They say love is a many splendored thing.

I'm not so sure it is.

I think its just one thing.

It is what it is.

The Reason

Some nights I just don't want to go to sleep. I can't really explain why. I don't know if this is a part of my insomnia or if this is the cause of it all. Its 3am and my alarm is going off in 4 hours, but here I am. Sitting at my computer. Typing away. I'm not really sure why, either. Even as I write that, though, I know its not true. Not completely true, anyway. I do know a part of the reason that I don't want to go to bed. Its that I don't want to go to an empty bed. I almost feel like I'm drunk. My body is roughly one thousand degrees. I'm on the verge of breaking a sweat even though the thermostat is set for 74. I can barely keep my eyes open, yet as they drift shut, the snap back as if they had springs. My muscles hurt. My arms, my legs, my neck, my back. Everything feels tight. I have to think about breathing. All this, and I know that I could end it all in an instant. Within a minute of my head hitting the pillow, I know I will be asleep. There is the weight of exhaustion pressing down on me. I can feel it. Its familiar. That feeling. Its a part of who I am. We chose each other. 2B or not 2B, that is the question. whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to rise against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them; to die to sleep no more; and by a sleep, to say we end the heart ache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to? 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream, aye, there's the rub, for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause. to sleep, perchance to dream. that is the rub indeed. not that i have night terrors or anything like that. i don't remember all that many of my dreams. really i don't. so its not like i fear them or anything. i'm not scared to dream. not exactly. Most of the dreams I remember are similar, though. Related. Familiar. Its like my mind has created this angsty utopia where I have everything that I want, but the whole time I am in this dream I know its not real. I can tell something just isn't quite right. So I have these things; I am living this life, a perfect life, but I don't enjoy it because I know that in a few minutes its all going to fade away. So I choose not to dream. I'd rather not have my tainted perfection. I'd rather have this life. My life. As imperfect as it is.

Two Things

When you boil it all down to the nitty gritty, there are really just two reasons that I am the way that I am.  God and my sister.

I was always close with my sister.  When I was a wee lad, I was her annoying little brother.  I used to follow her around and always wanted to do whatever it was she was doing.  I looked up to her.

As I got older I began to see her as a person, not just a big sister.  I saw that she had faults. She had flaws.  But she was also smart.  And I know the reason behind a lot of what she did.

Throughout all of my childhood, though, she was my one constant.  She was the one who taught me what it meant to be strong.  To be brave.  She also taught me how to be kind and how to listen.

Up until very recently, I'm not sure she knew how much I give her credit for the man that I have become.  She did good.

The other Person I gave credit to was God.  This is where it getsasdf a asasdfdflittle asfbit tricky.  Ever since I was eight years old and given the choice whether or noasdfasdfasdfasdt I wantedsadf  sdaf to practice organized religion I have chosen not to.  I have thought about this tasdfasdfasdfasdfopic a lot over the years and each time I have come to the same conclusion.  Organized religion is too confining.  There are so many laws and rules that all stem from a book that is some 2,000 years old.

The world has changed in 2,000 years.  Quite a bit, in fact.  The confines of religion have not, though.  The idea of God has been used as a weapon against both change as well as things that aren't understood for centuries.  Frankly, I don't really forsee that changing at any time in the near future, either.

So what do I believe in?

Well, ever since high school my stock answer has been "Myself.  I believe that I am a good person and, if I want to live in a world that I find bearable, I ought to treat other people in a way that I want to be treated in the hopes that they reciprocate."  (There are two things I took away from Hebrew school growing up. 1. The Golden Rule, 2. Don't walk in front of me because I may not follow, don't walk behind me because I may not lead, just walk beside me and be my friend.)

I felt that no supreme being coud have made a world like the one we live in.  No God could have taken my mother from me.  No God could be ok with that.  I just could not believe that.

Recently, though, I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I started thinking back to a time in high school when Iused to go to youth services at a baptist church with one of my friends.  One of the minister's sermons (the only only Iremember, actually) was about how God is Love.

Love is inside all of us.  It connects us with our family and our friends.  Since it is a common trait, it is also something that connects us to strangers as well.  You know, since God is Love and all.  He is inside each of us, connecting us, giving us a reason to be kind, to have mercy and pity.  To be human.

Thinking about it now, though, I'm starting to think that maybe when I've said that the only God I believe in is myself, well, maybe that is the same God that is in everyone else.  I still have no faith in organized religion (please forgive the pun) but its interesting to think about myself believing in any God at all.

Anyways.  Its late and I'm tired, so I think its time I call it a night.  You folks have yourselves a very pleasant evening and remember the Golden Rule!

There's a Lifetime Ahead of Us

There's a lifetime ahead of us
But the wait is overrated
Every day should just be hated
Can't we all just be sudated?

...

I can't tell you how hard it is for me to just NOT text her. Seriously. I really want to. I want to hang out with her. I want to see her. I really do. There's just something about her that makes me want her. Its true.

<< THIS PART HAS BEEN EDITED FOR CONTENT >>
...

I like music.

A Lot.

Like, a lot a lot. I never used to. When I was a kid, growing up, I never listened to music at all. Not until, like, 8th grade. My buddy Scott listening to music all the freakin' time. I used to go to his house to play basketball on a nearly daily basis and he used to pull his boombox out in the driveway as we'd play. It started with Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men. Then it moved to Coolio and Snoop.
College, though, came with a different group of friends. Its then that I really started listening to Korn and Metallica. It's then that I first really listened to TOOL. That was really my thing for a long time. Mainstream and alternative rock. I liked it loud and aggresive.
Right before my divorce, though, my musical tastes started mellowing out a bit. My X introduced me to Keane and I thought, 'This isn't too bad.' And then I discovered The Decemberists. Through the divorce I became Emo. I mean, I was in my mid 20's while most other emo kids were, like, 12. But still. That really started my decent into Indie.
Now I listen to shit most people haven't heard of. I don't mind twangy guitar. I listen to bands like The Xx's or M83. My current favorite is Two Door Cinema Club.
For most of the last 20 years I have had music playing in the background. I've never thought about creating a soundtrack to my life, so this is just a rough guestimate of what I think it should be, but here goes a quick one:

Middle School (92-93)- Boyz II Men - Its So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday
High School (94-97)- Coolio - Gangsta's Paradise
College (early years 97-98) - Korn - A.D.I.D.A.S.
College (middle years 98-99) - Chubbuwumba - I Get Knocked Down
College (later years 00-02) - Verticle Horizon - Everything You Want
Divorce (05-06) - She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart
Tampa (07-09) - Plain White T's - Hey There Deliliah
Alabama (10) - Far East Movement - Like a G6
Cali (11) - Foster The People - Pumped Up Kicks
Cali (12) - Two Door Cinema Club - What You Know

The songs were picked based on what was going on in my life, what I was listening to and what I remember.

After that little excersize I realize something.... I really have to pee.

Peace out, Broseph Leiberman.

Without Words

I will tell you anything you want

All you have to do is ask

I new it would come back to you

This whole time

I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted

But there you were

right before my eyes

I can't tell you what you want

But you want to be alone

And I don't want to be alone

Maybe next year

We'll be on the same page

But maybe next year

We'll both be gone

I can't tell you who you are

But I do know what you are

to me

I can't tell you who you are

But I can tell you that you're not alone

...

Last time we were together you whispered something to me that I can't forget.

You thought you were being sneaky, whispering in my bad ear... but you whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

I smile now, just thinking about it.

...

I haven't written anything in a long time and I'm not really sure I know why that is. Actually... I might know why that is.

In fact.

Fuck it.

I know EXACTLY why I haven't been writing... I'm missing my inspiration. I was close. So close. I could feel her next to me... but when I turned towards her, she was gone. Poof! Like magic!

I was left with smoke and mirrors and empty words at my fingertips

What used to flow became a trickle.

... And just like that, the well has run dry. I must have typed a dozen sentences and deleted them all. None seemed to say what I wanted them to say.

I'll leave you with this, though: Let's you and me hope that I find my inspiration soon. I'm not sure I can take many more nights without the will/desire/want/need/whatever to write.

Good night, San Diego.. and Good night, world. This is Dave, signing off.

Peace out. and remember. eat those vegetables!

Bacon Wrapped Crab Stuffed Shrimp with Lemon Cream Sauce

Stuff You'll Need:

For the Shrimp:

1 lb Crab Meat

1/2 tube thingie of Ritz Crackers, crumbled

3 scallions, finely chopped

1/2 Red Bell Pepper, finely chopped

1/4 Cup Mayonnaise

1 Egg, beaten

1 Teaspoon Worchestsershire Sauce

1 Teaspoon Garlic Powder

1 Teaspoon Dry Mustard

1/4 Teaspoon Garlic Powder

Salt

16 Large Shrimp, peeled. When I say large, get 'em as big as you can find 'em!

16 slices of Bacon

** Note, to simplify the recipe, you can purchase pre-made crab cakes, mash 'em up and use that to stuff the shrimp. That's what I did, because I'm lazy. I've included directions to make the crab stuffing just in case you're not as lazy as I am, though.

For the sauce:

1 Tablespoon Olive Oil

2 Tablesppons Butter

1 Teaspoon Minced Onion

1 Teaspoon Minced Fresh Garlic

1/4 Cup Dry White Wine

1 Cup Heavy Cream

3 Tablespoons Pesto

1/2 Lemon, Juiced

Directions:

If you decided to make the stuffing instead of buying crab cakes, props to you! Combine the crab, crackers, scallions, pepper, mayo, egg, worchestershire sauce, mustard and garlic. Season it with however much salt and pepper you like. Now go ahead and put that aside for now.

Slice the shrimp down the backs and remove the veins. Its disgusting and gross, but it must be done. Make sure you slice deep enough. Now spoon that stuffing you set aside earlier into the shrimp. Wrap each stuffed shrimp with bacon and arrange them in a large baking dish.

Now, I'm paranoid about undercooking bacon, so I actually pre-cooked the bacon a little bit first. I cooked each strip of bacon for 30 seconds on each side first. Also, depending on how large the shrimp you got were, you might be able to get away with only using half a strip of bacon to wrap each shrimp.

Oh yeah, by the way, you were supposed to preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Since the oven is warm, throw the shrimp into the oven for 10 minutes. Flip the shrimp and cook for about 5-10 minutes more, until the shrimp are opaque.

After you've started cooking the shrimp, you can start making the Lemon Cream Sauce. Heat the oil and butter in a small skillet. Add the onions and garlic. Cook that until the mixture is nice and golden. Stir frequently. That should be about 5-7 minutes. It should smell delicious. If not, you're doing something wrong, but its too late to go back now, so... good luck. Add the wine and simmer for 5 more minutes, then add the cream. Simmer until the sauce is reduced by half. Add the lemon juice and pesto.

* More Notes: I served these over a bed of linguini and it was amazing. My roommate and I each had half a dozen shrimp over the pasta. Don't get me wrong, it was amazingly delicious, but incredibly rich. Next time I make this, I'm only going to serve 4 shrimp per person. These would also be pretty awesome served as an appetizer with the Lemon Sauce served on the side and used for dipping.

Oh, one more thing! When I first made this, I thought the sauce wouldn't be lemon-y enough using only half a lemon, so I used a whole one. Bad idea. Stick with half a lemon. Trust me.

Enjoy!

Lasagna

Stuff:

sauce:
1 cans tomato sauce
1 can tomato paste
1 can diced tomato
1/2 lb ground beef
2 dried bay leaves
handfull of fresh oregano, parsley, whatever herbs you thing would rock your tongue
1 lb spicy italian sausage (not in casing)
Some garlic, preferably fresh
1/2 white onion
some olive oil
bunch of mushrooms. I recommend portabello. I also recommend sauteeing 'shrooms in red wine. Not a must, but its nice.
sugar

pasta:
1 thingie of lasagna noodles.

Cheese:
1 lb shredded mozzerella
large container of ricotta cheese, I don't remember the size. I always think I buy the wrong one, but it always ends up working out
1 egg
more fresh parsley, if you've got it

What to do with the stuff:

sauce: finely chop the herbs. chop the onion relatively fine. chop the shrooms. chop the garlic. Unload the contents of all the cans into a large pot and mix that shit up nice and good. Turn the burner on low, just because. If you're going to sautee the shrooms in the wine, do that now. Put all the chopped shrooms into a pan with a wee bit of olive oil. Then pour in enough red wine to cover the bottom of the pan. Then pour in a little more. Then pour yourself a glass, cooking should be fun! Cook the shroom until about 2/3 of the wine is gone. From the pan, not your glass. If you finish your glass, just refill. Once the wine is mostly cooked off from the shrooms, they should be done. Throw that whole mess into the pot with the tomato stuff and stir. Now throw a little more olive oil into the pan and chuck in the garlic. Let that do its thing for about 5 minutes, then throw in the onions. Now let that do its thing for another 5 minutes or so. We're looking to carmelize those onions, so, yeah. When they look good, throw 'em in the pot! Now brown the beef and the sausage and throw those into the pot. Next add whatever herbs you want as well as the bay leaves. Stir. Let that amazingness simmer for, like, 4 hours.

That's right. 4 hours. You can let it simmer for less time, but the longer you let it go, the better it will be. Trust me.

After about an hour or so, you'll want to taste the sauce. Soemtimes it can be very acidic. If so, add some sugar to taste.

Cheese: Mix the ricotta, egg and parsley together. That's it.

Pasta: Sometime while the sauce is cooking, I pre-cook the lasagna noodles a little bit. Not a lot, just enough to make 'em flexible. they'll cook all the way while its in the oven.

Construction:

Cover the bottom of a glass pyrex dish with a little bit of sauce, then layer noodles, meatsauce, ricotta, mozzerella. Then do it again. Noodles, sauce, ricotta, mozzerella. That should finish off the ricotta. If not, you didn't do it right. Throw on your last layer of noodles. If you have any ricotta left, use it now. Then the rest of your sauce, then a thin layer of mozerella. I usually have sauce left over. It's delicious. Make sloppy joes or something. Oh, btw, you should have preheated your oven to, like, 350 or so. Now that your oven is preheated, cook the lasagna for about 20-30 minutes or so. Remember how I told you to put a thin layer of mozerella on the top? The reason you did a thin layer before is because now you're going to load it on. That's right. Load that thing up with cheese! Now throw it back in the oven for another 10 minutes! I usually crank the oven up to 500 for those last few minutes so that top layer of cheese gets nice and crisp.

Now, here's the part I never think to do because, at this point, you're starving, tipsy and it just smells sooooo good. Let the thing sit for about 5-10 minutes. If you don't, it'll serve a sloppy mess. If you let it sit, though, it'll hold much better when you serve it and actually look like a lasagna.

Enjoy!