it could have been anyone

could have been a woman or a man.

must have swept her away

made her forget who i am.

it could have been anyone

could have slipped me a drug.

must have been a permanent dose

to make me forget who she was.

it could have been anything

could have been the time we spent alone.

maybe too much time together

maybe too close to the bone.

it could have been anything

any word i might have said.

just a look i might have given just the angle of my head.

but we come we go.

we say that we know.

but we don't remember

and we don't remind each other.

we come we go.

we say that we know.

but we don't remember.

no we don't recognize each other.

it could have been anyone

any rumor passed around.

someone made her doubt me

made her head for higher ground.

it could have been any gesture or word.

maybe something i misstated

something she misunderstood (i would).

we come we go.

but we don't remember.

and we don't recognize

that maybe this time things might work out right.

maybe this time she might catch my eye.

maybe something

anything

could strike me blind

and i might remember her

and she might remember me

this time.

it could have been anyone

anything

the ring around her finger.

it could have been anything

any piece that's shattered on the way.

it could have been anything

anyone

she'll take another lover.

it could have been anything

anything

anything

anything.

we come we go.

but we don't rememeber.

and we don't recognize each other.

i close my eyes and i can see the future.
and tomorrow looks just like today.
i open my eyes
and the room is still dark
i sit up and look around
her name slips from my lips
just a whisper in the dark.

...

her: well, i'm not shy around you. was i ever?
me: i never really knew you until recently... but no, i suppose you haven't been shy.

...

every time i get knocked down, i get back up... what happens when i don't?

...

ok... so... I'm still a little tired from my trip. I should goto sleep.

I don't really want to, though.

I don't really feel like talking, though

or writing.

whatever you want to call this.

I consider this talking.

I mean, I know you're reading it...

And you know that I know you're reading it...

Even if I can't see you read it, I know you're there.

Out there.

Somewhere.

Reading.

So, yeah. I write, you read.

It's like I'm talking to you, and you're listening

in silence.


And it's that silence that's really starting to get to me.

So it's off to bed with me...

lost

alone

and scared

but Alive

and hopeful

and knowing that tomorrow will be here before i know it.

what is music to you?

is it a reflection of who you are? or you a reflection of what you listen to?

i heard a story once about a surgeon who was struck by lightning. he lived. a few weeks later he had a strong urge to listen to piano music. he had a dream he was listening to piano music that he had written himself. so, he took a few lessons and wrote the song he'd heard in his dream.

How odd is that?

There have been studies done that show that musical training increases the connectivity between both sides of the brain. Does this mean that teaching kids how to play music can make them smarter? I mean, just think of how structured music is and what that kind of training would prepare you for...

I dunno... just something to think about.

Mind you, I have no musical training and I'm a fucking genius.

I'm just see through faded, super jaded, out of my mind

Loke the coldest winter chill, heaven beside you, hell within

...

My fingers feel like weights on the keyboard. I want to write. My brain is whirring... but... my fingers aren't moving.



well, they are right now.. but barely.



mostly they're just sitting on the home keys.



my b.
...
ok. it's the next day. all that stuff before this was written yesterday. I usually delete that crap, but this time I just closed out of it and somehow it got saved, so consider this Part B.

.... I still don't know what I want to say right now, though.

I am rather uninspired.

I need a story.

A good story.

I mean, tonight there was the thing with Obama's engineer... but... no... and there was the one about the chick who wanted someone, anyone, so badly that she was flirting hardcore with anyone within reach, including both Tom and a 50 year old guy telling stories about how he saved small children from a burning orphanage.

those aren't Inspired stories, though....

I could tell the tale of DB's... where half the employees know me by name. I met a new waitress tonight... I forgot her name, but she's only been in the States for about a year now, and she was amused when I told her the only german I knew was Ich Leibe Bumson. The spelling might be off, but she got the gist of it when I said it. She was mildly amused.

really, though... that's about it.

I think maybe i should just go to sleep and let tomorrow bring its own adventure, no matter how large or small.

so, dear reader, i wish you a good night and dreams so sweet they give you cavities.

I remember the first time we slept together. Well, that's not quite right... I didn't sleep at all that night. I set it up perfectly, though. We went for a walk, late at night. That wasn't unusual for us. That was actually kind of Our Thing. We would meet up around 11pm or so and walk around campus and talk and do all sorts of random things like sneak in to random building and write positive messages on classroom chalkboards.

On that particular night, though, when I walked her to the door I suggested we watch a movie before calling it a night. The Princess Bride. Who could say no to that? We sat on her couch and started watching. It wasn't long before we were both out cold. The voice of Miracle Max woke me up, so I watched the rest of that scene ("Everybody knows ‘to blave’ means ‘to bluff’...") and then woke her up.

We were both exhausted and half asleep. I was in no condition to walk to my dorm room even though it was just about a hundred feet away.

I suggested she let me just sleep with her.

It was the only logical thing.

She thought about it.

She said yes.

We made our way to her room and slipped in to her bed.

She was out immediately.

I propped myself up on one elbow and looked over at her, watching the slow rise and fall of her chest as she slept so peacefully.

I'm not sure how long I watched her there, but finally I let my head rest on the pillow next to hers and closed my eyes.

The bed was a twin, so our bodies were pressed up against each other. I could feel her body move with each breath she took. I could also feel my own heart pounding in my chest.

I was there.

In her bed.

Having her so close just felt right.

I realized my eyes were open again.
I forced them shut.

Tried to stop thinking of her.

Tried to stop thinking at all.

It didn't work.

It never does.

My arm was asleep.

Holy crap.

Pins and needles! Pins and Needles!!!

Weight shift. Move the arm. Maybe I should roll over. Shit. Wall. Damn twin size dorm beds! Ok, I can do this. Prop myself up, twist. Shit. The covers. Ok... roll over. Reach back over and make sure she's covered. Ok. Shit. She moved. Where'd the pillow go? Shit. Ok. I can prop my head on my arm. She moved closer. If I move my arm I'm going to elbow her. Possibly in the face. That would Not be good. Ok. Maybe I can push her over. Gently. Very gently. Ok. Maybe not. Roll back over. She's so cute. Her hand reaches out and I take it in mine. It is cold. Very cold. How can her hands be this cold? Now my hand is cold. Great. Her cheeks are red. I want to lean over and plant a kiss on one of them. She's still sleeping, though, that would be weird. Maybe she'd like being woken up by a kiss, though. No. She has to be awake for our first kiss. That would be too weird. Way too weird. What was that? There's a light coming from under her door. Did her roommate hear us? Does she know I'm here? Have I met her roommate before? Wait. Yes I have. She was nice. She rolled over! yes! More room! Now I can... wait... no... she's back. I love the way no matter how's she's laying down she manages to press her legs against mine. They're not cold at all. I want to kiss her so badly right now. Can I wake her up and then kiss her? Would that be weird?

... Ok... So you get the point. It was a long night. When she woke up and went to class, I went back to my place and slept all day.

And speaking of sleeping... I think I'm going to try and do that now.

There's no one in bed with me, so it shoudn't be quite that hard to fall asleep... wish me luck!

I'd post this, but my internet appears to be down. Shit. This happens WAY too often.

good night good night

Why is it that i can rarely fall asleep when I want to anymore? I missed the opening drive of the Giants game tonight because I was passed out on the couch... but now that I'm lying in bed ready for sleep I'm writing this. It's not like my nap was all that long. Twenty minutes tops. And I know that wasn't enough to really refresh me. I mean, I was pretty freakin tired... Although, based on my current level of awakitude, it must have been enough.

sigh.

Maybe if I start to use some ancient relaxation techniques I'll be able to just zone out until I'm no longer awake. Do you think that'll work?

I don't.

It rarely does... But here's what I try. I find a nice, comfortable position. Close my eyes. Take a deep breath. let it out slowly. take another. and out. Now I focus my mind on my feet, I tense those muscles for just a second, and then let them relax. then move to my calves. tense and release. quads. tense. release. and slowly work through every muscle... even my fingers...

but like i said... that almost never works... so maybe just the blog. which, I s'pose, is just a tense and release of the brain muscles.

you folks have a good night.

I'm going to listen to some Zooey Deschanel.

mmm....

zooey.

The Crane Wife

And under the boughs unbowed

All clothed in the snowy shroud

She had no heart so hardened

All under the boughs unbowed

Each feather, it fell from skin

'Til thread bare while she grew thin

How were my eyes so blinded?

Each feather, it fell from skin

And I will hang my head

Hang my head low

And I will hang my head

Hang my head low

A gray sky, a bitter sting

A rain cloud, a crane on wing

All out behond horizon

A gray sky, a bitter sting