Settling

The world thrives in the tiniest of places. I'm not sure what made me think of that, earlier, but it's amazing, isn't it? Life is everywhere. Things are alive in places that life just doesn't seem to belong... but it's there. Pretty cool stuff.

On a slightly different topic... I was talking to someone the other day about relationships in general and, inevitably, past relationships came up... people seem to be intrigued by the fact that I was married. It feels very strange to me, too, don't worry. But the conversation turned to what people look for in a relationship partner, at what point to get married, and at what point you might have to call it quits.

A majority of the conversation turned into a debate about settling. You know.. when you settle for someone who's not perfect because... well, because they're there. On the one hand, why should you ever settle for what isn't perfect? Marriage is a commitment that should last a lifetime. Can you spend the next 60 years with someone other than THE ONE? And let's say you do settle... what happens when you finally meet the perfect person? You're stuck with what you've got.

On the other hand, though... What are the odds the perfect person even exists for you? I have a clear vision of what perfection is... of that woman from my dreams... but I have never met her. Never seen her. Never talked to her. Never glanced out the window of my car to see her driving in the lane next to me so that I could post some freaky message on craigslist in the hopes that she, too, is reading those creepy posts on craigslist. Am I willing to wait until I die in the hopes that someone meeting the thousands of little requirements to become My Perfection comes along? Heck no.

When I got hitched the first time, was I settling? Hell yeah. My ex was nowhere near My Perfect Woman. Not even close. But she made me happy. She met enough requirements that I thought, "You know, I could probably find someone who meets more of my requirements, but this one makes me happy 80% of the time just by being by my side." And folks, that's requirement numero uno for me.

So yeah, I settled. And you know what? If the right person comes around I'll probably settle again. I'm not planning on waiting around forever for My Perfect Woman who may or may not even exist... I plan on finding someone who makes me happy most of the time. Someone who I love. Someone who loves me. Someone who likes Macaroni and Cheese with hot dogs. I'm an easy guy to please...

I'm not saying that I'm giving up on being happy, quite the opposite, actually. I'm giving up on waiting to be happier. Life is good and life is NOW. Life is not about waiting for what might be, it’s about reveling in what IS.

And that, dear friends, is what I have to say about THAT.

Peace out, my faithful brethren... and eat those veggies because who knows? Maybe the world WON'T end tomorrow.

now i'm smiling too

words fly, like bullets, through and through
nothing hurts more than thoughts of you
the sound of angels, she whispers run and hide
she's not whispering to me. she's gone. i know she'll be fine.

She wore a green dress. she knows it drives me crazy to see her in that green dress. there's nothing more intoxicating than seeing her red hair resting on the shoulders of that green dress.

...

his face looked like a piece of plastic stretched over his skull. his features were a little too tight. his face had the oddest sort of shine that made it unnatural. and his smile--it seemed to stretch wider than any smile should. it didn't make him look happy. somehow whenever he smiled he looked hungry, like he was trying to lure you closer to grab hold of your soul and just tear it right out of you

...

her voice sounds so sweet. it really does. there's just something about the way she speaks that makes me remember what it was like to be young. there's an energy in her eyes that make me want to just be outside letting the sun beat down on me and just be free. it's not really that she reminds me of someone i knew when i was a kid, she reminds me of everyone i knew as a kid she sings and smiles and laughs and lives like nothing else matters outside of that one single moment. i saw someone say a mean thing to her once and you could see the pain of those words flash across her face. if you saw a picture of her in that instant, you would have thought she was witnessing a horrible attrocity of some sort. and then a moment later, it was gone. a small smile was back on her face and she said something, i don't know what, that made the other person start to laugh. just like that, everything was right again. i've never seen anyone have that kind of power over everyone she meets. with her, the old adage is true... smile and the whole world smiles with you. let me prove it to you. i'll close my eyes and picture her smiling. see? now i'm smiling too.

Breathe. Just breathe. One breath after the other.
One foot in front of the other.
Moving.
Steadily.
Forward.
Everything around you is constantly changing
Your friends
Your family
Your life
The ground beneath your very feet.
Changing.
That change is the only thing that is constant.

So, I totally slept with my dream...
or maybe i dreamed in my sleep?
the way things are moving right now
its just so hard to tell
sometimes i go a little crazy
just like you
sometimes i go a little crazy
just to be like you
you slap my face
and break my heart
but i come back for more
because its my favorite part
take it back
take it back now
lets pretend it didn't happen
lets pretend we're not real
just ghosts in the night
passing
whispering
and gone
like we were never here
not a trace
but a memory.

...

i'm bored.
and don't want to pack
you should pack for me
no
see
this is why i need a woman
to pack for me
i wish i had a camera to bring to tampa with me
but i broke mine
sux, i know
i broke my good camera
its out to service
hopefully they don't fix it
hopefully they junk it out
if they do, i already know what i'm getting
sony nex-5+lenses
part of me wants mine back
but more of me wants the new one
that's just the way i am
even when I have something pretty badass
I always want a new one after a year or so
new ones are shiny
i like shiny
i think that's the jew in me.
i could be wrong
if you look at that as if it were about women, though
that's not quite it
i don't care if the women are shiny
shiny is actually a sign of oily skin
i just love the chase
i always have.
i think that's why i get bored in relationships...
when the chase is over and i've got what i want... what's the point in going on?
i think that's why i go for crazy
because the chase goes on and on
because, with crazy, even once you've won, things can change in an instant
and you have to start over again
bam
fresh chase
it's like hitting the reset button every once in a while...
yeah...
reset.

addiction

its like i'm addicted to beauty. and simplicity.

every day i find myself visiting the same websites.
http://www.ffffound.com/ http://www.mymodermet.com/ http://www.svpply.com/ http://www.fastcompany.com/
these sites are my window in to a world so much unlike my own
magical
beautiful
its the world i live in my mind and in my heart
just not the world i currently live in.
the world i live in now is more like this
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Alabama-Towns-Failed-Pension-nytimes-93215960.html?x=0

sometimes i do strange things.
sometimes i do things i know i just shouldn't do
i say things i shouldn't say
and i tend to say them at the oddest times
just last night i told someone that i think they're beautiful.
well, first i txted "wake up" to the wrong person... and then i told that person that i think they're beautiful.
i mean, it's true...
very true.
but still... i had no place in saying it
but i said it anyway
i just tend to do things like that

anyways...

pizzle.

Fast

So much has happened since the last time I dropped by... it's crazy ridiculous.
like.
crazy.

.... Ok, so maybe that's not exactly true. Maybe it's not actually true at all. Either way, though, I guess that's ok.

Recently I have confirmed that I am both an asshole and a really great guy, so there's nothing really new there.

I'm trying to think of something fun to update you with, but I'm really at a loss...

I mean, New Years plans are being set, which is good. Very good. Tampa is going to happen. A nice dinner, Friends, and then... well... and then something, but I don't know what yet. Should be a good time no matter what, though. I decided not to do the Outback Bowl on NYD... 'though with it being Meyer's last game and all, maybe I should have just gotten the ticket. Oh well, too late now.

I dunno... there's more I want to say, I'm just not in the habit of blogging lately, so I can't find my words.... I can't find my rhythm.

I ain't got the flow.

too much starting and stop
ping

no tone.

no nothing.

my fingers are tired, too... they don't want to type. everytime they stop moving it takes more
and more
and more
to get them going again.

once they're going, they're in that zone... dancing over the keys.
but then
they
stop
.
laid to rest
i need someone to increase the beyonce.

Eff You See Kay

Seriously. wtf is wrong with me? It's like I missed the day in elementary school when they taught you how to cope with life.

I just found out that my X married the guy she started dating a month after we split. Fuck that and Fuck her. Why is she allowed to be happy while to this day I still can't figure out what I want? I just went through a box of old stuff and found a stack of letters and cards she wrote to me. I'm not sure why I kept them all, but I did. Not anymore, though. Gone. Poof. A match and a minute and they're gone. Memories that can't come back.

Argh.

So many things are slowly killing me right now... not the least of which is life.

I miss my dad.

A lot.

Its been 8 long, long years since the last time I said that I love you and you actually heard me. Tomorrow marks 8 years since you died.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss talking to you. You were one of my best friends. you weren't the perfect parent, but you did the best that you could.

I went for a drive earlier today. Sunroof open, windows down. Feeling the cold air rushing around me. I don't know what it is about driving that relaxes me, but it does.... it lets me escape. The faster I go the better. That feeling of being so close to the edge of control, the speedometer slowly creeps up. eighty then ninety. one hundred miles an hour and the wind screams in my ear. one hundred ten, then twenty miles an hour. the air so cold it stings.

I tear down my rearview mirror because I'm tired of looking back.