two thousand and nine.

every year aroudn this time i take a little while to reflect back on the year that was.... i don't feel like doing that right now.

i just got back from jacksonville where i was visiting my friend, his wife and their newborn. the baby is only 2 weeks old. so tiny. so beautiful.

while driving back, i started thinking about what i'd write here and i started to think about some of the new years eves in my past.

i remember one in gainesville. pretty much All of my friends had gone home, but i was working so had to stay in g'ville. daver threw a party in the yellow house and invited me... i didn't have anything else going on, so i went.

i didn't the party would be much fun for me since i didn't really know anyone, so i decided to bring a date--a bottle of captain morgan. when i got there, it turned out i was right. i didnt' know anyone there other than daver. well... i was half right. i did end up having a good time. i polished off the bottle of cap'n and even found a replacement date for the remainder of the evening. i'm pretty sure her name was megan. it could have been sarah, though... or jennifer. i'm really not too sure.

i ended up passing out on a couch that night, with her in my arms.

i woke up early the next morning, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and grabbed her a blanket before i left.

it looks like this new years will be pretty similar. going to a party where i'll only know one person and i'll be bringing the same date--captain morgan.

maybe i'll give you my thoughts on 2009 this weekend... or maybe i won't.

Tonight I got to watch a family who hasn't been all together in over a year spend Christmas with each other.

It was pretty cool.

Definitely a little jealous, though...

Moms, dads... grandparents, neices, nephews... husband, wife... and me.

Now, it's not like I felt out of place or anything, good conversation and even better food are always welcome... none of it was Mine, though. It had that Borrowed feel. While I was there, I was family. Right now, though? Well, they're still family and I'm still, well... just me.

Not that I'm alone in this world or anything like that. I have friends, good friends. The best friends, and I love them like family.... and when I'm with them, I really am a part of their families and I love them for that. I really do.

But every single time I make that drive home the empty car acts as my reminder.

I think that's why I have this incessant urge to move around so much. It's not that I'm not happy where I am, it's just that Home is Where the Heart is, right? Well, where's your heart? With your family. Not that you have to live with your family your whole life to be happy, but no matter where you are in the world you always have someplace to go back to... I suppose I'm just looking for that place I can go back to.

Life has been flying by... Its like everything is in fast forward.

Sometimes it seems liek 5 years ago was just yesterday... six months ago just happened. Just now.

Today?

A mere blip.

Blink and you might have missed it.

I remember laying in the grass in frong of Nikki's house in Cape Coral when I was 10 years old. In the summer, we used to just lay in hte grass and watch the clouds pass over us and we would be amazed at how time passed so very slowly. Now it's like a year passes in the blink of an eye.

Christmas is almost here.

It's so close.

I can feel it.

Working in retail tends to beat a person down during this time of year, so, when I say that I feel that Christmas is almost here... well, Trust me. I know Christmas.

When I think back tgo all the Holidays that have passed since those days laying in the grass with Nikki... well... there's so much that has happened.

And there are so many things that are running through my mind right now.....

To some, I want to say goodbye... You were my world. You were everything I ever wanted You made me feel like wherever we were, if we were together, we were home. there were just too many other things that pulled us apart and I'd like to think we are both better having been together and we are better apart.

To others, I want to say... well, I don't know what I want to say. You were my dream. You are my dream. When I think of everything I want, I think of you. there is no such thing as Perfect, though. And sometimes dreams shoudl remain just that... dreams, where things can be Perfect.

And to others, well... timing is what it is and long ago fate decided that things should be as they are.

As for the future... well... I can't say.

Things were what they were,
They are what they are,
And they will be what they will be.

In the meantime, though... in this time where there is no time... Know that a part of me still loves you... and that part of me will always love you... and I hope that you are smiling because I know that, no matter what happens, as long as you are in my heart, I can smile too.

i look around
and don't really know where i am.
All i see are photographs of a life that never really was.
I see you.
And I see me.
And I see a whole world around us
that never will come to be.

A wind blows through the trees
and the leaves come falling to the ground at my feet.
I can hear traffic in the distance.
I can feel your hand close around mine
and i remember.
I remember the way things could have been.

...

wow.
You are absolutely beautiful.
I just wanted to let you know.
:)

...

Some things break
Others just break down
Nothing lasts forever,
Girl.
Nothing lasts forever,
Not in this world.
So, break it,
Girl.
Break it.
Before it even has a chance
To break you.

it's not that i can't sleep... its just that I don't want to.

I've been wandering around the internet looking at all sorts of thigns other people are telling me are cool.

Some of those things are cool... some are ok... some, meh. some not at all.

right now, as i lay in my bed, good ear burried in my pillow, i can barely hear the music that's playing while i'm both mesmerized and entertained as I watch the letters magically dance across my screen as my fingers run across the keyboard.

I noticed that while I was on facebook. I was typing something and the letters just seemed like they were chasing the cursor on the screen.

Two thoughts came to mind.

The first was that I was watching a greyhound race. the cursor was the little stuffed rabbit being chased by starved dogs. would they ever catch the rabbit? only if I ran out of things to say....

The second thought was that it wasn't me making the words appear on the screen.... the words are there all along. All I'm doing is moving that cursor to reveal the words one letter at a time. it was as if everything was layed out already, and all i had to do was give it little pushes and slowly the story would unfold right before my eyes.

I think that's what i'm giong to go to sleep to tonight... the thought of a future beginning to unfold.

hey baby
don't you cry
keep those tears inside
and save the hurt for someone else
he wasn't worth the effort
wasn't worth the time
just let a week go by
and pretty soon you'll be feeling fine

yeah baby
that's right
just stay with me
and everything will be all right
i'll hold you close
i'll squeeze you tight
just don't look back
and pretty soon you'll be feeling fine

I think I am the happiest depressed person in the whole world.
It's weird.
There's so much more that I want out of life and so many things that I wanted to happen that haven't. So many things that I wanted to work out that haven't. Some days I feel like just giving up. I close my eyes and try to will myself out of existance.
That never works.
No surprise there, right?
I open my eyes and there is still a world around me.
Friends that love me.
Family that loves me.
There are still adventures that I haven't found yet.
Shoot, there's a good majority of the world that I haven't found yet.
And most times I don't think I've even found myself.
Actually, I know I haven't found myself.
I don't even really know where to look.
I write all the time. About my life. About my thoughts. About my feelings.
You'd think after all this time I'd know myself better than anyone else.
Maybe that's the problem afterall... I know myself too well, and I just don't like what I see.
Maybe what I really need is change... ... but I think we all know that I'm afraid of change.
Change scares me, which I think is why I do it so often. Its my way of thrill seeking.

I really don't know, though.

What I do know is that I have this feeling deep, deep inside me and every night I fall asleep alone it grows a little bit deeper and a little bit darker and it eats away at the smile that I wear so well. It makes my laugh a little more hollow.

Anyways... I'll go on wearing my smile and ... and, well, that's all I know to do, so I s'pose I'll just stick with that.

Goodnight, dear reader. Good night.

All you need is love, love is all you need

There is nothing you can do that can't be done

Nothing you can sing that can't be sung

Nothing you can say but you learn how to play the game

It's easy



There's nothign you can make that can't be made

No one you can save that can't be saved.

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you

in time - it's easy



All you need is love.



There's nothing youc an know that isn't known.

Nothing you can see that isn't shown.

Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

It's easy



All you need is love.



...



every day i dream myself dreaming with you

every night i see myself seeing you

it's like i can see what you can't see

and i can feel so much more than you feel

living in a world that just isn't real



...

I left the " ... " up right up there thinking I was going to come back to write more, but now that I'm here, I'm not sure what to say.

I mean, there's a LOT that I'd want to say, I just don't have anyone to say them to. Y'know?

Y'do. I know you do.

I feel like I'm on the verge of sadness. I'm so close to the edge that I can see it and I can just barely begin to feel it and I know its there. It hasn't overtaken me yet. Not by any means, but...

I'm not sure if its the craziness at work, the impending holidays or just that i miss my family so much, but it seems like I start feeling like this every year around this time.

Either way, I find myself turning to all-to-familiar vices a bit more frequently lately... alcohol and my xbox. I suppose I've been turning to my keyboard lately, too. Of the three, I'd say the keyboard is the most healthy. 'though I guess there's a bit of a snag with that, since I do like to drink a wee bit before I write.

Now, before you start worrying about the fact that I turn to alcohol when I get sad, please bare in mind that tonight I had about 4 or so drinks over a 6 hour period. Yesterday, 1/2 a beer. Night before that, 2 drinks all night. It's been more about frequency than volume.

Anyways... I've become quite the rambling man and, since it's just after 3am, I think I'm going to try and turn my brain off and hope for sweet dreams... wish me luck!

Last night was a very, very strange night.

I sat down to write about what happened, but it was just too much randomness to really make sense of things (so I just posted song lyrics instead.)

I've had a day to really let things soak in, and now, here I am, trying to get things straight.

Work was, well... work. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Right off the bat I should have realized something was happening. I got in my car to drive home and thought "I sure hope I have a few beers in the fridge..." and, within seconds, I received a txt from Tom asking if I wanted to meet him out for a few beers.

Umm...

Yeah. Duh.

I met him at DB's.

As I was pulling into my parking spot, another car pulled in to the empty spot next to me. From that car emerged two of the most beautiful, slutty girls I have seen in a long time. I mean, thier dresses were so tight and so short that they really didn't leave a whole lot up to the imagination.

Unfortunately, that's really their only involvement in the story. I just thought they deserved mention because they obviously tried very hard to make sure they were oggled.

Tom gets to DB, we talk about work. We talk about life. We talk about beer. And we drank beer. Several beers, in fact. And not any weak stuff, either.

None of this is out of the ordinary, yet. I understand you're waiting for some sort of plot twist or big event and I promise you that it's coming.

It is.

It's pretty big.

But I'm not going to get to it tonight. I'm so freaking tired that I'm surprised I even made it this far.

Don't worry, though, I promise I'll finish the story... I mean, I haven't even told you about the psychic yet and that's really the whole point. She wasn't at DB's, but she was a friend of someone we met at the bar there.

anyways.... sleep is calling my name... I promise I'll tell you the rest sometime over the next few days.

I promise.

Trust me, it's worth it.

Anyone Else But You - Moldy Peaches

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkye on your back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyonce can see in anyone else but you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why cna't you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I will find my niche in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumble packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Dave, I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

its funny how music has this way of working its magic on me.

I was totally about to write something mildly depressing... I mean, I opened up this blog and was about to start typing when, just before my first keystroke struck, a new song started playing.

Immediately my fingers stopped. my thoughts stopped and were whisked away by the sweet, sweet song.

Anyways... where was I?

No clue.

The thought has escaped me.

so, right now i'm so tired i could just...
well...
sleep.

but that would be too easy and as you all know, i'm not a fan of doing things the easy way.

So instead, here I am, with you.

I've missed you.

I really have.

Now that I'm back, this all feels so natural. So right. But while I was gone, I tried to come back several times. I did. I'd be about to knock on your door and then hesitate. I didn't know what I'd say. I thought it would be.... complicated. But it's not.

I'm here.
You're here.
We're together.
And it's right.

Anyways... there are a few things I wanted to talk with you about tonight, but I think I might be tired enough to just pass out right now....

So I'll save those stories for anohter day.

Sleep well, Dear Readers...

spice and rice

it seems like it's beena while since I've actually written anything on here.

it's not like I don't have anything to say... It's just that I don't really want to say the things that I'm thinking. maybe its that i don't want to think the things that i'm thinking.

it's not like I'm thinking Bad things... they're just not always the Best things.

or the smartest things.

So let's move on to other things, shall we?

yes. lets.

So, I both started and finished house shopping.

That's right.

Started.

And finished.

No, I didn't actually buy a house, but I decided home ownership just isn't right for me at this juncture.

Instead, what I want to do is travel the world.

You see, I've been on bunches of vacations. Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Chicago, New York, Las Vegas, San Diego, Los Angeles.... well, you get the point. All of those places are in the continental US. I've never been out of the country. Not even Canada. The closest I've ever come was once, when I was about 13 I was visiting Vermont and we talked about going to Canada. Then last time I was in San Diego, we climbed a mountain and saw Mexico.

So, since I've already got quasi plans for all my vacations in '10 (Seattle, Vail, Cali, Colorodo again) I won't be making any trips to other countries until '11.

Exciting stuff, I know.

Anyways... I'm going to go rot my brain.

You folks enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy doing.

Beauty.

Wow.

I had always heard that your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die.

First of all, that second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time...

For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars...
And yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined my street...
Or my grandmother's hands and the way her skin seemed like paper...
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's new Firebird...

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...

And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but Gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure... But don't worry...

You will someday.

and it rained down
a most curious
shade of
blue.
dreaming of the times that i was with you.
i can still taste
the sweetnes of your lips
and feel your kin under
my
fingertips.
every word
every day
every hour
of every day

Phoenix - If I Ever Feel Better

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been beried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
a think i don't try to deny
i'd better learn to accept that
there are things in my life that i can't control

they say love ain't nothing but a sore
i don't even know what love is
too many tears have had to fall
don't you know i'm so tired of it all
i have known terror dizzy spells
finding out the secrets words won't tell
whatever it is it can't be named
there's a part of my world that's fading away

you know i don't want to be clever
to be brilliant or superior
true like ice, tru like fire
now i know that a breeze can blow me away
now i know there's much mroe dignity
in defeat than in the brightest victory
i'm losing my balance on the tight rope
tell me please, tell me please, tell me please....

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
i can lean on with my friends
they help me going through hard times
but i'm feeding the enemy
i'm in league with the foe
blame me for what'sw happening
i can't try, i can't try, i can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
if happiness came i miss the call
the stormy days ain't over
i've tried and lost now i think i pay the cost
now i've watched all my castles fall
they were made of dust, afterall
someday all this mess will make me laugh
i can't wait, i can't wait, i can't wait...

If i ever feel better
remind me to spend some good itme with you
you can give me your number
when it's all over i'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
i ain't even playing my own game
the rules have changed, well i didn't know
there are things in my life i can't control
i feel the chaos around me
a thinkg i don't try to deny
i'd better learn to accept that
there's a part of my life that will go away

dark is the night, cold is the ground
in the circular solitude of my heart
as one who strives a hill to climb
i am sure i'll come through i don't know how
they say an end can be a start
feels like i've been buried yet i'm still alive

i'm losing my balance on the tight rope
tell me please, tell me plesae, tell me please...

if i ever feel better
remind me to spend some good time with you
you can give me your number
when it's over i'll let you know

when it's over i'll let you know

when it's over

i'll let you know

oh how quickly we fall in love
this modern world of quick wit
160 characters or less
semicolon parenthasis
live
love
laugh
next
i don't want what you have
i just want...
i don't know what i want
i just know that i want it
and i'd really like it now
i see you
sitting over there
ribbons in your hair
a smile on your face
and your hand brushes his
and he takes it
and holds it
and you look up
and see me
seeing you

my heart breaks every night i fall asleep without you by my side.

nobody notices the contrast between white on white
...
So... yeah. I'm preparing for the holidays. I know they're a ways away, but they're different for me. The wonders of working in retail. its madness. madness, i say! and when i say that i'm preparing for the holidays, i'm not talking about in a work sense, though i'm doing that too. these next few months are amazing times to work in retail. it's busy beyond belief. that means lots of days running around talking to as many people as possible. keeping the troups going. all in all, just making sure every single person i talk to leaves me with a smile on their face, customer and employee alike. if i manage to do that, the business results will come. they always have and they always will.

here's the hardest part, though.

in order for me to keep everyone else smiling, it means i have to keep smiling myself.

some days its easy.

some days it isn't.

i work so hard to make sure no one can tell if its a good day or a bad day, all they know is that i'm smiling and they are too.

i miss you mom. i miss you dad. i miss you grandpa abah and grandma eemah. i miss you gramma and grampa. i miss you eric. i miss you bob. i miss my family spread around the country. i miss my friends spread around the world. i miss the past and i miss really looking forward to the future.

ok, that last one was a little harsh... it's not that i don't look forward to the future, because i do... but i miss having something definitive in the future to look forward to.

anyways...

these next three months are going to absolutely fly by, but each night is going to feel like an eternity.

good night, dear reader.... good night.

gudnite

i looked up into the stars in the sky
and i started to wonder why
...
i think there's hope with this one yet
...
i still think that, maybe... just maybe
...
tomorrow is halloween... maybe i'll take off my mask for just one night
...
today isn't even halloween, but already the parties have started... I've already seen a slutty french maid, a slutty cat, and a slutty pirate. it's almost a shame i won't be out partying tomorrow night.
almost.
...
the new wolfmother cd makes me think of black sabbath. i think if i were high it would be a totally different, wonderous event
...
i
just
think
that
...
the air around me is cold
so cold
but there's a warmth
in your touch
and in your words
i just can't wait
to feel you next to me
i just can't wait
to see you again
i just can't wait
i just can't wait
everyone around me is so cold
so cold
i need your warmth
i need your touch
i need your words
i just can't wait
i just can't wait
i just can't wait
...
there must be something about us
something normal
something normal
there must be something about us
it feels so normal
it feel so normal
my heart it travels through time
this isn't normal
i know its not normal
my heart, it travels though time
i know it's not normal
there's so much out there
and it absorbs us
why can't this be normal
my heart, it travels though time
there must be something about us
it feels so normal
...
no longer no longer
what you ask
strange steps
bring us back
those cinders,
they splinter
and strike a match
strange steps
take us back
take us back
so sweetly
you held me
you suddenly complete me
you suddenly complete me
...
i saw you, today.
you smiled at me.
you didn't mean for me to see it
but i did.
and i smiled back
...
there's no story tonight. i'm sorry. these are just words and thoughts and what i feel right now. right htis second.
and no
i'm not drunk.
i know that's what you think when i write like this
but it isn't always true
sometimes
but not all times.
tonight i'm just.... thinking
of what might be
of what i want to be
of what probably won't be
but,. i gutess we'll jsut see...

until then, though

good night, dear reader, good night.

Boots

I think I must have been, like, 12 years old or so... I was in NYC with my dad and my sister. We were doing the whole 'tourist' thing on a summer vacation. We did it every year. We'd spend almost the entire summer in Jersey visiting my Aunt (and spending a few weeks in Brooklyn with my Grandmother) and we'd take a day to spend in The City.

That particular year, though, we were doing a little more shopping than usual. The usual being none at all. Maybe it had been a good spring for my dad and he had a little extra green in his pocket, I don't know. Either way, though, when we'd be in a store asking for something, where he would normally say NO, he was saying YES.

The only store I actually wanted anything from was some gian Army Surplus Store. I didn't even know they had those in the city, but there it was. I got a pretty sweet pair of camo pants. They were tear resistant. I remember that. I put those pants through hell over the next few years and they withstood the test of time. and puberty.

That wasn't the prize, though.

The real prize was a pair of Paratrooper Boots. I didn't know paratroopers had special boots, but apparently they do. and they were badass. and they fit. they were used, so they had that I've-been-through-more-battles-and-seen-more-things-than-you-ever-will look to them and i loved them.

if i had those boots now, i'd wear them.

well, not those exact boots. a larger version of them that fit, though. those i'd wear.

those were some badass boots.

quips and quaps

i'm not sure if you feel a spark, but i feel fireworks when i think of you
...
the world is sickSICK;
so kiss me quick.
...
You're
the
only
one
I
miss
...
i wonder what we have when we're not pretending
...
Don't ask what the meaning of life is.
You define it.
...
I can conquer the world with one had as long as you are holding the other
...
you make me really confused.
you make me doubt my emotions.
i don't know what to do.
...
BEAUTY is in yoru soul, your heart and your mind. the beauty of the unseen is far greater than that of the skin.
...
the worst mistake you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room.
...
the reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was
...
whatever you want to do, do it now. for life is time and time is all there is.
...
you're the one i think about before i go to sleep. i look at the clock, waiting for 11:11 so i can wish for you.
...
you be the sun
i'll be the moon
-just let your light
come shining through;
and when night comes,
just like the moon,
i'll shine the light
right back to you.
...
nothing of me is original.
i am the combined effort of everybody i've ever known.
...
i don't know where i'm going, but i promise it won't be boring
...
believe nothing,
no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if i said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
...
in all this chaos i find safety with you
...
you will Always drive me crazy. i mean that in a good way.

sunlight bright upon my pillow
lighter than an eirdown
will she let the weeping willow
wind his branches round

Julia dream
dreamboat queen
queen of all my dreams

every night i turn the light out
waiting for the velvet bride
will the scaly armadillo
find me where i'm hiding

Julia dream
dreamboat queen
queen of all my dreams

will the misty master break me?
will the key unlock my mind?
will the following footsteps catch me?
am I really dying?

Julia dream
dreamboat queen
queen of all my dreams

i dream in technicolor
but i live in black and white

when i close my eyes
everything is real

your voice
your touch

everything

the world is alive

and then

when i'm awake

everything is
what it is

the rain came down
and washed me away
it washed me away
and took me to a place
so far from home
...
I'm trying to picture my house.
My eyes are closed right now.
My first thought, when I think about "my house" is my first house.
Long Island.
When I lived there it was such a big house. Two stories. The downstairs had a living room, a dining room, a kitchen and a den. The basement was divided into two huge open spaces. One area was the laundry room, and the other was just an open space. At some point my sister and I turned it from a storage place to a place for us to hang out / play. Then there was the upstairs. Three bedrooms and one and a half bath up there. As you reached the top of the stairs, my sister's room was to the right and the bathroom was across the hall from her. Keep going to the end of the hall and you have the master bedroom (my mom's room) on the right and my room on the left. The place was huge.
Was.
When I went back a few years later, all I could think was how small everything looked.
I guess it's really all about perspective. It WAS huge when I lived there. It wasn't just that I was smaller. That house was my whole life back then. Over the 3 years between visits, a lot had changed. The world changed. It grew from that one house on that one street to the entire east coast.

The next house I think of is The House. College. The crazy druggies folowed by the best friends. It was an older house. Definitely well lived in. We had some very good times in that house. The House.

The next house on the list is the one we bought. We searched all of Gainesville before we found something that ws right. And it was definitely right. And it was ours.
And then it wasn't.

Now I want to build a house of my own. I'm prety sure it's a pipe dream for right now, but I still want to try.
I'm not talking about building it by hand... 'thought I do think that would be pretty cool... I want to design a house and have it built.
I can't picture this one in my head just yet. I spent a good chunk of the evening looking at all these modern home designs. I love how open they are.
I love how simple they are.
I just don't love how expensive it would be to do what I want to do.
I don't want to do anything cookie cutter, I know that.
I want something that is unique.
Something that is mine.
Something clean
and clear.
natural.
In one iteration from earlier, it was a two story house. On the first floor were the two guest bedrooms and a kitchen that opened up into a large living room as if it were just a natural extension of the same space. There was a spiral staircase leading to the second floor, which was a loft, open to look over the living room. The wall opposite the loft stretched from the floor on the first level to the roof, and was completely glass, so it didn't matter whether you were in the kitchen, living room or bedroom, you could see straight out to the rest of the world. Which would be great if it were overlooking the water or in a secluded wood... but in a run of the mill neighborhood? I don't think so....

Anyways... I'll do some research to see what I can afford tomorrow... in the meantime, though, I'm off to bed.

Tell me who's the one you love the most?
When you close your eyes
Dreaming of a tropical sunset
Who's the one holding your hand?

I can see you there standing next to me.

I can hear your voice whisper in my ear.

unknown

unknown

i live in the unknown

the world around me

a complete mystery

your eyes

straight to my heart

your voice

rings in my ears

it could have been anyone

could have been a woman or a man.

must have swept her away

made her forget who i am.

it could have been anyone

could have slipped me a drug.

must have been a permanent dose

to make me forget who she was.

it could have been anything

could have been the time we spent alone.

maybe too much time together

maybe too close to the bone.

it could have been anything

any word i might have said.

just a look i might have given just the angle of my head.

but we come we go.

we say that we know.

but we don't remember

and we don't remind each other.

we come we go.

we say that we know.

but we don't remember.

no we don't recognize each other.

it could have been anyone

any rumor passed around.

someone made her doubt me

made her head for higher ground.

it could have been any gesture or word.

maybe something i misstated

something she misunderstood (i would).

we come we go.

but we don't remember.

and we don't recognize

that maybe this time things might work out right.

maybe this time she might catch my eye.

maybe something

anything

could strike me blind

and i might remember her

and she might remember me

this time.

it could have been anyone

anything

the ring around her finger.

it could have been anything

any piece that's shattered on the way.

it could have been anything

anyone

she'll take another lover.

it could have been anything

anything

anything

anything.

we come we go.

but we don't rememeber.

and we don't recognize each other.

i close my eyes and i can see the future.
and tomorrow looks just like today.
i open my eyes
and the room is still dark
i sit up and look around
her name slips from my lips
just a whisper in the dark.

...

her: well, i'm not shy around you. was i ever?
me: i never really knew you until recently... but no, i suppose you haven't been shy.

...

every time i get knocked down, i get back up... what happens when i don't?

...

ok... so... I'm still a little tired from my trip. I should goto sleep.

I don't really want to, though.

I don't really feel like talking, though

or writing.

whatever you want to call this.

I consider this talking.

I mean, I know you're reading it...

And you know that I know you're reading it...

Even if I can't see you read it, I know you're there.

Out there.

Somewhere.

Reading.

So, yeah. I write, you read.

It's like I'm talking to you, and you're listening

in silence.


And it's that silence that's really starting to get to me.

So it's off to bed with me...

lost

alone

and scared

but Alive

and hopeful

and knowing that tomorrow will be here before i know it.

what is music to you?

is it a reflection of who you are? or you a reflection of what you listen to?

i heard a story once about a surgeon who was struck by lightning. he lived. a few weeks later he had a strong urge to listen to piano music. he had a dream he was listening to piano music that he had written himself. so, he took a few lessons and wrote the song he'd heard in his dream.

How odd is that?

There have been studies done that show that musical training increases the connectivity between both sides of the brain. Does this mean that teaching kids how to play music can make them smarter? I mean, just think of how structured music is and what that kind of training would prepare you for...

I dunno... just something to think about.

Mind you, I have no musical training and I'm a fucking genius.

I'm just see through faded, super jaded, out of my mind

Loke the coldest winter chill, heaven beside you, hell within

...

My fingers feel like weights on the keyboard. I want to write. My brain is whirring... but... my fingers aren't moving.



well, they are right now.. but barely.



mostly they're just sitting on the home keys.



my b.
...
ok. it's the next day. all that stuff before this was written yesterday. I usually delete that crap, but this time I just closed out of it and somehow it got saved, so consider this Part B.

.... I still don't know what I want to say right now, though.

I am rather uninspired.

I need a story.

A good story.

I mean, tonight there was the thing with Obama's engineer... but... no... and there was the one about the chick who wanted someone, anyone, so badly that she was flirting hardcore with anyone within reach, including both Tom and a 50 year old guy telling stories about how he saved small children from a burning orphanage.

those aren't Inspired stories, though....

I could tell the tale of DB's... where half the employees know me by name. I met a new waitress tonight... I forgot her name, but she's only been in the States for about a year now, and she was amused when I told her the only german I knew was Ich Leibe Bumson. The spelling might be off, but she got the gist of it when I said it. She was mildly amused.

really, though... that's about it.

I think maybe i should just go to sleep and let tomorrow bring its own adventure, no matter how large or small.

so, dear reader, i wish you a good night and dreams so sweet they give you cavities.

I remember the first time we slept together. Well, that's not quite right... I didn't sleep at all that night. I set it up perfectly, though. We went for a walk, late at night. That wasn't unusual for us. That was actually kind of Our Thing. We would meet up around 11pm or so and walk around campus and talk and do all sorts of random things like sneak in to random building and write positive messages on classroom chalkboards.

On that particular night, though, when I walked her to the door I suggested we watch a movie before calling it a night. The Princess Bride. Who could say no to that? We sat on her couch and started watching. It wasn't long before we were both out cold. The voice of Miracle Max woke me up, so I watched the rest of that scene ("Everybody knows ‘to blave’ means ‘to bluff’...") and then woke her up.

We were both exhausted and half asleep. I was in no condition to walk to my dorm room even though it was just about a hundred feet away.

I suggested she let me just sleep with her.

It was the only logical thing.

She thought about it.

She said yes.

We made our way to her room and slipped in to her bed.

She was out immediately.

I propped myself up on one elbow and looked over at her, watching the slow rise and fall of her chest as she slept so peacefully.

I'm not sure how long I watched her there, but finally I let my head rest on the pillow next to hers and closed my eyes.

The bed was a twin, so our bodies were pressed up against each other. I could feel her body move with each breath she took. I could also feel my own heart pounding in my chest.

I was there.

In her bed.

Having her so close just felt right.

I realized my eyes were open again.
I forced them shut.

Tried to stop thinking of her.

Tried to stop thinking at all.

It didn't work.

It never does.

My arm was asleep.

Holy crap.

Pins and needles! Pins and Needles!!!

Weight shift. Move the arm. Maybe I should roll over. Shit. Wall. Damn twin size dorm beds! Ok, I can do this. Prop myself up, twist. Shit. The covers. Ok... roll over. Reach back over and make sure she's covered. Ok. Shit. She moved. Where'd the pillow go? Shit. Ok. I can prop my head on my arm. She moved closer. If I move my arm I'm going to elbow her. Possibly in the face. That would Not be good. Ok. Maybe I can push her over. Gently. Very gently. Ok. Maybe not. Roll back over. She's so cute. Her hand reaches out and I take it in mine. It is cold. Very cold. How can her hands be this cold? Now my hand is cold. Great. Her cheeks are red. I want to lean over and plant a kiss on one of them. She's still sleeping, though, that would be weird. Maybe she'd like being woken up by a kiss, though. No. She has to be awake for our first kiss. That would be too weird. Way too weird. What was that? There's a light coming from under her door. Did her roommate hear us? Does she know I'm here? Have I met her roommate before? Wait. Yes I have. She was nice. She rolled over! yes! More room! Now I can... wait... no... she's back. I love the way no matter how's she's laying down she manages to press her legs against mine. They're not cold at all. I want to kiss her so badly right now. Can I wake her up and then kiss her? Would that be weird?

... Ok... So you get the point. It was a long night. When she woke up and went to class, I went back to my place and slept all day.

And speaking of sleeping... I think I'm going to try and do that now.

There's no one in bed with me, so it shoudn't be quite that hard to fall asleep... wish me luck!

I'd post this, but my internet appears to be down. Shit. This happens WAY too often.

good night good night

Why is it that i can rarely fall asleep when I want to anymore? I missed the opening drive of the Giants game tonight because I was passed out on the couch... but now that I'm lying in bed ready for sleep I'm writing this. It's not like my nap was all that long. Twenty minutes tops. And I know that wasn't enough to really refresh me. I mean, I was pretty freakin tired... Although, based on my current level of awakitude, it must have been enough.

sigh.

Maybe if I start to use some ancient relaxation techniques I'll be able to just zone out until I'm no longer awake. Do you think that'll work?

I don't.

It rarely does... But here's what I try. I find a nice, comfortable position. Close my eyes. Take a deep breath. let it out slowly. take another. and out. Now I focus my mind on my feet, I tense those muscles for just a second, and then let them relax. then move to my calves. tense and release. quads. tense. release. and slowly work through every muscle... even my fingers...

but like i said... that almost never works... so maybe just the blog. which, I s'pose, is just a tense and release of the brain muscles.

you folks have a good night.

I'm going to listen to some Zooey Deschanel.

mmm....

zooey.

The Crane Wife

And under the boughs unbowed

All clothed in the snowy shroud

She had no heart so hardened

All under the boughs unbowed

Each feather, it fell from skin

'Til thread bare while she grew thin

How were my eyes so blinded?

Each feather, it fell from skin

And I will hang my head

Hang my head low

And I will hang my head

Hang my head low

A gray sky, a bitter sting

A rain cloud, a crane on wing

All out behond horizon

A gray sky, a bitter sting

she cuts like a knife

I always swore I'd never be that guy

that you'd never see me on my knees

but last night you had me begging, baby

you had me begging please please please

I just don't know what came over me

the minute you said that you wanted to leave

I couldn't bring myself to even breathe

...

the last time i felt this way was... umm... well... yesterday.

imagine that.

...

i can hear your voice

calling out my name

it brings me back

i open my eyes

and still feel like i'm in the dream

you run your hand

across my cheek

and what i feel

is definitely

definitely

real

...

I dance a lot when I'm alone

...

I'm looking for my place in this world. trying to figure how i fit into this giant puzzle we call life

...

i dream in black and white, she dreams in pantone

...

if you had to do it all over again, would you?

I wish it were cold outside right now. Like, see your breath cold.
While we're wishing for things, I may as well make it somewhere else... somewhere not tampa. at least, not where I am right now.
I would go for a walk.
that's really what I would do right now.
I'm not tired...
I mean, I am gtired... I'm exhausted... I'm just not sleeping.
I want to thorow on a thick pair of jeans, some nice warm sox, a long sleeved shirt and a nice warm sweatshirt and go for a walk in the biting cold.
I don't want it to be like here... I don't want to walk along a street with way too many cars driving by at 2.30 in the morning.
I also don't want it to be one of those fabled Gainesville walks... I don't want to walk along streets that are usually bustling, but are now empty. Gainesville late at night has that ghost town kind of feel to it. it's very well lit, so sometimes its hard to remember that its the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, I've had some amazing nights walking around that particular ghost town. bringing life to roads and rooms that aren't used to seeing people in the wee hours between dusk and dawn. not sober people, at any rate.
no, that's just not what I'm feeling right now.
If I'm going to take a walk alone in the cold, I want it to be in a place that's meant to be traveled alone. maybe a path cutting through an open field, lit only by the light of the moon and the stars. a cold wind whpping across the empty space. i pull my hat low to cover my ears and i plunge my hands deep into my pockets. I breathe slowly, and every time I exhale I can see the my breath freeze in midair, right befor emy eyes.
There's a forest out to my left. I've been in it many times, but not right now It's just a little too dark to be woandering around in the woods... tonight it's just the path through the fields.

laying here with my eyes closed and a nice mix of phoenix, tegan and sarah, and the yeah yeah yeahs playing on my computer; just laying here thinking of tht walk in the cold has got me feeling more relaxed and more tired than when I started. And really, that was the point.

I'm going o try this whole "sleep" thing all over again one more time....

If i'm not asleep iwthin the next 30 minutes, please, call mr sandman for me and have him send something my way. i'd be much obliged.

something weird is happening....
i just don't know what it is
...
she never saw him coming
and once he was there
there was nothing she could do
...
check once
check twice
be sure
...
there's just something about the taste that i can't get out of my mind
i want it
i need it
i want it
now
please
...
pierce
...
play on, playa
...
kids do the darndest things. today I heard a little boy talking to his dad... the kid said, "Dad, can I tell you a story?" the dad said, "of course." So the kid tells his story, and it went a little somethign like this: "Today, I was walking behind someone."
The end.
That was the story.
The kid looked so proud.
So did the dad.
...
Oh D!
...
If I had to do things all over again, I'd only do them a smidge differently. Just a smidge.
...
If only somebody warned me
...
snakebite

Oh, what a difference a day made...

What a difference a day made

Twenty four little hours

Brought the sun and the flowers

where there use to be rain

My yesterday was blue dear

Today I'm a part of you dear

My lonely nights are through dear

Since you said you were mine

Oh, what a difference a day makes

There's a rainbow before me

Skies above can't be stormy

Since that moment of bliss

That thrilling kiss

It's heaven when you

Find romance on your menu

What a difference a day made

And the difference is you

....

switch you lens and then wait a second.
now shoot.
now from a different angle.
again.
good.

...

listen to the big machine
whatever you do try not to scream
listen to the big machine
and forget about your dream

...

the things we did and the things we said
none of those things
are ever dead

...

stepstepdrop

...

that kiss... that kiss... it all comes back to that kiss... our first kiss... our last kiss...there was a lifetime in that kiss... the cold wind trying to tear us apart, but all it did was force us closer together... every part of you touching every art of me... your lips... so sticky sweet... there was heat between us, during that kiss... enough to keep the whole world warm... there was a lifetime in that kiss... and then it was over... that kiss...

Tonight I am dining on ashes. Feasting on the bittersweet taste of the past and of the future that never will be.

Talking about old friends and old times. Old flames and old fizzles.

Talking about what could have been if only I'd .... or if only she'd.... or if only we'd... but we didn't because we couldn't. Or wouldn't. Looking back its kind of hard to tell which it was. But looking back, it really doesn't matter.

I miss those times. And I miss those friends. And sometimes I think I miss them a little too much. Sometimes it feels like I'm clinging on to those times, trying to recreate them. Trying to re-live them. Trying to stay forever young by association.

Ok. My phone keeps ringing. My Facebook keeps dinging. My eyes keep drooping. Apparently I wasn't meant to blog tonight.

Laila Tov!

Lost and Found

I'm hoping the reason I can't sleep is because I haven't been writing.

Somehow I doubt that's the problem, though.

I think it's because too much of my life is in a state of transition.

Nothing is home.

And frankly, I'm not sure exactly what I want to be home.

A part of me wants to move to California and start over.

Another part of me really doesn't want to start over again. That part likes where I am. That part wants to settle down in this area and really live my life instead of just going through the motions on a daily basis.

I dunno, though....

...

I'm addicted. I can't stop even though I know I should. I don't want to, though.

...

Her words are as soft as her touch, and they both drive me absolutely wild.

...

When are we?

...

For those of you wondering, I did have an amazing time on my birthday. Thank you Gabe, Mike, KT, Maria and Layla for making it a trip I will never forget.

...

We are the Triumverate of Cool.

...

wrap my heart in bands of rosewood

...

I ask myself the same questions over and over and each time i expect a different answer, but each time i only get the truth

...

i close my eyes and feel your hands on my chest, my neck, my face. i kiss your fingertips. I smile and open my eyes, wishing you were here with me

...

I hope I never forget the way it felt to have your lips pressed against mine.

...

I got sidetracked again.

that happens a lot.

...

Is it better to be lost or found?

I'm hoping the answer is Lost, because I haven't been Found in a very, very long time

Ten Million Years

it's such a simple thing.

i never feel this way.

i have nightmares

i have dreams of you gone.

there is something in you i want today.

so hide the bones away beneath the yellow lines.

you're scared of what you lose

or what you might gain this time.

i love you more than i should.

i would wrap my heart in bands of rosewood.

i love you more than i should.

i would stay beside you here ten million years.

you see yourself in the mirror.

you see yourself at night.

you see yourself in the gutter, baby

you see yourself like a star shining bright.

i love you more than i should.

i would stay beside you here ten million years.

every minute every hour

every second you take me over.

every night of every day i wait i take

i know i take but i love you more than i should.

i would stay inside you here ten million years.

...

Tonight someone asked me a few questions... I'm not sure where they came from, but she asked, and I answered. She started with:

Do you believe in Soul Mates.

I said no.

She asked why.

I said that I didn't think that would be fair... that if there was only ONE person in the Entire World that was meant for you, what are the odds you'd ever find them? Would that mean you'd spend the rest of you life alone? Or even if you married someone who wasn't your soulmate, what would that mean? Would that mean you'd be destined spending the rest of your life waiting for someone else? My theory is that any one person can fall in love with any other person if in the right situation.

She said that was kind of sad, unromantic.

I said that it wasn't just that... I mean, there is romance and there Are people out there with whom its easier to fall in love. Some people are just plain more compatible than others. With some people, all it takes to fall in love is a look. With others, it takes more. Either way, though, it's work.

Then she asked if I'd ever fallen so completely in love that I'd lost all reason.

My answer? Duh... I go crazy and lose all reason whenever I fall in LIKE with someone, let alone love...

She said, You know what I mean...

And I said, yes, yes I know exactly what you mean. And I used recent examples to help prove my point.

She then asked if I'd ever been so crazy in love that I thought I couldn't live without the person.

I hesited before I answered.

I thought about it.

Hard.

I didn't want to lie or to tell a half truth.

When I answered,

The answer was Yes.

...

i would wrap my heart in bands of rosewood.
i love you more than i should.
i would stay beside you here ten million years.

...

Ok... I'm going to go grab some Zzz'z.... I'll give you a little recap of my vacation another time. Good night, dear reader. Good night.

i honestly have no clue what i want right now. i mean, i know i want you, but i also know that i can't have you.
that's a distraction.
i don't blame you.
i can't blame you.
it's just who you are.
and it's just who i am.
if things were different
then things would be different.
but they're not.
so
as i lay here
in the dark
alone
thinking of you
i just have to wonder
are you thinking of me?

sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing.... i just kind of act on impulse...
I don't always mean it.
I promise.
Sometimes it just happens.
you've always known that, though.
well
maybe not always...
but
as long as you've known me.
random.
impulsive.
whole.
it's how i do.
who i be.

but now, i think i'm ready for the opposite.
maybe.
i think.
possibly.
i dunno.
i think so, though.
we shall see,
shant we?

its all a blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

sometimes i think that i want too much....

i just don't know what it is.

i mean,

i have this general idea of what i want...

i can see its shape,

but it's fuzzy,

and sometimes it seems so fucking far away.

...

life is a puzzle

with millions of pieces.

some days those pieces just seem to fall into place

other days

it's a fight just to keep the whole thing from falling apart.

...

i know, i know

we've been down this road before

i've felt these things

said these words

and looked into your same, sad eyes

and every time i hope for something different

but every time

its just the same

...

i wonder what she thinks every time she sees my name.

am i just a blip on the screen?

here and then gone again.

fleeting.

or do i linger in her thoughts

in her dreams

the way she's always here with me?

...

I shed my skin again

and I shed my skin again

hoping to begin again

hoping it's not the same old thing again

if not now, then when?

it must be time to shed my skin again.

...

I want to be on the beach right now.

My feet in the cold sand

The moon reflecting on the water

Lights in the distance

Sounds of music and laughter

Being hushed by the surf.

...

Some nights i love writing like this... little snippits of thought. nothing complete. nothing whole. no real beginnings and no real ends. like a page from life. every story is ongoing. there are no ends. there are callbacks. and memories. regrets. laughs. inside jokes. dreams and nightmares. everything comes back.

anyways... this didn't end anything like it started. i had an idea. a plan. i had something to say. instead, i leave you feeling... incomplete. maybe whatever it is that i'm missing will come to me in my dreams....

but

probably not.

a raincloud looms in the sky above me. a breeze picks up and sends a chill right through me. I look around me, in the relative darkness, and see that the streets are empty tonight. there's no one around me, but... there is. i can feel you with me, always, in my heart. i miss you most in times like this. not because i need you. you taught me long ago that i am perfectly capable of surviving in this mad, mad world alone. i miss you because i want to share these times with you. i want you to share in my adventures. i want to hear what you have to say about the decisions that lie ahead. i want your input. your guidance. your support. and your love. i miss you talking to you, pops.

My So-Connected Life

This blog has almost nothing to do with Claire Daines. Almost. I never really got into the show, My So-Called Life. It was very short lived and, from what everyone says, absolutely amazing. Maybe it's because I'm a guy. Or maybe its because I actually enjoyed High School, and wasn't really involved in any heavy drama or anything. I don't know. I do know these two fundamental facts, though.

1. When Claire Danes played Juliet, I totally fell for her. I can't really pinpoint exactly what it was about her.... but I was done.

2. The world is a different place now.

I saw pictures of my friends baby within an hour of him being born as they were posted on Facebook.

Another friend isn't feeling as highly motivated heading into finals week as he normally is.

Someone I went to High School with, but I don't think I've ever actually said a word to, was "on [her] way home and can barely move" about an hour ago.

Via Twitter I know that my cousin misses his ex girlfriend, but not enough to get back together with her and get married.

I know that another friend is excited about a new WoW tweak.

I know that Rain Wilson is making jokes about Obama's health care reforms.

And I know all these things no matter where I am or what I'm doing. My blackberry allows me to cyber-stalk my friends through status updates, uploaded photo's and random texts. I know more about what my friends are doing now than I did when I was in college actually hanging out with them, because now can follow what they're doing when we're not in the same room or even the same state.

I have been in touch with family members and old friends that I never would have been in contact with if it weren't for the wonders of modern technology.

My So-Connected Life indeed.

I'm one of the worst culprits I know. Even now, while I type this, I have a browser window open with Facebook, where my current status is: I drank a five hour energy drink 3 hours ago thinking I was going out. now I'm not. shit. (posted 3 hours ago).

I have AIM open with an away message stating: I'm here. Somewhere. Bored. Awake.

I have my Cellphone right next to my keyboard eagerly awaiting texts.

This is the world we live in.

Some people say that all this technology separates us. Divides us. They say that technology has turned us in to Virtual People. There is even a movie coming out this summer called Surrogates about a possible future in which people don't even leave their living rooms. They just plug into their computer and control a Virtual Self to traverse the world in their places.

I disagree.

There have always been hermits. People who would rather be alone than with others. Technology allows them to do so, while still getting some form of interaction, whether it's through blogging or social networking or even mmorpg's like WoW.

But for me and countless others, this new ConnectedLife is about just that: being Connected, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

i remember the last time i heard your voice. you weren't saying goodbye. you were saying

...


i remember the last time i touched your skin. you were touching mine, too.

...

a new direction
a new way
a new dawn
a new day
a new me
a new you
a new color
a new hue
a new start
a new life


...

I want to create something. I want to be a part of something that's never been done. Never been tried. Never been seen. Never even thought of. I want to take something that's broken and make in whole. Make it new. Make it REvolutionary.


I want to change the world.


Now all I have to do is figure out how...

Woohoo!!!!


I hope.

thoughts and thoughts and thoughts

Smile and the world smiles with you... Frown and... well... you're probably the only one that's miserable.



...



I'm looking forward to life.

...

I can see
by the way you look at me
that you're thinking "we"

...

there's just something about you.... I can't quite put my finger on it.... you're cute beyond cute.

...

i'm dragging my feet

...

play with fire and you Will get burned

...

I swear I only wanted a beer or two tonight, but DB's is so awesome, they just kept bringing me more. Not entire pints... or goblets... but samples... I say I don't really like IPA's and I'm given about five samples of differnt flavored beverages... different strengths.. different levels of Hoppiness... Essentially, five additional shots of beer. None of them particularly weak, mind you.

But anyways... all that hoppiness has got me thinking (and that's usually a dangerouse thing, isn't it?)

Have you ever seen that movie Good Luck Chuck? It's about a guy who appears to be a good luck charm for the ladies... after they sleep with him, the next man they meet is the one that they marry.

Sometimes I feel like that guy. Not exactly, mind you, but in a way...

never mind... I guess this isn't something i really feel like talking about right now. I'm just not exactly sure I can say exactly what I want to say withought farging it up.

...

I'm excited for tomorrow.... for a few different reasons. I'm having dinner with an old friend tomorrow night, and I'm really excited to see her. I think it'll be the first time I've ever hung out with her without the usual TFR crew, so it'll be interesting.... fun, I'm sure, but interesting. Before that, though, on my way home from work, I'm going to stop by and visit a new friend. We'll just have to see how that goes.

In any case... I have to be at work in about 8.5 hours. I realize that's not too bad, but I've pretty much been on the go from 6am until 1am, so I really should crash.

I plan on being asleep within ten minutes of posting this blog.... so... you folks have yourselves a wonderous evening....

The Mysterious Tale...

There was definitely something that I was going to write about tonight...

There's a problem, though.

I have absolutely no recollection what it was.

That happens a lot. I'll be thinking something all day--I'll have the entire blog written out in my mind, and then when it comes time to sit down and write.... it's gone.

I do have a pretty good story that would fill this space quite well, unfortunately it is not one that can be put to print.

No evidence, you see....

So here's what I think should happen.

Let's pretend I told the story. I'll tell you what to do, and you just pretend you read something that would illicit such a response.

Ok.

First... Nod your head slowly, as if you're hearing the beginning of an amusing tale.

Now smile, mildly amused.

Quick! Now look suddenly shocked!

Start to laugh awkwardly....

Gasp in amazement!!!!

Let out a Guffaw! If you have a beverage nearby, take a mouthful of liquid and then either laugh so hard it comes out your nose or it sends a spray across your monitor.

Chuckle as the story winds to an end.

THE END.

I hope you enjoyed... I know I did.

when you look at my face, what do you see? a friend? a lover? your future? your past? tell me what i mean to you



...



I've been thinking a lot lately....



...

if i've said it once i must have said it a million times... i think i'm in love again

i just wish i knew her name

...

we're the ones who make the world what it is.

...

sometimes i think i care too much... and other times i just wish i cared at all.

...

i just wanted to come over and say hey

i couldn't help but see you from across the way

and you're definitely the most beautiful girl i've seen all day

wait, where are you going? I think you should stay

give me just a sec and hear what i've got to say

i'm not just here to play

this is serious business, ok?

ok.

just follow me to the floor

we'll dance and talk a little more

just a taste of what's in store

then we'll hit the door

back to my place

make love, not war

wait, wait, don't go

there's one more thing i want you to know

....

and just like that i was too tired to write anything else

that'st he endof my rap game... at least for tonight.

sometimes i wish i knew where crap like that came from... i think it'[s from listening to too much eminem... makes me think all white kids can rap.

So not true. I'm about as anyways... i cna't even keep my eyes open anymore. my fingers are doing just fine, cilck clacking away at the keyboard with no no hopes and no fears. no angst, but no cheer.

ok

i've said it before and i'm saying it for real now. i'm out like a trout, so don't forget to peace out and eat your vegetables!! whatwhat! sleep.

Of all the girls I've met...

Ok... honestly, I think she is one of the beautiful people I've ever met. Seriously. Everthing about her from the way that she talks to the way that she walks.
The way that she flips her hair to the way she just doesn't care.
The music that she likes.
The way she laughs.
Her smile.
Oh lord her smile... They say, "Smile and the whole world smiles with you" ... well, with her it's true. She smiles with her whole face, her whole body, and you can't help but be happy too.

She & Him

I thought I saw your face today
But I just turned my head away
Your face against the trees
But I just see the memories
As they come
As they come

And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

I saw it glitter as I grew
And loved a girl I never knew
I thought this place was heaven-sent
But now it's just a monument
In my mind
In my mind

And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

The cars and freeways implore me to stay
Away out of this place
My mother said, "Just keep your head And play it as it lays
"The cars and freeways implore me to stay
Away out of this place
My mother said, "Just keep your head And play it as it lays"

I somehow see what's beautiful
In things that are ephemeral
I'm my only friend of mine
And love is just a piece of time
In the world
In the world

And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

Thoughts of an upcoming birthday...

I drove down to Cape Coral today to visit an old friend... one of my oldest friends, actually. This is one of the first people I met when I moved to Florida when I was eight years old. The drive down here is two hours, so I had plenty of time to do some thinking, so think I did.

With all the recent planning for my birthday extravaganza, i started to think about which birthday its going to be for me. My thirtieth. I'm turning thirty. After that point, when i write my age it will start with a three instead of a two.

How weird is that?

Craziness.

Pure insanity.

I'm turning thirty.

I'm not upset or scared or angry or anything like that. I'm just.... surprised. Not that I didn't think I'd make it this far, just that I didn't think I'd get here so quickly.

My twenties are a blur. Not from week-long drinking binges or anything like that. It's a motion blur, like when you take a picture of a race-car going twohundredmilesanhour with a POS digital camera.

I'm not even sure I remember my twentieth birthday... that was the year I was with Michelle, though, I remember that. Still living on campus at UF. That was the year Marco turned 21 and we had our first bash with alcohol. We drank beer, did lemon drops and somehow Marco ended up putting his ass through Amar's sister's wall (we actually had to re-do the drywall before she moved out.)

My twenty first was great. Dinner and drinks at Chili's and then back to ARF for a mini-party. I drank a fifth of SoCo, dare me to drive? I invited Regina, but she didn't come. We weren't friends yet. Tracy did, though, and so did Mike. That's not the night they met, though. I think I said good-bye to Tracy at least a dozen times. I also think I threw up in my shower that night, but it was clean by the time I woke up and none of my roommates ever told me they cleaned it up, so maybe it was just a bad dream. Even though Regina wasn't at my party, she was around shortly after. We were together every night, basically, for the next five years or so.

Twenty two through twenty five were all spent with regina and old friends in Gainesville. Things were good. Plans were being made. The future was becoming more and more clear. I graduated college and worked for bedbathandbeyond, then for the Department of Otolaryngology at Shands and then at BestBuy and the Gainesville Sun. Things were good.

And then I turned twenty six and things weren't so good. Regina and I were divorced. I was still working for Bestbuy, but I was starting to grow apart from some of those old friends. Thankfully, though, I made some new friends and started a new phase in my life. This was the start of the Era of Ale House. The waitresses knew us by name and as soon as we'd sit down we would have a pitcher of Miller Light and a handful of frosty mugs. Nikki, I still love you, and if you would have me, I would take you anywhere. And it was here that I took my first road trip. Gainesville to Tampa to Pittsburgh to Cleveland to Chicago and then back to Gainesville. By myself. I watched a lot of baseball, met a lot of amazing people and put a lot of miles on my car. It was two weeks of asphalt and hotels. Baseball and beer. Good times.

Twenty seven was my next road trip, this time with Mike. Gainesville to Vegas to Chicago to Cleveland and back to Gainesville. Amazing. People say that after 3 days in Vegas you should get out while the getting is good. We were there for six days. It was pure madness. Beer Pong at Blondies. You scratched my sunglasses! The long walk home. Best. Vacation. Ever.

When I turned twenty eight I moved to Tampa for no particular reason. On a whim. Unemployed and unconcerned.

In the year I've been twenty nine I've traveled to San Diego and LA, Vegas, Cleveland and I'll be going back to Vegas and San Diego for my thirtieth birthday. It's been the year of vacations (and for some reason it feels like I'm missing one...)

So, my early twenties were all about staying the same. Staying in the same place with the same people doing the same things. My later twenties have been about change. New places and new faces. I'm proud to say that I've probably lived more over the last five years than some people live in their entire lives. I'm not saying that to brag or anything like that. I just find it amazing that I've found the courage to do some of the things that I have done and I can only hope that I can continue to live a life as happy as the one I've lived these last few years.

I do have goals and aspirations and all that jazz... but my number one goal is to be happy. And even if that's the only goal I reach, I'll be ok with that...

heading down the road
the devil driving my car
the top down
the wind blows
she speeds up
as the sun drops

there's nothing like
the devil's body
pressed up against yours
her hot breath
whispering in your ear
dont' listen to what they say
it's worth your soul

...

You called me after midnight
Must have been years since we last spoke
I slowly tried to bring back
The image of your face from the memories so old
I tried so hard to follow
But didn't catch a half of what had gone wrong
Said, "I don't know what I can save you from"
I dont' know what I can save you from
I asked you to come over
And within half an hour you were at my door
I'd never really known you
But I realized that the one you were before
Had changed into somebody
For whom I wouldn't mind to put the kettle on
Still i don't know what I can save you from
I dont' know what I can save you from

- Kings of Convenience

...

There's no harm in asking, right?

...

Never is too absolute... and Forever is a very, very long time... so why don't we just go with Maybe and Another Time?

...

The bitter taste fades as I float on down that lazy river

...

eyes closed
remember to breathe
feeling my heart beat in my chest
slowly
and slowly
and slowly
until
finally
it doesn't

....

i need to feel you
here next to me
i need to feel
your heart next to mine
i need to hear you
say those words to me

...

what i am to you
is not real to you

sex in the morning

is almost as good as writing in the morning.
or maybe its the other way around
or maybe its not even close
i dont' know

i had the most vivid dream last night
more vivid than dreaming of being fired

i was on an adventure
costa rica, i think.

i was on the beach, breaking open a few coconuts
just like i did when i was a kid

she was there too
her hair was dark, dark red
her eyebrow was pierced
and so was her lip

i'm not sure who she was
i don't think she's starred in any of my other dreams
but the way we looked at each other
i know she'll be back

we wandered the beach
sometimes together
sometimes alone

the sunset was amazing
fire sinking into the ocean

when my alarm went off this morning
i didn't even move to turn it off
i tried to hold on to that dream as long as possible

but alas
it wasn't meant to be.

memory cards

sometimes it's fun to go through memory cards just to see what's on them.

I miss California.

I want to go back.

I took a picture today. it wasn't beautiful or special in any way. it was a mere shot at the sky while driving home from work.

an ordinary day.

an ordinary sky.

an ordinary life.

I'm not really sure why i took the picture. there was nothing about the day i really wish to remember. nothing worth saving. nothing worth capturing.

the picture just... is.

and always will be.

... the wonders of the internet.

I just woke up from a nap... it was really quite amazing. was watching a movie. Slacker. it put me to sleep. cult classic? maybe. not sure i'd want to be a part of that cult, though. what was the point? i don't know.

the nap.

the nap was amazing.

absolutely absolute.

been wondering what the point in Life is, lately. are we meant to wander, or do we really have a purpose? not that i'm looking to find god, or anything like that... just musing. trying to find out which reality is the one worth living in. the reality in which i make This decision, or That one.

i lost something. something i can never get back. i didn't mean to let it happen... it just slipped through my fingers.

i need another adventure. my life seems stale. it's not bad. not at all. i'm probably having more fun, leading a more full life these last few weeks than i have in a long time. there's hardly a night that goes by that i'm not up to some sort of shinanigans. i just need... something bigger.

any suggestions?

Hurt is a funny thing. I'm wathcing a movie where the guy's girlfriend leaves him after college to move to another country. Prague of all places, go figure.

Anyways, before she leaves, she invites the guy to go, but he doesn't... he can't leave the life he has behind.

So, she leaves.

He stays.

She calls.

He ignores.

She calls.

He drinks.

She calls.

He sleeps around.
He's miserable.
He thinks about her.
He writes about her.
He dreams about her.

She stops calling.

The movie isn't over... it's still going.... but I'm guessing that's what happens.

It's strange to see these people.... these kids... at 22 years old, acting and talking like my friends and I do now.... like we did when We were 22... and when we were 16.... and when we were 12...

We do the same things and we say the same things... The only thing that changes is where we are.

I keep seeing myself in these characters. I always do. I need to work harder on making myself a character.

What if we did have a love affair? Do you think it would really last?