Eff You See Kay

Seriously. wtf is wrong with me? It's like I missed the day in elementary school when they taught you how to cope with life.

I just found out that my X married the guy she started dating a month after we split. Fuck that and Fuck her. Why is she allowed to be happy while to this day I still can't figure out what I want? I just went through a box of old stuff and found a stack of letters and cards she wrote to me. I'm not sure why I kept them all, but I did. Not anymore, though. Gone. Poof. A match and a minute and they're gone. Memories that can't come back.

Argh.

So many things are slowly killing me right now... not the least of which is life.

I miss my dad.

A lot.

Its been 8 long, long years since the last time I said that I love you and you actually heard me. Tomorrow marks 8 years since you died.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss talking to you. You were one of my best friends. you weren't the perfect parent, but you did the best that you could.

I went for a drive earlier today. Sunroof open, windows down. Feeling the cold air rushing around me. I don't know what it is about driving that relaxes me, but it does.... it lets me escape. The faster I go the better. That feeling of being so close to the edge of control, the speedometer slowly creeps up. eighty then ninety. one hundred miles an hour and the wind screams in my ear. one hundred ten, then twenty miles an hour. the air so cold it stings.

I tear down my rearview mirror because I'm tired of looking back.