gudnite

i looked up into the stars in the sky
and i started to wonder why
...
i think there's hope with this one yet
...
i still think that, maybe... just maybe
...
tomorrow is halloween... maybe i'll take off my mask for just one night
...
today isn't even halloween, but already the parties have started... I've already seen a slutty french maid, a slutty cat, and a slutty pirate. it's almost a shame i won't be out partying tomorrow night.
almost.
...
the new wolfmother cd makes me think of black sabbath. i think if i were high it would be a totally different, wonderous event
...
i
just
think
that
...
the air around me is cold
so cold
but there's a warmth
in your touch
and in your words
i just can't wait
to feel you next to me
i just can't wait
to see you again
i just can't wait
i just can't wait
everyone around me is so cold
so cold
i need your warmth
i need your touch
i need your words
i just can't wait
i just can't wait
i just can't wait
...
there must be something about us
something normal
something normal
there must be something about us
it feels so normal
it feel so normal
my heart it travels through time
this isn't normal
i know its not normal
my heart, it travels though time
i know it's not normal
there's so much out there
and it absorbs us
why can't this be normal
my heart, it travels though time
there must be something about us
it feels so normal
...
no longer no longer
what you ask
strange steps
bring us back
those cinders,
they splinter
and strike a match
strange steps
take us back
take us back
so sweetly
you held me
you suddenly complete me
you suddenly complete me
...
i saw you, today.
you smiled at me.
you didn't mean for me to see it
but i did.
and i smiled back
...
there's no story tonight. i'm sorry. these are just words and thoughts and what i feel right now. right htis second.
and no
i'm not drunk.
i know that's what you think when i write like this
but it isn't always true
sometimes
but not all times.
tonight i'm just.... thinking
of what might be
of what i want to be
of what probably won't be
but,. i gutess we'll jsut see...

until then, though

good night, dear reader, good night.

Boots

I think I must have been, like, 12 years old or so... I was in NYC with my dad and my sister. We were doing the whole 'tourist' thing on a summer vacation. We did it every year. We'd spend almost the entire summer in Jersey visiting my Aunt (and spending a few weeks in Brooklyn with my Grandmother) and we'd take a day to spend in The City.

That particular year, though, we were doing a little more shopping than usual. The usual being none at all. Maybe it had been a good spring for my dad and he had a little extra green in his pocket, I don't know. Either way, though, when we'd be in a store asking for something, where he would normally say NO, he was saying YES.

The only store I actually wanted anything from was some gian Army Surplus Store. I didn't even know they had those in the city, but there it was. I got a pretty sweet pair of camo pants. They were tear resistant. I remember that. I put those pants through hell over the next few years and they withstood the test of time. and puberty.

That wasn't the prize, though.

The real prize was a pair of Paratrooper Boots. I didn't know paratroopers had special boots, but apparently they do. and they were badass. and they fit. they were used, so they had that I've-been-through-more-battles-and-seen-more-things-than-you-ever-will look to them and i loved them.

if i had those boots now, i'd wear them.

well, not those exact boots. a larger version of them that fit, though. those i'd wear.

those were some badass boots.

quips and quaps

i'm not sure if you feel a spark, but i feel fireworks when i think of you
...
the world is sickSICK;
so kiss me quick.
...
You're
the
only
one
I
miss
...
i wonder what we have when we're not pretending
...
Don't ask what the meaning of life is.
You define it.
...
I can conquer the world with one had as long as you are holding the other
...
you make me really confused.
you make me doubt my emotions.
i don't know what to do.
...
BEAUTY is in yoru soul, your heart and your mind. the beauty of the unseen is far greater than that of the skin.
...
the worst mistake you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room.
...
the reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was
...
whatever you want to do, do it now. for life is time and time is all there is.
...
you're the one i think about before i go to sleep. i look at the clock, waiting for 11:11 so i can wish for you.
...
you be the sun
i'll be the moon
-just let your light
come shining through;
and when night comes,
just like the moon,
i'll shine the light
right back to you.
...
nothing of me is original.
i am the combined effort of everybody i've ever known.
...
i don't know where i'm going, but i promise it won't be boring
...
believe nothing,
no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if i said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
...
in all this chaos i find safety with you
...
you will Always drive me crazy. i mean that in a good way.

sunlight bright upon my pillow
lighter than an eirdown
will she let the weeping willow
wind his branches round

Julia dream
dreamboat queen
queen of all my dreams

every night i turn the light out
waiting for the velvet bride
will the scaly armadillo
find me where i'm hiding

Julia dream
dreamboat queen
queen of all my dreams

will the misty master break me?
will the key unlock my mind?
will the following footsteps catch me?
am I really dying?

Julia dream
dreamboat queen
queen of all my dreams

i dream in technicolor
but i live in black and white

when i close my eyes
everything is real

your voice
your touch

everything

the world is alive

and then

when i'm awake

everything is
what it is

the rain came down
and washed me away
it washed me away
and took me to a place
so far from home
...
I'm trying to picture my house.
My eyes are closed right now.
My first thought, when I think about "my house" is my first house.
Long Island.
When I lived there it was such a big house. Two stories. The downstairs had a living room, a dining room, a kitchen and a den. The basement was divided into two huge open spaces. One area was the laundry room, and the other was just an open space. At some point my sister and I turned it from a storage place to a place for us to hang out / play. Then there was the upstairs. Three bedrooms and one and a half bath up there. As you reached the top of the stairs, my sister's room was to the right and the bathroom was across the hall from her. Keep going to the end of the hall and you have the master bedroom (my mom's room) on the right and my room on the left. The place was huge.
Was.
When I went back a few years later, all I could think was how small everything looked.
I guess it's really all about perspective. It WAS huge when I lived there. It wasn't just that I was smaller. That house was my whole life back then. Over the 3 years between visits, a lot had changed. The world changed. It grew from that one house on that one street to the entire east coast.

The next house I think of is The House. College. The crazy druggies folowed by the best friends. It was an older house. Definitely well lived in. We had some very good times in that house. The House.

The next house on the list is the one we bought. We searched all of Gainesville before we found something that ws right. And it was definitely right. And it was ours.
And then it wasn't.

Now I want to build a house of my own. I'm prety sure it's a pipe dream for right now, but I still want to try.
I'm not talking about building it by hand... 'thought I do think that would be pretty cool... I want to design a house and have it built.
I can't picture this one in my head just yet. I spent a good chunk of the evening looking at all these modern home designs. I love how open they are.
I love how simple they are.
I just don't love how expensive it would be to do what I want to do.
I don't want to do anything cookie cutter, I know that.
I want something that is unique.
Something that is mine.
Something clean
and clear.
natural.
In one iteration from earlier, it was a two story house. On the first floor were the two guest bedrooms and a kitchen that opened up into a large living room as if it were just a natural extension of the same space. There was a spiral staircase leading to the second floor, which was a loft, open to look over the living room. The wall opposite the loft stretched from the floor on the first level to the roof, and was completely glass, so it didn't matter whether you were in the kitchen, living room or bedroom, you could see straight out to the rest of the world. Which would be great if it were overlooking the water or in a secluded wood... but in a run of the mill neighborhood? I don't think so....

Anyways... I'll do some research to see what I can afford tomorrow... in the meantime, though, I'm off to bed.

Tell me who's the one you love the most?
When you close your eyes
Dreaming of a tropical sunset
Who's the one holding your hand?

I can see you there standing next to me.

I can hear your voice whisper in my ear.

unknown

unknown

i live in the unknown

the world around me

a complete mystery

your eyes

straight to my heart

your voice

rings in my ears

it could have been anyone

could have been a woman or a man.

must have swept her away

made her forget who i am.

it could have been anyone

could have slipped me a drug.

must have been a permanent dose

to make me forget who she was.

it could have been anything

could have been the time we spent alone.

maybe too much time together

maybe too close to the bone.

it could have been anything

any word i might have said.

just a look i might have given just the angle of my head.

but we come we go.

we say that we know.

but we don't remember

and we don't remind each other.

we come we go.

we say that we know.

but we don't remember.

no we don't recognize each other.

it could have been anyone

any rumor passed around.

someone made her doubt me

made her head for higher ground.

it could have been any gesture or word.

maybe something i misstated

something she misunderstood (i would).

we come we go.

but we don't remember.

and we don't recognize

that maybe this time things might work out right.

maybe this time she might catch my eye.

maybe something

anything

could strike me blind

and i might remember her

and she might remember me

this time.

it could have been anyone

anything

the ring around her finger.

it could have been anything

any piece that's shattered on the way.

it could have been anything

anyone

she'll take another lover.

it could have been anything

anything

anything

anything.

we come we go.

but we don't rememeber.

and we don't recognize each other.

i close my eyes and i can see the future.
and tomorrow looks just like today.
i open my eyes
and the room is still dark
i sit up and look around
her name slips from my lips
just a whisper in the dark.

...

her: well, i'm not shy around you. was i ever?
me: i never really knew you until recently... but no, i suppose you haven't been shy.

...

every time i get knocked down, i get back up... what happens when i don't?

...

ok... so... I'm still a little tired from my trip. I should goto sleep.

I don't really want to, though.

I don't really feel like talking, though

or writing.

whatever you want to call this.

I consider this talking.

I mean, I know you're reading it...

And you know that I know you're reading it...

Even if I can't see you read it, I know you're there.

Out there.

Somewhere.

Reading.

So, yeah. I write, you read.

It's like I'm talking to you, and you're listening

in silence.


And it's that silence that's really starting to get to me.

So it's off to bed with me...

lost

alone

and scared

but Alive

and hopeful

and knowing that tomorrow will be here before i know it.