So, I totally slept with my dream...
or maybe i dreamed in my sleep?
the way things are moving right now
its just so hard to tell
sometimes i go a little crazy
just like you
sometimes i go a little crazy
just to be like you
you slap my face
and break my heart
but i come back for more
because its my favorite part
take it back
take it back now
lets pretend it didn't happen
lets pretend we're not real
just ghosts in the night
passing
whispering
and gone
like we were never here
not a trace
but a memory.

...

i'm bored.
and don't want to pack
you should pack for me
no
see
this is why i need a woman
to pack for me
i wish i had a camera to bring to tampa with me
but i broke mine
sux, i know
i broke my good camera
its out to service
hopefully they don't fix it
hopefully they junk it out
if they do, i already know what i'm getting
sony nex-5+lenses
part of me wants mine back
but more of me wants the new one
that's just the way i am
even when I have something pretty badass
I always want a new one after a year or so
new ones are shiny
i like shiny
i think that's the jew in me.
i could be wrong
if you look at that as if it were about women, though
that's not quite it
i don't care if the women are shiny
shiny is actually a sign of oily skin
i just love the chase
i always have.
i think that's why i get bored in relationships...
when the chase is over and i've got what i want... what's the point in going on?
i think that's why i go for crazy
because the chase goes on and on
because, with crazy, even once you've won, things can change in an instant
and you have to start over again
bam
fresh chase
it's like hitting the reset button every once in a while...
yeah...
reset.

addiction

its like i'm addicted to beauty. and simplicity.

every day i find myself visiting the same websites.
http://www.ffffound.com/ http://www.mymodermet.com/ http://www.svpply.com/ http://www.fastcompany.com/
these sites are my window in to a world so much unlike my own
magical
beautiful
its the world i live in my mind and in my heart
just not the world i currently live in.
the world i live in now is more like this
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Alabama-Towns-Failed-Pension-nytimes-93215960.html?x=0

sometimes i do strange things.
sometimes i do things i know i just shouldn't do
i say things i shouldn't say
and i tend to say them at the oddest times
just last night i told someone that i think they're beautiful.
well, first i txted "wake up" to the wrong person... and then i told that person that i think they're beautiful.
i mean, it's true...
very true.
but still... i had no place in saying it
but i said it anyway
i just tend to do things like that

anyways...

pizzle.

Fast

So much has happened since the last time I dropped by... it's crazy ridiculous.
like.
crazy.

.... Ok, so maybe that's not exactly true. Maybe it's not actually true at all. Either way, though, I guess that's ok.

Recently I have confirmed that I am both an asshole and a really great guy, so there's nothing really new there.

I'm trying to think of something fun to update you with, but I'm really at a loss...

I mean, New Years plans are being set, which is good. Very good. Tampa is going to happen. A nice dinner, Friends, and then... well... and then something, but I don't know what yet. Should be a good time no matter what, though. I decided not to do the Outback Bowl on NYD... 'though with it being Meyer's last game and all, maybe I should have just gotten the ticket. Oh well, too late now.

I dunno... there's more I want to say, I'm just not in the habit of blogging lately, so I can't find my words.... I can't find my rhythm.

I ain't got the flow.

too much starting and stop
ping

no tone.

no nothing.

my fingers are tired, too... they don't want to type. everytime they stop moving it takes more
and more
and more
to get them going again.

once they're going, they're in that zone... dancing over the keys.
but then
they
stop
.
laid to rest
i need someone to increase the beyonce.

Eff You See Kay

Seriously. wtf is wrong with me? It's like I missed the day in elementary school when they taught you how to cope with life.

I just found out that my X married the guy she started dating a month after we split. Fuck that and Fuck her. Why is she allowed to be happy while to this day I still can't figure out what I want? I just went through a box of old stuff and found a stack of letters and cards she wrote to me. I'm not sure why I kept them all, but I did. Not anymore, though. Gone. Poof. A match and a minute and they're gone. Memories that can't come back.

Argh.

So many things are slowly killing me right now... not the least of which is life.

I miss my dad.

A lot.

Its been 8 long, long years since the last time I said that I love you and you actually heard me. Tomorrow marks 8 years since you died.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss talking to you. You were one of my best friends. you weren't the perfect parent, but you did the best that you could.

I went for a drive earlier today. Sunroof open, windows down. Feeling the cold air rushing around me. I don't know what it is about driving that relaxes me, but it does.... it lets me escape. The faster I go the better. That feeling of being so close to the edge of control, the speedometer slowly creeps up. eighty then ninety. one hundred miles an hour and the wind screams in my ear. one hundred ten, then twenty miles an hour. the air so cold it stings.

I tear down my rearview mirror because I'm tired of looking back.

Completely Blank

she's electric. when she touches me. she sends shivers down my. spine. she moves me. in ways i never knew. when she touches me. i'm alive.

...

i mourn each passing breath because i know each one brings me closer to the day that i have to live a life without you

...

Tell me a story. A story about you. If you do, I'll tell you a story about me, too. I've got some good ones, you know. Stories about how good it is to be alive. Stories about how hard it is to live without someone. I've got stories about being a kid wishing I was older and stories about being older acting like I was a kid again. You name it, I've got it. The thing is, the story that has shaped me the most. The story that has made me who I am. I just can't tell you that one. Not yet. It'll come, though. I promise you that. Tonight, I will tell you any story but that one.

...

I have three blank canvases sitting on my living room floor. I bought them a little while ago with the silly pipe-dream of dipping a brush in to some paint and turning all that white into a piece of art. Abstract, of course. I didn't delude myself into thinking I had real talent. I just wanted to create something that would be my own. Instead, those three canvases lay bare on my living room floor still covered in plastic. The paint still sits. Unused. The brushes are clean. Time and time again I've picked up the brushes and painted imaginary brush strokes on that canvas, picturing a finished work of art. Right now I'm seriously considering hanging the pieces as they are. Completely blank.

tell her that i miss her.
tell her that i love her.
tell her that i'll never be the same.

\\\\\]]]]]/////
/////[[[[[\\\\\

A day is a day...

is just another day.



Life tried to teach me a lesson. Yes it did. Flash back to Wednesday. It was just another day like every other day and every other day and every other... well... you get it, don't you? It was nothing special. Well, it was a day off work, if you count that as special. I woke up, had a snack, watched some TV, nothing groundbreaking. I didn't discover the cure for cancer or anything. I did get a buzz from a friend asking if I wanted to go out for lunch, though, so I did.



I thought that would be a nice excuse to get off the couch.



I was right.



I had a perfectly lovely sandwhich and a nice tall brewskie with a friend. The day was shaping up to be just grand.



I ran a few errands on that side of town, and figured I'd swing by work real quick on my way home. Y'know, to get a few things done. Nothing big. What should have been ten minutes turned into an hour and ten minutes. Nothing new there, either. Just a day like any other day.



Or so I thought. This is where life decided to get me.



It was my day off and I was at work. I do that a lot. Apparently too much.



As I was walking to my car, I looked up to see a flock of seagulls flying above me. Not the '80's band, mind you, but an actual flock of seagulls. At that moment a memory came flooding back to me. My elementary school in NY was near the water, so we had tons of seagulls flying over head every morning. All the kids used to wait outside of the school until the morning bell rang and we would line up in our classes and walk, single file, to our rooms. There was this one kid who always wore a leather bomber jacket whenever the weather was cool enough for him to pull it off. Every morning he was wearing that jacket, one of the seagulls above would take aim and drop a load on him, leaving a white streak down his black jacket.



I know you think I'm exaggerating by saying that every time he wore the jacket he got crapped on, and you're right. But it happened often enough that no one would stand around him before that morning bell wrang.



So I was thinking about that poor kid who got perpetually covered in pooh when I felt something on my arm.



Seriously?



I'm walking through the parking lot smiling to myself at the memory of Bird-Pooh-Boy when a seagull takes carefull aim and drops a bomb right on my arm.



I mean.... seriously?



That's what I get for working on my day off...



Wednesday night was fun, though... I went to see Sublime feat. Rome and The Dirty Heads.







The music was amazing, the bartender forgot what I had on my tab and the women were plentiful.



Only problem with the women is that everyone I ended up talking to either smoked or was still in high school. Both of which are deal breakers for me. The latter makes me feel like a dirty old man and the former makes me smell like a dirty old man.



For the record, I approached the smokers and I was approached by the high schoolers.

Girl sits down next to me: Hi! These guys are awesome!

Me: Seriously. I never heard of them before this year, but my friend got me hooked.

Girl: Me too! This song is totally my favorite!

We both bob our heads to the music enjoying the sweet, sweet melodies...

Me, trying to make some conversation: I've never actually been to this place before. Have you?

Girl, makes a pouty face: No! My parents NEVER let me go to the good shows, but I totally got them to let me come tonight!

Me, with a smile on my face while I realize this girl is, like, 17: Parents suck!
Girl: Totally.

We both kind of look around as the song ends. The lead singer says something about never being in Alabama before and everyone in the crowd screams at the top of their lungs to welcome them.

Me: So... are you from around here?

Girl: Yeah! I go to _______ High School! You?!?

Me: Nope, I just moved here a few months ago...

Girl: Oh! Do you go to Faulkner?!? I know Soooooooo many people there!

Me: Nope, I graduated college already...

Girl: Really?

Me: Yeah, back in.... 2002.

Girl: Oh....

The next song starts and we both start singing along. The girls eyebrows begin to furrow as she does the math in her head. I can see her thinking "ok... he's a little older. he already graduated college, that's sooooooo cool... wait... he graduated college in 2002? i was in 4th grade when he graduated college..."

Girl: oh...

Me: Yeah.

Girl: ...

Me: Yeah....

Girl: ...

Me: Well... I love this song... I'm going to listen to it from over there.

Girl: Yeah...

Me: Enjoy the show!

Girl: yeah... you too...



awkward.