I wish I could see in to the future. Just a little bit. A few weeks, maybe. A month or two. That's it. Nohting ridiculous or anything. I just wish there were a way for me to get a sneak peak of my life a short distance in the future. I don't want winning lotto numbers or anything. No sports scores to bet on. Nothing like that. I just want to know what lies ahead for me. To prepare.

Maybe if I could just ask one question a week and have that questioned answered for me. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Who will I be doing it with? These are all just small questions. Really insignificant in the grand scheme of things... I don't see how it could hurt to know. Really. Could it?

They say that humans only really use about ten percent of their brains. Looking around myself, I figure I'm probably running at around 8.5 percent. That leaves 91.5 percent of my brains' abilities that are untapped. Now, I don't have plans for another two hours. I think, in that time, I am going to try and turn myself in to a magic eight ball of sorts. I am going to try and harness all that untapped energy inside me and see if I can get a glimpse into the future to answer one of my questions.

I'm going to go sit on my porch, assuming the lotus position, and face west, towards the setting sun. I will let it's light and it's warmth wash over me as the cool breeze whisks over me and through me. A long breath in. And a long breath out. At first my thoughts will be of you. They always are. And I'm okay with that. With my eyes closed I will see your face. Your smile. I'll feel you with me and then I'll let you pass through me as I begin to focus on all the possible visions of my future. I will let the vision of each future in to my mind for just a moment. hardly enough time for it to even sink in. And then I will let it go, to be replaced by something new. Breathing in and Breathing out. Soon, when my imagination has run its course, I'll focus on the blackness that surrounds me and wait for the true vision of my future to surface and fill that void inside me.

And if that doesn't work... well... at least then it'll be time for dinner.

What do you think?

Yeah... that's what I thought.

Reply Hazy. Please Try Again.

Fading up and fading down. Fading in and Fading Out....

my eyes drift closed and the world around me begins to slip away. what i see before me now is a world all my own. i can still hear the music playing softly in the background. dave mathews drifts in to fleet foxes in to garbage. listening to the sounds and not the words. feeling the bass beat gently, setting the pace for my heart. the music fades away slowly as a dream starts to take hold. not quite asleep yet, still in control. but the dream has defiitely begun.

...

Burning up and burning down. Burning in and Burning Out...

my eyes drift closed and the world around me begins to slip away. the music pounds around me, loud and angry as i lie there completely still. so anxious, so ready, still here, though, still waiting. yellow flames dancing. flickering.

...

Not sure why I'm leaving all that up there. usually I go back and delete stuff like that. it's not very good. it doesn't really say anything. I don't even think it really gets the point across that I want it to. And yes, there is a point.

Maybe it's just not quite ready to come out yet. And to answer your question... yes and no.

...

Sometimes, when there's something inside me that I want to say, especially when it isn't easy, I tend to ramble and talk my way through until it finally comes out. I do the same thing when I write. I know what it is that I want to say... I just can't seem to say it... I don't think I'm quite ready to, actually. Maybe that's the problem. ... Well, "problem" isn't really the right word. I think that's the reason, though. It's not a problem. When the time is right, I'll just up and say it.

...

I'm going to post this... but only for a limited time. I seems like a general waste of space, even if the internet is really quite large. I said I was posting, though, so I'm going to post. I'll take this down as soon as I have something more respectable to replace it.

Until then, dear reader, I appologize....

I'll keep the door unlocked

If you promise not to knock.

You can slip in and I'll never know

I'll never see you come, I'll never hear you go.

Don't worry, I'll never ask you to stay

Just so long as you promise you'll never go away.








I had a dream and in it we were together. but it wasn't now. it was then. way back when.... we were just kids, not knowing what we were doing, just knowing that what we were doing was right. you were in my arms and i was in yours. your lips were pressed against mine and mine against yours. everything was pure and everything was simple. the way it was meant to be. days turned in to nights and nights turned in to days into weeks in to months and i wanted to be with you more and more and i needed you in my arms more and more and now it's just... and i'm just... and we're just.... but things are just.... i just wish that... and i hope that... but all i can ever do is just hold on and enjoy the ride.





I rise before I fall. Hand in hand. You with me. On the ocean. Our ship sails.
Nothing around us. But water and waves. Nothing can touch us. It's the ocean that saves.
We float away.
We float away.


...

This and nothing more.... This and nothing more.

...

there is no avoiding destiny... all things lead to one thing and all you can hope to do is be ready when it happens.

...

This, and nothing more.

I am very awake right now. That might not seem like a big deal to most of you, but it does to me. The issue is that it is currently 4am. Actually, that's a lie. It is now 4.50am. That means I've been up for about 50 minutes. I'm not sure why I'm up, but I am.

What does one do at 4am? Well, this particular someone, on this particular night, has done absolutely nothing productive. I have spent much of the last hour reading posts on Facebook while searching for a job in the greater San Diego area. So far, no dice. On the job front, I did have several interesting notes to read on FB.

I think it's funny how, earlier, I really wanted to be awake but couldn't keep my eyes open... and now that I really want to be asleep, I can't keep them closed. Perhaps I'll throw on a movie... that usually puts me right out.

I honestly thought that there was going to be something more in here... soemthing meaningful... something deep.... but... apparently not.

I think I'll go to bed, actually... see how that pans out.

Wish me luck!

woke up and all i could think about was kissing you. that last kiss in the driveway. feeling you warm in my arms. not wanting to let you go. not wanting to leave you. breathing you in slowly and deeply, taking in everything. and then your lips pressing against mine. my heart melted. my body melted. but my soul, my spirit, was reborn and now it burns with a new fire. it burns for you.

Can anyone tell me that it will all be okay? That everything will be the same? Life must go on, but everything changes.

My cousin died. He was no spring chicken, but he was no old turkey, either. I didn't even know he was sick. I'm not sure what happened yet. I'll make those phone calls tomorrow.

I haven't been close to Bob for years. A few emails back and forth. The occassional family function. That's about it. Honestly, even growing up, I never saw him all too often. On average, I'd say, we saw each other once every other year or so.

I remember his wedding. The day he married my cousin Emily. It's one of my earliest memories. I must have been six years old. The wedding was at my aunt and uncle's house in New Jersey. My sister and I were there with my dad, I don't remember if my mom was there or not. It was summer, and it was hot. There were so many family members there. Tents were set up. The aisle they walked down was a stone path leading through a garden (I'm pretty sure they got married in a cabbage patch.) I remember running around with my sister, searching for whichever waiter had the pigs in a blanket. I must have eaten a hundred tiny hot dogs that day. By the end of the reception I was so tired I just sat down in one of the tents watching in wonder at the air above the food tables, watching it shimmer because of the heat.

A few years later, after my mom's stroke, my sister and I were up visiting my aunt and uncle in jersey over the summer, so we popped up to Albany to visit with the cousins. At this point, Emily and Bob had three kids. Two girls from Bob's first marriage and one daughter of their own. Bob was outnumbered four to one. When I was there, we holed ourselves up in a side room with a computer and we played a baseball game together. We talked about baseball and the Mets and we played that computer game and it was because of him that I fell in love with the sport. He filled a hole in my heart that, at the time, I wouldn't let my father fill.

A few years later I spent another week one summer with Emily and Bob and their family up in Vermont and, really, I looked forward to seeing him more than anything else. This time we had a nintendo and played a different baseball game, one with graphics and everything. We almost drove up to Montreal to watch a Mets game, but there wasn't a game that day, so we went to the mall instead and spent the day at an arcade.

It's those memories that I will cherish the most.

I can't even imagine how Katie and Amy and Ang and Matt must feel right now. And Emily.... my heart goes out to all of you...

Bob, you will be missed.

There's a story in me that I just can't tell. The whole thing is still playing out in my mind and in my life and I just don't know exactly where its going or how it will end and to try and guess at this point would just be foolish so I'm going to let this run on sentence run on and on and let that be it for now.

Today has to have been one of the laziest days of my life. Seriously. For starters, I stayed up kinda late last night. Like, 2ish. Not too bad in the grand scheme of things, but still. Well, I woke up at around 9.30 this morning and checked my email and whatnot... you know, the whole morning routine... and then started watching Obama stuff.

That didn't last too long, though. I remember him leaving a church and then I remember bullet proof limousines.... aretha franklin... biden swearing in.... wait, what? swearing in? I should be awake for this. So I sat up and watched as the a minority became president of the united states. Kinda cool.

Then... well... I don't really remember what happened after that. I think I slept a little more. Then I started my movie marathon.

It wasn't intentional. I mean, I didn't plan on spending my entire day off on the couch watching movies... .but... well... I did.

First, I watched Eagle vs Shark. It was ok. A love story involving two... well, I'm not sure what to call them... nerds? that would be the best description I can think of... but the characters weren't developed enough. Not really something I'd reccomend, but it didn't pain me to watch it. Well, maybe a time or two, but not on the whole.

Next came the Ice Storm. I've been wanting to see that movie for a Long time, but just never got around to it. It was a family drama. Kept me interested throughout. It wasn't until the end, though, that I realized that the movie I'd actually been wanting to see for a long time was Ice Harvest, not Ice Storm. Oh well. Still liked it well enough.

Finally came Smart People. I'd never heard of that one before today, but figured I'd give it a shot. After all, it had Ellen Page. Another family drama... but this one had a lot more humor in it. I liked it. Of the three, I'd say it was the one I liked the most.

Next on tap for the evening was chatting with my favorite Laura in the whole world. In fact, we're still chatting now. How 'bout that? I took a Myers/Briggs type personality test and it told me that I was ESFP. I think that's BS.

Oh well. I'm going to get back to chatting.

You folks have yourselves a good evening and I'm sure I'll see you tomorrow...