now i'm smiling too

words fly, like bullets, through and through
nothing hurts more than thoughts of you
the sound of angels, she whispers run and hide
she's not whispering to me. she's gone. i know she'll be fine.

She wore a green dress. she knows it drives me crazy to see her in that green dress. there's nothing more intoxicating than seeing her red hair resting on the shoulders of that green dress.

...

his face looked like a piece of plastic stretched over his skull. his features were a little too tight. his face had the oddest sort of shine that made it unnatural. and his smile--it seemed to stretch wider than any smile should. it didn't make him look happy. somehow whenever he smiled he looked hungry, like he was trying to lure you closer to grab hold of your soul and just tear it right out of you

...

her voice sounds so sweet. it really does. there's just something about the way she speaks that makes me remember what it was like to be young. there's an energy in her eyes that make me want to just be outside letting the sun beat down on me and just be free. it's not really that she reminds me of someone i knew when i was a kid, she reminds me of everyone i knew as a kid she sings and smiles and laughs and lives like nothing else matters outside of that one single moment. i saw someone say a mean thing to her once and you could see the pain of those words flash across her face. if you saw a picture of her in that instant, you would have thought she was witnessing a horrible attrocity of some sort. and then a moment later, it was gone. a small smile was back on her face and she said something, i don't know what, that made the other person start to laugh. just like that, everything was right again. i've never seen anyone have that kind of power over everyone she meets. with her, the old adage is true... smile and the whole world smiles with you. let me prove it to you. i'll close my eyes and picture her smiling. see? now i'm smiling too.

Breathe. Just breathe. One breath after the other.
One foot in front of the other.
Moving.
Steadily.
Forward.
Everything around you is constantly changing
Your friends
Your family
Your life
The ground beneath your very feet.
Changing.
That change is the only thing that is constant.

So, I totally slept with my dream...
or maybe i dreamed in my sleep?
the way things are moving right now
its just so hard to tell
sometimes i go a little crazy
just like you
sometimes i go a little crazy
just to be like you
you slap my face
and break my heart
but i come back for more
because its my favorite part
take it back
take it back now
lets pretend it didn't happen
lets pretend we're not real
just ghosts in the night
passing
whispering
and gone
like we were never here
not a trace
but a memory.

...

i'm bored.
and don't want to pack
you should pack for me
no
see
this is why i need a woman
to pack for me
i wish i had a camera to bring to tampa with me
but i broke mine
sux, i know
i broke my good camera
its out to service
hopefully they don't fix it
hopefully they junk it out
if they do, i already know what i'm getting
sony nex-5+lenses
part of me wants mine back
but more of me wants the new one
that's just the way i am
even when I have something pretty badass
I always want a new one after a year or so
new ones are shiny
i like shiny
i think that's the jew in me.
i could be wrong
if you look at that as if it were about women, though
that's not quite it
i don't care if the women are shiny
shiny is actually a sign of oily skin
i just love the chase
i always have.
i think that's why i get bored in relationships...
when the chase is over and i've got what i want... what's the point in going on?
i think that's why i go for crazy
because the chase goes on and on
because, with crazy, even once you've won, things can change in an instant
and you have to start over again
bam
fresh chase
it's like hitting the reset button every once in a while...
yeah...
reset.

addiction

its like i'm addicted to beauty. and simplicity.

every day i find myself visiting the same websites.
http://www.ffffound.com/ http://www.mymodermet.com/ http://www.svpply.com/ http://www.fastcompany.com/
these sites are my window in to a world so much unlike my own
magical
beautiful
its the world i live in my mind and in my heart
just not the world i currently live in.
the world i live in now is more like this
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Alabama-Towns-Failed-Pension-nytimes-93215960.html?x=0

sometimes i do strange things.
sometimes i do things i know i just shouldn't do
i say things i shouldn't say
and i tend to say them at the oddest times
just last night i told someone that i think they're beautiful.
well, first i txted "wake up" to the wrong person... and then i told that person that i think they're beautiful.
i mean, it's true...
very true.
but still... i had no place in saying it
but i said it anyway
i just tend to do things like that

anyways...

pizzle.

Fast

So much has happened since the last time I dropped by... it's crazy ridiculous.
like.
crazy.

.... Ok, so maybe that's not exactly true. Maybe it's not actually true at all. Either way, though, I guess that's ok.

Recently I have confirmed that I am both an asshole and a really great guy, so there's nothing really new there.

I'm trying to think of something fun to update you with, but I'm really at a loss...

I mean, New Years plans are being set, which is good. Very good. Tampa is going to happen. A nice dinner, Friends, and then... well... and then something, but I don't know what yet. Should be a good time no matter what, though. I decided not to do the Outback Bowl on NYD... 'though with it being Meyer's last game and all, maybe I should have just gotten the ticket. Oh well, too late now.

I dunno... there's more I want to say, I'm just not in the habit of blogging lately, so I can't find my words.... I can't find my rhythm.

I ain't got the flow.

too much starting and stop
ping

no tone.

no nothing.

my fingers are tired, too... they don't want to type. everytime they stop moving it takes more
and more
and more
to get them going again.

once they're going, they're in that zone... dancing over the keys.
but then
they
stop
.
laid to rest
i need someone to increase the beyonce.

Eff You See Kay

Seriously. wtf is wrong with me? It's like I missed the day in elementary school when they taught you how to cope with life.

I just found out that my X married the guy she started dating a month after we split. Fuck that and Fuck her. Why is she allowed to be happy while to this day I still can't figure out what I want? I just went through a box of old stuff and found a stack of letters and cards she wrote to me. I'm not sure why I kept them all, but I did. Not anymore, though. Gone. Poof. A match and a minute and they're gone. Memories that can't come back.

Argh.

So many things are slowly killing me right now... not the least of which is life.

I miss my dad.

A lot.

Its been 8 long, long years since the last time I said that I love you and you actually heard me. Tomorrow marks 8 years since you died.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss talking to you. You were one of my best friends. you weren't the perfect parent, but you did the best that you could.

I went for a drive earlier today. Sunroof open, windows down. Feeling the cold air rushing around me. I don't know what it is about driving that relaxes me, but it does.... it lets me escape. The faster I go the better. That feeling of being so close to the edge of control, the speedometer slowly creeps up. eighty then ninety. one hundred miles an hour and the wind screams in my ear. one hundred ten, then twenty miles an hour. the air so cold it stings.

I tear down my rearview mirror because I'm tired of looking back.

Completely Blank

she's electric. when she touches me. she sends shivers down my. spine. she moves me. in ways i never knew. when she touches me. i'm alive.

...

i mourn each passing breath because i know each one brings me closer to the day that i have to live a life without you

...

Tell me a story. A story about you. If you do, I'll tell you a story about me, too. I've got some good ones, you know. Stories about how good it is to be alive. Stories about how hard it is to live without someone. I've got stories about being a kid wishing I was older and stories about being older acting like I was a kid again. You name it, I've got it. The thing is, the story that has shaped me the most. The story that has made me who I am. I just can't tell you that one. Not yet. It'll come, though. I promise you that. Tonight, I will tell you any story but that one.

...

I have three blank canvases sitting on my living room floor. I bought them a little while ago with the silly pipe-dream of dipping a brush in to some paint and turning all that white into a piece of art. Abstract, of course. I didn't delude myself into thinking I had real talent. I just wanted to create something that would be my own. Instead, those three canvases lay bare on my living room floor still covered in plastic. The paint still sits. Unused. The brushes are clean. Time and time again I've picked up the brushes and painted imaginary brush strokes on that canvas, picturing a finished work of art. Right now I'm seriously considering hanging the pieces as they are. Completely blank.