on what that is... There's a river that separates the city I'm grew up in from it's neighbor. There used to be two bridges that connected them. One was on the very south end of town, the other at the very north. After 20 years of debate, they finally started construction on a bridge in the middle during my senior year of high school.

Well, one night we were looking for something to do, so we went to this park that was just next to where the city was building the bridge. We wandered a boardwalk that extended over the water and just enjoyed each others company. It was nice. Eventually, we'd walked all the trails in the park, so started walking towards the bridge. We found it pretty easy to bypass the baracades meant to keep us away, and made our way to where the bridge ended. We stood there, looking down at the water fifty feet below us.

We sat there, legs dangling off into the air and talked. I put my arm around her to shield her a little from the cold wind and she rested her head on my shoulder. I couldn't tell you what we talked about up there, I just remember that we were up there for hours. We went back, too. Often. We would just sit up there in the cold and stay close to keep each other warm as we talked.

One night I went to the bridge alone. I don't remember why and the reason doesn't really matter, anyway. I went to think about something. I parked my car at the park and walked over. I climbed around the baracades and made my way to the edge of the bridge. Everything was going fine, until I got close enough to the edge to see over it's crest. My heart started beating faster with each step I took towards the edge. At about twenty feet away, I couldn't will my feet to take another step closer. I dropped to my hands and knees and started to crawl. My head started spinning. I couldn't stand back up if I wanted to. When I got about two feet from the edge and I could see almost straight down, my heart just about pounded itself out of my chest. Not even my hands nad knees could support me anymore. I laid down and pressed myself against the concrete. I must have just laid there for about five minutes trying to catch my breath. Slowly... ever-so slowly, I began to shimmy backwards on my belly. When I was well clear of that ledge, I turned msyelf around and crawled another ten feet before I even thought about trying to stand up. As soon as I did get to my feet, though, I ran back down the bridge. I don't think I'd ever been quite so terrified in my entire life.

The funny part was, that bridge never bothered me before. any time I went up there with my friend, I was fine. It's like I completely forgot my fears when I was with her. It was at that moment, when I was standing at the foot of the bridge with my heart still pounding, that I realized how powerful love can be.

And that's something I've never forgotten.

Tool - Stinkfist

Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant over stimu-lation numbs me
but I would not want you
any other way.

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.

I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we'll be
Well upon our way.

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Slip away.

Something kinda sad about
the way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?

How can this mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?

I'll keep digging tillI feel something.
Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. Turn around and take my hand

cherry lips

This blog started out completely different. I was writing about a quick trip down memory lane and then starting thinking about all the things I'm looking forward to.... then, somehow, that got me into thinking about the things that I miss.

I suppose it makes sense. I was thinking about all the things that I had in the past... and then I was thinking about all the things I'm looking forward to in the future... and all that leaves to think about is the present and how it doesn't have any of those things from the past anymore and how it doesn't have any of those things from the future yet.

Some days the present just seems so empty.

I realize how depressing that sounds. I just re-read what I wrote, and it certainly isn't full of sunshine. But, then again, it's one a.m.... the sun isn't shining.

I want to go for a walk tonight.

I can't go, though, because I just don't have anyone to walk with.

I know what you're thinking... You're thinking that I'm just sad because I don't have Her here with me. Well, that's part of it, but that's not all of it. These walks of mine aren't all about That. My walks were always about friendship and love and solving life's most inane mysteries and about whatever else happened to come up or be on one of our minds.

I know I've written about my walks before... but I'm going to write about them again for those of you who may have missed the original.

I think the reason I even go for these walks to begin with can be traced back to my sister... namely, when seh came home to visit after she moved out of the house and into the Navy. It always ended up happenning... we'd eat dinner and hang out and talk as a family, and hten when everyone else was asleeep, E and I would get up and walk down to Four Freedom's park and just talk about anything and everything we could think off...

I think I just fell asleep a litle...

Maybe I'll just go the rest of the way.

Me. Only smaller.

Ahh to be young again.

Pre-School.

I don't remember the name of my preschool, I think it had a berry in the name, though... like The Blackberry Academy or something like that. I'm sure I could dig up my diploma if I really wanted to.... actually. One sec. K. Got it. NSUH Preschool in Westbery NY.

Things were so much more simple back then.

Days were shorter. Time went by faster. No cares. No worries that couldn't be taken care of with a little kiss from mom. Sleep came quickly and the day came quickly. Everything in life was an adventure. A walk down the street could be anything from a quick trip to the neighbor's to a safari through the african wilds.

I remember going outside shortly after Hurricane Gloria ripped her way through NY... I was walking 3 houses down to a friend's house... I jumped up into the air, and the wind was so strong that it literally carried me backwards. I yelled for my friend to come outside and we spent the afternoon just jumping up and down being carried by the wind.

One winter day, the same friend and I were playing in the snow. We decided to experiment with it... we were two scientists trapped in a frozen wasteland charged with the lone task of creating a substance that would eat away at the frozen earth, unveiling the life beneath. After hours of experimentation, we discovered a perfect solution to dissolve the snow! Hot, soapy water! We ran around with water guns filled with warm soapy water, shooting snowmen for the rest of the day.

Okay... I'm being told that it's bed time, so I guess I'll leave you folks with that little piece of dave.

Sleep well.

Sleep deeply.

Lie on your back with your legs and arms spread wide and take up your whole bed.

Sleep without caring what tomorrow will bring, just knowing that it will be a grand adventure.

Sleep like you did when you were five.

Sleep and be happy.

small adventures

I want to swim away but don't know how... sometimes it feels like I'm falling in the ocean... let the rain come and take me down... let the hurricane set in motion...

The future is a topsy-turvy place and, really, I'm looking forward to just diving in.

I do that, you know.

Dive in.

To the unknown.

It's kind of funny.... well... I'm kind of funny, I s'pose. I do things, sometimes, that even suprise myself. Sometimes I say things that I nomrally wouldn't say... sometimes I do things that I normally wouldn't do. Sometimes I'm impulsive.

I know.

Hard to believe.

Me? Impulsive?

It's true, though.

Not all the time...

Not most of the time...

But sometimes.

Right now is definitely one of those times. I need to do something. I have that itch.... I don't think I'll go skydiving. I still thing the heights would get to me. I'm not going to go out and buy a new car... I just did that not TOO long ago, and I'm still paying that off. I can't take a vacation, work will not allow for that at the moment, and neither will my bank account (it's too busy prepping itself for all my trips next year.) So, really, I don't know what to do.

I need a little adventure. A baby one. Just a tiny little adventure to hold me until next year's big ones.

Maybe I'll move to Australia. I heard it's nice this time of year....

Lack of Sleep

Oops. I did it again. I was up until just after 6am. I was talking to her, again. Like usual. It was an interesting conversation.

Lots of shit went down.

But I won't get in to that here. Just know that I came out of it just as confused, if not moreso, than I was going in. :)

What I want to talk about right now is a movie I watched yesterday afternoon. Basic Instinct. I'd never seen it before. Never ever. Hard to believe, I know. First off... wow. There was a Lot of sex in that movie. Like... tons. I almost felt dirty just watching it... almost.

Sex isn't the reason I wanted to blog about that movie, though... it was something else. Sharon Stone's character... the main antagonist... she had absolutely no problem using what she knew to get what she wanted. She was the definition of Manipulative.

No diggity. No doubt.

That made me question myself... am I manipulative? Do I say and/or do certain things because I know it will provoke a desired response?

The answer is.... yeah. I do. I totally and completely do.

I had a whole nice long explanation to write here, but I just hit a wall of tired.

Not gonna be able to 'splain myself.

it's all good, though. I think we're straight on that, right?

right.

There's one other thing I want to write about.... but i can't.

So I won't.

Sorry. Time for bed...

You folks sleep well....

On the road again...

I was going through some old pictures and found this one from my last big vacation. I believe this was taken on the road in Utah.

It was beautiful out there.

Serene.

The highway carved through miles and miles of rock and eventually, miles up into the air as we drove through Colorado.

Another window opened up for me today. Not a door, nothing quite like that yet... but definitely a window big enough for me to stick my head out of and smell the saltwater air. Not sure if it's big enough for me to fit through, and I'm not sure if there's a ledge for me to perch on once I'm through...

Right now I'm looking, though, and I sure do enjoy the view.

Something more

It feels like... I don't know what it feels like, but it feels right....

Every time I start to write, I start to think. And every time I start to think, I start to think of you. I know I've said that before, but it's still true. I woke up this morning to the following three thoughts:

Shit, my alarm.

Shit, laundry.

Shit, she's not here.

I turn off my alarm.

I start my laundry.

I check my messages. No texts from her. No emails. No Facebook. But wait. There she is... IM. A nice message essentially wishing me a good night.

I smile, and now I can start my day.

Got to make a plan, Got to do what's right, Can't run around in circles, If you wanna build a life, But I don't want to make a plan, For a day far away, While I'm young and while I'm able, All I want to do is...

is... what? While I'm young and able, what is it that I want to do? Experience life. Not just go day to day to day to day doing the same things over and over again. I want to actually live life. Try new things, meet new people, go to new places... That's why my vacations are so important to me. I live for them. They are my chance to escape my everyday and live a life that isn't normally mine.

My mind keeps wandering. It's too early to blog, especially with no breakfast. I don't have to work for a few more hours and I've got about 45 more minutes 'til my clothes are done in the dryer, so maybe I'll try and catch a few more zzz's....

Oh, and if you're wondering about the building in the photo to start this blog off... it's the Baughman Center on UF's campus. The picture was taken around 2003 or so on one of my many alligator hunts around Lake Alice. For all the things I don't miss, there are one or two things that I miss a lot. That's one of them.

A quickie to be followed with something a bit more...

How can I be expected to just pop on line and write a masterpiece every night? Seriously? I only have so many stories to tell... so many things to complain about... I only have so much enlightenment that I can share.... but still, you ask for more. After all I've given you, you ask for more.

I'm going to start tonight's blog by dipping in to the mailbag and answering a question from a reader.

Dear Dave. Just Dave, How do you do it? How do you write such personal things for all the world to see? How do you write about people you know are going to be reading? - Your Only Reader

Well, Reader, it's really quite simple. You asked 3 questions there, so I'll answer each one. The first, 'How do you do it?' Well, that's a little personal, but I like to finish off with my signature move, "The Nip-Tuck." Unfortunately, I can't go in to details, since the patent is still pending, but let's just say that it works every like a charm.

The second question was "how do you write such personal things for all the world to see?" Easy Peasy... Some people see therapists to help them work through their problems, other people take medications, others just take drugs. I write. It's how I stay as close to sane as I do. It's cathartic. And as for doing it in public, well, I can be a bit of an exhibitionist at times. Oh, the things I've done on the F in the middle of Florida Field... but that's a whole different story. I get off a little on knowing that other people can see my thoughts and emotions... plus I think it's pretty cool that people care enough to read... a bit of an ego boost for me.

Okay, the third and final question was about writing about people when I know they will read it. Well, honesty is the best policy, right? It's not like I have anything to hide from anybody, and if I'm perfectly OK putting it all out there for a complete stranger, why wouldn't it be OK to have someone I care about read those same words? It's just who I be.

Stranger in a strange land...

Blogspot, huh? Like I really need someplace new to write... I do like how this is organized, though, and that's why I'm giving it a try. All of my recent digging through my old blogs was driving me crazy.

Now that I'm here, though, I really can't think of what to say. I am without words. A very odd place for me to be. Let me explore a little... see what fun I can have....

Looks like I can add images pretty easily. That's cool.

I told someone today, about how I became Dave, The Man Of Steel. We were talking about embarassing stories. She told me about being drunk at a wedding and attempting to take a sip from a chocolate fountain. I told her about how I broke my arms. I'm not really sure if that counts as Embarassing, though... I think it does. I have reminders of that event for life, though. The scar on the outside and the plate and screws on the inside. It's more than just that, though. My wrists still hurt sometimes. The doctor told me that if I didn't have the surgery, I would be in pain all of my life. Well, I did the whole surgery thing and I still hurt today for no apparent reason. Bummer.

So, what else can this blogspot do for me? It definitely has more options than any of the other places I've tried.... 'though my text does not seem to be wrapping around my photo like I'd hoped. But apparently that's only because the photo I chose has an unreasonable amount of white space beneath it. Not sure I noticed that before.

National Chompions. I'll never forget how much fun that night was. Tijuana Flats. $3 Pitchers of Amberbock... started playing Asshole at around noon... game didn't start until 8pm... I called the score at 42-14. They scored that first quick touchdown and everyone was silent. There was an Ohio fan at my table. She left before halftime. The riot in the street after the game was amazing. There were people in the trees and on the rooftops. There were cars parked in the middle of the road, blocking traffic, blasting music. People were dancing in the streets. It was amazing.

Okay, enough reminiscing for one night... Time to get some food before She gets back to her place.