Beauty.

Wow.

I had always heard that your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die.

First of all, that second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time...

For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars...
And yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined my street...
Or my grandmother's hands and the way her skin seemed like paper...
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's new Firebird...

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...

And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but Gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure... But don't worry...

You will someday.

and it rained down
a most curious
shade of
blue.
dreaming of the times that i was with you.
i can still taste
the sweetnes of your lips
and feel your kin under
my
fingertips.
every word
every day
every hour
of every day

Phoenix - If I Ever Feel Better

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been beried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
a think i don't try to deny
i'd better learn to accept that
there are things in my life that i can't control

they say love ain't nothing but a sore
i don't even know what love is
too many tears have had to fall
don't you know i'm so tired of it all
i have known terror dizzy spells
finding out the secrets words won't tell
whatever it is it can't be named
there's a part of my world that's fading away

you know i don't want to be clever
to be brilliant or superior
true like ice, tru like fire
now i know that a breeze can blow me away
now i know there's much mroe dignity
in defeat than in the brightest victory
i'm losing my balance on the tight rope
tell me please, tell me please, tell me please....

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
i can lean on with my friends
they help me going through hard times
but i'm feeding the enemy
i'm in league with the foe
blame me for what'sw happening
i can't try, i can't try, i can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
if happiness came i miss the call
the stormy days ain't over
i've tried and lost now i think i pay the cost
now i've watched all my castles fall
they were made of dust, afterall
someday all this mess will make me laugh
i can't wait, i can't wait, i can't wait...

If i ever feel better
remind me to spend some good itme with you
you can give me your number
when it's all over i'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
i ain't even playing my own game
the rules have changed, well i didn't know
there are things in my life i can't control
i feel the chaos around me
a thinkg i don't try to deny
i'd better learn to accept that
there's a part of my life that will go away

dark is the night, cold is the ground
in the circular solitude of my heart
as one who strives a hill to climb
i am sure i'll come through i don't know how
they say an end can be a start
feels like i've been buried yet i'm still alive

i'm losing my balance on the tight rope
tell me please, tell me plesae, tell me please...

if i ever feel better
remind me to spend some good time with you
you can give me your number
when it's over i'll let you know

when it's over i'll let you know

when it's over

i'll let you know

oh how quickly we fall in love
this modern world of quick wit
160 characters or less
semicolon parenthasis
live
love
laugh
next
i don't want what you have
i just want...
i don't know what i want
i just know that i want it
and i'd really like it now
i see you
sitting over there
ribbons in your hair
a smile on your face
and your hand brushes his
and he takes it
and holds it
and you look up
and see me
seeing you

my heart breaks every night i fall asleep without you by my side.

nobody notices the contrast between white on white
...
So... yeah. I'm preparing for the holidays. I know they're a ways away, but they're different for me. The wonders of working in retail. its madness. madness, i say! and when i say that i'm preparing for the holidays, i'm not talking about in a work sense, though i'm doing that too. these next few months are amazing times to work in retail. it's busy beyond belief. that means lots of days running around talking to as many people as possible. keeping the troups going. all in all, just making sure every single person i talk to leaves me with a smile on their face, customer and employee alike. if i manage to do that, the business results will come. they always have and they always will.

here's the hardest part, though.

in order for me to keep everyone else smiling, it means i have to keep smiling myself.

some days its easy.

some days it isn't.

i work so hard to make sure no one can tell if its a good day or a bad day, all they know is that i'm smiling and they are too.

i miss you mom. i miss you dad. i miss you grandpa abah and grandma eemah. i miss you gramma and grampa. i miss you eric. i miss you bob. i miss my family spread around the country. i miss my friends spread around the world. i miss the past and i miss really looking forward to the future.

ok, that last one was a little harsh... it's not that i don't look forward to the future, because i do... but i miss having something definitive in the future to look forward to.

anyways...

these next three months are going to absolutely fly by, but each night is going to feel like an eternity.

good night, dear reader.... good night.