she cuts like a knife

I always swore I'd never be that guy

that you'd never see me on my knees

but last night you had me begging, baby

you had me begging please please please

I just don't know what came over me

the minute you said that you wanted to leave

I couldn't bring myself to even breathe

...

the last time i felt this way was... umm... well... yesterday.

imagine that.

...

i can hear your voice

calling out my name

it brings me back

i open my eyes

and still feel like i'm in the dream

you run your hand

across my cheek

and what i feel

is definitely

definitely

real

...

I dance a lot when I'm alone

...

I'm looking for my place in this world. trying to figure how i fit into this giant puzzle we call life

...

i dream in black and white, she dreams in pantone

...

if you had to do it all over again, would you?

I wish it were cold outside right now. Like, see your breath cold.
While we're wishing for things, I may as well make it somewhere else... somewhere not tampa. at least, not where I am right now.
I would go for a walk.
that's really what I would do right now.
I'm not tired...
I mean, I am gtired... I'm exhausted... I'm just not sleeping.
I want to thorow on a thick pair of jeans, some nice warm sox, a long sleeved shirt and a nice warm sweatshirt and go for a walk in the biting cold.
I don't want it to be like here... I don't want to walk along a street with way too many cars driving by at 2.30 in the morning.
I also don't want it to be one of those fabled Gainesville walks... I don't want to walk along streets that are usually bustling, but are now empty. Gainesville late at night has that ghost town kind of feel to it. it's very well lit, so sometimes its hard to remember that its the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, I've had some amazing nights walking around that particular ghost town. bringing life to roads and rooms that aren't used to seeing people in the wee hours between dusk and dawn. not sober people, at any rate.
no, that's just not what I'm feeling right now.
If I'm going to take a walk alone in the cold, I want it to be in a place that's meant to be traveled alone. maybe a path cutting through an open field, lit only by the light of the moon and the stars. a cold wind whpping across the empty space. i pull my hat low to cover my ears and i plunge my hands deep into my pockets. I breathe slowly, and every time I exhale I can see the my breath freeze in midair, right befor emy eyes.
There's a forest out to my left. I've been in it many times, but not right now It's just a little too dark to be woandering around in the woods... tonight it's just the path through the fields.

laying here with my eyes closed and a nice mix of phoenix, tegan and sarah, and the yeah yeah yeahs playing on my computer; just laying here thinking of tht walk in the cold has got me feeling more relaxed and more tired than when I started. And really, that was the point.

I'm going o try this whole "sleep" thing all over again one more time....

If i'm not asleep iwthin the next 30 minutes, please, call mr sandman for me and have him send something my way. i'd be much obliged.

something weird is happening....
i just don't know what it is
...
she never saw him coming
and once he was there
there was nothing she could do
...
check once
check twice
be sure
...
there's just something about the taste that i can't get out of my mind
i want it
i need it
i want it
now
please
...
pierce
...
play on, playa
...
kids do the darndest things. today I heard a little boy talking to his dad... the kid said, "Dad, can I tell you a story?" the dad said, "of course." So the kid tells his story, and it went a little somethign like this: "Today, I was walking behind someone."
The end.
That was the story.
The kid looked so proud.
So did the dad.
...
Oh D!
...
If I had to do things all over again, I'd only do them a smidge differently. Just a smidge.
...
If only somebody warned me
...
snakebite

Oh, what a difference a day made...

What a difference a day made

Twenty four little hours

Brought the sun and the flowers

where there use to be rain

My yesterday was blue dear

Today I'm a part of you dear

My lonely nights are through dear

Since you said you were mine

Oh, what a difference a day makes

There's a rainbow before me

Skies above can't be stormy

Since that moment of bliss

That thrilling kiss

It's heaven when you

Find romance on your menu

What a difference a day made

And the difference is you

....

switch you lens and then wait a second.
now shoot.
now from a different angle.
again.
good.

...

listen to the big machine
whatever you do try not to scream
listen to the big machine
and forget about your dream

...

the things we did and the things we said
none of those things
are ever dead

...

stepstepdrop

...

that kiss... that kiss... it all comes back to that kiss... our first kiss... our last kiss...there was a lifetime in that kiss... the cold wind trying to tear us apart, but all it did was force us closer together... every part of you touching every art of me... your lips... so sticky sweet... there was heat between us, during that kiss... enough to keep the whole world warm... there was a lifetime in that kiss... and then it was over... that kiss...

Tonight I am dining on ashes. Feasting on the bittersweet taste of the past and of the future that never will be.

Talking about old friends and old times. Old flames and old fizzles.

Talking about what could have been if only I'd .... or if only she'd.... or if only we'd... but we didn't because we couldn't. Or wouldn't. Looking back its kind of hard to tell which it was. But looking back, it really doesn't matter.

I miss those times. And I miss those friends. And sometimes I think I miss them a little too much. Sometimes it feels like I'm clinging on to those times, trying to recreate them. Trying to re-live them. Trying to stay forever young by association.

Ok. My phone keeps ringing. My Facebook keeps dinging. My eyes keep drooping. Apparently I wasn't meant to blog tonight.

Laila Tov!

Lost and Found

I'm hoping the reason I can't sleep is because I haven't been writing.

Somehow I doubt that's the problem, though.

I think it's because too much of my life is in a state of transition.

Nothing is home.

And frankly, I'm not sure exactly what I want to be home.

A part of me wants to move to California and start over.

Another part of me really doesn't want to start over again. That part likes where I am. That part wants to settle down in this area and really live my life instead of just going through the motions on a daily basis.

I dunno, though....

...

I'm addicted. I can't stop even though I know I should. I don't want to, though.

...

Her words are as soft as her touch, and they both drive me absolutely wild.

...

When are we?

...

For those of you wondering, I did have an amazing time on my birthday. Thank you Gabe, Mike, KT, Maria and Layla for making it a trip I will never forget.

...

We are the Triumverate of Cool.

...

wrap my heart in bands of rosewood

...

I ask myself the same questions over and over and each time i expect a different answer, but each time i only get the truth

...

i close my eyes and feel your hands on my chest, my neck, my face. i kiss your fingertips. I smile and open my eyes, wishing you were here with me

...

I hope I never forget the way it felt to have your lips pressed against mine.

...

I got sidetracked again.

that happens a lot.

...

Is it better to be lost or found?

I'm hoping the answer is Lost, because I haven't been Found in a very, very long time

Ten Million Years

it's such a simple thing.

i never feel this way.

i have nightmares

i have dreams of you gone.

there is something in you i want today.

so hide the bones away beneath the yellow lines.

you're scared of what you lose

or what you might gain this time.

i love you more than i should.

i would wrap my heart in bands of rosewood.

i love you more than i should.

i would stay beside you here ten million years.

you see yourself in the mirror.

you see yourself at night.

you see yourself in the gutter, baby

you see yourself like a star shining bright.

i love you more than i should.

i would stay beside you here ten million years.

every minute every hour

every second you take me over.

every night of every day i wait i take

i know i take but i love you more than i should.

i would stay inside you here ten million years.

...

Tonight someone asked me a few questions... I'm not sure where they came from, but she asked, and I answered. She started with:

Do you believe in Soul Mates.

I said no.

She asked why.

I said that I didn't think that would be fair... that if there was only ONE person in the Entire World that was meant for you, what are the odds you'd ever find them? Would that mean you'd spend the rest of you life alone? Or even if you married someone who wasn't your soulmate, what would that mean? Would that mean you'd be destined spending the rest of your life waiting for someone else? My theory is that any one person can fall in love with any other person if in the right situation.

She said that was kind of sad, unromantic.

I said that it wasn't just that... I mean, there is romance and there Are people out there with whom its easier to fall in love. Some people are just plain more compatible than others. With some people, all it takes to fall in love is a look. With others, it takes more. Either way, though, it's work.

Then she asked if I'd ever fallen so completely in love that I'd lost all reason.

My answer? Duh... I go crazy and lose all reason whenever I fall in LIKE with someone, let alone love...

She said, You know what I mean...

And I said, yes, yes I know exactly what you mean. And I used recent examples to help prove my point.

She then asked if I'd ever been so crazy in love that I thought I couldn't live without the person.

I hesited before I answered.

I thought about it.

Hard.

I didn't want to lie or to tell a half truth.

When I answered,

The answer was Yes.

...

i would wrap my heart in bands of rosewood.
i love you more than i should.
i would stay beside you here ten million years.

...

Ok... I'm going to go grab some Zzz'z.... I'll give you a little recap of my vacation another time. Good night, dear reader. Good night.